


One Night To Change It All

by Alexivialove



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Mild Drama, Questioning Sexuality, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-21 15:12:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 113,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6056266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexivialove/pseuds/Alexivialove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex heads out to a bar at the behest of her best friend.  Her life will never be the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first fiction. I started it a while back and posted it on ff.net, if you've read it there this is the same story. I will update here and on ff.net when new chapters are finished. If you haven't read it elsewhere I hope you enjoy and please be kind if you don't enjoy. Please, I'm a fragile writer. Kind critiques are always welcome though. :)

Chapter 1

I cannot believe I let her drag me here. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for people being free to love who they love, but I cannot believe I'm in a lesbian bar. I have this one friend, we've been friends since we met in college and since I love her so much I agreed to come to a lesbian bar with her. I feel awkward here. I'm not dressed like anyone else here. Most of the women here are dressed as one might describe as "lesbian". I have no idea what that means but apparently it means that compared to what they are wearing I scream "straight" or so says my friend. Well that seems fitting I tell her back, she just laughs and drags me further into the bar. 

As we wait for the bartender I take more time to look around. There are women dancing with women, women flirting with women, women kissing women, it's different for sure. As I sit on my stool I realize that I'm nearly invisible to these women. A very strange occurrence. Now I'm not conceited, though most people assume I am, but I can state truthfully that often when I walk into a room I get looks from most of the men in that room, some subtle and some obvious. I think it's my blue eyes and blond hair men apparently love that. But here in this bar, nothing. It's weird. Maybe lesbians don't love blond hair and blue eyes like men do. My friend Melanie tells me it's because they take one look at me and know I'm straight. I tell her that's ridiculous that one cannot tell that a woman is straight just based on a look. She asks me to look at myself from their perspective, so I do. 

I'm wearing my glasses, my blond hair is down. My black cotton blouse is buttoned to an appropriate level, not too constricting to me but certainly not too low to give anyone a show. I'm tucked into my dark blue jeans which are belted with a simple black leather and silver buckled belt. Perhaps it's my shoes. I refuse to deny it, my passion is for shoes. Today I chose a beautiful pair of classic Louboutin's, black with a striking red sole. It must be that because I realize there are not many if any at all, heels in the crowd. That's it, now I know what she's talking about, my heels give me away.

"Alex, it's a shame you're so damn smart but sometimes you're so clueless," Melanie responds. "Yeah the shoes don't help your case, but it's everything. You're a GIRL, head to toe. Your hands are as manicured and perfect as a gay man's, there isn't a thing out of place on you." I frown at her, somehow, for whatever reason, feeling inadequate as a lesbian, well a fake lesbian, or whatever. "It's not a bad thing Alex, it's just the reason why it's such a different experience here for you than in a normal bar. Think of it as a safe haven for you. And bonus for me, I don't actually have to protect you since no one seems to be hitting on you."

"Gee, thanks," I respond. "Women who love women don't love me." Suddenly, and stupidly I feel like not being attractive to women makes me less of a woman. Clearly I need a drink, I've begun to be concerned that I'm not getting hit on by lesbians even though if I were, it wouldn't actually be reciprocating back. 

"Alex, shut up and drink this" Melanie says as she hands me a shot. The vodka slides down my throat and leaves a slow burn all the way down to my stomach. 

"Thanks," I say but I've already lost Melanie, she sees a woman across the bar and she is transfixed. "Melanie? Melanie! Oh forget it." I turn to the bar and ask the bartender for a vodka on the rocks with a lime. 

Melanie turns to me, "Alex, you'll be alright right? I mean you're not getting bugged, think you can handle your own while I go buy that hottie down the way a drink?"

I roll my eyes, "Of course I'll be fine, aren't I always?" 

"You're the best!" And with that Melanie hops off her bar stool and is off. I can't help but laugh at my best friend. She really is the sweetest person I know. Though she may be enamored with the woman at the bar, I know without a doubt that I'll always be in her sights just in case and would have no issue walking away from that woman to come save me if she saw anything happening to me that she didn't like. She can be a pit bull when it comes to me. The bartender hands me my drink and I turn to watch the dance floor. I love to watch people, I could do it all day long, which is perfect for Melanie tonight. She can do her thing with the ladies and I'll watch the room move.

I've only been watching for a few minutes when I think I see someone familiar in the sea of bodies. It was too quick a glance and the sea is constantly moving and my view has been obstructed by moving bodies. But then there she is again. I can see her profile and I'll be damned if the profile doesn't look at hell of a lot like Olivia Benson. There's no way it's her what would she be doing in a lesbian bar? No it must be someone with a similar build and hair cut. I mean Olivia is straight. She dates men. Right? But as the doppleganger's dance partner spins her so they are front to back, she's spun my direction and I get a clear view of her front and her face. It IS Olivia. I had no idea she was gay! 

For a brief moment, I consider maybe she's not and she's HER friend's straight friend but before I'm even fully able to consider that idea her dance partner moves her hair off her neck and takes a long lick from her shoulder to her ear. I hold my breath. Definitely not straight. Her hands are now holding Olivia's hips and whether it's the dancer or Olivia I don't know but Olivia is clearly pushing herself back into the woman. I look away. I shouldn't be seeing this. I glance back, the woman's hand is on Olivia's stomach underneath her shirt. I REALLY shouldn't be seeing this. They're one step away from having sex on the dance floor. 

I feel wrong. Olivia's personal life is personal and she is living it and I should not be apart of it. If she wanted me to know this part of her she would have told me she was a lesbian. And I'm most certain that if she didn't want me knowing she is a lesbian she surely doesn't want me watching her. But try as I might, I can't not watch. There's no question about my sexuality, I'm straight, but as I watch them move I can't stop my heart from beating faster and heavier. I can't help but feel warmer all over. And I certainly can't stop the throbbing that has begun between my legs. This must be what it's like for a man watching lesbian porn. Straight or not, what's happening on the dance floor is hot, I'd dare anyone to watch them and not get a little tingly.

Olivia has now turned back to her dance partner and they are now a tangle of limbs. I can see Olivia's leg trapped between the other woman's. I watch entranced as they grind down on each other's legs. Olivia now has her head thrown back and the other woman is now slowly licking from the hollow of her neck up until she reaches her chin. Olivia looks back down at her and their mouths fuse. Unconsciously I lick my lips. My mouth has gone dry. I reach for my drink and take a sip. I look away for a millisecond to place it back on the bar and when I look back Olivia has her back to her partner again. Her partner has again is licking her neck. I watch as she bares her teeth and bites down on Olivia's neck. When she does I swear I see her hand creep up underneath Olivia shirt to grab her breast. Olivia's head falls back and her chest pushes outward. The woman drops her hand away from her chest and settles it on the top of her jeans. I see her thumb hook into Olivia's jeans and she dangles her hand there. I watch as her fingers drop to Olivia's jeans and push. I think about where her fingers must fall and feel my own legs and stomach clench. Olivia responds by moving her hips forward toward the fingers and then back into the woman's center. I can feel myself getting wetter than I ever would have imagined just from watching two women dance. Olivia turns back around to face her partner again this time when she turns she looks up and for half a second our eyes lock. 

Oh shit, I think as I try to make it look as though it was a complete coincidence that our eyes met. Maybe I can make it seem as though I was scanning the crowd just as she looked my way. I look anywhere but where I've been staring for the past however long. When I finally think it's safe to look back, just to make sure she didn't see me of course, I see her once again fused to her dance partner, mouths locked. I decide, Melanie is on her own, I have to get out of here before we make eye contact again and I won't be able to call it a scan of the crowd. I turn back to the bar and begin looking for Melanie. I don't see her where she and the other woman were before. Crap, I think, now I actually DO have to scan the crowd. I begin skimming the crowd again this time hoping I find Melanie and not Olivia. I finally see her. I down the rest of my drink, drop some bills on the counter and hop off my stool. I wind my way through the sea of dancers and finally reach Melanie. Thank God.

"Melanie. Melanie!" I grab her arm to get her attention. She looks at me, "Hey Alex, here to dance?"

"No Melanie..." she instantly cuts me off. "Dance Alex!"

"What? No, Melanie, I have to go!"

"What? Why? Come on Alex, just one dance out here!" Melanie grabs my arm and forces me into a triangle with the woman from the bar and herself. I lean in to her and yell in her ear, it's so damn loud so I need her to hear me.

"Melanie I have to go home! Like now!"

"Oh fuck!" Melanie yells. She raises one finger in my direction and leans into the girl she's dancing with. She says a few things, the girl nods and continues dancing. 

Melanie grabs my arm and drags me back to the bar. I'm trying to explain to her I have to go but even as we reach the bar she's still not actually speaking to me but rather dragging me. She steps up to the bar and orders three shots of vodka. I roll my eyes. I just need to leave and really wish she would let go of my hand. Three shots are set on the bar in front of her, she grabs one and hands it to me. "Drink it" she states. I sigh and take the shot hoping this will appease her and she'll let go of my hand so I can leave. I hand the empty glass back to her and she hands me another full one. 

"What? No. Mel..."

"Drink it." You'd think she was mad at me the way she was looking at me. It's her own fault, if she'd just said goodbye to me earlier on the dance floor she'd could be out there dancing with her hottie instead of glaring at me. Which she is still doing. 

"Fine," I huff, and take the shot and down it quickly. "May I go now?" My annoyance is beginning to show. 

"No." She looks me right in the eyes, takes the third shot and downs it herself. She sets the drink down and looks back at me. She locks eyes and leans in. "Alex I love you, I think you're wonderful and you know that."

What the hell? I think. She wants to have a heart to heart now. She continues.

"Alex I refuse to let you leave here without at least having a little bit of fun."

"I did have fun, I love people watching." Especially tonight I think to myself.

"That does not count as fun. That counts as being a wall flower," she scolds. "What happened to the Alex who would go out with me in college? I know we didn't go out a lot but at least when we did you had fun. Alex, you're in the perfect place to just enjoy the night. No one is going to try to take you home and if they do, well you always have me to protect you. Come on, it's been too long since I've seen you move to the beat." She gives me her patent smile, the one that I can never say no to. Especially now that she's plowed me with alcohol and I'm starting to feel less constricted.

"Come on, Alex, how long's it been since you just let go and had fun? Besides you leave now and that buzz will go to waste at home alone." She knows she's got me. Or least that she got the alcohol to get me. She's right now, when was the last time I just had fun. And who's going to tell? No one knows I'm here... Crap. Olivia.

"No I..." She doesn't know why I need to leave. If she knew she probably wouldn't care, she'd probably still be dragging me to the dance floor like she is currently. She's such a jerk, I think to myself not really seriously. And then next thing I know, I'm standing there with her looking me in the eyes, hands on my hips forcing them to sway with the music. I briefly glance around, I don't see Olivia anywhere, probably left. Lord knows I would have if I were her. 

The combination of the alcohol, Melanie's smile and forced movements make me give in. "Oh hell," I say and start moving with the music. As I start to lose myself to the music I can feel my insecurity dropping away. I hate when she's right, but she is, she knew I'd start to enjoy myself if I just let go of whatever it is that keeps me on the sidelines. 

Melanie is dancing partially with me and partially with her lady from the bar. A young woman dances up next to me. Clearly picking up a dancing partner in a lesbian bar is the same as in a straight bar. I turn towards her and start dancing. She a nice enough dancer, respectful enough. I look over at Melanie, she's definitely enjoying her dancing partner. I smile at her and return to my dance partner. After a short while she drifts out and someone else drifts in. For a little while I just enjoy dancing with my revolving partners. I'm definitely loose now and really enjoying myself but I definitely need a break. I tell Melanie I'm going to get a drink at the bar. I excuse myself from my dance partner and head to the bar. I'm tipsy. I love being tipsy, it allows me a freedom I don't usually give myself but doesn't leave me incapable. I lean over the bar knowing full well that if I were in a straight bar I'd have men ogling me, but tonight I don't care because the only person I'm leaving with tonight is Melanie. I order my vodka on the rocks and dig in my pocket for some cash. I don't even realize I'm doing it but while I dig for cash with one hand I unbutton two buttons on my blouse with the other. What? It's hot. When I look back up the bartender had set my drink in front of me. 

She stops me as I try to give her my cash. "It's been paid for," she says.

"Well give them back their money and take mine, I'm not having some one think they can just buy me drinks and..." I'm cut off.

"Then you can owe me one next time we do drinks after a case," I hear.

I swing around, "Olivia."

"I thought that was you Alex."

I can't help it, I blush, I'm hoping she can't distinguish it from the fact that I'm a bit colored from the heat of the bar and dancing and alcohol. The bartender walks away assuming the bought drink is okay since we seem to know each other.

"Hi," I say, not knowing what I should say.

"Never thought I'd run into you here," Olivia says as she reaches around me to grab my drink off the bar. It must be the alcohol because my heart just fluttered a little. She hands me the drink and raises her glass, "Cheers." I tap my glass against hers and take a deep gulp.

"I'm here with my friend Melanie," I say motioning to the dance floor. "I'm surprised to see you here too," I say. Images of Olivia and her dance partner flood back to my mind and I blush again and stare at my glass before I take a sip.

"Uhh, yeah," Olivia clears her throat, "I come here every once in a while when I want to just dance and y'know enjoy a night out."

"Hmm." That's all I can say. She's looking at me so intently, I feel a bit awkward. I break eye contact with Olivia because I can't take it anymore. Instead I find something interesting to look at towards my right. I only look for a few seconds, sure that my few second break is enough time to break Olivia's watchful stare. When I look back she's definitely not looking at my face anymore. I feel a drop of sweat moving it's way down my neck and realize her eyes are focused on that instead of my face. I watch her as she watches the droplet slowly crawl down my neck. When it reaches my collarbone I assume it will just get stuck there. I'm wrong and as it moves further down my chest I see Olivia's tongue slowly wet her lips. My core and stomach clench like before. I can feel my breathing become shallow. I feel the drop move further down my chest. It reaches the swell of my breast and suddenly I'm wishing it were Olivia's tongue making that path and not the sweat. I watch her as she watches it disappear, soaked up by the fabric of my bra. It's now that I realize that I had unconsciously undone some of the buttons on my blouse. Part of me wants to button them back up, the rest of me sees Olivia's stare and could care less. She's looking at my chest with a hungry stare and I'm helpless. All I can do is watch her watching me and try not to melt right in front of her. When she finally looks back up at me, I can only imagine what she sees. I know what I must look like. I'm flushed, breathing heavy and my eyes are probably navy with lust. 

This is insane, I think. I'm straight. But oh god I'm so turned on. I know I can't lie to myself about my currently state. Instead I shove that to the side for later and just stare back at Olivia. I'd say something but I have no words right now. I don't know if I'd even be able to talk.

Olivia breaks our silence, "Um, want to dance?" I practically moan hearing her lust-laden voice. I'm unable to speak so I just nod. never breaking eye contact, she places her drink on the bar, takes my drink from my hand and places it on the bar next to hers. She grabs my right hand with hers. Her hand is so warm and so soft a brief flash of what it would feel like elsewhere comes to mind. I force my brain to focus on walking with her. Still never breaking eye contact she is backing up onto the dance floor, holding my gaze and my hand. 

We reach the dance floor. She places her hands on my hips and pulls me forward towards her. We are so close to touching, but we're not except for her hands on my hips. She starts to move and so do I, moving my hips back and forth to the music. I don't know what to do with my hands, I want to touch her but I'm not sure where so I let them move at my sides. Olivia moves her hands off my hips. I instantly miss the contact. She places them under my arms and moves my arms to her shoulders. Once she's sure they'll stay there she slides her hands to my shoulders leaving goosebumps in their wake. She reaches my shoulders and slides her hands around my back and slides then down my back down to my hips. My breath catches in my throat feeling her hands slide down to my hips. They stay there for a moment before her left hand reaches around and settles on the small of my back. She uses her hand to pull me closer and I think I might pass out when my abdomen touches hers. Even though we're clothed the sensation of having Olivia that close is euphoric. I'm so caught up with her closeness that I don't realize she has insinuated her thigh between mine until I feel it rub against me. 

"Oh fuck," I say as I feel her thigh push against me. She uses her hand to pull me closer and my leg makes contact with her center. 

"Jesus," I hear her say. Before I can push my leg against her again she's spun me again. Her hands have returned to my hips and she's pulling me back against her. I push into her and grind myself against her. I can feel her pulling me harder against her as she moves behind me. She's pressed against me fully and I feel her hot breath against my neck.

She lifts her head and whispers into my ear, "Alex, please." Her breath on my ear makes me moan out loud. I don't know how much longer I can last. My hands have reached up of their own accord and are stretching over my head weaving through her silky hair. 

I tilt my head back and whisper back, "Yes. God yes." I don't even know what I'm saying yes to but if it involves Olivia then right now, that's my only answer. She spins me back around and pulls my hips back to her roughly shoving one leg between mine and up to my center. I swear I see stars. My head drops to her shoulder. I'm not sure I've ever been this turned on before. It's Olivia, she's a woman, and yet I can't bring myself to care. I push my leg up into her and I can feel her heat on my leg. It's intoxicating. I raise my head from her shoulder and look at her. Her eyes are black, she's flushed and staring at me. She breaks eye contact and stares at my lips. I see her lick her lips at the same time she presses her leg into me and pulls me down onto it and I swear I might come, right here on the dance floor. 

She looks back into my eyes, "Tell me no now Alex, or else...." She doesn't have to finish, I know she means this is my chance, if I don't stop her now I won't be able to later. 

I couldn't tell her no if my life depended on it. Instead I repeat myself from earlier. "Yes, God yes." And with that, permission granted she captures my lips with her own. It's a sweet kiss, despite what our bodies are doing her kiss is tender. She captures my lower lip between hers and I feel her tongue dart out to taste. I groan at the sensation and my jaw drops just a little. Olivia takes advantage and slides her tongue into my mouth. I feel like I've just entered heaven. I can taste her drink from earlier. Her tongue wrestles with my own until I just can't keep up and give in to her. She runs the tip of her tongue against the roof of my mouth. We finally separate when oxygen is necessary.

I lean my forehead against hers. We're both breathing heavy. "Oh my God," I say. "Olivia," I say as I raise my head. I look into her eyes. "Take me home." I feel more than hear her groan and her eyes close for just a second. She opens them and looks at me. I didn't think her eyes could get any darker but somehow they have.

"Get your stuff," she growls.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Olivia leave the bar together, yay!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a slightly different feel but I had to cool it down a bit for Alex, Olivia and my iPad which is threatening to overheat because our ladies little dance. ;)

Chapter 2

"Get your stuff," she growls.

She grabs my hand and leads me through the crowd back to the bar. I'm in a complete lust-filled haze. So much so that I walk right by Melanie who reaches out and grabs my arm. I stop and begin to turn around. Olivia spins around she's behind me now and I feel her grasp on my hand tighten, feel her walking back towards me. She starts to pull me behind her as though she's protecting me. I pull my arm out of Melanie's hand and turn around to Olivia.

"Olivia," I place my hand on her chest to stop her movement. For a brief moment I lose myself in the feeling of touching her. It's such a simple touch, how can I feel what I'm feeling just from this small touch intended to stop her. I pull myself back to the task at hand. 

"I came with her Olivia, remember I came with a friend?" That seems to stop her. She looks towards Melanie then back to me.

"I'll go close my tab," she says and then turns and walks back to the bar. I already miss having her close to me.

"What the hell??" My thoughts are interrupted by Melanie. "Who the hell? What the? Alex what are you doing?" Melanie is so shocked that she can't quite make out everything she's thinking. In our entire friendship I've never seen her looking at me with the look of complete confusion that is currently gracing her face.

"Alex you know I saw everything? You know I have eyes on the back of my head for you. Who are you? Who is she? What are you doing? Was she going to beat me up? There is no way in hell I'm letting you go home with her! She could be insane, a murder, or worse!"

"Melanie!" I have to shout and grab her arm to get her to stop asking me questions. "I can't answer you if you don't stop talking." She stops and just stares at me, her eyes urging me to answer her.

I sigh, "That is Olivia Benson, she's one of the detectives I work with. Rest assured she is not a murder. And rest assured you ARE going to let me go home with her. As for the rest of it, I have no idea. Melanie, I know I'm straight but right now men are the last thing on my mind."

"Alex, are you sure you want to go home with her? You've never even kissed a woman, well aside from a few moments ago. Do you really think you're ready to go home with someone? What if you change your mind? You'll be stuck where ever with...."

"Melanie, first off, I won't be stuck where ever, I'll be at MY home. Secondly while my body is telling me it's highly unlikely that I'll change my mind, if I do, I trust Olivia to stop. And as for if I don't change my mind, well I'm terrified but if it's anything like it was on the dance floor I doubt I'll have too many brain cells to concentrate on being scared."

"But..."

I stop Melanie before she can even continue. "Melanie, I love you, I love that you're looking out for me. I'm okay, I'll be okay. I promise. I'll call you tomorrow." With that I kiss her on the cheek and turn around just in time to see Olivia walking back towards me. 

I meet Olivia half way. She steps beside me and places her right arm on the small of my back and begins to weave me through the crowd like she's done hundreds of times outside the courthouse. This time, however, is very different. This time, the place on my back where her hand is touching me is tingling. This time we're not headed back to the precinct. We finally make it to the front door. Olivia holds it open and I step out onto the street. The cool evening air hits us and we welcome it. Suddenly it seems silent on the street compared to inside the club. The bass is still audible outside but it's only a dull thump. Olivia looks back and forth towards the street then she turns to me. She becomes very serious very fast. Her eyes bore into mine.

"Alex, are you sure?" I wonder if the cool air has cooled her libido. Now that she's suddenly standing outside, not wrapped up in the feelings we had a short while ago in the bar, has she cooled down so much that she's changing her mind? She watches as I worry my lower lip. She reaches out and rubs her thumb across my lip. I feel that energy from before return. I kiss her thumb and look at her. I see my answer in her eyes. She's not changing her mind, she's giving me an out. I raise my arm to signal the cab I see behind her coming towards us. Only when it stops next to us do I look away from her.

I open the door for her, "Get in Olivia."

She smiles and slides in the cab. I get in after her and give the driver my address. We sit close, neither of us actually touching the other. The energy in the cab is electric. The driver must understand that we don't want to talk because he just looks forward and concentrates on the road. I'm thankful for his silent understanding. Despite the energy I suddenly feel shy. I want this to happen but I start to worry, what is Olivia expecting from me? Does she think that I am experienced in this matter? Does she know she'll be the first woman I've ever been with? My mind begins to whirl and I become even more nervous.

"Olivia," I say, looking at her, wishing I could read her mind. She looks at me and I can't help thinking that she's so damn beautiful. 

"Olivia, I want this," I start, "I really want this," I stress. "But I want you to know.... No I need you to know. I, um..." I'm completely at a loss for words. I look away from her eyes, I need a break from the intensity I see in them. I look at my hands in my lap. I start again, "Olivia, I'm not.... I haven't.... Liv I've never been with a woman before," I blurt out. 

I can't look at her now, I'm afraid of what I might see in her eyes so I continue to stare at my hands. I see her left hand cover mine. I feel her right come up and touch my chin. She lifts my head until I am forced to look into her eyes. Her hand moves to cup my face as she leans forward. I can't control my body, my concerns from before seem to have disappeared. Olivia leans forward and as though there is a gravitational pull I lean into her. My eyes close of their own accord. I part my lips but am surprised when I feel her lips touch my closed eye. She touches her lips to my other eye and I can't stop the smile that graces my face. She kisses the corner of my mouth and finally her lips land on mine. I'm sure it's the most tender and gentle kiss I've ever had in my life. She pulls away and waits for me to open my eyes. I almost don't want to open them, I feel like I'm in a dream and opening them might wake me up. Reluctantly I do. I open my eyes and find myself the object of her gaze. 

"Say the word and I'll drop you off at your apartment and drive off. This is your choice Alex. I won't deny that I want you, but you're entitled to change your mind. You don't have to do this."

I believe her. I know in my heart that if I told her no, she'd leave without a word. But I don't want that, not at all. "I won't lie, I'm terrified Olivia. But I want this. I just don't know what you expect of me."

"I don't expect a thing. I want you Alex, as long as you're okay with that, then that's all that matters to me."

I lean forward and kiss her. It's soft and gentle at first. God her lips are so soft it's like kissing silk. The electricity is back. This time it's me who moves to deepen the kiss. As soon as her lips part I take that to my advantage. I slide my tongue over hers, God I think I could do this forever. I pull my tongue back into my mouth and capture her lower lip. I suck it into my mouth and bite down lightly. She whimpers and her hands fly to my hip. She's holding onto me me as though her life depends upon it. I'm leaning into her, pushing her back into the seat, I'm nearly about to climb into her lap when I hear the cab driver clear his throat. I break from Olivia and look out the window to see my apartment building. I hastily dig out a few bills and hand them to the driver just before I climb from the cab. I stand on the curb watching as Olivia seems to gather herself then climbs out onto the sidewalk with me. 

The cab pulls away leaving us standing there looking at each other. I grab her hand and lead her into the lobby of my building. I stop briefly at the desk to say hello to the overnight clerk. He's a sweet old man and no matter how much I want to get Olivia upstairs my manners refuse to let me just pass him by. I introduce him to Olivia. She lets go of my hand to shake his. I miss her hand already but I know it will return. I'm slightly saddened when it doesn't return to mine. But before I can think too long about it I feel her hand settle on at the small of my back. I'm smiling and nodding along with the conversation but I honestly have no idea what's being talked about. All I can focus on is Olivia's hand at my back and her thumb that is rubbing small circles. My God, how is it possible that just a thumb on my back can feel so amazing. I hear Robert the doorman saying goodnight and so I tell him goodnight back and allow myself to be guided by Olivia's hand towards the elevators. I lean forward and push the button to call the elevator.

As we step in and I push the elevator to take us to my floor I say to Olivia, "I love that man but I'll be damned if I didn't want him to shut up so we could get the hell out of there."

Olivia chuckles, "In a bit of a rush are we Alex?"

"If you'd kept your damn hands to yourself I would have been more patient," I respond. She just continues to laugh. I turn to her, put my hands on her hips and push her gently against the elevator wall. I step into her space and grab her wrists. I wrap my arms around to her back and press myself against the length of her. The feeling of being pressed against her is amazing but I must keep on track. I lean towards her and she closes her eyes, preparing herself for my kiss. I lean ever so slightly to the side and bring my lips to her ear. She's breathing heavy from my slow seduction.

"Seems you've run out of things to laugh about Detective," I whisper against her ear. I see her shudder and hear her moan whether it's due to my closeness or my voice I don't care, it's empowering. The moan shoots straight to my center urging me on. I lick the skin just below her ear. I take the soft lobe of her ear into my mouth and lightly suck. I feel her hands ball into fists as I sink my teeth into the flesh in my mouth. Just as I feel her start to move I hear the elevator ding. I step back out of her reach and just stare at her. I assume she can see the lust in my eyes because she growls at my now retreating form before stepping out of the elevator and saying, "playing with fire Alexandra Cabot." I look over my shoulder and send her a wink.

We arrive at my door and I've got my back to her while I dig the keys out of my pocket. I feel her ands come to my hips and she pulls me back against her. Her left hand comes around to my front and settles on my stomach while her right hand comes to the back of my neck and moves my hair. I can feel her leaning into me, feel her warm breath on my neck. I lose complete focus on the lock. I probably would have dropped the keys if they hadn't already been shoved into the lock. She's slowly blowing up and down my neck causing me to shiver and raising goosebumps over my entire body. I feel my stomach tighten at the sensation. She raises her mouth to the shell of my ear. 

"Open the damn door Alex."

Payback it would seem, is a bitch. I groan as my head falls back, "fuck."

"Alex, now."

It takes every last brain cell to force my head up and my hand to the lock. Turn the damn lock I tell myself. I hear the lock catch and send a silent thank you to the heavens. I push the door open and only then does Olivia let me go allowing me to walk into the apartment. She follows me in. I turn on the light as I hear the door shut and hear the lock click. Olivia must have been a dancer in another life because the way she turns me around to face her then spins us both around until I've got my back against the wall amazes me. She places her hands against the door on either side of my head effectively trapping me. Her eyes travel up and down my body and she's looking at me like she might swallow me whole. When her eyes finally come back to my own she leans in until our lips are nearly touching. We're so close that when she finally speaks I can feel the words as her breath touches my lips. 

"You're mine tonight Alex."

"Yes... please," I sigh just before she roughly captures my mouth.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia side of the first two chapters, now we can see how Olivia sees Alex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Generally I don't LOVE POV switches, I usually get lost a few times between the switches, but since it's my first fic I didn't realize that I would feel like I was only telling half the experiences without switching, so I am reluctantly making the switches. Hope no one gets lost... :/ Myself included... ;)  
> Also, End Note: I promise I won't repeat every scene in both POVs, just the ones I feel deserve both views. Hope I didn't bore you with essentially a repeat of the first two chapters.

Chapter 3

Olivia's POV

I'm standing in Alex Cabot's apartment, caging her against the wall. I've been allowed so much more of her than I'd ever allowed myself to wish for. 

I'd been dancing when I caught her eyes through the crowd. The nameless dance partner that I'd been dancing with at the time was immediately forgotten. I'd left the woman on the dance floor confused with my abrupt departure and headed straight to the restroom. I needed a moment to think. Standing in front of the bathroom mirror I turned on the water and held my hands underneath the stream. I let my cool, wet hands wander to my neck in an effort to cool myself down. I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't been wrapped up in my dance partner and that had I never seen those blue eyes I probably would have taken her home for the night. But I did see those blue eyes and my plans for the nameless woman were instantly cancelled. Alex Cabot was my goal tonight. Seeing her in this bar gave me the courage to go after her like I've always thought of doing but never did because I didn't know if she was gay. But she was here, she must be and now the only thing I'm risking is rejection rather than rejection and the embarrassment of hitting on a straight woman. Feeling free with my revelation I head back out to the bar to find her but when I get there I don't see her anymore. She must have left. 

I walk back to my original spot at the bar and signal for another whiskey. I plan on drinking this last one and then going home because now my mood is somber. I had my chance tonight but missed it because I needed a pep talk in the bathroom. The dark drink is set in front of me and just as I'm about to ask to have my tab closed I see her again. She's leaning over the bar with her forearms resting on the bar. She's tall but even she must raise to her toes to speak to the bartender. As she does I take in her long lean form. Her body, though already stunning is even more so than usual. Her jeans are dark and form fitting. They show the luscious curve of her backside. She's got a gorgeous ass. Her shirt is tucked into her jeans which are riding how on her hips. I can see how narrow her waist is and with her shirt tucked low her torso is elongated even more than usual as she leans into the bar. I can only imagine what the bartender sees as she leans her chest into the bar. I watch the bartender walk off to make her drink and decide to make my move. I tell the bartender her drink is on me and get off my stool and slowly make my way to where Alex is standing. 

I arrive just in time to hear Alex telling the bartender that she will not accept someone else paying for her drink. I can't help but smile as I hear her, that's definitely Alex. Before she can continue her lecture I save the bartender by telling her that she can pay me back next time we have post-case drinks. She swings around and I tell her that I thought it was her. She responds by blushing and saying hi, as though she's at a loss for words.

"Never thought I'd run into you here," I tell her as I reach around her to grab her drink off the bar. For a brief moment I'm close enough to smell her perfume. I lean back out of her space and hand her her drink before raising my own to her and saying "Cheers."

I watch over the rim of my glass as she takes a long sip from her glass. Her head is tilted back slightly and I see the muscles on her neck working to push the drink south. She's got a beautiful neck. She tells me she's here with a friend and that she is also surprised to see me here just before she get ever so slightly redder. She stares down into her glass just before she takes another sip. I wonder if she's talking about seeing me on the dance floor with another woman. I start to worry about what she thinks about seeing me dance with another woman. I want to tell her I didn't know that woman but instead I explain that I come here once in a while to dance and enjoy the night. She just responds with a slight hum.

I can't stop staring at her, she's gorgeous. I'm staring into her eyes before she turns to her right to look away. I take the opportunity to explore her face. It's flushed with color and dewy from the heat in the room. I let my eyes wander to her jawline, it's elegant. Strong but feminine. My eyes lower slightly to her neck, her beautiful, kissable, lickable neck. I see a small bead of sweat that has gathered on her neck and is slowly succumbing to gravity. I watch as it rolls a path down her neck, tantalizingly slow. I watch it roll down her neck until it reaches her collarbone. For a brief moment I think the journey is over but it crawls over and continues down her chest. Her blouse is unbuttoned all the way down to below her bra and I'm treated with more skin to admire. Unknowingly, I lick my lips as I watch the drop of sweat roll down the slight waves of her chest bones until it reaches the top, softly curved swell of her breast. I watch as it traces along the curve toward the valley of her breasts. I desperately want to follow it with my tongue as I watch it disappear into the fabric of her bra between two gorgeous mounds. My eyes are trapped in the valley of her breasts. Reluctantly I raise my eyes from where they have been resting. It's then as I slowly raise them back to her face that I notice her chest as it rises and falls heavier than before. Her skin is flushed with color. My eyes reach hers. They are so dark I can hardly see the patent blue in them. I ask her to dance with a voice that is octaves lower than my usual register; lust will do that to a person.

Only after she nods do I lead her the dance floor. Once there I place my hands on her hips and pull her into my space as we start to move. I need her closer, her hands are dangling at her sides so I ease them onto my shoulders. I trail my hands back to her shoulders and down to her hips. I let my left hand wander to the small of her back and pull her even closer until our stomachs touch. I know we're clothed but I am still able to feel the heat of her body as it touches mine. I slowly slide my leg between hers and allow our movements to rub against her before I push it to her center. I hear her swear and pull her closer until I feel her leg touch me. The feeling is amazing, I hear myself speak and I lose just a little more control. I spin her around and pull her against me. She pushes herself back into me and grinds her ass against me. I pull her even harder into me and grind myself into her trying to make as much contact as I can. The seam of my jeans are rubbing my center and I raise my head to her ear. I hear myself say her name.

"Alex, please," I say hoping she'll understand my two words. I hear hear moan as she weaves her hands through my hair. She tilts her head back as far as it can and whispers back, "Yes. God yes."

I need more, I spin her back around and pull her roughly to me. I thrust my leg back between hers and up into her center. Her head falls to my shoulder. She pushes her leg into my core, I know she can feel me through our clothes. I'm so wet I'm surprised I'm not leaving a spot on her jeans. She raises her head and looks me in the eyes. My eyes linger for a moment before falling to her lips. I lick my lips. I pull her hips down as I raise my leg back to her center even harder than before. I look away from her lips and settle back on her eyes.

"Tell me no now Alex, or else..." I warn her. She'll have to stop me now otherwise I'm not sure I'll be able to.

"Yes. God Yes," I hear. I lean down and capture her lips with my own. I have wanted to kiss her lips for as long as I can remember. I kiss her softly and gently, taking her lower lip between my own. I can't hold back, I have to taste her, my tongue swipes over her lip. I hear her groan as her lips part. I take it as an invitation and slide my tongue into her hot, wet mouth. Her tongue battles with mine before it settles allowing me control. I run my tongue over the roof of her mouth before pulling away for needed oxygen. She drops her forehead onto mine.

I hear her say, "Oh my God." She says my name as she raises her eyes to mine. Her dark eyes pierce my own. "Take me home" she says. I can't hold back the groan that escapes me. I've dreamed of hearing those words come from her mouth so many times before. My eyes close of their own accord. When I open them I look right into hers.

"Get your stuff," I say with lust in my voice as I grab her hand and weave us back through the crowd. We don't make it too far before I feel her stop. I turn around to see why she has stopped and see another woman's hand on Alex's arm. Jealously fights with concern for Alex as I start towards this woman while pulling behind me to protect her. I'm stopped though by Alex's hand to my chest and her soft voice saying my name. She reminds me she was here with a friend before looking back at the woman in question then turning back to me. I realize my mistake and leave her with her friend to go close my tab.

As I'm waiting for my bill I try wrap my head around the fact that Alex and I are going home together. That soon enough my dreams of touching Alex, of tasting her will come true. I'm already torn between savoring our first time or just letting go and following my baser more animalistic feelings. Right now I feel as though we'll be lucky to get to a bedroom without my attacking her. I sign my tab and head back to Alex. I see her kiss her friend's cheek and then start walking towards me. We meet half way and I place my hand on the small of her back and guide her through the crowd like I'm used to doing outside the courthouse. 

I hold the door for her and allow her to step out into the night air first. The fresh air allows me a moment to gather myself. I look up and down the street for a cab but see none. I take the opportunity to ask her if she is sure. Her demeanor changes so slightly that I'm sure a passerby would never have noticed, but I do. I watch as she pulls her lower lip between her teeth. It occurs to me that she thinks I've changed my mind. I reach out and soothe her lower lip. She gently kisses my thumb as I continue to look at her as though she's the only thing that exists in this world. Never breaking eye contact she raises her right arm and out of the corner of my eye I see a cab stop at the curb beside us. She looks away and opens the door to the cab and instructs me to get in. 

I climb into the cab and she follows. She tells the driver her address and we take off. We ride silently for a few minutes. When she finally breaks the silence she's shy. She's unable to look at me when she tells me that she's never been with a woman before. I'm surprised, I assumed from our experience thus far that she was a lesbian. I could honestly care less, in fact I'm honored to think that she will allow me into her bed when she's never had another woman. She still won't look at me so I turn her head to me. I lean in and she closes her eyes. I kiss them, one at a time. I see her lips turn up into a smile. I kiss the corner of her mouth then her lips. I lean back and wait for her to open her eyes. For just a moment I'm able to look at her not with lust but rather with the emotions she's brought up. I'm not just looking at a beautiful sexual creature but a treasure to be cared for. When she finally opens her eyes and meet mine I tell her that she can change her mind and I'll just drop her off. I tell her it's her choice. And it is, no matter how much I want her now I would stop with just one word from her. She's worried about expectations. They don't matter to me, I don't have any. I tell her such and tell her that as long as she's okay with my wanting her that's all that matters.

She says nothing as she leans forward and kisses me. It's such a soft kiss, gentle and tender. I let her lead and she does. As I sigh my lips part and she moves her tongue into my mouth and slides it over my own before leaving my mouth and taking my lower lip between her lips. She sucks it into her mouth and I feel the pull right down to my core. When she bites down I let out a soft whimper and grab her as though she's the only thing keeping me from floating away. I let her push me back into the seat. I feel her move slightly just before I hear the cabbie clear his throat. She breaks the kiss and looks out the window at the building next to us. She pays the driver and climbs out. I take a deep breath and try bring my body back down. When I am satisfied that I'm mostly in control I climb out of the cab. 

She grabs my hand and leads me into the building. She introduces me to the night desk man. While I think it's absurd that we're so close to our sanctuary to be stopping for a chat, I understand her upbringing won't allow her to simply just walk by the elderly man. After shaking his hand my hand returns to the small of her back and I'm absently rubbing circles there with my thumb. I chat for a few more moments before the desk man says goodnight to us and I guide her to the elevators. Once the elevator opens we step in and Alex pushes the button for her floor. She tells me she loves that man but wanted to get out of there. 

I can't help the chuckle that rises and take the opportunity to tease her a little, "In a bit of a rush are we Alex?" 

She blames her lack of patience on me for not keeping my hands to myself and I can only laugh, who would have thought I'd have that effect on her. She doesn't say anything else. Instead she turns and places her hands on my hips and pushes me gently back against the wall. She steps towards me and grabs my wrists and pulls them around my back as she pushes her entires body tightly against me. I close my eyes as she leans into me and wait for her kiss. But it's her breath I feel against my ear and not her kiss on my lips. Her seduction has me breathing heavily. 

I know she knows she has won this round when I hear her say, "Seems you've run out of things to laugh about Detective." Whether it's her breath or her voice that tickles my ear I don't know but I do know it causes a shudder to run through me and I moan at the sensations she's causing. I feel her hot, wet tongue lick just below my ear before she takes the soft flesh of my ear into her mouth. I'm certain that there's a nerve connected from my ear straight to my core because when she sucks my ear I feel it in my clit. When she bites down on the flesh I have to ball my hands into fists in an attempt to keep from letting them wander. Just as my control begins to break and I start to move the elevator dings and she steps out of my reach. Her eyelids are lowered and her eyes are the same dark blue pools I saw in the bar. She steps out of the elevator and my baser animal instinct causes me to growl at her. 

I step out of the elevator before she can get too far away and warn her, "Playing with fire Alexandra Cabot." Her response is a seductive wink.

There's only one door on this floor I notice as she turns to it to unlock it. I take the advantage and bring my hands to her hips and pull her back fully against me. I allow my left hand to slide to her stomach while I move her hair from her neck with my right. I'm leaning my body into hers touching every possible part of her body with my own. I smile to myself as I blow up and down her neck as I watch her jam the key into the lock. I know this round goes to me when I feel her shiver. Under my left hand I can feel the muscles in her stomach tighten. I stop blowing on her neck to raise my mouth to her ear.

"Open the damn door Alex," I tell her. My seduction of her has only fueled my own fire and I'm growing impatient. 

She groans as her head drops back. "Fuck," I hear her say.

"Alex, now." I'm demanding now. I'm quickly losing control and if I don't get her inside soon I might just take her out here in her hallway.

She raises her head and unlocks the door. Only when the door is open do I let her go. I follow her into her apartment, close the door and throw the lock while she turns on the lights. Before she can do anything else I grab her from behind and turn her towards me as I spin us both and push her up against the wall. I place my hands on either side of her head, she's trapped. My eyes feast on her as they roam up and down her body. There's nothing more that I want than to take her right there against the wall but I reign in my thoughts as I raise my eyes back to hers. Holding her gaze I lean in so close that I can feel her breath on my face. I need her to know that tonight she is at my mercy. That tonight we go at my speed. That tonight I fully intend to devour her. I need her to know.

"You're mine tonight Alex," I tell her.

She whimpers out two words, "Yes... please." I lean in the last few millimeters and let my control slip as I roughly capture her mouth with my own. She's mine.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut and language ahoy! Children avert your eyes ;) That is all.

Chapter 4

Alex's POV

I'm trapped. I'm trapped and I could care less. Olivia has told me that I'm hers tonight and while claiming possession of me would normally instantly end any and all possible relations, tonight I can only agree. She's right, tonight I'm hers. She instantly fused her mouth to mine. This was not the same tender kiss from before, she has captured my mouth with her own. The force of her kiss has my head pressed against the wall. My hands weave into her hair pulling her impossibly closer to me. Her hands travel from the wall down my sides causing me to groan into her mouth. I feel her step into me as I spread my legs allowing her to her hips to press into mine. Her hands travel down my waist and around my back to grab my ass. I feel her hands massage me before she bends her knees slightly and lowers her hands to the back of my thighs. Before I realize it she has stood up. I feel my feet leave the floor as she hooks her arms and lifts my legs to settle them on her waist. She steps even closer to the wall and I'm pinned, my legs around her, her arms holding me to her as she presses her body into my center. The sensation has me gasping out loud and breaking the kiss. My head falls back and she takes the opportunity to attack my neck. My neck lolls to the right and she sucks at the pulse point just below my jawline. The muscles in my neck jump and she opens her mouth and lightly sinks her teeth into them. She drags her teeth down my neck until she reaches my collarbone. She places open mouth kisses along my collarbone dipping as low as our position allows us. 

"I need more," she says before she places me back down on the ground. I take a moment to find my legs as I look into her eyes. I shiver at the pure lust I see in them. 

"Bedroom," is all I can say. She steps back allowing me to step away from the wall. I grab her hand and lead her to my bedroom. I walk her to the bed and give her a slight push. She takes my hint and sits on the edge of the bed. She watches me as I walk to my bedside table and turn on the light casting a warm glow throughout the room. I walk back to her and stand in front of her. She take my hips and spreads her legs allowing me to stand between them. I look down into her eyes and realize this will really happen. I should be terrified and nervous but I'm neither. Through the lust in her eyes I see something else, something gentle and tender. I take her chin in my hand and lean forward and touch my lips to hers. It's never been like this before for me, to go from passionate and hungry one minute to soft and dare I say caring in another. I hear a soft moan come from Olivia and am encouraged. I set my knees on either side of her on the bed and climb up to straddle her. I allow her tongue entrance to my mouth as I feel her hands at my waist. She raises her hands up my sides dragging my shirt with them, pulling it from my waist. When I'm entirely untucked she lowers her hands back to my waist this time under the fabric of my shirt. When I feel her hands touch the sensitive skin of my sides we both moan at the feeling. She's sliding her tongue over mine as she wraps arms around me and hugs me tight. I pull back slightly from the kiss, as her tongue starts to slip from my mouth I grab it with my teeth and suck it back into my mouth as I push my hips into her. Her hands move down to grab my ass. I feel her stand and take the opportunity to wrap my legs around her waist and lock my ankles. She turns me and moves her right hand to the center of my back as she leans forward and lies me on the bed. She raises herself above me with her left arm.

"Up," she says and I unlock my ankles and move myself further up the bed. She crawls up the bed and settles herself back between my legs. She fits perfectly. She's half lying over me holding herself above me with her left arm. I raise my hips searching for more contact. She pulls herself back slightly not allowing me the pressure I desperately want. 

She looks me in the eyes and tells me patience.

Olivia's POV

I feel Alex push her hips into me and I pull back slightly. I look into her eyes and say, "patience," just before I lower my lips to hers and gently kiss them. Before the kiss can be deepened I pull back. I bring my right hand to her neck. I touch my fingers lightly to her pulse and feel it throbbing underneath them. I slowly stroke the soft skin making my way down her neck. I can't resist and lean down and follow the same path with my tongue. I can taste the salty skin and think that I've never tasted something so amazing. I pull back and watch as my fingers trace her collarbone. The push on, lower down her neck until I reach the lace of her bra. I trace the line just above the lace over the swell of her breast and down into the valley created by the two beautiful mounds. She's breathing so heavy it only makes the sight even more beautiful and harder to resist and I don't. I reach across her chest and gently place my hand over her left breast. I gently massage it as I feel her arch her back and push herself into my hand. My hand tightens and I squeeze. Alex sucks in between clenched teeth. 

"Fuck," I hear her say.

I squeeze one more time before I move my hand back to the center of her chest, to the v in her shirt. I slowly unbutton her shirt allowing my knuckles to drag down her skin as I move down to the last button. Once I have undone all the buttons I lift myself up a few more inches above her so that I can see as I unveil her creamy toned stomach. I take a moment and drag my fingers along the skin and watch as her stomach muscles tighten and quiver. I am unable to resist the urge to slide down to pepper the skin I have revealed with soft kisses. I press my nose to her skin and breath in. I smell baby powder first then I smell her. I'm so close to her I can smell the faint smell of her arousal. 

"Oh god," I groan. Suddenly I now longer want gentle and soft. I sit up and grab the collar of her shirt forcing her to sit up with me. My mouth descends on hers. I slide my tongue into hers and pull her shirt over her shoulders and pull her further into me. Her arms are pinned to her sides as battle her tongue with my own. I break the kiss and let go of her shirt. My hands push the shirt down her arms and she pulls her arms out of the sleeves. I throw the shirt aside and reach behind her to release the clasp on her bra. I pull the straps off her shoulders and she drops her arms letting the bra fall from her shoulders releasing her two beautiful breasts. I pull the bra from between us where it has fallen and it joins the shirt on the floor. 

I'm staring at her chest. She breathing hard making her breasts rise and fall heavily. I take in the sight of her breasts. They're perfect. They are smaller than mine but perfect for her slight frame. Her nipples are rosy and standing erect. I lean forward and gently urge her back onto her back. My hand shakes as I reach out to touch her breast. She takes my hand in hers and guides it to her breast. I moan the instant my hand touches her breast and for a moment I can't do anything but hold it. I feel her hand begin to move mine and my hand takes over. I massage her breast, her left hand still covering mine. I look up at her face, her eyes are closed, her lower lip is caught between her teeth before it's released and her mouth drops open. 

It's when I hear her, "Oh fuck, Olivia," that my lust is back. I squeeze her breast tight and her hand drops to her side. I rub my thumb over her nipple making even harder than it already is. I feel her left leg rub up the back of my right the heel of her stiletto dragging along my leg. This only turns me on more and take my hand off her breast. My hand grabs her leg and lifts it higher until it's sitting on my hip. I lean forward and take her breast into my mouth. Her hand to flies to the back of my head and she pushes me down. She arches her back and I feel her left leg flex to pull me into her.

"Oh God," she moans. The sounds she's making along with the feel of her pulling me into her and her breast in my mouth cause me to groan.

I love her breasts already. With my right hand supporting me I reach up with my left and grab her right breast. I massage it softly as I suck her left breast into my mouth. I suck gently at first. As I grasp her nipple with my left hand and pinch I suck as much of her right breast into my mouth and bite down on the flesh.

"Ahhh FUCK!" Alex pulls my head down to her chest so hard that I'm almost unable to breath. Her right hand flies to my back and grips my shirt using it to pull me to her. I feel her arch her back as her whole body goes taut for just a second before I feel the tremors that pass through her.

Alex's POV

Olivia pinches my nipple while her mouth bites down on my other breast. The sensation is such a surprise and feels so amazing that before I know it I'm screaming as I come. Every muscle in my body goes tight just before the waves of my orgasm overcomes me. I'm pulling Olivia as close to me as I possibly can until my muscles relax and fall limply to my sides. My eyes are glued shut as I come back to my body. This wasn't the most powerful orgasm I've ever had but it's the first time I've ever come just from having my breasts touched. I have a brief moment of embarrassment. I feel like a teenage boy coming at the first touch but when I feel Olivia stroking my hair and kissing my forehead I forget my embarrassment.

My breathing is finally slowing when I hear Olivia speak to me. "Alex, baby? Are you ok?" She's still stroking my hair. I open my eyes and am greeted by her eyes looking down at me. I pull her down to me and kiss her passionately. The damn has been broken and I'm frantically pulling at her shirt. I need to see her. I need to feel her. I need everything and I need it now. She seems to sense my urgency and pulls her body up and to take off her shirt and throw it to the ground. She reaches behind her back to unclasp her bra as I sit up. Her bra is barely off when I latch onto her breast with my mouth. I hear her moan as I feel her nipple become a hard bud against my tongue. My arms are wrapped around her as I pull her closer to me. Her hands are fisted in my hair. She's grinding herself into me. She pulls me up and kisses me hard as she she forces me onto my back. We both gasp when we finally feel skin on skin. I can feel an electricity where our breasts touch. She lifts her body off me and slides her leg between mine and grinds it to my center. I gasp as I lift my leg up to her. She slams herself down unto my leg before she begins to ride my leg. Her movements on my leg are forcing her leg up into me pushing into me. I'm unbelievably sensitive from my earlier orgasm.

"Oh God, fuck, Olivia yes," I pant out between breaths. I can feel her speed up the rhythm on my leg.

"Yes, Alex, yes, oh,... yes." 

I push my leg up into her even more that it is already. I can feel the coil in my body pulling tight again. "Oh God.... Please.... Olivia. Fuck, I'm going to come again... Oh God, Olivia," I groan out.

She must make sense of my groans because she's pushing herself hard onto my leg faster and faster which pushes her against my harder and faster. Her rhythm gets choppy for a few pushes before I hear her say, "Aleeeexx," as her body freezes pushed up against my leg. The combination of my name as she comes and her leg pushed into me tips me over the edge and I come again making stringing some unintelligible words together.

Olivia collapses on top of me as I feel the last few tremors run through my body and for a moment we both lie there, catching our breaths. Her face is buried in my neck and I can feel her heavy breath on my neck as she tries to bring body back down. I keep my eyes closed enjoying the feel of her on top of me. 

Olivia's POV

I have my face buried in her neck, my nose pressed against her pulse as I try to summon my body parts into moving. I need to move myself so I'm not crushing her with my body but if feels so good where I am. It's rare that I let myself go like I did. It's rare that my body let itself go. I usually need more than some grinding to come but tonight I just rode Alex's leg until an orgasm rocked through me. That was not my intention but when she took my breast into her mouth I lost control. When our breasts touched and her leg touched my center I gave in to my body. I heard her warn me that she was going to come and everything else faded out until nothing was left but the feel of Alex below me, knowing she was close and her leg pushed hard against me. It was her name on my lips when I came, it usually is, only this time it was real and she came right after me. 

Thinking about it stirs me again and I lift my head slightly in order to lick the skin of her neck. It's salty and sweet at the same time. I lift up more and continue licking her neck further down. I'm moving down to her chest where I take a breast in my mouth, gently this time as I swirl my tongue around her nipple. I stiffen my tongue and push onto her nipple. I hear her moan. I score my teeth along the underside of her breast before moving lower. I nibble at her sides and she starts to squirm below me. I kiss lower still stopping at her belly button to lick around it before blowing softly on the wet skin. She's moaning and I can feel her hips raise seeking contact. I reach the waist of her jeans and run my finger below the fabric feeling the top of her underwear. I kiss the skin just above the waistband and pull myself up until I'm sitting back on my heels between her legs. My hands reach out to the button of her jeans.

"Off," I say as I release the button and slowly slide the zipper down. I hear a soft sigh as I feel Alex raise her hips allowing me to pull her jeans down. I make sure to take her underwear with her jeans. There will be another time for seeing sexy thongs, right now I need her naked. She flips off her shoes as I pull her jeans and underwear down her legs until they fall to the floor where they are instantly forgotten. I slide my hands back up her long lean legs. My hands reach her thighs where I caress her inner thighs. I lay down on my stomach as I spread her legs. I kiss her where I had just caressed with my hands. I smell her, I smell the sex coming from just above me. I spread her legs even further apart as she bends her knees to accommodate me even more. I slide my arms through the bend in her knees and place my hands on her thighs and pull her to me. 

She is impossibly wet. I know she's come twice but I'm still surprised at how coated she is with her own juices. I push my face to her center and breath in as I take in her glistening lips. My heart is racing and I'm nearly overwhelmed by the sensations of being between her legs. My tongue reaches out and I drag it from the very bottom of her slit all the way up to her clit collecting as much of her juice as I can. When I pull my tongue back into my mouth, soaked in her juices I finally fully taste her. Words can't describe her taste, other than perfect. It's an unbelievable mix of sweet and rich and what I can only assume to just be Alex. I can't help but moan at my first taste of her. Now that's I've tasted her I know I need so much more. I dip my head back down and make another long pass up her wet slit. I kiss her lower lips and pull them into my mouth. She's panting now. I make another few long licks before tensing my tongue and pushing it into her. I hear her moan deep and long. I pull my tongue out and push back in a few times before making another lick to collect her juices as I bring my tongue to her clit. 

I push her clit with my tongue and hear her say, "Oh God yes." I take her clit between my lips and squeeze them together. "Fuck," she hisses. I let go and place my mouth over her swollen bud. I suck in just a little to add a different pressure then swipe my tongue back and forth across her clit. "Oh fuck... Oh God" she moans. I change direction and flick up and down earning more moans from above. I slide my right hand below my chin and drag two fingers through her wet heat to coat them. I place my fingers at her entrance putting just enough pressure to let her know my intentions but not entering her. Her hand flies to my head while her other hand grips the sheets. "Please," I hear her say, "please." I use my tongue and change directions again on her clit going back swiping back and forth as I push two fingers deep into her. Her moan turns into a deep groan from the back of her throat as I enter her. I wait a moment allowing her to adjust. She's so tight and so wet, so hot it's hard for me to wait, but I do. I'm still working her clit with my tongue when I hear her, "Please. Oh God, please."

I pull my fingers back until they are just inside her then push them back in. "Fuck, yes." Encouraged I repeat my actions slightly faster this time. "Fuck, please, Olivia, please, faster," I hear her beg. I begin a steady speed inside her while my tongue continues to assault her clit, faster than before. I can feel it getting harder and harder as I push into her with more speed. Her hand has abandoned my head and is now above her head holding the headboard. Her hips are beginning to move with my rhythm and I can no longer keep my mouth on her clit. I lift my head and focus on my hand and my rhythm. I look above and see her head thrashing back and forth on the bed as she pants. Her pillow is gone, she has thrown it, somewhere and her hand is now gripping the mattress just above her head. Her hips are pumping against my hand as I try to keep up with her. She's making sounds they aren't quite words nor are they moans. 

When she does speak again she nearly yells, "Fuck, Olivia, harder! Fuck me!" My hand speeds up even faster. I'm slamming into her hard and deep. "Fuck, Olivia! Oh God... I need to come. Fuck me! Make me come!" I change my angle, curl my fingers and push into her as my palms hits her clit. Two more pumps exactly like that and she's coming. "Oooooohhhhh! Fuuuuuuuuckkkk! Her inner canal grips my fingers over and over and over as her hips freeze in the air above the mattress and her shoulders slam into the bed. Her body convulses and shakes a few more times before her hips fall to the bed and her legs fall open. I wait as her insides tremble slightly. Once I'm sure she's done I slowly pull my fingers out of her. I hear a deep, sated moan come from her. My fingers are coated with her juices and I happy suck them into my mouth to clean them. I desperately want to lick her clean but I'm sure she must be too sensitive for any stimulation at all.

I crawl up her body and kiss her allowing her to taste herself on me. She hums her contentment into my mouth. She breaks the kiss and tilts her head up to me as she opens her eyes and smiles.

"Wow," she says.

"Wow," I repeat. I see her struggling to keep her eyes open. I kiss her forehead softly and tell her to close her eyes. 

She starts to weakly protest, "but,... you...".

"I am going to take off my pants, find your pillow then climb back into bed with you and hold you while you sleep until I fall asleep Alex," I say as I pull back from her and slide to the edge of the bed. I take off my shoes and take off my pants as a quickly look around for her pillow. I find it on the floor on the opposite side of the bed that Alex had been on. I grab the pillow and crawl back into bed where Alex is watching me with sleepy eyes. I settle next to her with my head of the pillow. I hold my arms out and she wastes no time in crawling into my warm embrace. Her head is lying on my chest as she half lies on me half on the bed. Her right leg is tossed over my left and settles between mine. I lean forward and kiss her head. She lifts her head and kisses me on the lips.

"I owe you one," she mutters.

I just chuckle. I hear her breathing quickly even out and whisper, "good night Alex."

"Mmmpht," she mumbles. Within a few minutes we're both breathing even as we fall asleep together.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after....

Chapter 5

Alex's POV

I notice two things instantly as the sun begins to warm my face and wake me up. The first is the strong heavy thud I feel in my head as I silently swear my vengeance on Melanie as I have no doubts that the thump in my head is directly related to now EX best friend. Next time we go out she's toast, I have no problems whatsoever using all my familial wealth to ensure that next time I buy her every single drink and shot in the bar. 

I opt to keep my eyes closed as I take in the other thing I notice, my body. It's sore. Without even moving I know that a number of muscles were put into action last night that haven't been seen action in quite sometime. It's a few more moments before my mind is firing on all cylinders and it occurs to me that if the muscles are sore, obviously I must have left the bar with someone. If I can't immediately recall who it was that I left with I find myself with no choice but to find out. And so I do. I open my eyes expecting to see some random face of whatever man I apparently let come home with me but instead I find just an empty space next to me. That's when I hear movement coming from my bathroom. I grab the sheet as I sit up to face my stranger and cover myself before he can come back and catch me naked. I know he saw me naked last night but that was last night and last night and this morning are two very different things. 

When the bathroom door finally opens and my mystery man steps out I'm shocked to see that it's not a man at all. Not only is it not a man, I'm even more shocked to find myself looking into the eyes of Olivia Benson. Actually, I'm stunned into stupidity. I feel my jaw open to speak but nothing comes out. I, Alexandra Jacqueline Cabot, Harvard Law graduate, Manhattan Assistant District Attorney, woman who has made her life based on words, has absolutely nothing to say. I cannot find a single word. I don't even know what... I realize in my stunned silence that the sheet has fallen from my hands. I notice Olivia's eyes break contact with mine and travel down to my chest. I look down and quickly grab the sheet to cover myself again. I'm trying to process the fact that I'm naked, I've clearly had sex and that all signs point to Olivia Benson being my partner from last night when I hear Olivia clear her throat. 

"Umm, I hope you don't mind but I used your shower. I got called in and thought I could get a quick shower in before I headed out. I'm sorry if I woke you up, I tried to be as quiet as I could. I was going to leave you a note if you were still asleep when I got done, but, uhh, since you're awake, uhh, well... I should probably go, I told Elliot I'd be there in 30. So I should run."

I can't do anything but nod my head. She takes a step towards me and I feel my eyes widen, despite my best efforts to keep a straight face. She stops and looks down as she shoves her hands into her pockets. 

"I'll... I'll call you if we need a warrant, or you know." And with that she heads out of my bedroom. A moment later I hear the front door open and close. 

I still haven't moved, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to, so I remain frozen with my mouth hanging open and my sheets still clutched to my chest. When I'm finally able to move I head to the bathroom and grab my robe off the door. Wrapped up I trudge to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee. With the coffee starting I head back to the bathroom and turn on the shower. I step out of my robe and into the shower.

I love my shower, some women love baths, but I love showers. When I bought my apartment the first thing I did was renovate the shower. My shower went from a standard shower to a large walk-in shower with a small tile seat in the corner. The basic shower head was replaced with multiple high pressure shower heads one which is a multifunction handheld shower head. It's a toss-up if that's my favorite piece or not. It's wonderful after a long day at work, the massage function always managed to work the knots out of my neck saving the disaster of attempting a massage, which I hate. Directly above my head are my other favorite additions to the shower. Four perfectly placed rainshower faucets which were installed primarily for my love of standing in the shower and letting it wash the day away. I've been known to spend up to a half an hour just standing under those jets. This morning might be one of those times. 

As I step into the shower and turn on the overhead jets I try to put everything together. I brought Olivia home with me and spent the night having sex with her. I don't even remember how that actually came to be. I was in the bar. I remember Melanie pushing drinks down my throat and things get quite fuzzy from there. I thought I'd been dancing with some random stranger... How did that random stranger become Olivia? I decide I don't want to think about that right now, so I tilt my head up and let the water hit my face and engulf me. I stay there, in the safety of my shower until I feel the water begin to cool. Reluctantly I turn off the shower and towel off. Since it's Sunday I allow myself the comfort of a favorite pair of torn, baggy jeans that I've had since college. I toss on a ratty Harvard sweatshirt and head to the kitchen, directly to the coffee machine. 

After pouring myself a cup of coffee I head to the living room couch and settle in. I welcome the first hot sip of the dark liquid. I turn on the tv and the sounds of a 24 hour news station fills the room. I continue to sipping from my coffee cup, passively listening to the news as the caffeine begins to work its way into my system, pushing through the fog from last night's alcohol. 

As the fog begins to clear I start to get quick clips from last night as they flash through my mind. I see Olivia and I dancing. I see her pressing me against the wall. Oh my God, I see myself coming from her attention to my breasts and just that attention alone. I feel myself flush from embarrassment just at the thought. The night is no longer just clips as I see her bring me to orgasm a second time. And the third time? By the third time I had apparently just let go entirely. What the hell had come over me? I never let go of my control that way and certainly not the first time I'm ever with someone. I have to trust the person I'm with immensely before I fully let go when I'm with them but yet last night I completely surrendered to my base needs and I can't take it back. I'm so embarrassed by my behavior from last night I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out again. And yet I can't. Yet I still have to work with Olivia. I drop my head into my hands and sigh. What the hell am I going to do? I pick up the phone off the table next to me and sigh as I dial Melanie's number.

Olivia's POV

I wake up surrounded by Alex. I'm tucked in behind her, holding her tight to me, my head buried in the back of her neck. Every breath I take is filled with the smell of Alex. I could get used to waking up like this. Wait, I take that back, since it occurs to me that I woke up because I could hear my phone buzzing which can only mean one thing, a case. I'd rather wake up surrounded by Alex of my own accord, not due to a case which will rip me from this wonderful spot. I quietly and carefully crawl out of the bed, hoping I don't wake Alex. I find my discarded pants and grab my phone from the belt. I look at the caller id and sure enough it's Elliot.

"Hey Elliot, what's up?" I whisper. He gives me the details and I agree to meet him in 30 minutes at the scene. 

I collect my strewn clothing from the floor and head to the bathroom. As much as I hate to make use of Alex's bathroom without her permission, I really need to shower before heading out to the scene. I quietly shut the door and strip out of my underwear. Turning to the shower to turn it on I'm faced with, well I'm not sure what I'm looking at. Her large walk-in shower has three shower heads coming out of the wall and above are four more square shower heads. On the wall just before stepping into the shower I see what I assume is the on/off button temperature thing. No hot and cold knob , just a knob with choices of how exactly I want the water to flow and one knob with a digital color read out for the temperature. I turn the knobs randomly and pray for a simple stream of warm water. Somehow I luck out and get a warm stream of water from just one jet. I rinse myself as quickly as I can and hop out. It takes another minute to get the shower to turn off. Only Alex would have a shower that requires a PhD just to turn on and off I think as I grab a towel and dry off before quickly redressing. 

When I step out of the bathroom Alex is awake and sitting up, staring at me. Her jaw goes slightly slack. Her sheet falls from her hands and my eyes travel down to her chest, yup still as gorgeous as last night. Now I really wish I hadn't been woken up for a call out. Suddenly my view is covered. She's clutching the sheet to her looking a little like a deer in the headlights. Oh shit. I clear my throat and start talking, or babbling is more like it. 

"Umm, I hope you don't mind but I used your shower. I got called in and thought I could get a quick shower in before I headed out. I'm sorry if I woke you up, I tried to be as quiet as I could. I was going to leave you a note if you were still asleep when I got done, but, uhh, since you're awake, uhh, well... I should probably go, I told Elliot I'd be there in 30." Shut up Olivia, shut up! "So I should run." She just nods, not saying a thing I take a step towards her but see her eyes grow big so I stop. I'm now nervous and I feel awkward. I shove my hands into my pockets to keep from nervously wringing them and look away from Alex.

"I'll... I'll call you if we need a warrant, or you know," I say just before I book it out of her apartment. Once I reach the elevator and push the button to call it I take a moment to breath.

"Shit" I say to no one as I step into it. My happy mood from a little while ago is now gone, I'm officially in a very foul mood. Hell, screw that, I'm pissed. How the hell could I let this happen? Just because it seemed like she wanted this all last night I should have known better. I should have taken in slow, I should have dated her, I should have made sure she was sure this was what she wanted.

A half an hour ago I was waking up next to the woman of my dreams with the possibilities of it being the first of many times and now I'm certain it will never happen again. Part me of wishes that I won't have a single moment to call her because I just have no idea what I would say. Part of me is even pissed at her for letting this happen, it's an irrational anger but it's there nonetheless and I let it reside within me because anger is a much easier emotion than the other one threatening me. If I don't focus on the anger I'll feel the hurt that hit me like a bullet when I saw her clutch her sheet to cover herself. So I force myself to focus on the anger. By the time I arrive at the scene I'm stewing in anger. When Elliot starts to tease me about my attire and mentions something about "the walk of shame" I lose it.

"Shut the hell up!" I yell. "For just a minute, just one fucking minute, can you just shut up and not be an ass? Is my personal life really all that interesting that it takes precedence to a fucking crime scene? I don't know about you but I'm here to work a crime scene not pry into YOUR life so maybe you could do the same thing and leave me the fuck alone!" I storm off into the building leaving a stunned Elliot and a few crime scene techs out on the sidewalk.

I step inside the scene and take a deep breath. I was wrong to lash out at Elliot, I know that but when he mentioned the walk of shame I lost it. Probably because he was right, I had done the walk of shame and the truth hurts. But that didn't make it right for me to yell at Elliot when he truly meant no harm. 

I look at him as he steps into the room, "Elliot..."

"Let's just work," he says as he walks past me.

"Fuck," I mutter as I follow him into the gruesome scene. 

At least I can focus on the crime scene and not my emotions, or so I'd hoped. My head knows I need to be present at the scene, and I try, but it's nearly impossible as my mind keeps traveling back to this morning and the feelings of hurt and anger from before. I never should have let it go as far as it did last night. I'm angry at myself for giving in to the temptation of a night with her. I'm angry at her for giving me a taste of heaven and with one look taking it away. I'm angry that I let my emotions get the best of me and that I took it out on Elliot. And I'm angry that I can't for the life of me focus on the Goddamn crime scene.

It's an hour before Elliot and I finish at the crime scene and head back to the precinct. He drove a cruiser to the scene so we share the ride back. The ride is silent. It's me who finally breaks the silence.

"Elliot, I'm sorry." I glance over at him but he keeps his eyes trained on the road.

"Liv, you know I would never mean to pry into your life. It was a stupid, bad joke. I didn't mean anything by it."

I sigh, he's apologizing to me when it should be the other way around. "I know you didn't mean anything by it and normally, I'd just laugh along it... It just came at a sore time."

"I'm afraid to ask but do you want to talk about it?" He asks.

Yes. "No." I turn to stare out the window. I so desperately want to talk about it but I don't know how Elliot would take it all.

"Well, you know I'm always here if you need."

"I slept with Alex last night," I blurt out. Shit.

Elliot looks over his shoulder then pulls the car out of traffic and into an illegal spot against the curb. He turns in his seat and simply looks at me saying nothing, allowing me to continue on my time.

I sigh, "I went out to a bar last night, I needed to... well I just needed to get out of the apartment." I opt to keep the more personal reasons of my choice to go out last night to myself. "I saw her there and well to make a long story a bit shorter, she took me home with her. That's where I was when you called me. Anyway, just before I left she woke up and well, I get the feeling that she was surprised and perhaps not thrilled to see me there. I fucked up Elliot. I mean she's been my dream woman for as long as I can remember and now the reality of it is that she most definitely does not feel the same way. And now, not only do I have to deal with that rejection, with the knowledge of what it's like to be with her but never get to have that again, I also I have to continue working with her. I mean what if I screwed up the relationship she has with us, she's our ADA and I screwed that up for us." I sigh and stare at the dashboard I can't look at him, I can't bear to see the hatred he must have for me for screwing everything just just for my own stupid wants and needs. "I'm so sorry," I say to him. But not just for him alone, to the squad, to Alex, to myself.

"I didn't know.... About you or about Alex," he says without judgement in his voice.

"Oh, she's not.... I am, but she's not."

"Oh," I hear the understanding of the situation in his voice. "I doubt Alex would treat the squad different just because of last night, I mean she was there too and she made her choice so she can't blame you. And like I said, I doubt she would treat us different because of that. I know it's hard now, but things will settle. You're feeling everything right now and it just happened so it's all that much more intense right now. If things don't settle, you'll just have to talk to her. You're both adults and you can both talk this out so things are at least workable if it's that bad. Give yourself a little time to sort it all out. I'm sorry your feelings weren't reciprocated, there's nothing I can do to make that change, but I can promise that I'm always here if you need to talk. No judgment. Ever."

We sit in silence for a few minutes, each of us caught up in our own thoughts. Elliot eventually puts the car into drive and pulls back into traffic. We're nearly back at the station when I finally whisper a quiet thanks to Elliot. Talking has helped me enough to be able to focus on our case. For now thoughts of Alex and last night are pushed to the side. I'll have to figure out what I'm going do about it all later.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The repercussions of a drunken night of fun with a co-worker....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who were expecting and or hoping for a fluff piece, fair warning, this is not. But if you bear with me, I hope you'll enjoy the story regardless. :) Also, I definitely want to be one of those people who can update daily but sadly fanfiction will not pay the bills. :( But I'll try not to let too long go by between updates. As always, I'd love to know I'm not boring you all or sucking too much ;)

Chapter 6

Alex's POV

"Hey Tiny Dancer, to what do I owe this rather unexpected call? Shouldn't you be doing the naked tango about now?" Melanie's overly joyful voice in my ear as she picks up my call makes me want to hang up on her but I know what she's thinking. She's assuming I'm calling to gush about rainbow and unicorns now that I've had a woman.

"Melanie," I grind out through a clenched jaw. Years of practice has Melanie's ears picking up my tone.

"Alright," she sighs, "I'm making coffee, hold on." I hear the coffee grinder and wait patiently for her to give me go ahead. "Okay, I'm good. So?"

"What the hell happened last night? How much alcohol did you give me? I slept with a co-worker last night. A FEMALE co-worker."

"Okay and you're clearly freaked out about it. Which part freaks you out the most? The co-worker part or the female part?"

"Both! It's a co-worker so that's not good at all, and it's a woman. A woman! I'm not gay."

"If you were, would that be a bad thing?"

"That's irrelevant since I'm not."

"Okay, okay. So you're not gay but you slept with a woman last night. So what? Does it really warrant this amount of energy you're putting into it? Why can't you just chalk it up as a night of fun? You did have fun didn't you?"

"Evidently I did. What I remember seems to allude to the fact that I did."

"Okay so it was a night of fun. That's that. Not worth freaking out about right?"

"Right. I guess. But I still have to work with her."

"So?"

"Um, remember Porter?"

"Asshole freshman sophomore year Porter?"

"Yeah. Remember what happened, why we broke up?"

"Yeah, you guys went away for a weekend and you let yourself get a little wild in bed with him. And when you guys came back he was a complete dick. He got drunk and then started sharing all your weekend secrets to his buddies. Told them about your propensity towards dirty talk when you allow yourself and a few more intimate details that I never needed to know. He completely humiliated you, so I slept with all his girlfriends post-you and talked about THAT with all his buddies. Oh good times..."

I can't help but chuckle at that. I try not to be petty and to succumb to revenge. However, in my defense, I didn't plan that revenge. Melanie did. And though I feel that revenge is childish, I couldn't help but feel a wave of vengeful happiness every time Melanie would walk up to him when he was with his friends and inform him of the number of orgasms she had given his current girlfriend the night before. But that was then and we're adults now.

"Last night I lost control like that weekend. I mean I didn't DO anything risque, well aside from sleeping with a woman, but I lost that filter I tend to keep on my mouth when in bed. And now I have to work with this woman who's seen that side of me. What if she says something about it? What if she acts like Porter?"

"Do you really think she would Alex?"

"Of course not, but...."

"Then it's a moot point." She's right, I know she is but that won't stop the fear from sneaking into my thoughts.

"Yeah... Anyway, I don't want to keep you and I should probably open a file or two today..."

"Yeah, me too. Listen Al, I love you. Everything will be fine. Call me if you need me okay?"

"I love you too Mel, bye."

And with that I hang up feeling partially better than before though certainly not at peace about it all. I eye my briefcase by the door and sigh as I push myself from the couch to grab it. Carrying it back to the couch I take a small pleasure in knowing that work will help take my mind off the events of last night and this morning. I pull out a large stack of files and start with the top one. I grab my glasses from their case and a pen and get to work. 

I'm not sure how many hours have gone by since I started in on my files but I notice the fading light in my apartment as I finally lift my head up to check the clock on the cable box. The clock reads 7:49PM and I can't help but wonder where on earth the day went. My stomach takes the opportunity to alert me to the fact that I have eaten nothing all day long. Suddenly I'm famished. I consider my options though since my cupboards are basically bare, my options are take out or delivery. Delivery usually takes thirty to forty-five minutes and I'm not sure I can handle waiting that long so I resign myself to going out. Grabbing a pair of sneakers I decide the Thai place down the street is perfect, they're fast and the food's great.

The walk to the restaurant only takes a few minutes as I step into the restaurant and head in the direction of the counter for a take-out order I notice a figure with their back to me. In twenty four hours in a city of millions I happen to be in the same place at the same time again as Olivia. I briefly consider turning around and leaving before she can see me, I don't know if I can talk to her right now. Even though I know she wouldn't have any idea if I were to leave without saying anything, decades of deeply ingrained manners won't allow me to do so. So I step into the line behind her and wait for her to finish and turn around.

Olivia's POV

It has been a long day that has taken us all over the city. After a few hours of tracking down leads and information Elliot and I headed back out to follow up with some possible leads. Most of the day has been pretty normal. After my little show at the crime scene and my talk with Elliot I'd been able to keep my mind mostly on the task at hand. That was until our last interview of the day which took us to Alex's neighborhood. I hate that I now know where she lives, it's just more salt in my wound for today. Somehow I manage to push it from my mind long enough to make it through the interview. Once Elliot and I finish we both decide there's nothing left for us to do and so we decide to pack it in for the day. He offers to five me a ride home but I decline, I'm ready to lick my wounds alone. 

I decide to walk for a bit before the smell of food hits my nose and I realize it's been a very long day sustained mainly on coffee and the one stale bagel from earlier today. I decide to stop in and get something to go then I can grab a cab home. I step in and grab a menu. It's standard Thai fare so I order my usual, chicken Pad Thai. After paying I step to the side and out of the way to wait for the "few" minutes they claim it will be. That's when I see her and for just a moment my stomach drops and I feel slightly nauseous. It's Alex who breaks the moment.

"Hello Olivia." Her tone is serious and formal. I can't help the twinge of sadness that runs through me at the sound of her voice.

"Hi," I respond wishing I had something more to say but unfortunately I don't know what to say.

"How's the case?" Good, work, I can talk work.

"It's coming along. We've been following leads and checking alibis basically all day long. Elliot and I were in the area following a lead and now we're sort of at a stand still, so we decided to call it a night. I was walking by this place so I decided to grab something to take home." Okay maybe I can't really talk about work, there's not much to tell her and now I'm just filling time.

"I see," she says. 

Just then I hear the guy at the take-out counter call me for my food. I'm impossibly thrilled that it didn't take long while at the same time I'm saddened by that fact. There was a time, yesterday, when I would have given anything to stand in the presence of Alex, just to enjoy her company and now it's just so awkward, I need to not be here. I step over and grab my takeout bag.

"Well, I guess... I'll see you. Have a good night Alex."

"Good night Olivia." 

And with that, for the second time today I find myself running away from Alex as fast as I can without actually running. I step outside and take a deep breath. My free hand runs through my hair out of frustration and I shake head at the situation as I flag down a cab. It's about a fifteen minute ride to my apartment, fifteen minutes that I use to berate myself. Not only have I created an impossible situation, I'm too awkward to even attempt to smooth it out. I know Elliot said I need to give it time but right now I feel like it's never going to get better. By the time I arrive at my apartment I'm completely miserable and not even slightly hungry so I pick at my luke warm food before giving up and placing it in the fridge. I head to the bedroom, plug my phone in beside the bed and strip out of my clothes, they aren't helping my mood. Even though it's just barely nine o'clock I climb into my bed anyway. I'm exhausted from a combination of very little sleep last night, full day of leads and running around the city and of course the mental exhaustion brought on by last night's actions. I close my eyes and am asleep instantly.

Alex's POV

I wake up breathing heavy, my inner muscles clenching and quivering as an orgasm pulses through my body. When my heart rate slows and my body comes back down to me I can't help but wonder what the hell? After running into Olivia I'd headed home and forced down some food eventually abandoning it as I found I was poking at it more than eating it. I'd taken a shower and then settled into bed. Sleep had come quickly tonight, for which I was glad, I didn't want to fight with my thoughts tonight. 

I'd dreamt I was on a vacation somewhere tropical. I'd been laying out, tanning I presume when a faceless stranger had appeared. The stranger began rubbing circles on my stomach before moving their hand up and down from the top of my bikini bottoms to the underside of my breast. I began to breath heavy as the stranger whispered into my ear, "You can't deny the feeling you get when I touch you." My breast is covered by their hand as they gently squeezed and rubbed whispering to me about not fighting the feelings. My breathing became labored as I felt their leg settled between mine to push against me. The stranger leans over me to kiss me as they push harder into me. It's when I notice the stranger isn't a stranger but rather I'm looking into the eyes of Olivia as the orgasm builds and I wake up.

Never in my life can I remember having a sex dream and the first time I have one it's with a woman, the woman who was in my bed last night. I refuse to think about what that might mean though I know it's can't mean much more than an awoken libido. I mean, I'm not gay so it's not like I'm having sex dreams about women for that reason, it must be because I've got left over hormones and that's how they seem to manifest. Just goes to show how long it's been since I've been with a man, my body is raging with hormones and yet it can't seem to remember what it's like to sleep with a man. I force myself to believe what I'm saying and roll back over hoping I can fall back asleep and perhaps have a dreamless sleep.

When my alarm goes off at 5:45 I wake up with a small prayer of thanks for the few hours of dreamless sleep. I get up, shower and get dressed for the day. I pick up some coffee on the way into the office, arriving by 7. I know it will be a few hours before the office is truly up and active and should I be needed today it will likely be a while before the requests for warrants start coming in. My assumption is right, it's not until 1:30 in the afternoon when my phone finally rings.

"Alexandra Cabot," I answer.

"Alex it's Cragen, can you come down and watch a suspect interview?" 

"Sure Don," I look at my watch, "I'll be over in about fifteen minutes." I hang up and pack a few things into my briefcase that I might need and head over to the 1-6.

I can't help but hope as I arrive at the precinct that it will be Olivia interviewing the suspect so my conversation with her will be as limited as possible. Nope, no such luck. As a walk into the bullpen I see Olivia and Elliot sitting at their respective desks.

"Detectives," I say as I announce myself. "Where am I heading?" Olivia nods towards interview room one and stands to follow as I head to the observation room. In the observation room I see Munch and Fin working a suspect. I try to focus solely on that but I feel Olivia standing behind me and it's hard to ignore her presence. I ask the room to fill me in and it's Olivia who answers.

"We picked him up after his DNA hit from fluids left at the scene. He's been claiming it wasn't him and he keeps telling us that he was there but he didn't kill the victim. He's been claiming he was forced there with a group he'd been a part of, denies knowing what they had planned. Says he'll give us a name of the leader if we cut him a deal but I'm sure he's just trying to point us elsewhere because he knows we've got him on rape and murder."

"Let's not try to make too many assumptions Detective. Are there signs of others at the scene?"

"Warner is still sifting through everything, though she says there's slight possibility he wasn't alone but I really don't think it's worth a deal, I mean we have his DNA at the scene, his prints, all signs lead to him."

"If there's a bigger fish, I want it. Offer him 25 instead of life for a name."

"Alex, we have everything on him. His DNA is all over the vic. He brutalized her and then only after she had been tortured for hours did he finally kill her and put her out of her misery. We can get true justice for her. He's just making up a second person to get out of life."

"Detective, if there is another person behind this crime, someone we could stop from repeating, I want that person. 25 years is just as much justice if we get two people instead of just one. Make the deal and get me a name." With that I head back to the office, not waiting to hear anymore arguments, not wanting to be there any longer than necessary.

Olivia's POV

Moments after Alex leaves, Fin and Munch enter the observation room.

"So what's the plan," Fin asks.

"We offer him 25 years for a name," I spit out.

"What? He's lying to us, there is no name. All that does is make us look like suckers," Fin responds.

"I know."

"Well what the hell? Since when does Cabot take the word of a perp over ours?"

I sigh, "I don't know, just... just give him the offer," I say as I walk walk out, back to my desk. I'm pissed that Alex believes some murdering slime and is willing to make us look like fools by playing into his claim. Why on earth would she do that to us? I briefly wonder if she's doing it to get back at me. My head says no, but my heart, the part of me that's been hurting since yesterday thinks that anything is possible. When Munch and Fin come back from the interrogation room with a name Elliot and I start researching into the name. We quickly realize we've been played, just as we suspected. Our second "perp" has been in a coma for two and a half years. Munch and Fin head back to the interrogation room and Elliot follows heading to the observation room. I opt out, I have something I need to take care of I tell them before I grab my jacket and head out.

It's only about ten minutes before I find myself standing outside Alex's door. I've told her secretary that I do not need to be announced and ignore her as she makes a feeble attempt to stop me from entering Alex's office.

"What the hell Alex??" I storm in without knocking. Alex looks up from her files.

"Excuse me?" she says as she raises a sculpted eyebrow at me. "Did I miss the memo stating that barging into one's office is now the accepted form of social politeness?" 

"Screw that. You let us get played. We told you he acted alone, but you forced us to look like a bunch of idiots, giving him what he wanted. His "partner" has been in a coma for two and a half years and now not only are we his own personal joke, we've wasted time. And it's YOUR fault!" I'm in full tirade mode now helpless to stop the next words out of my mouth. "Since when do you not believe us? If this is some sort of stupid retribution because of what happened between you and I..."

"Get out." The words are so quiet I barely catch them but they're spoken with such vehemence that they're impossible not to hear.

"What?"

"I said get out Detective." She stands up behind her desk and folds her arms over her chest.

"No, we need to talk about this, this cannot happen just because you're pissed at me."

"How dare you? First off, if you think that I opted to make a deal with a perp just to get back with you then you're just... just, ugh, you're insane if you think I'd jeopardize a case just because I lost control and slept with you. Do you think you're that special? I truly believed we could have taken someone else off the streets, it had NOTHNG to do with you. Secondly, don't you dare, ever, insinuate again that I would stoop so low as to hang a co-worker out to dry simply for revenge. Now if you're through degrading my work ethic, it's time for you to leave." She walks around her desk and opens her door staring at me with cold eyes waiting for me to leave. She's right, I was acting insane. I know better than to assume she would behave like that. I pull my hand through my hair, embarrassed at my anger.

"Alex..." I want to apologize to her but she won't let me.

"Goodbye Detective."

My shoulders fall of their own accord as I give in and walk to the door. I leave without saying anything else and head back to the precinct.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner with Melanie and some deep thinking for Alex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was tough to get this one from concept to story. I've never had to wrestle with the idea of being gay, when it occurred to me that I might be my first thought was something like: Oh, okay I guess I better look into this. Alex's struggles are hard for me to comprehend but I know that I'm lucky and that most people struggle at least a little if not a lot when it comes to sexuality. So this one took me longer in an effort to keep it "real" feeling. I hope my inexperience in this sort of thought process didn't put anyone off. Please let me know what you think. Enjoy! (I hope)

Chapter 7

Alex's POV

It's been a little over a week since Olivia and I had it out in my office and I've seen her face to face only a few times. Requests for warrants have been over the phone and when it was necessary to get them in person it was never Olivia knocking on my door. In fact I only saw her three times, once during a line-up against the guy from last week, once for trial prep and once in court for his trial for which he did end up getting life. Though it was still a sensitive subject that he's managed to play us into running down a fake accomplice. 

It was best that I hadn't seen Olivia in a while, I'd been even moodier than usual. It didn't help that I was having on and off dreams about her which made me on edge about everything. Not only was I waking up most of my mornings sexually wired from my dreams but I was also frustrated with myself for having those dreams and for being affected by them. I'd wake up wound tighter than a spring but unwilling to take care of my "problem". The thing is, I fell into that trap once, last week when I woke up I was so wound up I decided to take matters into my own hands. It was a fine way to start the day but the real problem with that was the feelings I fought all day long that day. Guilt and shame topped the list. Guilt for allowing my mind to use Olivia as a catalyst followed quickly by shame for being aroused by something that was so not naturally me. I called Melanie that night.

"Alex, so you got aroused by your dream. It's not the worst thing in the world."

"But it doesn't make sense, I'm not gay. I was engaged once. I've only ever been with men, well except... you know."

"It doesn't always have to make sense Al."

"It does to me."

My week continued with about ninety percent of my mornings starting out with me waking to another one of "those" dreams. I was constantly frustrated. Frustrated with my mind for using Olivia as a catalyst, frustrated at my inability to control my dreams and truthfully, I was sexually frustrated from waking up every morning on edge. Consequently I was earning my title "Ice Queen" everywhere I went. The only person who seemed to escape my wrath was Olivia and that was only because I basically never saw her and the few times that I did see her I focused entirely on work in an effort to ignore the elephant in the room. Everyone else, however, was fair game. By the end of the week I was surprised that I wasn't on most of the general population's hit list. 

Melanie came over to have dinner with me claiming she'd "chance dinner in the belly of the beast". We've been friends for so long that even my worst moods don't scare her, she's seen them all. Her solution to my anger is generally to make jokes, bad ones, and laugh, usually at my expense so tonight when she arrived she was in top form.

"I come bearing food to sooth the savage beast," she says as she walks into my apartment directly to the kitchen. My apartment is like a second home to her so she needs no direction about where to go or what to do. As she begins laying out take-out containers on the kitchen bar she continues her supposed jokes. "Also, you should know that I've told people I was coming here tonight. They expect to hear from me tomorrow."

"You're hilarious tonight," I spit out sarcastically. "Am I paying for this dinner and show because if so I want my money back." I stare at her with my courtroom stare which of course doesn't phase her at all.

"Oh please, ALEXANDRA, the stare? Really? You should know by now that your silly little stare does nothing to me."

"That's because you're always too drunk to realize how deadly it can be."

"Not now I'm not. Yet. The night is young my dear, for us both."

"If you think I'm stupid enough to let you get me drunk again... That's how I got into this whole entire mess to begin with."

"Rest assured Alex, tonight may end up with you drunk, but I promise you, I sure as hell ain't sleeping with you. You're straightness shall remain intact."

I groan out a sigh as I pinch the bridge of my nose and remind myself that I love Melanie, I love Melanie, I love Melanie. "Give me a damn drink, clearly I'm going to need it to deal with you tonight."

"Temper temper Ms. Cabot. How would your society ball gowns react if they heard you being so rude to a guest of yours," she says as she hands me a shot.

"You're not a guest," I tell her as I raise my glass to my lips. "You're more like a disease I can't get rid of," I mutter as I take the shot.

"Oh, Alex, I'm hurt. If I thought you actually meant that I'd leave." Once she's taken her shot she begins roaming through the kitchen getting plates and forks and glasses. She sets the glass and fork in front of me and begins piling food onto my plate. Once she's done she sets it in front of me and fills my glass with beer. Once she's done the same for herself she sits down next me. Before she digs into her food she looks at me seriously. "I love you Alex, we'll get it all figured out, I promise."

"I love you too Melanie. Thanks for being immune to my bitch."

She barks out a laugh and says, "Thanks for only ever threatening to kill me and not actually doing so," before taking a bite of her food and instructing me to eat.

We eat amicably talking about work and other "safe" subjects as I once again avoid the elephant in my life. I know she will make me talk about it but I hope that I can stall it until we are at least done with dinner. Once we're done eating I clean the dishes while Melanie packs up the leftovers from dinner and places them in my fridge. We grab two more beers forgoing the glasses this time as I've already turned on the dishwasher and Melanie knows how much I hate have dishes in the sink, even two glasses. We settle onto the couch in the living room and Melanie only gives me a moment before pinning me with HER stare and saying, "Alright, so let's talk."

The moment I knew I couldn't put off has arrived. I sigh and start talking.

"I just don't know why I'm having these dreams. I don't know why I can't stop them."

"Well, you know what they say about one's unconscious," Melanie answers.

"No, I refuse to believe that deep down my unconscious wants women. It doesn't work that way."

"What doesn't work what way?"

"A person doesn't just wake up one day gay. You either are or you aren't."

"What? That's ridiculous Alex and you know it. I'd say more than half the people who are attracted to the same sex started out with the opposite sex. There are only a few people like me who never were attracted to the opposite sex. Some people live half their lives being attracted to the opposite sex then meet someone who changes that for them. But who cares about that. We can argue being gay another time. What I think we should really be talking about is why it matters to you so much."

"It doesn't matter..."

"I beg to differ Alex. These dreams have you wound so tight I'm afraid I'm going to get a call from you from jail asking me to bail you out because the barista screwed up your latte and you went postal. And need I point out your very hands-off approach to your unit this week? It's affecting your work and you NEVER let things affect your work. Clearly it does matter."

"It just doesn't make sense to me. I'm not gay, I like men, not women. I don't want to like women."

"Maybe you don't like women. Maybe you like one woman. Didn't you say that your dreams were only about Olivia? Maybe it's just her."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better or worse because I think it's making it worse."

"It's not supposed to make you feel better or worse, just a possibility that I'm pointing out." Melanie stops for a moment and just stares at me, as though she's mapping out her next set of thoughts. "Alex, would it be the worst thing in the world if you were attracted to women?"

"I can't be attracted to women," I say as I shake my head.

"I hate to break it to you sweetie but I think you are, to one in particular at least. I promise you it isn't the worst thing ever. It's been a pretty good ride for me," she adds in an effort to make me laugh. She gets a smile out of me.

"It's different for you Mel."

"How so?"

"Being gay is easy for you. You're already gay to the world. You don't have to reinvent yourself as the now Gay Melanie. And you certainly don't have to completely reinvent your own mind frame about attractions. Your career won't be hindered by a lesbian relationship rather the connections you've made through various LGBT legal groups has only served to help your career. My career is pushed forward through my name and the very traditional values that people associate with it. It'd be like you suddenly coming out as straight."

"Gross," she says making us both laugh. Melanie's distaste for men and their body parts has been a long-standing joke between us. In college I would tell her about my nights with men and she'd run screaming from the room leaving me in hysterics. These days I'm fairly sure she's mature enough to talk about a night with men without running from the room, but I could be wrong about that.

"Okay Al, this is going to be the last thing I say about this for now. You may not be attracted to women, and you may not want to be attracted to one in particular, but you might just be. That's something you're just going to have to face and how you deal with it is your business but I'll always be here for you. Always. And so that's that for tonight... Oh no wait, one other thing, you need to talk to Olivia because you need to be able to work with her without screaming at her or avoiding her at all costs. So there, two things, talk to Olivia so you can work together and I'm always here for you. Yup that about sums it up." And with that I know we're done talking about all this tonight. Melanie only stays a little while longer claiming that while I'm sitting around denying myself any sexual pleasure she's far too hedonistic for that and therefore must go out and find the next notch for her belt. And just like that she's gone leaving me to contemplate the evening.

I change into my sleepwear and climb into bed. I've brought a few files with me into the bedroom, it's one of my nasty habits. I know work shouldn't be done in bed but what else am I going to do here? I choose a relaxing playlist off my iPod and hit the sleep button two times on the stereo dock giving myself an hour to look over files. I barely make it through one file before my mind starts to wander back to what Melanie told me earlier. I know she's right. I need to talk to Olivia and it would seem that she's right that I may not be attracted to women but I apparently am attracted to at least one and I do need to figure out how I'm going to handle that. For a brief moment I wonder what it would be like to just let go of everything that scares me, everything that holds me back. What if I just WASN'T Alexandra Jacqueline Cabot, Assistant District Attorney with sights on the DA's chair. What if I wasn't born into the lineage of society's blue bloods? What if every decision I made wasn't under constant scrutiny from colleagues, mentors and my family? What would it be like to be just Alex. I want that. I want to feel as though parts of my life are actually my own choices. I really need to talk to Olivia. 

I pick up my phone off the bedside table. I look at the time, ten thirty on a Friday night. That's not too late right? What am I even going to say to her? What if she's mad at me for calling at such a late hour? What if it's a bad idea to talk to her? What if I should just let it die out and ignore it all? What if I make it worse? Oh hell, I start to scroll through my phone until I find her number. My finger hovers over the number as fear slows down my decision. I opt instead, to send a text message.

We really need to talk. Are you free? --Alex

I reread the message at least ten times before I finally tap "send" and breath out a deep sigh, of either relief or to steady my nerves as I wait for a response.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Olivia finally talk.

Chapter 8

 

Olivia's POV

It's been a week, no, two weeks? A month? Truthfully I'm not sure, avoiding Alex tends to mess up one's grasp on time. I know it feels like it's been a million weeks but I also know that's not true. I never realized how much I saw of Alex until I had to purposefully not see her. I'm not sure I've spent so much time finding interesting things to stare at on my desk ever. Every time we needed a warrant and the captain searched the room for someone to volunteer I instantly found my files fascinating. I basically did whatever possible to keep from being called upon if it involved Alex. There were those few times where I had no choice but to see her. The line-up was easy enough, "counselor" "detective" an identification and she was gone again. Trial prep was harder because we had to say more than one word to each other but some how we both put on our "let's get this over with" hats and managed to make it through as quickly and painlessly as possible. Of course in order to do that we had to completely ignore everything that had happened earlier that week, but sweeping under the rug seemed easy enough as we both silently agreed to do so. Court wasn't too bad either because we were in public and we were both far too professional to let our personal problems show up on the stand.

I've spent my days pouring myself into work, if I wasn't focused on it then it never happened, right? At night it was harder to deny. At night when I close my eyes I'd see Alex. In the quiet of the night I could hear her. Sometimes I was sure I'd smell that mix of baby powder and Alex. It was like sweet torture the memories of what I had were beautiful, the torture of knowing I would never have that again was, well, torture. Working was the only way to distract myself so I spent even more time at the precinct than before, which seems impossible. That's where I was when my phone buzzed alive. I'd been so engrossed in work that the phone jumping to life startled me, but what started me more was what was flashed across the screen. I had a text message from Alex. If after a week or so of silence between the two of us wasn't enough of a shock the message itself was a real doozy. 

We really need to talk. Are you free? --Alex

For a moment my heart stops. She wants to talk? Now? About what? Well, I mean, I know what about, or least I'm sure I know what she wants to talk about but she wants to do it now? I don't know if I want to hear her say she wants nothing to do with me. I think knowing without hearing it is hard enough. Her telling me that she wants nothing to do with me might break me. I don't know if I can do this now. I consider not answering, I can claim I finally got a chance to go to sleep before one am. I think about lying, telling her I'm at a scene but then I know she'd know that was a lie eventually when she hears nothing about the supposed case I'd be working. Maybe I can be out on a date. Who am I kidding, she'd see right through that too. I swipe my thumb across the phone and am taken to the text messaging screen. I read and reread the message over and over wondering what to respond. I want to lie so I can avoid this all but I can't lie to Alex, I'll never be able to lie to her.

I'm at the precinct working on 5s. Planning to head home soon. Should I call once I'm home?

I hit send and try to focus on the DD5 staring at me but my eyes keep peering over to my phone as though it won't buzz when I get a response. Though I don't want to see the response, whatever it might be, I'm still willing it to light up. Perhaps I'm hoping to see something like, "I changed my mind, let's go back to ignoring everything" though I doubt that will flash across my screen anytime soon. After a few more minutes of waiting my screen finally lights up.

I'd prefer to talk in person.

Tonight? I send back.

If possible, yes.

She wants to talk tonight? I don't know that I want to talk tonight but then again I'm fairly sure I won't have a time when I really want to talk about this. Perhaps it's best to just get this over with. The sooner it's over the sooner I can start attempting to be okay with it all.

Sure, I can be there in about 20-30 minutes.

As I'm packing up my stuff and heading out my phone lights up one more time.

That's fine. See you then.

Alex's POV

"You did what?" I hear Melanie's voice shouting into my ear. I'm not sure if she's shouting because it's loud where she is or she's upset with me. "What part of our conversation did you interpret as talk to her tonight after, what, an hour of thinking? Have you even had a chance to think about what you want or what you intend on saying? Have you thought this through Alex?"

I can't answer her. I don't have the answers she wants, at least not right now I don't. She interprets my silence as the answer that it is. "Listen, get off the phone and use the few minutes you have to attempt to put your thoughts together. Try to be honest with yourself about it all and hopefully you'll be honest with her. I don't know what else to say Al, just, good luck I guess." And with that she hangs up leaving me to contemplate whatever I can in the next while until Olivia shows up.

I take the time I have to change out of my sleepwear and into a pair of jeans and a simple v-neck tee. I waste more time by roaming through my apartment cleaning what little there is to clean. Once I've done everything I can to waste time I sit on the couch and wait. I'm not sure I've ever been this nervous before. I decide to make myself a drink. Tonight will not be one of those nights like the last time I was drinking in the presence of Olivia but I do need a little something to sip on and help take the edge off. I grab a tumbler out of the cupboard and drop a few ice cubes in and pour a few fingers of scotch over the ice. I swirl the liquid around in the cup as I walk back to the living room grabbing the phone as I walk by. I sit down and take a long sip of the amber liquid and let it burn down my throat. I dial downstairs to let the evening doorman know to let Olivia up I'm nervous enough, I don't need those last few minutes it would take to let her up and for her to get here because those extra minutes would possibly push me over the edge. With that done I have nothing left to do but wait. Again. The silence begins to get to me so I opt to turn on the living room stereo. A few flicks on the remote and I'm playing a classical playlist in the hopes that maybe the soothing music will help calm my nerves. If it does I don't have time to notice because shortly after the music starts playing there's a knock at my door. I take another long sip of my drink before sighing and tentatively making my way to the door. When I reach the door, I know I have no choice but to open it. I take a deep breath to steady myself. I quickly peek through the peephole to confirm it's Olivia and once that's confirmed I turn the knob and pull the door open.

Once the door is open and no longer standing between us we both take a moment to look each other over. I feel a bit like a fighter sizing up my contender though as I look closer at her I see the fatigue and strain in her eyes along with a shadow of fear. I don't know if it's because she's here to talk or if she's just that tired but she isn't holding herself like she usually does. Her shoulders are sagged just enough that a stranger in the street wouldn't notice but someone who knows Olivia would. For the first time since our argument I realize that it's possible this situation hasn't been easy for her either. That while she's not struggling with her idea of her own sexuality, she too, is still fighting her own battles. For the first time since our argument, I don't see her as something that is causing me anguish or confusion but instead I see her as the friend she was before we slept together. And as her friend, I can see that she needs her friend Alex tonight. We still need to talk, I can't fool myself into thinking I can get out of that but right now Olivia needs warmth not the analytical to the point Alex I'd thought I'd be. Neither of us have moved yet so I grab her by the arm and pull her into my apartment.

"Come inside, you look exhausted," I tell her as I nearly drag her into my apartment. As I shut and lock the door I hear her mutter a quiet somewhat resentful, "Gee thanks."

"I'm sorry Olivia, I didn't mean that the way it came out. Do you want me to hang up your jacket?"

"Sure," she says as she hands me her jacket. I turn to hang it up and when I turn back she hasn't moved from her spot. I walk past her hoping she'll take the hint to come with me and she does. I lead her towards the kitchen as I speak over my shoulder to her.

"Can I get you something to drink? Have you eaten at all today? And don't lie to me Olivia." I turn to her when I don't hear an answer. She's just looking at me with tired eyes.

"Alex can we just get this over with? Just tell me you want me to leave you alone unless it's work related and let me go home," she says to me before casting her eyes to the floor. As Olivia's friend, my heart breaks for her. While I'm still not one hundred percent sure of what I want to say to her I know it's that I don't want to have just a working relationship with her. I'd miss my friend Olivia too much.

I sigh, "Olivia, I didn't ask you here to tell you to get out of my life. I... Look, please come all the way inside and let me fix you some food." I can see she's about to protest so I cut her off with my hand and continue, "I have leftovers from tonight that I can warm up it's no problem at all and you can eat and then we can talk ok?" She remains silent and unmoving. "Please?" I ask her. Only then does she finally nod and walk to the other side of the kitchen bar where I'm standing and pulls out a stool and sits. I thank her before turning around to make her a plate of leftovers. Once the food is in the microwave being warmed up I turn to her again and ask what she'd like to drink.

"Oh I don't care, whatever you've got is fine." I refuse to let her be a passive player in tonight's evening.

"Well," I start, opening the fridge, "I've got beer, Diet Coke, bottled water, orange juice, tea, tomato juice, white wine." I close the fridge and turn to look at her before continuing. "Red wine, and I can list the contents of my liquor cabinet which is fully stocked and I will if you don't answer me." I finish my list by pinning her with my stare though I make sure it's not my courtroom stare but rather a stare that I hope will convey to her that I'm serious about listing my liquor cabinet.

"Okay, okay. A beer would be great." I give her a smile and a nod before grabbing her a beer, opening it and setting it down in front of her. Just then the microwave alerts me that it's finished so I grab the food from the microwave and a fork and set it in front of her. 

"I'm going to get my drink from the living room. Do not try to run away and unless that food is molten lava hot I expect to see that you're actually eating and not staring off into space," I tell her before walking to the living room. I take my time expecting that she might need a moment or two alone because I know I certainly do.

Olivia's POV

When Alex opened her apartment door to her apartment I nearly turned away and ran. It's not easy forgetting how beautiful Alex is but after a week of seeing her very rarely somehow I'd managed to push from my mind exactly how stunning she is. Surely if my feet hadn't been stuck to the floor I would have ran. Seeing her and knowing what is about to happen makes me want to throw up. Maybe this wasn't a good idea, maybe I should have lied about being free. 

We stand there staring at each other for a few minutes before she grabs my arm and pulls me into her apartment. After giving her my coat she starts asking me mundane questions about drinks and food. Why does she feel as though she needs to drag this out? I ask her if we can just get this over with, I don't want to be here any longer than possible and who knows how long I can keep my tough face on. She tells me that she didn't ask me here to tell me to get out of her life and I can't control the hope that maybe I was wrong about her plan for tonight. That thought only sticks for a very short moment before I bring myself back to reality, she would never want to BE with me. She offers me food but I don't want her to go out of her way for me. When she says please I give in. I could never deny her anything. Only once I'm seated at the bar across from her does she start to warm up her leftovers. When I give her a noncommittal answer about what I'd like to drink she lists everything in her fridge then threatens to list her liquor cabinet contents too. When she pins me with her stare I realize she really will list her liquor cabinet so I give in and ask for a beer. After I'm settled with a beer and food she warns me not to leave as she's going to get her drink from the living room.

I don't think I could leave if my life depended on it. For better or worse I need to be here, I need to hear what she has to tell me. I still don't believe that she won't tell me to leave her alone for good but I still can't leave. As I wait for her to come back I poke at the food on my plate. I still feel like throwing up, my nerves are running rampant. As I wait for the food to cool I can't help but think about the fact that this is the first time I've ever had a meal at Alex's. I can't help but think that this could have been our friendship, we could have been friends who do dinners together, who have girl's nights in but instead this is more like my last supper. I'm still poking my food when I hear her coming back to the kitchen. I quickly load my fork up with food and stuff it into my mouth as she walks by me to refill her drink. Once she's done she turns around and leans back on the counter sipping her drink and watching me. 

I wonder what she's thinking. When she looks at me does she see someone who has ruined her life by sleeping with her? Does she see someone she'll be forced to work with against her will? Does she want to get this over with as much as I do? I know she's being kind to me but I'm sure it's just her manners that require her to be so polite. 

God I want to believe her when she says she doesn't want to kick me out of her life but it's so hard to believe that could be true. There's only one way to find out is she meant it or not. I finish eating quickly hoping the talk is next. Before I can take my plate to the sink to clean it she grabs it and does it for me. Once the plate has been thoroughly cleaned, dried and placed back into her cupboard she looks at me.

"Let's talk in the living room. Would you like another beer?"

"Sure," I tell her. She grabs another beer from the fridge and hands it to me before walking towards her living room. I quietly follow behind her. She sits on one end of her couch and for a brief moment I have no idea where I should sit. Where is the appropriate place to sit when someone may be telling you bad news. She must see my dilemma because she looks towards the other end of the couch and asks me to sit. I walk over to the other side of the couch and sit, angling myself towards her. For a moment we both just stare at each other.

"Alex..."

"Olivia..." We both start at the same time.

"I'm sorry, go ahead," I tell her.

"Listen Olivia. I meant what I said when I told you I didn't ask you here to tell you to get out of my life. But we do need to talk. I'm not gay Olivia."

"I know, you told me," I tell her.

"Right, of course I did."

"Alex, if you want me to just forget anything ever happened I'll try. For you." I don't tell her that it might be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do or that it might break me to do so but if that what she wanted, I would sure as hell try for her.

"I don't know that's what I want. I don't really know what I want but I don't think either of us could just forget anything happened. I'm struggling Olivia. I'm not gay, I can't be gay, I don't like women like that. I've dated men my entire life, only ever been attracted to men but then you and I sleep together and..." She looks away from me seemingly not able to make eye contact with me. "And I keep having these dreams. And I don't want to have these dreams because I can't be gay."

All I can do is sit and listen to her. I don't have an answer for her, I can't tell her that she is or isn't gay. I can't tell her it's okay, that's not my place. So I just keep quiet and let her continue.

"My friend Melanie, she was at the bar that night, she thinks that while I'm not attracted to women in general, it's possible I could be attracted to one. You." When she says me my heart stops. I want her to say she's decided that's okay and let's live happily ever after but I know she won't. "And perhaps she's right, but I don't know that I can do anything about it. My life isn't simple enough that I can live it just for me. So even if Melanie was right and it was just you that I was attracted to, I don't know that I can just let that happen. I can't chance what might happen to me, to my career, with my family just because I find one woman attractive. But I also know I can't lose your friendship. I just don't know what to do about it all. I don't know how to handle all this."

"In a perfect world how would you want to handle it?"

"Does that really matter? It's not a perfect world and the choices I make affect me in THIS life. Would it be nice to even just have the option to try to figure it all out in reality not just in my thoughts? Sure, but it's not that simple."

"But it could be if you wanted it to," I say quietly. So quietly I'm not even sure she heard me.

"Olivia..." she starts, but before she can continue I cut her off.

"Sorry I didn't mean to say that out loud. I know it's not that simple."

"I really wish it was that easy but I can't spend my whole life as the epitome of a straight woman and then one day throw all that out the door because I might be attracted to another woman. What if I were to go through it all, chance my career, my family, everything and have it not be real at all? Just a figment of my hormones?" 

She looks at me with pleading eyes. I'm not sure if she's pleading for this all to go away or pleading for me to prove her wrong or what but I can't stop myself as scoot myself closer to her never breaking eye contact with her. I lean myself slowly into her space, giving her all the time she needs to move away from me and when she doesn't I press my lips against hers. She stiffens for just a moment before relaxing into the kiss. Only then do I pull back a few centimeters and wait until she opens her eyes. When she does I see a softness in them that I'm not sure I've ever seen. She closes them again and leans the few centimeters back to me and presses her lips to mine. She opens her mouth just slightly, not enough to fully deepen the kiss but enough to allow me to capture her bottom lip between mine. I gently put pressure on her lip with my own and though I wanted to let her control this kiss I can't help but run my tongue along her captured lip. She lets out a soft sigh and opens her mouth allowing my tongue access. I run my tongue across hers hoping that with my kiss she can feel how right this is. How real it is. Reluctantly I pull back and wait for her to open her eyes.

"That was real for me Alex. You can't tell me that wasn't real for you too."

"Olivia... I...."

I cut her off, not wanting her to say something just because she feels like she needs to fill the blank air. "I'm going to go Alex, I think I should give you some space to think without worrying about what you're going to say to me. We're on speaking terms again," I say with a smile, "we can talk more when you're ready." I get up from the couch and walk to the door without giving her time to answer. She follows me silently. I instruct her to lock the door after me and tell her goodnight. Only after I hear the locks turn do I walk down the hall towards the elevator.

Alex's POV

I'm not sure the talk went the way I planned. I didn't really have a plan but I'm fairly sure kissing her wasn't ever in any plan I had. But I did. Well she did, and then I kissed her back. I can't deny that when she kissed me my heart fluttered a little. And I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel right because it did. It felt right and it felt real. But that still doesn't mean I can just give in and be gay. I wish sexuality weren't such a political thing but it is and it's an issue that will affect every aspect of my life. But I still won't be able to deny how it felt to kiss Olivia. Damnit, what the hell am I going to do?


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our ladies do brunch. A little bit of fluff can go a long way.

Chapter 9

Alex's POV

Talking to Olivia must have done amazing things to my psyche because for the first time since we slept together I didn't dream about her last night. I didn't have a fitful sleep, I didn't wake up on the brink or upset with myself, for the first time since we slept together I just slept, peacefully. When I do finally wake up from my great night's sleep, I throw on some casual clothes and head out to the kitchen to make coffee. Today will consist of files, appeals, cases and any other super exciting thing I can come up with that has to do with work. Thus is a glimpse into a very exciting Saturday in the world of Alex Cabot. While the coffee is brewing I grab my files from my bedside table where I left them last night before Olivia came over. I head back to the kitchen and pour myself a cup of coffee and then set up at the kitchen table with my files. 

My mind isn't fully focused on work as it keeps wandering back to Olivia and last night. What if my life was simple enough that I could take chances with who I am? I can't even imagine a life like that. I've lived my life for so long with expectations from others that I don't know what I want for me anymore. Even my own expectations are born of someone else's plans for me. I envy Melanie in that sense. She has chosen a path for herself that she wanted not one that was chosen for her. My time in Witsec allowed me to make decisions for myself and my own life like that and it was great, possibly the one upside of being in Witsec, but when I came back I fell right back into my pattern of being a good Cabot and making the right decisions. But even if I could make a decision that wasn't scrutinized I don't know if I could make this one. This isn't like buying a new pair of shoes or changing the car you drive, this is a life. This is changing everything I know about myself and my life. I don't know that I know how to do that.

I suppose it would help to know how much of me needs to change if I knew what it was I wanted. Do I want to date a woman? No wait, the question really is: do I want to date a woman who happens to be Olivia? After last night's kiss I don't believe I can lie to myself and keep telling myself that there isn't something about Olivia that I'm attracted to. But I can't help but wonder what exactly it is about Olivia that causes my attraction to her. Is it because she's amazing at her job? Her dedication and passion for helping those who have been harmed is a powerful thing to bear witness to; it's hard to ignore. The strength that makes Olivia who she is can be intoxicating as well. Perhaps I'm in awe of that strength and maybe that's what I'm attracted to about her. Maybe I miss having friends and I'm attracted to the idea of having a true friendship with her. 

I suppose I can't lie and claim that the kiss didn't affect me in a way that is different than any other kiss I've ever experienced because it did. It wasn't like I was kissing someone as a prerequisite to something else or that they felt they had to kiss me to get something else. It was like the kiss was everything and I've never been kissed like that. It did feel real and dare I say right? It made me wish I could survive on that alone. It made me wish life could be as simple as a kiss that felt right. 

I can hear my mother's voice in my head, "If wishes were horses Alexandra..." and I'm shaken from my thoughts. There's no time for wishing on stars, that never got anyone anywhere. So I force my mind back to my files and back to reality. After a few hours I realize I've gone through one full pot of coffee and I've yet to eat. I head to the kitchen to see what there is to eat aside from leftovers which I don't feel like eating right now. Aside from beverages and last night's leftovers my fridge is barren and so I decide on a trip out for food. After changing into appropriate attire I head to the door to grab a jacket when I notice I have Olivia's jacket still. She must have left last night without it, neither of us were fully focused last night when she left so that makes sense. Without thinking I grab my phone out of my back pocket and send a text.

You left your jacket here, do you need it?

I'm still trying to figure out where I'm planning on grabbing some lunch from when my phone alerts me to a message.

No, not really. Would you be wiling to bring it to your office on Monday and I can swing by then to get it?

I wonder briefly if she would have told me if she did really need it. Doubtful, she's too selfless to do ask for anything just for herself. I know I see her in this jacket all the time, it must be one of her favorites and suddenly I want to go out of my way to return it to her. I have a feeling she'd do that for me.

Or better yet, have you had lunch yet? Join me for some lunch and I'll bring your jacket for you.

Olivia's POV

I realized as soon as I stepped onto the curb last night that I'd left my jacket in Alex's apartment but I was not going to go back, I put the ball in her court and come hell or high water I was going to leave it in her court. All I could hope was that she wouldn't spend weeks thinking. It's not that I don't have another jacket but I do really like that jacket. So when I get a text from her today I'm a bit surprised. I didn't expect to hear from her today even if it was for my jacket. I try not to get my hopes up about anything except that she's being her usual polite self, she probably hasn't even thought for a second about last night. I send her a quick text back.

No, not really. Would you be willing to bring it to your office on Monday and I can swing by then to get it?

I don't have to wait too long until my phone beeps again.

Or better yet, have you had lunch yet? Join me for some lunch and I'll bring your jacket for you.

What? I reread the text again to make sure I'm not making things up in my head. She wants to have lunch? I immediately reign in my imagination because the first thing it wants to do is imagine all the possibilities of what that could mean. Maybe she did think about us, maybe she wants to try, maybe she definitely does not want to, maybe... I force myself to think of anything else but the maybes. What's likely is that Alex really is that much of a hostess that she wants to make sure my jacket is returned to me in a timely manner. Surely that's really what lunch is about. I want to decline, tell her she doesn't have to do that, tell her I can get it Monday but my fingers have a different plan. They're typing even as I'm coming up with how to decline.

Okay. Where? How long?

Before I know it the message has been sent and I'm left staring at my phone wondering how that happened. I only take a moment before I realize I should probably make myself presentable and head to my bedroom to change. I'm tossing on a shirt to go with the jeans I'm wearing when I hear my phone.

Eggheads has a great brunch. I'll send you the address. 30 minutes?

Okay, see you shortly.

After I send my last text I finish getting myself ready and by the time I'm done Alex has sent me the address and I head out. I grab a cab and give the driver the address. As I sit back and ride through the city I can't help but feel a little nervous, I don't want to have expectations but who wouldn't? I don't quite know what I'm walking into. Is this going to be a friends only sort of lunch or are we going to talk or she going to give me bad news or good news? This is the worst part of all of this, not knowing. If I knew we were just friends I'd put her in that compartment in my mind, or least I would try, but right now I don't know anything and I can't compartmentalize my thoughts and emotions. 

Things with Alex have always been hard to begin with, try as I might I can't keep it clean with her. From the moment I first saw her I knew I was going to have trouble. Normally I prefer to keep things in the right boxes. Friends in this one, lovers in that one. It keeps things clean and simple. With Alex however it was never like that. I wanted to put her in one box but I couldn't. I knew she should go into the friend area but no matter how hard I tried, my mind kept pushing her into the lovers box which would have been great had we actually been lovers but we weren't. It was so hard to see her just as a friend when all I wanted was more. As we became closer and closer as co-workers and then as friends it was nearly impossible to keep from having Alex slip over into the lovers box, or the would-be lovers box more specifically. Now that I've slept with her it's torture pushing her back to the friends box. If that's all she ever wants though, I'll suffer because life without Alex hurts to even think about much less have to actually live through.

I'm broken from my thoughts by the cab driver as he tells me what I owe him for the ride. I pull out a few bills and hand them through the small hole in the glass and step out. I take a moment to take in the appearance of the restaurant. It looks like a hole in the wall diner and an old tavern had a baby. It looks charming but not quite what would have picked for a place that Alex might frequent. I shrug as I pull open the door and walk in. Inside is even more eclectic. There are pictures of characters from literature, pictures of famous writers, sheets from dictionaries are hanging on the walls alongside books and a cartoon egg that seems to pop up comically all over as though it is mocking the seriousness of the atmosphere. I tell the hostess I'm looking for a friend and am told that there's a woman waiting for a friend towards the back and I might want to start there. I nod and thank the woman as I head towards the back of the restaurant, my eyes scanning the tables. It doesn't take long before I notice her, Alex stands out wherever she is though not always just because of her looks. Alex has an air to her that no one else I've ever met has, it's a confidence that's unique to only Alex. I catch her eye and she smiles, a rare full smile that for a moment makes my heart stop. I feel myself smile back as a reflex to hers as I walk the remaining distance to her.

Alex's POV

It's not until I'm at the restaurant waiting for Olivia that it occurs to me that Olivia might be expecting something from me more than just lunch and her jacket. I was so wrapped up in doing something nice for her, doing something she would have done, that it didn't occur to me all the way this lunch offer could have been perceived. Would she be expecting me to tell her I was ready to go forward, or that I wanted just friendship. Was she expecting me to know everything right now? This is precisely why I like things to be organized. I like to know what I'm going into before I head into battle but today I didn't think things through and instead of knowing is expected of me and what I should be expecting I'm sitting here with no clue at all. It is not a nice feeling. Once again I'm reminded what last week's dalliance has done to our friendship. This would normally be just a lunch with a friend with no expectations or concerns, no need for anxiety, but instead there's so much more going on than just lunch.

I'm not allowed too much time to worry about it because before I know it I'm looking into deep brown eyes and I feel a smile grace my lips, a real one. When I see her smile back I'm calmed and feel at ease. When I see her smile I don't worry about what she might be expecting or what I might be doing right or wrong. Instead, when she smiles I'm comforted and immediately stop worrying. 

As she walks to the table I notice she's wearing jeans and a casual shirt and while I've seen her in a various different styles I can't help but notice how nice she looks today. Her shirt fits her perfectly, highlighting her fit body and woman's figure. This isn't the first time I've noticed her figure and her body. I've been envious of her body in the past as I've always been so slight. t's hard not to notice the differences between her body and mine. It's like her body was sculpted by a Greek artist, by someone who knew what a woman's body should look like. Even fully clothes, a person can tell that she is not just shaped well but that she is muscular and fit underneath her clothes. A woman could get very jealous looking at Olivia. I realize I've gotten briefly lost in my thoughts when I hear Olivia say my name. I feel a slight uncontrollable blush warm my face and I hope it's not noticeable in the restaurant lighting. I stand up and take her jacket off the back of my chair where I set it when I first arrived.

"Here you are. One jacket, special delivery," I tell her as I hand over her jacket.

"Thanks again Alex, it wasn't necessary but thanks. You sure you want lunch company? I don't have to stay if..."

I cut her off as I sit down, "Sit. Of course I still want lunch company I wouldn't have asked otherwise." Once she sits down I hand her a menu and give her a moment to look it over. As she does I see her smiling to herself, as though she's got a personal inside joke running through her head. "Something amusing?" I ask as I raise my eyebrow at her.

"Alex," she starts with a smile, "this place is sorta nerdy." She finishes her thought with a laugh.

I put on my best offended face and ask, "What? What on earth are you talking about Nerdy? Really?"

"Alex, everything on this menu is named after some famous lit character or scientist or whatever else. There are random definitions on the back of the menu... Quotes.... Need I say more?"

"I love this place!" I defend.

"Of course you do. Egghead."

I laugh, it's nice to laugh with Olivia, after this past week or so we definitely deserve it. "Just for that," I threaten, "I'm not going to give you any suggestions on what to get." It's a completely empty threat because for one, everything on the menu is great and two, I'd still give her suggestions if she asked.

"Big threat Ms. Cabot, but you underestimate my ability to charm you to get what I want. One look from me and I'll get anything I want..."

And suddenly the mood between us changes. There are a lot of interpretations to that one simple sentence, interpretations that I'm not sure I'm prepared to think about. Luckily any extra awkward moments are paused thanks to our waitresses impeccable timing. I hope my relief isn't visible.

"Ladies, my name's Martha and I'll be your server today. Can I get you something to drink?"

I look at Olivia who says to me, "after you," so I order a bloody mary. Olivia follows my lead and Martha the server is off to get us our drinks. There's a brief moment of awkward silence and I find myself opting to break the silence with completely useless information.

"I don't usually drink bloody marys but they're my weakness. I know there's nothing redeeming about them and they're full of sodium, like my quotient for the month, but I do love them so when I go someplace that I know has good ones I give in and treat myself." Shut up Alex, shut up Alex, shut up Alex! "Anyway, so figure out what you'd like to get?" At this point I'm consider screaming fire in an effort to take the attention away from my completely embarrassing monologue on bloody marys. Thankfully Olivia takes pity on me and ignores my bloody mary fiasco.

"I'm thinking about The Count of Monte Cristo." Then she laughs, "Alex, this place is SO nerdy! I can't not laugh at this place! I feel silly ordering a sandwich called The Count of Monte Cristo."

"You can always order The Man in the Iron Mask, or the Three Musketeers or Moby Dick." We're giggling like school girls as we list all the completely silly names of dishes. Finally I concede, "You're right, this place is truly nerdy but the food is great and, well, I am a quite a nerd myself."

"Yes I can see that now," she says with a smile.

"Hilarious," I say back as our drinks arrive.

"Ladies, have you figured out what you'd like?"

"Yes, we have," I tell her. After we order we both fall back into a fit of giggles and I'm fairly sure I see Martha the server rolling her eyes at us as she walks away. "I haven't laughed like this in a long time," I tell Olivia. "Just for stupid reasons."

"Well then a toast. To laughing for stupid reasons," Olivia says as she raises her glass to me.

"I will definitely drink to that," I say as I smile and tap my glass to hers.

Olivia's POV

When Alex smiles it's like the whole room changes. If you're ever lucky enough to see her smile you'll understand what I mean. And God help you if you're the one to make her smile like that. If you make Alex Cabot smile a full, real smile, one that reaches her eyes. One that makes a room go from dark to light, well, if you make that smile, the world can end right then and there and you will have accomplished everything you could ever want to do. All you have to do is be the reason Alex smiles.

When I make it to the table I realize she hasn't quite made any move to acknowledge my presence at the table so I say her name to get her attention. She stands up to give me her jacket and I take in her appearance. She looks stunning as always. I'll never understand how it is that she's always able to look so astonishing. She could wear a potato sack and I'm sure she'd still be the most beautiful woman in the room. Of course it helps that she is naturally beautiful. On any given day Alex is untouchable, super model beautiful. She is the epitome of traditional beauty. Long legs, slim but muscular torso, smooth, fair skin, long blonde hair, striking blue eyes. She's what every little girl who wishes she could be a princess wants to look like when they grow up. I break from my momentary reverie and take my jacket back then I give her an out, let her know she can tell me she wants to have lunch alone but she just sits and reminds me that she asked me to join her. So I sit as well.

The instant my eyes glance over the menu I'm filled with humor. This place is like a nerds wet dream. Definitions, food names after famous characters, authors, scientists and so on. I point it out to Alex and she tells me she loves this place. Of course she does. She threatens that she won't give me food advice and when I tease back that one look from me and I'll get anything I want the mood changes rapidly. I didn't mean to say something so charged. Thankfully we're saved by the waitress. We both order bloody marys and after the waitress leaves we sit in an awkward silence. Alex breaks the silence with something about bloody marys and why she loves them so much. Any other time I'd probably pick on her for rambling about such a strange subject but I figure it's best just to let her fill the silence however she feels most comfortable but I do find myself biting my tongue to keep from teasing her.

When she asks me what I plan on eating and I tell her I can't help but laugh. This place really is just so nerdy. She tells me that she's quite a nerd herself and at this point, that's obvious. We banter a little and I can't help but feel how great this is, to joke with Alex, to be her friend. I'd spend my days trying to make sure every moment with Alex was like this if I could. This is such a different Alex than any other version of her I've seen before. She's so carefree and it warms my heart to be with her in this moment. When we toast to our laughter I can only wish silently that there will be more moments like this.

When our food arrives we dig in and I realize why she loves this place. The food is great and so are the drinks. Of course I'm probably pretty partial because thus far, this has been the best lunch I've ever had and I'm not talking about the food. Alex and I aren't butting heads. We're not talking about work. We're just two people enjoying each other's company and I'm reveling in every moment of it. Our conversation is flowing easily as we talk about movies and books that we'd love to have time to see or read. Things we enjoy doing when we have time for ourselves. She tells me about her friend Melanie and how if she didn't force Alex out she may never see the outside of her office or her house. I'm happy Alex has someone like that in her life to keep her from being swallowed by work. I can't help but wish I could be that person for her. But I reign that thought in pretty quickly, I know I'm lucky to be sitting here with her now and I should take what I can get right now. I never want to go back to last week.

Our lunches are nearly finished and if I could keep pushing the food around to prolong lunch I would but I know Alex must have other things going on today that she needs to get back to so I reluctantly push my plate away. I can't put the end of our meal off any longer and since Alex finished a short while ago I know she's waiting on me to finish. It's only a few minutes after I've pushed my plate away that Martha shows up with our bill asking if we want it together or separate. I tell her together and pull a credit card out.

"No way Olivia," I hear Alex protest. "I'm paying for lunch."

"Nope," I tell her. "Consider it a thank you for going out of your way to get my jacket to me today."

"I didn't go out of my way," she tells me. "I was going to go to lunch anyway...."

"Be that as it may, you're still not paying." And with that I hand Martha my card and give her the look that says don't stand around, go charge me. She seems smart enough to know that standing around while two women argue over a bill is just stupid. Either that or she understands my look.

"Well thank you then Olivia, next time it's on me."

"It's absolutely my pleasure," I tell her whole-heartedly. 

Alex's POV

I'm not used to having someone else pay for me, unless it's a guy on a date who thinks that by paying for me he'll get lucky. It's an odd feeling. Don't get me wrong, I don't go around throwing my money around to show people I have it, and I don't have anything against a friend paying for me but I think it's been so long since someone has, well except Melanie, but she doesn't count, she's basically family. For once though, it's kind of nice to have someone offer to pay just because. On a partially related side note, it's possible I over think things too much.

This lunch has been such a fun lunch. It's been a long time since I've done something fun like this with someone who wasn't Melanie. I don't really want lunch to end but I know that eventually it must. It's not really lunch but more so the company I've had during lunch. This lunch was a lunch between two friends, not like our usual meals together which is just two co-workers having a working meal. This lunch was filled with laughter and smiles and an easy flowing conversation. I had a chance to really observe Olivia at lunch today. She's a completely different person today at lunch. She's smiled more today than I think I've ever seen her smile. And her laugh, I guess I've never heard her laugh before but today I notice she has a rich, deep, full laugh. It's a great laugh one I doubt I'd ever get tired of hearing. 

I'm also able to look at her, really look at her. I've always known Olivia is a pretty woman, it's hard not to notice that, you'd have to be blind deaf and dumb not to. But today when I look at her I notice things differently. I can't put my finger on it, it's nothing specific that I can tell but she looks different to me nonetheless. I notice her eyes. I've made eye contact with her before but today I feel like I'm looking INTO her eyes and she's looking INTO mine, like she really sees me today. And even though we're just talking casual things, there's a stronger, deeper connection today than I think we've ever had before. It's a strange feeling to be having with Olivia. The only other times we have a strong connection is when we're yelling at each other over cases and even then I'm not sure it's a strong connection because of who we are but rather because of our anger. Until today, though I'd seen Olivia's eyes before, today I really saw them and appreciated them for the beauty that they are.

I watched her mouth. I didn't even realize I was doing it until I saw her tongue dart out and lick her lips. Only when I noticed my breath catch did I realize I'd been staring at her mouth. Staring at her mouth made me think of last night, of her kiss. It made me remember how soft her lips were when they pressed against my own. It was as though she was made of satin, soft and silky. I was forced to stop staring when I realized I was hardly listening and I needed to focus in order to be a participant of our conversation. It was probably for the best anyway, thinking about her kissing me was jumbling up all my thoughts and confusing everything.

Before I know it lunch has come to an end. I must have spent most of it just looking at Olivia. I know we spoke about lots of things but I think a lot of my brain was dedicated to taking in all of Olivia. After Olivia signs the check we get ready to leave our table and I can't help but think that I don't really want to part, I'm enjoying Olivia's company too much. As we walk to the front door of the restaurant I feel Olivia's hand on my back in it's usual place for directing me through a crowd. She's barely touching me but I swear I can feel the heat of her hand as though it were on my skin. I've never experienced a reaction like this to such a simple gesture before, it unnerves me a little. When we reach the sidewalk she takes her hand away from my back and I instantly miss the warmth of it.

"Can I grab you a cab," she asks me.

"I'm not too far, I think I'll walk off lunch, thank you though," I tell her. "And thank you again for lunch that was really not necessary."

"No problem, it was my pleasure," she tells me with a shrug.

As we stand in the center of the sidewalk I can't help but think that I'd like to extend our time together but I'm sure she has things to do today and I know I have files I really should be working on. The responsible, workaholic ADA in me tells me to squelch that thought and forces me to go home and work.

"Well," I start, "I should get home and get back to my files, sometimes I feel like if I leave them alone too long they start reproducing on me."

"Like bunnies?" she asks with a chuckle.

"Yes, exactly like bunnies. File bunnies."

"Well I'd hate for you to get home to a family of files. I had a great time Alex, I hope we can do this again sometime."

"I'd love to," I tell her. "Enjoy the rest of you day."

"You too," she tells me before I turn and walk up the street back towards my apartment. As I walk away I think about how I wish I could just let work go for a day, but I know that's not who I am and I doubt anything will ever change that. "If wishes were horses...."

Olivia's POV

I wanted to ask Alex to spend the day hanging out with me. I nearly did, but she told me she had to get home so I didn't. I wanted to walk her home but I didn't want her to feel like this was a date. I wanted to hug her goodbye but that didn't seem like Alex and Olivia friends who just had lunch. And a kiss goodbye was certainly out of the question, but I wanted to. Instead I'm watching her retreating form walk away. I try to push all my wants out of my mind and focus on the lunch we just had and how wonderful it was to just be at ease with each other. I push from my mind thoughts of what it would be like if we were a couple and how every lunch together could be like that. I try to focus on our friendship only but the sad fact is that I've got it bad for Alex Cabot. Oh boy have I got it bad.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If it looks like a date and it quacks like a date it just might be a date, maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you are all enjoying this :)

Chapter 10

Alex's POV

The rest of my weekend was quiet, filled with the usual files and cases. Fortunately for me, my concentration seemed to be back to normal, mostly. I was able to make it through a few files at least without being too distracted by thoughts of Olivia and our lunch yesterday. Of course when I did think about yesterday's lunch I was unable to focus on anything but that. Lunch had not been like anything I expected, though truth be told, I'm not sure what I expected. I knew Olivia and I could be friends and get along well outside of work, I just didn't realize exactly how easy it is to be me with her. It makes me want to spend more time with her which is a rare feeling for me. Usually when I'm free from work I just want to spend my time alone which is why Melanie is forced to drag me out places with her, for my own good she always says. But after lunch with Olivia I find myself wondering how long it'll be until she and I can do something else together.

As the work week progressed, the unit caught a few cases that had me popping in for interrogations and them over for warrants. Unfortunately that didn't leave me much time for chatting with Olivia, not that "at work" chatting would have been the same as "weekend" chatting but I still wanted an opportunity to say more than, "cut him loose" or "arrest him." Particularly I wanted a chance to see when she and I might have an opportunity to get together again. When Friday afternoon rolled around and I still hadn't had a chance to talk to Olivia I decided I'd take matters into my own hands and give her a call.

"Special Victims Unit, this is Benson."

"Still chained to your desk I assume?" I answer with a smile. I find myself happier than I expected to be to have caught her before she left for the night. "You gonna be stuck there all night?"

"Hey Alex," I swear I can hear her smile as she speaks. "I'm just finishing up some 5s from this week so that next week when our ADA goes to court she won't yell at me for not having finished my paperwork."

"Oh good idea, the word around the water cooler here is that she's a major hard-ass, you wouldn't want to get on her bad side."

"Don't believe EVERYTHING you hear, her bark's worse than her bite. She has a redeeming quality or two, you just have to know how to handle her," she teases back.

"Oh really?" I respond. "And what if she's just letting you handle her but is really handling you?" Did I just flirt a little?

"She can handle me anytime she wants," she says back. Did her voice just get a little deeper? I'm glad this conversation is being held over the phone because I know I'm blushing uncontrollably right now. I've momentarily lost any thoughts I might have had, I can't come up with a response to that. I hear her clear her throat, "So what can I do for you Alex?"

"I wanted to know what you were up to this weekend, if you had some free time or if you were on call all weekend."

"I'm about as on call this weekend as you are. So far we're mostly caught up on things so Munch and Finn are primary this weekend and El and I are hoping nothing major happens. Why what's up?"

"Well as you pointed out, unless something major happens I'm pretty caught up for the weekend so I thought I might attempt something I rarely do. I am going to attempt to have a life, sort of. Anyway I thought I'd see if you were up to attempting a social life with me."

"I would love to, what did you have in mind?"

"Truthfully? I have no idea, I so rarely get a chance to do anything and when I do it's usually Melanie who has made all plans and just drags me out of my apartment. Perhaps we could start with lunch tomorrow and then see what we feel like doing after?"

"That sounds like a great plan. How about I pick you up from your apartment around noon tomorrow and we can go wherever you'd like."

"Okay, great, I'll figure out where we should go."

"Perfect, I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow Olivia." And with that I hang up. As I pack up to head home I realize that I'm really looking forward to tomorrow.

Olivia's POV

I hang up the phone with a huge smile on my face. Alex called to ask me to hang out with her. I feel a little like I'm in middle school and I've just been asked out by my crush which isn't that far from the truth. I have just been asked to hang out with my crush. I look up and see Elliot grinning at me.

"Good conversation?" he says as he grins at me.

"Shut up."

"So I guess I don't really need to ask what YOUR plans are this weekend..."

"Shut up."

"Will you be handling our ADA?"

"Shut up," I repeat but I can't hide the smile that graces my face at the idea of handling Alex. I'll happily handle her. I only ponder the idea for a moment before I force the thought from my mind, it's lunch, just lunch I tell myself. Elliot breaks through my thoughts.

"So where are you girls going to go for lunch, I'd LOVE to stop in a say hi," he says just before barking out a loud laugh. This time I just stare at him. When he finally stops laughing I look at the clock and down at my mostly empty desk.

"Elliot," I tell him as I stand up, "it's nearly 6:30, I'm leaving you to amuse yourself. Or better yet, go home. You getting home before dark ought to amuse Kathy and if you're lucky maybe she'll amuse you."

"Maybe if you're lucky Alex will..." I throw a pencil at him which stops his sentence enough for me to tell him good night as I walk out from behind my desk and towards the doors. I hear him shouting back at me.

"Get some rest tonight Olivia, you never know what you might be doing tomorrow!"

I roll my eyes at no one in particular as I push the button to call the elevator. Sometimes having Elliot around is like having the little brother I never knew I never wanted. But like a little brother, if he was mine I'd still love him regardless of his complete immaturity. 

After arriving home and throwing together a salad with what was left in my fridge I finally settled onto my couch with the tv on in the background. I felt a little like a kid on Christmas eve I wished I could be asleep so that it could be tomorrow but I was far too awake for sleep. I tried to focus on some comedy that was playing on the tv but my mind kept wandering back to tomorrow and all the possibilities of how the day could go. Try as I might I couldn't quite control my mind from turning tomorrow's lunch with a friend into a date. In my head I had visions of walking down the streets with Alex holding her hand. Putting my arms around her waist and holding her as we watched the world pass us by. I had visions of taking her home at the end of the day and having her lean into me and kiss me goodnight. I was able to stop my mind from taking a simple kiss and turning it into a night of passion between the two of us but it wasn't easy. I had to convince myself that inserting Alex into my day dreams when they weren't exactly family friendly was an inappropriate action. I wasn't nearly as lucky at convincing my unconscious. 

That night I dreamt of Alex and I. In my dream we'd gone to dinner and a movie together, only in my dream we were a couple. Our dinner was peppered with sweet kisses. During our movie Alex would reach out and grab my hand to hold it. When she wasn't holding my hand she would rub my leg unconsciously as she watched the movie. By the end of our dream date Alex's tender touches and kisses had me wanting much more.

I walked her to her apartment expecting to say goodnight to her on the street but she asked me up. When we get inside her apartment she doesn't hesitate long before pinning me against the door. Her kiss left me breathless. She pressed her entire body against mine and broke the kiss to tell me she needed me. She reached her hand down to press between my legs as she whispered to me. Her hands attacked my clothes. She tore my shirt from my body and only took a moment to grab my breasts before she unzipped my pants and pushed them as far down as she could without moving away from me. Her mouth attacked my neck before she worked her way down my chest, down my stomach until she reached the top of my underwear. When she knelt in front of me I had to close my eyes for a moment to keep from coming from the image. She nuzzled through my panties before looking up and making eyes contact with me as she pulled my panties slowly down my legs. She looked back at my newly uncovered flesh and leaned in making a soft humming sound as she did. She grabbed the back of my left leg and threw it over her right shoulder. I waited as patiently as I could for her to lean in to touch me. She looked up at me as she leaned in. She was millimeters away from where I wanted her to be. I saw her tongue peek out from between her gorgeous lush lips.

The first thing I notice as I wake up is the ache between my legs. The next thing I hear is a car alarm which as I come fully to consciousness I realize was the reason I'm not asleep. I swear to myself and force my eyes closed, I so desperately want to finish my dream. But I only lay there for a moment before I give up. I know I won't be able to finish my dream because I won't allow myself to dream about Alex that way if I can keep myself from doing so. Plus I'm so worked up it's hard to focus on anything but the throbbing between my legs. I desperately want to take care of myself but I know I wouldn't be able to look Alex in the face later today if I touched myself with her face in my mind. I quickly rub my hands over my face and resign myself to a cold shower.

After my very long, very cold shower I make my way to the kitchen to make some coffee and and a small bite to eat, I'm not usually one for breakfast but I figure I've got the time this morning and there's actually something I can eat, a bagel. So I pop it into the toaster and wait rather impatiently for the coffee to finish brewing. Right now I feel like that kid on Christmas morning waiting for my parents to wake up so I can start opening presents. I have so many variations of how today could go running through my mind and I have to keep reminding myself that today is a lunch date and that any future between Alex and I, friends or more, is completely at her discretion. While I would love for our lunch to go any number of ways that my imagination has taken it, I know that no matter what, nothing will happen unless I know Alex fully wants it to happen. The ball, as they say, is in her court.

Alex's POV

It's so nice to wake up in the morning the the light and not some blaring alarm, I always feel so much more refreshed when I wake on my own. This morning was no exception. After waking with the light I get up to make some coffee. I allow myself one cup of coffee and a banana before I change into my running clothes and head out to run through the city. It's a cool morning, a sign of fall making it's way to us and I know there's won't be too many more mornings that will be the right balance of cool and warm which is perfect for running outdoors, so this morning I take full advantage of it. By the time I make it back home I realize I ran for nearly an hour getting lost in the twists and turns of the city. I jump into the shower as soon as I arrive home and wash the sweat and dirt off me from my run. 

It's nearly ten by the time I'm done with my shower. I grab another banana and slather it with peanut butter to replace some of the nutrients that I worked off during my run and to hold me over until lunch. I grab another cup of coffee and toss it into the microwave to warm it up. I decide that while I've got sometime I should probably look over a file or two so I grab a few files from my briefcase by the door as I wait for the microwave to finish warming my coffee. Once it's finished I grab a cup and take it with me to the sofa where I settle with my coffee and files. On my third trip to the coffee maker for more coffee I realize it's nearly 11:30 and Olivia will be here shortly so I grab my coffee and bring it with me to the bathroom to get ready. I quickly run a brush through my hair to tame it before throwing on some light and casual make up, nothing too major, it's the weekend after all. Makeup and hair put together I head to my closet for a pair of jeans and a simple button down blouse. I opt for one of my favorite 3/4 length sleeve button downs, it's perfect for the cooler weather but won't roast me should it get warmer today than expected. I take a quick glance in the mirror and satisfied that I'm acceptable for public viewing I head back to the couch to read over more files until Olivia gets here.

It's not too long before the house phone rings and I'm told that I've got a visitor downstairs. I ask the doorman to let her know I'll be down in a minute and hang up. I quickly grab my files and set them back into my briefcase. Grabbing my keys from the table by the door I make a quick mental check that the coffeemaker is off and that I can an ID, a credit card and some cash. Once I'm sure things are good I head out, locking the door before walking to the elevator and hitting the down button. As I ride down in the elevator I think about how I'm really looking forward to spending time with Olivia again today. As I ride down there's a small part of me that seems to be a little nervous and I can't quite pinpoint why but it's there. I try my best to ignore it as I step out of the elevator and down the hall to the front lobby. Standing there chatting with the doorman is Olivia, looking as causal and light as I've ever seen here. I take a moment to regard her while she's not looking at me. Her body language is so different standing here in my lobby than it is when she's at the precinct. It's slightly carefree and relaxed. It's a great look on her. The doorman says something to her and she laughs, that same full laugh that I heard last weekend and I can't help but smile as I hear it. I walk the remaining way to Olivia and step in beside her nudging her with my shoulder.

"Am I interrupting" I ask her with a slight smile.

"Hey Alex," she says as she turns to me smiling. "I doubt you'd ever be interrupting."

"Good afternoon Ms. Cabot," Larry the weekend doorman says to me. No matter how many times I tell him to call me Alex he refuses so I've just given up telling him. He's in his 60s and has a very distinguished and polished look about him, probably one of the reasons he was hired, keeping up appearances and all. Well that and his 40 or so years of military service. I can't imagine him ever needing to use that experience but there's a comfort in knowing he's there with his experience if necessary. Perhaps that's the post WPP in me speaking. 

"Hi Larry. How has the day been so far?"

"Very slow Ms. Cabot, but thankfully your guest showed up and entertained this old man for a few minutes."

"Wanna keep her?" I ask Larry before turning and winking at Olivia to ensure she knows I'm kidding.

"Absolutely not Ms. Cabot, you so rarely have company, if ever, I would never take your company but she's always welcome to chat with me," he says with a smile. "Now you two stop distracting me, I can only be a gentleman for so long. It's a slippery slope between gentleman and old lecherous man," he says with his own wink for us. We both laugh and bid him goodbye.

As we step out onto the sidewalk Olivia looks at me. "You look great," she tells me. I can't help but feel my face get a little warm from the compliment.

"So do you," I return. She smiles back and asks me where we are heading.

"Would it be terrible if I asked you if we could go back to Eggheads?" I ask somewhat sheepishly. I do really like Eggheads though deep down inside there's a small part of me that wants to return to a place where we had such a nice time, a just-in-case of sorts.

"Anywhere you want Alex."

I turn down the street and start walking as she steps in right beside me. Our footsteps match up and I can't help but laugh lightly.

"What," she asks.

"Nothing, just a old silly thing from when I was a kid," I tell her.

"Well do you care to share?"

"Oh it's stupid. When I was a kid I was always amused when two people's strides matched up. I don't know why exactly. I used to see old people who stepped together and I'd think that they must have been together for so long that they match steps too. Even when I was a kid and it was just me and friends if we matched up I couldn't help but laugh. It's like being tickled, there's no complete reason why, but it always makes me giggle a little."

"Hmm so you're ticklish are you?" she says to me with a gleam in her eye.

"Perhaps I am, perhaps I'm a kicker when I get tickled," I warn her.

"Noted," she says as she raises her hands in mock surrender. 

The walk to the restaurant is quick and when we arrive she holds the door open for me as I step through. We're seated instantly back towards the back of the restaurant. When we reach our table Olivia pulls my chair our for me and holds it. I'm not sure she even knows she's doing it, it's as though being a gentleman for lack of a better term comes naturally to her. I take my seat and wait until she sits down in her own before thanking her. She just smiles and hands me a menu. I only take a moment to glance at it, already knowing what I'd like. Olivia seems to know what she'd like too as she's already looked over the menu and has set it down. Our server shows up and takes our full order, food and drinks before leaving us. We chat about the week briefly before moving away from work topics. Somehow we seem to get onto the topic of baseball and Olivia seems shocked that I've never been to a baseball game here in New York.

"How is that even possible Alex?"

"I don't know, no one I now has ever asked me to go to a game and I'm not going to take the day and go alone," I tell her as I shrug. 

"Alex, it's America's favorite pastime," she says with a smile. I just shrug and watch as she pulls out her phone and starts poking the screen with her thumbs. I'm suddenly worried that she's going to have to leave and go into work. She pokes around on her phone for another moment before looking back up to me and smiling. "We're going to a game today."

"What?" I ask, slightly started by her statement, so she doesn't have to go to work?

"A baseball game Alex. The Yankees are playing today so we're going to go. I mean, well, do you want to? I know you said we'd have lunch and figure whatever else out but you know, maybe you had other plans... We don't have...."

"That would be great Olivia. My plans for the day we were to hang out with you. I just thought you were poking around on your phone because maybe you'd been sent some work stuff. I'd be happy to go to a game." I smile to reassure her.

"Oh, okay. You're sure?"

"I am."

"Okay," she says as our food arrives. "Well you better eat up Ms. Cabot because with baseball comes lots of beer."

With the smell of my food wafting to my nose I realize how hungry I am. "No need to tell me twice," I say before I dig in.

Olivia's POV

I watch for a moment as Alex digs into her meal. I was worried for a moment that my assumption that she'd still want to do something with me after lunch was wrong. But I'd been so excited when I realized there might be a game playing today so I'd taken a moment to check and confirm. Once I was sure of it, I got myself excited to take Alex to her first baseball game here in New York. I'm not a huge baseball fan but I am a small fan and to me there's something incredibly fun about going to a baseball game. I wanted to share that with Alex. I'm glad she said okay. Taking my own advice I dig into my food. It's just as good as I remember it being from last weekend.

We eat in silence not needing to fill the quiet. By the time we finish lunch it's nearly game time. Alex and I have a short argument over who should pay and eventually I give in knowing that I've already bought tickets for the game and there's no way she'll let me get away with buying everything today. We hop into a cab and I tell him to take us to the stadium. I'm so excited about taking Alex to the game that I absentmindedly grab her hand as though it's the most natural thing in the world for us. When I realize what I've done I apologize and go to pull my hand away, but she surprises me by closing her fist around mine and telling me it's okay. My heart soars when she looks at me and smiles before looking back to the window and watching the city fly by. I feel like it's the first time I've ever held someone's hand. I try to keep my heart rate at a reasonable level but holding onto Alex's hand is like holding onto a live wire. I couldn't slow my heart rate if my life depended on it. We arrive at the baseball stadium far too quickly for my liking and I reluctantly let go of her hand. Grabbing money from my pocket I pay the cabbie before she can argue with me and then gently nudge her to signal her to get out. 

I lead the way to the ticket taker and flash him the electronic tickets on my phone. He quickly scans them and lets us through the gates. We enter the stadium into the usual game day insanity, I want to reach out and grab Alex's hand but somehow I doubt she'd be as comfortable as she was in the car. Instead I guide her with my hand on her back like I usually do in a crowd. I lead her to a concession stand and we order two beers and again get into a short small argument. I let her win this one on the condition that I buy the next round as I assure her there will be another round. We grab our drinks and make our way to our seats. I was lucky enough to find two last minute seats a few rows up near third base. As we take our seats I watch Alex take everything in. She's probably deny it if asked but she looks just like I expected. She has the same joy-filled face that some of the younger kids have who are seated near us. It's the same look of amazement and it's beautiful on her. As I look at her, it occurs to me how light she is, she's going to be a lobster at the end of the day if she's not careful. I excuse myself from her claiming to need the restroom though not before making sure she doesn't need it as well. When she responds in the negative I head off on my mission.

I'm not gone too long and the game has still yet to start when I return gift in hand. As I sit down next to her I pull the small gift I ran off to get from behind my back and place it on her head. She regards me with momentary shock before picking the hat off her head to inspect it. While I didn't have a ton of options I picked a hat that I thought would look cute on Alex. It's a simple Yankee blue hat with a very simple embroidered "NY" across the the front. Stitched into the back is a small "Yankees" in cursive writing. It's a fitted, "one size fits all hat" and I'm thrilled to find out it fit's Alex's head perfectly. After thoroughly inspecting it she looks at me and smiles.

"What's this for?"

"For you," I tell her as I take it and gently put it back on her head. "It's to keep the sun off your face and a small souvenir of your first baseball game."

She adjusts the hat before looking me directly in the eyes, "Thank you. It's a great souvenir but thank you for getting me something to protect my face." She leans in and hugs me over the armrest. I take the brief opportunity to revel in the feel of her in my arms, even if it is slightly awkward due to the armrest. 

"You're welcome," I whisper into her ear. If she only knew the lengths I'd go to to protect every inch of her mind, body and soul. 

As we release each other a young girl takes the field as the announcer tells us that she is from "Make-A-Wish" and has always wanted to sing the National Anthem. The entire stadium rises and listens as she makes her wish come true. I sneak a peek over at Alex as the song ends and I see her wiping away a tear and I too am touched by the little girl singing her heart out but also at the woman standing next to me. One would have to be blind to look at Alex and not see the passion pouring out of her eyes as she watches the little girl leave the field. The crowd continues to cheer the young girl on for a few seconds after she has left the field. Alex cheers along with them. After the cheering dies down the Yankees take the field. More cheering ensues. Alex however, is oblivious to what's going on on the field. She places her hand on my arm to grab my attention.

"Did you know that my family donates money to Make-A Wish?" she asks me.

"No."

"Well we do. I'd never been able to witness one of the wishes coming true. It was beautiful to watch it happen. I'm sure you didn't know that was going to happen but thank you regardless. Because you thought to bring me here I got to witness something good that my family is able to take part in. It was amazing. Thank you." 

In a perfect world I'd kiss her, right here, right now. Not only does she look beautiful, she always does, but right now it's like I'm soaking up her emotions and I can't say much. I know if I kissed her she'd know what I wanted to convey but I can't so I place my hand atop hers and give it a quick squeeze before removing it and grabbing my beer.

We focus primarily on the game for the next few hours, at least I assume Alex did. It was hard to sit right next to her and not watch her. Everything was a first experience for her and it showed in her face, in the smiles she shared. The laughs she let out, the small cringes she made when someone leapt high in the air to catch a ball. And on a less baseball game related note it was hard to keep my eyes off her in that hat I bought her. I never would have guessed she's be so damned adorable in a baseball hat but she was. And the hat, with the blue, brought out her eyes even more than usual. Between her facial expressions and how cute she looked with her hat on I barely caught much of the game. I was lucky enough however, to be paying attention when a foul ball headed our way. It was as though the ball was hit directly to us. All I had to do was reach my arm up and pluck it out of the sky disappointing the little boy seated next to Alex. I looked at Alex and then to the little boy and as though I'd said something to her, she nodded answering my silent question. I reach across her and hand it to the little boy who received it with eyes wide. Unable to contain his excitement he leapt from his seat, over Alex's leg and right into my arm chanting thank you over and over again. Neither Alex nor I could help but laugh out loud at the little boy's reaction. His father finally convinced him to sit down so we could all continue watching the game and with one more thank you he was back in his seat inspecting his new ball like it was made of gold and showing it to his father explaining everything about the ball. I make eye contact with Alex and she just smiles and tells me she already has her souvenir. God, could this woman be any more perfect?

About an hour later the game has finally finished and we're pouring out of the stadium at a snail's pace with the rest of the crowd. As usual I'm guiding Alex through the crowd with my hand. When we finally make it outside the stadium I suggest we walk a few blocks away in the hopes of catching a cab rather than trying to catch one with fifty thousand of our best friends from the game. She agrees that it's a good idea and we walk down the street side by side.

"Olivia, I really had a wonderful time at the game. Thank you so much for suggesting it and taking me. I will most certainly remember my first baseball game. And should I happen to forget the National Anthem, or the little boy whose day you made, I'll always have my hat and I couldn't ever forget that you took me to my first game."

"I'm really happy you enjoyed yourself Alex. That's what summer's in this city is all about. I think sometime's with our jobs, we don't get to remember that too often, so I'm glad we could remember that together." I see an empty cab headed our way and so I raise my arm to signal them to stop. When they stop I open the door for Alex to get in first. "Can I see you home?" I ask her before getting into the cab with her.

"I'd like that," she tells me so I slide into the back with her. She quickly gives the driver her address.

Alex's POV

Today has been an amazing day. I never would have guessed this morning that my lunch with Olivia would turn into nearly an entire day or a baseball game. I wasn't lying to her when I told her I'd remember my first game. I'm not sure I'll ever forget it. I feel silly for being so excited but she bought me a hat. I'm sure I'm just excited because no one I've ever dated before would have ever thought to take my skin and the sun into consideration but she did. 

Wait. Did I just say dated? I mean, she and I aren't dating though I suppose if I were with a guy this would have been a date. We did hold hands earlier, that was a shock to me. We'd just been riding along and I felt her hand on mine. She apologized almost as quickly as it happened and went to pull away but surprising even myself I closed my hand around hers and told her it was okay. It was such a simple thing but it made me feel warm and though it sounds cheesy, I felt soft and fuzzy inside. I was sad to let go of her when we got out of the cab but I'm hardly a hand holding type of girl to begin with much less with a woman and in plain view of everyone. So she guided me with her hand on my back like she usually does. Even in a huge crowd having her hand on my back made me feel safe, it's strange how she does that to me.

All day long Olivia did this wonderful things for me, the hat, protecting me in the crowds, sharing something with me, for me. As we ride in the cab I don't really want the day to end. I think of all the things that should be done today, or could be done today and contemplate what exactly I'd like to do about all that. Before I know it we've arrived at my apartment. I grab some money and hand it to the cab driver before looking at Olivia. Oh what the hell, my files aren't going anywhere.

"Want to come up and grab some dinner with me?" I ask.

"I don't want to intrude, I'm sure you have things to do," she says.

"There's always something to do, let me repay your kindness and at least feed you."

"Again?"

"A girl's gotta eat right?" I say with a wink.

"Good point," she says and moves to get out of the cab. Smiling to myself I follow her out of the cab and we head into my building. We give Larry a quick hello and a short summary of our day and the game before heading up to my apartment.

Once inside I tell her to make herself at home as I head to the kitchen to survey my provisions. She follows behind me and takes a place on a barstool. 

"Beer?" I offer her.

"I might be a little beered out right now, I don't suppose I could just have a glass of water?" she asks.

"Absolutely," I say as I grab two bottles of water from the fridge. I pour one into a glass before setting it in front of her and then turn back to repeat the action for myself. I take a long drink not realizing until the water hits my throat exactly how parched I was. After guzzling nearly half the glass I turn back and open the fridge again. "I can do a light pasta dish with veggies and chicken," I tell her.

"Don't go out of your way Alex, I'm fine with anything you want."

"Well I'd probably be making this even if you weren't here so I suppose that means it's not out of my way at all."

"Okay, then that sounds perfect. Can I help you with anything?"

"Nope," I say as I start to pull things from the fridge. "You can keep me company though while I make it though if you'd like."

"Okay then."

And she does. As I chop the vegetables and set everything on the stove to cook she chats with me, telling me about the first baseball game she ever went to. Her grandfather took her when she was about 7. It was the first and only time she'd gone to a game with him as he died a few weeks after due to a heart attack but she remembered every detail about that day with him. It's a sweet story and without knowing it, she's shown me a completely different side of her, a very personal deep side. I don't say anything for fear of her stepping back and putting that wall back up but I'm honored she feels comfortable enough to share with me.

She barely finishes her story as the meal finishes. I plate two plates for us and take them to the bar setting one in front of Olivia and one in front of my own seat. We dig in and she compliments my cooking. I'm glad she likes it, I'd hate to have disappointed her. When we finish she offers to clean up telling me that the cook doesn't clean. She shoos me to the living room and I reluctantly let her. I sit back on the couch and turn the tv on. I flip around until I find some old Esther Williams movie. No one knows this about me but I'm a bit of an old musicals fan so I will happily watch pretty much any old musical.

"A musical huh?" I hear Olivia say as she enters the living room and sits on the couch next to me.

"Don't make fun of me," I warn her.

"I would never," she responds, "I just never thought of you as a musicals kind of girl."

"I'm sure there's lots of stuff about me you don't know."

"I would bet there is," she replies before focusing on the tv.

We both quietly watch the movie and when it ends we are informed by the tv host that it's an Esther Williams marathon. Olivia tells me she doesn't mind watching another and so we do. I must have fallen asleep during the movie because the next thing I realize is that the movie is over and somehow I'm curled up on the couch with my head lying on Olivia's shoulder and her arm is resting around my back cuddling me into her. I'm unable to fight the instinct to settle in even closer before dozing off again. When I wake up again I'm fitted nicely into Olivia's side and the clock on the cable box reads 11:48pm. I lift my head to look over to Olivia about to apologize for falling asleep on her when I see that she too is asleep. I carefully extract myself from her and sit up to turn the tv off. I lean over to Olivia and gently shake her.

"Olivia, wake up," I say quietly in an effort to not jar her awake. She makes a soft mutter before snuggling deeper into the sofa. "Olivia, come on wake up," I repeat.

"Comfy," she mutters.

"I know, but you won't be tomorrow, come on let's go." I shake her slightly harder and I see her eyes flutter open.

"Alex?"

"Hey, come on, bedtime," I tell her. 

She takes a moment to process, "Oh, yeah, sorry, I better get going."

"No way, it's too late for you to go roaming around the city," I tell her. "You'll sleep here."

"Then why'd you wake me?" she asks.

"Because you're not sleeping on the couch."

"Where..."

"Come on, we'll share my bed. It's a California King, we'll each have our own time zones," I say with a smile.

"No I can sleep out here."

"Absolutely not," I tell her as I stand up. I extend my hand out to her, "let's go, I have something you can change into." And with that I grab her arm and drag her off the couch, with help from her of course.

When we get to the bedroom I head to my drawers and grab her a t-shirt and shorts before leading her to the bathroom. I dig through the drawers in the bathroom and pull out an unused, brand new toothbrush. I hand everything to her and tell her to change and use anything she needs in here. I close the door as I walk of out the bathroom and find myself something to sleep in. Usually I sleep in a pair of boy shorts but tonight a full outfit seems more appropriate. I find my own clothes and listen for Olivia, she's clearly brushing her teeth and so I take the moment to change into my night gear. A few minutes later Olivia exits the bathroom.

"Any particular side," she asks me. 

"I generally sleep closest to the window, but whatever makes you most comfortable is fine with me," I tell her.

"Okay," she says as she climbs into the side furthest from the window.

"I'll be out in a few," I tell her as I close the bathroom door. Once my nightly routine is finished I step out of the bathroom and walk over to my side of the bed. Olivia is so quiet I'm sure she's fallen back asleep already. It isn't until I turn off the light and close my eyes do I hear a soft, "good night Alex" come from her side of the bed.

"Good night Olivia, thank you for today."

"Anytime," she mumbles before I hear her breathing slow. It isn't long before she's out like a light with me following quickly behind.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> California King's can be very spacious beds but some people can be very cuddly whether they plan it or not.

Chapter 11

Olivia's POV

Despite practically passing out as soon as my head hit the pillow, I didn't sleep too well last night. Perhaps it was because I was in an unfamiliar place, sort of, or because it was Alex's bed. Maybe it's because I was too worried that I'd fall into a deep sleep and dream of Alex. Or perhaps it was because I kept waking up over and over in a different sleep position each time. 

The first time I woke up I was lying on my back keeping all my body parts to myself. I'm not even sure what woke me up but as I came into consciousness I realized something was touching my hand. It only took me a moment to understand that something wasn't just touching my hand, Alex was holding it. I flexed and lightly squeezed my hand, squeezing hers in the process. Her response is so light I barely feel it but I do feel her slightly squeezing my hand in reflex to my motions. At least I think it must be in reflex because when I look over at her I see no signs of her being awake. Her breathing continues slowly, rhythmically. I don't stay awake much longer before I fade back into sleep with the feel of Alex's hand in mine.

The next time I wake up I'm curled around Alex, spooning her from behind. I wake up surrounded by her scent, my face buried in the nape of her neck covered by a fine layer of her hair. My left arm is wrapped around her body under the left arm. It's nestled in the valley between her breasts clutched tight to her chest by her arm. Every inch of her back is pressed tight against my front. It's a perfect fit, we're like puzzle pieces fitted together so perfectly. I take another deep breath inhaling the smell that is only Alex. I don't want to pull away but I worry that I'm taking advantage of the situation. But then  
I feel Alex shift slightly in her sleep as she pulls my arm impossibly closer to her chest pulling me even tighter against her body. There's no way I can move without waking her up so I give in and relax against her and drift back into sleep holding Alex close against me.

The third time I wake up I'm lying on my back again this time the only place Alex and I are touching is my right arm which she's using as a pillow lying on her side her back to me. It's not the most comfortable position for me, I'd be far more comfortable if I was curled up behind her again but I can't make myself do that. I'd move my arm out from underneath her head but an earthquake would have to happen for me to wake her. I'll deal with it I think as I force myself to forget the discomfort and fall back to sleep.

The final time I wake up it's because I feel the light warming my face but that's just the icing on the cake. The cake however, is Alex. I'm still lying on my back as I wake up. I can feel a weight on my right side and I realize that Alex is half lying on my side. Her head is cradled on top of my shoulder, her shoulder fitting perfectly into the crook of my underarm. My right arm is curled tightly around her shoulders holding her close to me, not that I need to hold her close, she's already impossibly close. Her right leg is nestled between mine sprawled across my right leg. Her right arm is splayed across my torso and curled around my back. My shirt has risen up in my sleep and her arm is skin on skin across my belly. Her hand that's wrapped around my back is flat against my back under my shirt. My left arm rests on her forearm. I can feel her soft even breath on my neck causing the hairs there to raise up. I unconsciously start to draw designs on her forearm with my left hand. I don't realize I'm doing it until I feel her shift a little. I try to lull her back to sleep by rubbing her right arm softly. 

I feel her stretch her entire body against mine, straightening herself along my body first before pulling her self in on herself bringing me even closer than we were moments ago. For that brief moment when she stretches the entire length of herself against me I nearly blow a fuse. I know it's wrong of me to think about how unbelievably sexy she is all stretched out and glued to me but it's hard not to. For a brief moment it's like her entire body is on display for me. I try my hardest to push those thoughts away but it's even harder when she pulls herself back in pulling me with her. As she curls herself up closer she inadvertently pushes her leg up into my center causing a friction that makes my heart beat a bit faster. Her head is no longer settled on my shoulder but now on my chest where her soft warm breath is now blowing out onto my breast. I can feel the warm breath on my breast as though I were wearing nothing. I can feel it contract from the sensation and see it tighten under my shirt. I send a silent plea to the heavens that when she opens her eyes it's not my night nipple that she sees first. I find myself conjugating verbs in an effort to keep my mind off the sensations she's causing. It only works for a few minutes before Alex starts moving her hand on my side. My breath stops and I listen to her breathing, it's still slow and steady. I peer down to see if she's awake but I can only see the top of her head. I will my libido back to it's safe place but it's hard with her hand making small movements. I wonder what she's dreaming about that has her, dare I say, caressing my side.

Her hand starts to move from my back to my stomach and up until she's just barely touching the underside of my breast. My heart is racing, threatening to beat out of my chest. If she's not awake yet I'm afraid my heart beat might wake her up. I'm trapped with my choices. It feels so good to have her wrapped around me and touching me but I know she's not awake. It's not right to let this go on. I start to rub her arm calmly in an effort to bring her from her sleep. I whisper her name. Her thumb is rubbing the underside of my breast. God I don't want her to stop. I have to stop her. I whisper her name again, looking down at her head waiting to see her wake up. I see her head move as she lifts it up to face me, her eyes still closed. She must be awake now. I wait, watching her, waiting for her eyes to open to show me she's awake but they don't open. Instead I watch as her head lifts higher until I feel her lips on mine. Her thumb is still rubbing me as she kisses me. Oh God, I have to wake her up but when her mouth opens I can't control my tongue from slipping into her warm mouth. I can't stop myself from moaning into her mouth. I feel her pull back and I open my eyes. Her eyes are open now and we're no longer kissing.

"Olivia?" she says as she tries to figure out what's happening.

Alex's POV

I watched in horror as I saw Olivia fall down the steps of the courthouse after being pushed by the man she just helped set free. I ran down the steps as fast as I could manage in my three inch heels. I grabbed her outstretched hand and knelt to the ground by her side. Clutching her hand I watched as Olivia's eyes rolled back into her head and closed. I leaned my entire body over her and listened for breathing. Silence. As I began chest compressions I sent a silent prayer to the heavens begging whoever will listen. I pressed my lips to her mouth pushing my breath into her. I continued the cycles of compressions and breaths for a for more cycles before I finally stopped. I could feel the tears as they rolled down my cheeks. "Please," I begged. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to hers wishing I were in a Disney movie and that my kiss could bring her back to life. Maybe I am in a Disney movie because I swear I felt her lips move against mine. My mouth opened and I felt her tongue slide against mine. I hear her moan into my mouth but I feel it even more. When I open my eyes suddenly everything is far more real. I was dreaming and now as I open my eyes and wake up I see Olivia.

"Olivia?" I say. I'm trying to understand exactly what's happening. Is Olivia okay? Was I dreaming? I must have been because I'm not outside the courthouse and I'm certainly not dressed for court. I am lying on top of Olivia though and I'm fairly sure I was just kissing her. She's okay. "It was just a dream," I say more to myself than to her. I lower myself back down and place my head on her chest listening to her heartbeat.

"Alex?" she says.

"I just need a minute," I tell her and she seems okay with that as she just continues to quietly lie beneath me. We lay there together quietly for a few more moments. Finally I break the silence. "I dreamed you died." She doesn't say anything, instead let's me continue. "We were walking out of the courthouse and you were shoved down the stairs. You fell like a rag doll. I ran to you and tried to give you CPR but it was too late."

"It was just a dream Alex, I'm okay, it's okay," she says quietly to me rubbing my arm with the arm that is wrapped around me.

"I..., can I just lay here for a little while?" I ask her quietly. I know it's wrong, everything in my mind tells me that's not what friends do, but I need to be close to her. I need to hear her heart. I need to feel her. I've never had a dream about someone close to me dying. It felt so real. But lying with Olivia makes me feel safe and chases away the fear and sadness I felt due to my dream. And just this once I want to lay here with her and forget all the other stuff, just be with her.

"As long as you want Alex, I'm right here."

I lose track of how long it's been since I work up; how long we've been lying together. Olivia's been so quiet that I think maybe she's fallen back to sleep.

"Are you awake?" I say quietly, hoping that if she is asleep I didn't wake her up.

"Mm hmm" she hums more than says.

"You're pretty comfy you know," I state making her laugh. My head bobbles up and down with her chest. I feel so safe and comfortable laying with Olivia, I don't ever want to leave this place but I know eventually I'll have to. "Did you sleep well?" I ask her.

"Um, sort of."

"Not a good sleeper in a new place?"

"Yeah, something like that." 

We fall back into our comfortable silence but it's not long before that silence is broken by my stomach growling. 

"Hungry?" Olivia asks as she chuckles.

"Evidently I am," I respond. 

"Should we feed you?" I don't want to leave this sanctuary but it's inevitable so we may as well get up.

"Sure," I say as I push myself up from my prone position. The room is cool and I shiver a little. I didn't realize that it was as cool as it was as Olivia kept me warm while we were laying together. I climb out of bed and find a sweatshirt to throw on. I look back and see Olivia still laying on the bed looking relaxed and at home. I grab another sweatshirt and hold it up in question.

"No thanks, I'll probably change back into my clothes." I toss the sweatshirt back into the drawer from which I took it.

"I'll make some coffee and see what I've got in terms of food," I say as I put on my sweatshirt and walk out of the room leaving Olivia to get up at her own pace. As I get the coffee started, I can hear Olivia rustling around in my bedroom. It's rare that I have guests and if I do they are never left to roam around my apartment on their own except Melanie, but she never goes into my bedroom, she has the guest bedroom which is basically hers. Hearing someone making themselves at home in my bedroom is strange but it's Olivia so there's a sort of comfort knowing it's her. A comfort I can't quite explain. It's a comfort that oddly enough, makes me slightly uncomfortable and hyper aware of where she is and what she's doing. I continue through the motions of making breakfast for the two of us but I can't stop focusing on her presence in my apartment. 

The range of emotions that having her hanging out in my apartment brings up is just stupid. On one hand I'm amazed at how at ease I am with her here. How easily I'm accepting of her presence when it's completely out of character of me. Despite my ease however I'm nervous that she's here with me. I have no reason to be nervous, she's my friend, it's normal to have friends over but I am regardless. I can't stop my mind from hearing every move she makes. I know she's entered the kitchen before I see her. I hear her take a seat on a stool at the bar. I know she's watching me but I can't quite get myself to turn to her, yet. 

"Coffee's nearly done," I say with my back to her in lieu of looking at her. "I'll get you a cup once it's done." Almost as if on cue the coffee pot beeps to alert us that it's done.

"I can get it," she tells me. "Where are your cups?" I point her towards the cupboard. 

I still haven't brought myself to turn to her. I'm not sure why I can't but I just can't. I can hear her getting cups down and pouring coffee into two cups. I hear the fridge open for just a moment then close again. I can hear her behind me. I focus on the vegetables I'm chopping for our omelets. She reaches around me with her right arm and places a cup of coffee directly in my line of sight. I look down and see that she's made my coffee exactly how I like it. How did she know? I'm suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. It's something so small but yet it seems so big to me. I place the knife down on the cutting board and take a deep breath. Olivia hasn't moved from behind me and I can feel her body heat. I brace my hands on the counter and take another deep breath.

Olivia's POV

The atmosphere in Alex's apartment has changed dramatically. I can't be sure exactly what caused this shift but I guess this morning has been strange period. When Alex woke up kissing me I thought for sure she would kick me out for taking advantage of her in her sleep but instead she laid back down and asked if she could stay there for a while. Of course I didn't deny her. I could never deny her a request. So we laid there, quietly as I let her ground herself and I just held her. I got lost in holding Alex. There were no words that needed to be said. She needed me and I would give her that. After a while we finally decide it's time to leave our cocoon as Alex's stomach seems to need some attention. She leaves me to get ready. 

After she leaves I lay back down for a few moments. I give myself a moment to gather my thoughts and my emotions. I could too easily let them run away with the joy of holding Alex but I know I can't allow that. I know I need to get out of this bed soon or else I won't be able to control the thoughts of what it would be like to wake up in this bed with Alex in my arms every morning. I force myself to shake that thought from my mind as I get up and grab my clothes and head into the bathroom to change. Once I've finished getting dressed I head back to the bedroom and make the bed because I'm sure Alex would never leave her bed unmade. I walk out to the kitchen and sit on the bar stool as I watch Alex cut up vegetables. She keeps her back to me as she tells me that the coffee should be ready soon. When the machine beeps I get up to get each of us a cup of coffee. I open the fridge assuming she'll have milk or cream for her coffee since I know that's how she takes it. My guess is right and I quickly pour a little cream into her coffee. I've seen her make her coffee before and committed to memory exactly how much creamer she likes, well I didn't really commit it to memory, I guess that's what happens when you adore someone as much as I do her, you notice things.

I'm not entirely sure why she still hasn't looked at me yet, my best guess is that she's embarrassed that she needed me this morning, though she has nothing to be embarrassed by. I opt against saying something, instead I stand behind her as I reach around her to place her coffee on the counter. That's when the mood shifted. I guess it was because I came up behind her and stood in her personal space. I should move. I think if I did move I'd be able to break this inexplicable change in the atmosphere but I can't. I see her place her hands on the counter and take a deep breath. I should move. I can't. I want to reach out and touch her but I don't, I leave it up to her. 

I don't have to wait long before she turns around. When she does, she doesn't say anything, she just looks at me. I wait to see what she does but she just continues to look at me, as though she's studying me. I watch her eyes as they roam across my face and settle on my mouth. I can't stop myself as I step closer to her. She brings her eyes back up to mine and again I wait. I feel her hand cup my face and my eyes close as I lean into the touch. I feel her lips touching mine, softly and gently. I'm too terrified to do anything but reciprocate gently, afraid that if I moved too suddenly she might run. She captures my lower lip between hers and gently suckles it. Before I can I fully adjust to the feeling of her lips against mine they're gone and she has leaned back into her own space. Her hand continues to cradle my face and I reluctantly open my eyes afraid this was a dream. When I open them she's looking intently at me.

"Thank you," she says quietly before shyly looking down. Before she can remove her hand I grab it with mine and bring her open palm to my lips. I gently kiss the inside of her palm holding her gaze.

"You're welcome," I tell her despite not being completely sure as to what I'm being thanked for. I let go of her palm and step out of her space, settling my hip against the counter and grabbing my coffee cup. I have to pull myself away from her, give myself a little distance to keep from asking more of her than she may be ready to give.

"So what's for breakfast?" I ask in an effort to give us both a small distraction. It seems to work as Alex turns back to the vegetables she was cutting and resumes her slicing.

"I figured I'd pull some of these vegetables and throw them into an omelet. Is that okay?"

"Absolutely," I tell her.

"Are you opposed to anything I'm cutting up? I was just going to make one big omelet and split it but if you don't like anything here I can make two."

"One is fine Alex. Can I help you with anything?"

"No, I'm nearly done cutting and am going to throw these in the pan to sauté while I get the eggs ready."

"I'm starting to think you don't trust me in your kitchen. First yesterday and now today, you won't let me do anything but watch."

"I let you clean yesterday," she retorts.

"AFTER I kicked you out."

"Maybe I think you're better as decoration than help."

"I'll get you to trust me in your kitchen," I half-heartedly warn her. "I am quite capable of cooking."

"How many restaurants are in your phone?"

"How many are in YOURS?" I counter back.

"Touché, detective," she says before turning to me and giving me that bright smile that never ceases to make my heart swell.

We fall into an amicable silence as she continues making breakfast. Once she's done she sets the omelets on the bar and we settle into the stools. After my first bite I compliment her.

"Alex, this is great. A girl could get used to having her meals not come from the delivery guy."

"It is nice to cook, I rarely do it just for myself."

"I know what you mean, I think the last time I cooked, REALLY cooked... Well I don't really remember when it was."

"We'll have to do this again sometime, maybe I'll actually let you into my kitchen," she tells me with a smirk.

"Oh you will," I assure her.

When we finish eating I kick her out of the kitchen again to clean up, citing, once again, the cooks don't clean rule. She tells me she's only letting me kick her out because she wants to get out of her pajamas. I laugh as she leaves the room and start cleaning up. It doesn't take either of us long to accomplish our objectives and we reconvene in her living room. I don't want to leave but I know our lunch from yesterday must eventually end and I certainly have been lucky to have far more of Alex than I deserve. Who would have guessed that lunch with Alex would turn into breakfast the next day? Not me. 

"I should probably be going. I'm sure you have things you have to do today that don't involve cooking for me," I tell her with a smile.

"Just the usual. Files."

"Well we can't have you falling behind on those, otherwise we'll never get to hang out again."

"I'm sure I'd be able to find time, but you do have a point about me falling behind."

I get up from the couch and start looking for my random items around her apartment. Keys, wallet, phone. She left to get my shoes from the bedroom. When she returns she thanks me for making the bed, telling me that she really dislikes when it isn't made. I can't help but chuckle a little as I tell her that's why I made it. She just smiles in response. I head to the door, Alex following behind me. When I reach the door I turn around to look at her.

"I've really had a great time Alex. Thanks for everything," I tell her. I feel a little stupid, like I'm not thanking her properly.

"I had a great time too, but the thanks are for you not me. Thank you for the baseball game and my hat." She smiles as she thanks me for the hat. "I really enjoyed spending yesterday and today with you." She leans in and kisses me. I'm sure I've died and gone to heaven. Alex has kissed me three times today, well two times on purpose and once in her dream but still. I return the kiss before gently pulling back, I'm still not sure I'm completely in control.

"Enjoy your Sunday Alex, and don't work too hard," I tell her before turning the doorknob and stepping out of her apartment.

"See you later Olivia."

And with that I head towards the elevator, waiting to hear the door lock before pushing the button.

Alex's POV

I shut the door and lock it as Olivia walks away. I didn't really want her to leave but I know that both of us have things we have to do. I allow myself only a moment or two to reflect on our lunch turned sleep-over. Being with Olivia is so easy. I didn't realize I was capable of relaxing with anyone the way I do with her. I was perfectly content having her here just hanging out as I cooked dinner last night and breakfast this morning. I also didn't realize she has the effect on me that she has. I kissed her this morning. Not just once, not just accidentally, but three times. Twice on purpose. I know it's not what I should be doing but I did it anyway and it felt nice. Nice enough that I kissed her goodbye too. I'm not sure what came over me. There's something about Olivia. I don't know that I'm ready to really figure out why I feel different about her than I do about anyone else, but I am willing to admit that there's something about her. Something that maybe, just maybe I want to get to know more of.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another meal with Olivia and another discussion, Alex is trying so hard to figure herself out.

Chapter 12

Olivia's POV

As I walk home from Alex's I let myself entertain the idea that maybe Alex wants something more than just friendship with me. There's no way to be certain but after this morning when she chose to kiss me twice I can't help but wonder if the impossible is, in fact, possible. There was something about the way she kissed me in her kitchen. It was something real and honest and I can't help but hope she felt it too. As I walk home I vow that if she is open to the idea of us, then I will do anything in my power to make it easier on her. I know I need to move slowly with Alex--to take my time wooing her, if wooing is what she wants or needs. 

The realist in me reminds me that two kisses doesn't mean she's ready to move forward. The inner voice reminds me that she hasn't spoken one way or another and to tread very carefully. While my brain attempts to speak reality with me, my heart speaks fantasy. My heart is coming up with plans on how best to woo Alex. How best to make Alex realize that I'm the only person she could ever need. My heart plans to make Alex fall completely head over heels in love with me just like I am with her.

Alex's POV

It's not very long after Olivia leaves that I already find myself missing her company, and I don't mean in that good friend sort of way, I find myself missing her in my apartment as though she belongs here. This of course, is very difficult for me to understand or even admit fully to myself. Admitting it completely would mean something that I'm not sure I even understand. It would mean I would have to figure out why exactly I miss having Olivia in my apartment and once I figured that out, I would have to figure out what that means for me. Would that mean I'm just lonely? Or do I like her as a friend? Or am I gay? I can't be gay, my family would disown me. My career would change completely, and my chances of moving upward politically would be gone. Everything would change and I don't know that I could handle that. I don't even know if I'm actually gay or if it's just some thing that's happening because of Olivia. Does that make me gay; if it were just one particular woman? Perhaps it would, perhaps it wouldn't but I know that to the public it would mean gay even if it was just because of one woman. Is that the real reason why I find myself missing Olivia only a few short hours after she left my apartment? Would it be different if it were a man; would I miss him so quickly? 

Shaking the thoughts from my head, I grab myself another cup of coffee and try not to focus on how Olivia made my last cup and how it was exactly the way I drink my coffee. Then I try not to remember how it made me want to kiss her and I did. I can't focus on those things now, I need to get some work done. So I walk to the living room and bring my briefcase full of files along with me. I settle in for a long day of briefs to look over and files for cases I have this week. And I try not to let my mind wander back to Olivia too often. Eventually I find myself so fully engrossed in my files and briefs that I don't even realize it's past 8 o'clock in the evening until I hear my stomach growl. 

Putting on my clothes to leave the house, I grab my coat, purse and phone and head down the street to my favorite take-out Thai place. I'm sure I probably decided on the Thai place, not only because it's my favorite, but because the last time I went there I ran into Olivia. Perhaps I'm hoping that will happen again, only this time we won't have any reason to feel awkward. I'm a little disappointed when I don't see her, but it wasn't as though I truly expected to see her there again. After all, how often does lightning strike twice in the same spot? As I stand in line waiting to give my order, I begin the think about Olivia. I wonder how her day was and what she did. I wonder if she too worked through dinner. Then a thought pops into my mind and I pull out my cell phone.

 

Olivia's POV

I have just stepped into my apartment after what felt like the longest day ever. It wasn't really a super long day but it started very shortly after I left Alex's; when my phone rang and I was told we had a case. It was non-stop until we finally found the perp. We interrogated him for hours until he finally called for his lawyer. We got nothing out of him during the hours we interrogated him, he just wanted to screw around with us as much as he could until he lawyered up. Once his lawyer showed up and took his client, the captain sent us home. 

So here I stand, in my empty apartment wondering what the heck I'm going to eat when I hear from phone go off. Crap, I think, they're calling us back in. But when I look at the name on my phone I'm pleasantly surprised. I unlock the phone and read the message Alex has sent me.

What are you doing right now?

I respond.

I just walked in the door, long day. How about you?

I start to look through my take-out menus to see what I fee like tonight while I wait for a response from Alex. It's not too long before my phone beeps again with a message from Alex.

Mine was pretty boring, just file after file. Worked through lunch and nearly through dinner.

I start tapping out a new message to Alex.

I was just thinking about what I should do for dinner. I'm open to suggestions and help ;) 

Beep Beep. A new message comes just moments after I sent her my last text. 

I suggest you open the door. *knock knock*

Just then there's a knock at the door and I smile, assuming it's Alex. I peek through the peephole just to be safe and sure enough there is Alex, smiling and holding onto a very big brown bag. I open the door to let her in and as she walks past me a whiff of something wonderful smelling enters my nose. It smells like it could be Pad Thai which if it is, suddenly sounds perfect.

"You might want to shut the door Olivia," Alex says to me as I have not yet moved from the front door. After I shut the door I follow the smell of Alex's perfume and the brown bag of food and find her in the kitchen going through my cupboards.

"If that's Thai food in there Alex, and it's for me, I might just have to kiss you," I say jokingly.

Alex turns away from the cupboard with two plates and sets them down on the counter. She looks at me intently and with what I would call desire and says to me, "Then I suggest you get over here and do just that before our dinner gets cold."

Alex's POV

I can't tell you where I got this confidence to do what I've just done. I'm not sure how it happened. I was just going to get take-out from my Thai place, and sure, part of me wished I'd see Olivia lined up waiting to make an order but the other part of me knew that was unrealistic. But as I stood there waiting to get to the counter to order I realized I wanted to see her, and not just for a few minutes accidentally at a Thai take-out place. So I made a plan and pulled out my phone and sent her a text. A short while later I'm standing in her kitchen and I've all but commanded her to come and kiss me. Who is this Alex? I don't do this kind of stuff and I certainly don't do it with a woman. But here I am in her kitchen, hoping she took me seriously and waiting to find out.

Olivia seems frozen. She seems to be considering whether or not I was joking with her. I hope to clarify that for her, "Seriously Olivia, if you intend on eating, I strongly recommend you follow-through with what you said, I did my part, I brought the Pad Thai."

That seems to have helped her indecision. She moves towards me slowly and with each step she takes I can hear my heart beating harder and heavier. She's standing toe to toe with me now, her face is so close I can feel her breath tickle my face. She leans in and I close my eyes anticipating her kiss on my lips. But I open my eyes when I feel her lips on my cheek and not my mouth.

"You must not want dinner," I say to her, "that's fine, more for..." I'm cut off. Her lips are on mine before I can even finish my sentence. They are soft and strong at the same time. They are hungry for more. I can feel that, but I can feel her holding herself back so I wrap my arms up around her neck and pull her in even closer than I thought was possible. I part my lips and lick her bottom lip. She acquiesces and opens her mouth allowing my tongue entrance. My tongue touches hers and for a moment we are both content on sliding our tongues against each other's, reveling in the silky feeling of one another. When the need for air requires us to stop, we part our lips but stay close; my arms staying around her neck, our foreheads touching. After I've gathered myself I pull my head back and look into her eyes, they're dark; darker than I can remember ever seeing them. 

"I take it back, apparently you do want dinner."

"I want something," she says, her voice hoarse with passion. My body wants the same thing she wants and so does most of my brain but there's a part of me that's scared. A part of me that hesitates and Olivia senses it. 

"I'm sorry Alex, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," she says with apologetic eyes. It's at that moment that I feel guilt for the emotions I see in her eyes. I didn't mean to tease her or make her feel like she has any reason to apologize. If anything, it's I who should be apologizing to her.

"No, Olivia, you didn't make me uncomfortable," I tell her as I turn back to the counter to grab the plates I'd gotten from the cupboard. "Let's eat and we can talk."

Olivia's POV

Shit, I think to myself. I've gone too far, she wasn't ready to hear that. I forget at times, how new Alex is to this, whatever this is exactly. If she was a lesbian I'd know exactly what "this" was, it would be dating. But Alex isn't a lesbian and I need to remember that. So I follow her to the table carrying the bag of take out and begin laying the containers on the table. She's brought enough food to feed an army.

"Exactly how hungry were you when you went to the Thai place?" I jokingly ask her in an attempt to lighten the mood.

"I may have gone a little overboard," she responds. "That's what happens when you order food on a near empty stomach." 

We both pile our plates full with things from the various containers and settle ourselves in our chairs. We eating in silence for a while, both of us too hungry to talk. Once we've satisfied our hunger Alex leans back in her chair.

"About earlier," she begins. I want to apologize again but instead I wait, allowing her to speak. "I'm sorry for... leading you on I guess? Is that the best term for that?" She seems to be talking to me but also thinking aloud. 

"Alex, I shouldn't have said what I said, I know it made you uncomfortable."

"It did, but not for the reason you're probably thinking." I sit quietly waiting for her to continue. "Olivia, can I be honest with you?"

"Always Alex. You can always tell me whatever is on your mind."

"Remember I told you that my friend Melanie thinks that, while I'm not gay, maybe I'm attracted to just you?" I nod, my heart thrumming at the things that she could say next. Maybe she'll tell me she's ready to try or maybe she'll tell me there's no way she can do this. Whatever she's planning on saying, I'm on the edge of my seat too afraid to hope for the best. "I think she's right. I mean, she's obviously right, there's no denying that I'm drawn to you and that my mind AND my body are obviously attracted to your mind and... your body." 

She says the last part "your body" quietly while looking away, seemingly unable to make eye contact. I can see the faint blush on her face even as she tries to hide it from me. My heart is racing; hearing Alex Cabot say that she's attracted to me is something I've only ever dreamed of. I want to reach out, to grab her face and lean in and kiss her, but I know she has more to say so I just wait, watching her, waiting for her to speak again.

"This is so hard for me, Olivia." She resumes speaking but continues to avoid looking at me, staring instead at her hands. "I've never felt anything like this before. It's not just that this is new because I've never been attracted to a woman before, but I've never really gone against the grain; the Cabot grain I mean. Even when I dated in my younger years I never really dated the boy I wasn't supposed to date. I always dated the boys my family expected me to date. I never rebelled, never drank before I turned 21, never smoked, none of the usual things kids do to piss off their parents." When she finally looks at me, her face is full of emotions but mostly I can see the conflict in her eyes. I want to take her into my arms and tell her it's going to be fine, whatever she's feeling, whatever she has to say, all I want to do is hold her and tell her it will be okay. 

"I don't know what to do with this attraction. I know I can't keep pretending it doesn't exist, but it's all happening so fast. It feels like it was just yesterday that we...." She doesn't have to finish the sentence, I know exactly what she's talking about. "And when I'm around you, it seems like it's so easy and natural to be with you but it's also so foreign and I'm afraid at the same time."

"What are you afraid of Alex?" I ask.

"I don't know exactly. Going against the grain maybe? Being attracted to a woman maybe? Sometimes I feel like I'm afraid of everything when it comes to you, but then I think about you and I'm not afraid at all. I'm afraid of everything and nothing at the same time. I worry that it's not fair to you, I know I'm hot and cold with you. I know that can't be easy for you. How can I put you through something while I'm not even sure I can go through with the whole thing? Whatever the whole thing may be..." 

She looks away again, this time not trying to hide but as though she's looking for the answers, as though they would just appear in front of her. I reach out across the table and grab the hand that's sitting in her lap. She looks back at me.

"I can't give you the answers Alex. You have to find those yourself, but I can tell you that I'm here. I'll always be here," I tell her as I rub my thumb across the back of her hand. I know I can't tell her what's the right or wrong thing to do, but I will make sure she knows I'm here to support her in any way I can. "If you think you need some time to try to figure things out, I can give you that." It might kill me to stay away but if that's what she needs, that's what I'd give her.

"I don't think that's what I want, I just worry about what my process might do to you. I don't want to drag you along if in the end, I can't do this, and I don't want to, I don't know, tease you only to shut you down or whatever." She lets out a small sarcastic laugh, "for a person who makes her living with words, I'm having a very difficult time using mine properly right now."

"It's not an easy thing to talk about Alex. Not for anyone. It wasn't easy for me either when I started having questions about my sexuality. Having a strong command of the English language does not make the whole process easier. It's not about saying the right or wrong words, it's about what you're feeling and that's rarely easy; talking about feelings. What do you think you want Alex?" She looks down at our joined hands and unconsciously I hold my breath, waiting for her next words.

She raises her eyes from our hands and looks me directly in the eyes. "You," she says and I release the breath I was holding. "I think I want you. But I don't want to hurt you. What if I can't do this? What if I can't be in a relationship with you? I wouldn't be able to stand it if I caused you pain. Or what if something happens and I lose you as a friend? What if..." 

I lean across the table, taking her face in my hands and kiss her; cutting off any other questions she has. I feel her lips moving against mine and hear her sigh into the kiss. The kiss is tender and soft, I try to convey my emotions to her through the kiss; hoping she understands that I don't care. Hoping she understands that all I want is her. I slowly break the kiss and rest my forehead against hers. We sit there quietly her face in my hands, foreheads touching until I reluctantly lean back. I move my hands to hers, holding them as I look her in the eyes.

"Alex, I think you know how I feel about you but in case you don't let me tell you. I like you a lot. I'm attracted to you in every possible way. You're beautiful of course, but not just on the surface, your heart and mind are so beautiful and ridiculously attractive. I won't lie and tell you that if we tried this and it went wrong I wouldn't be devastated but if you want to try then I want to as well. It's true, it's a risk, but I think in the long run, it's a small risk. I understand your concerns, your worries about hurting me, about what a life would be like if you were dating a woman, but I think that even if you can't do this, even if it didn't work out, you wouldn't lose my friendship. And I'm a big girl, I know what I'm risking, I know being hurt is a possibility but I know you, and I know you'd never do something to hurt me on purpose. I want to try if you do."

Alex leans in and kisses me softly and gently on the lips. She's only inches from my face when she breaks the kiss and raises her blue eyes to mine, "I want to try, I can't promise it'll be easy, but I want to try."


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia officials asks Alex out on a date.

Chapter 13

Alex's POV  
"I want to try, I can't promise it'll be easy, but I want to try." After Olivia's mini-speech, nothing was going to stop me from saying those words because, the truth is, I really do want to try. I realize it may not be easy but I want to try for Olivia and for myself. 

With her hands still clasped in my own I stand and lead her to the couch in the living room. I sit down and motion for her to sit next to me. She sits facing me, our knees touching as I reach up touch my fingers to her lips. She sighs and closes her eyes at my touch. I lean forward and replace my fingers with my lips kissing her gently. We kiss slowly enjoying the feeling of each other's lips. When Olivia takes my lower lip into her mouth and sucks lightly I can't stop the gasp that escapes from my mouth. I feel Olivia swipe her tongue along my lower lip and I open my mouth to allow her tongue entrance. The feeling of Olivia's soft tongue against my own elicits a low moan. A faint memory of her tongue on other parts of my body invade my thoughts. Like a vivid dream only I know this image and feel was real, even if I don't fully remember it. My hands start to explore of the own volition. Beginning at her knees I rub my hands up her strong thighs until I reach her hips and the hem of her waist. I feel her hands mimic the same movements on my own legs. When she reaches my waist she slips her hands under the fabric of my shirt and wraps them around to my back I can't help the small shiver that runs through my body. It could be considered an innocent touch compared to the first time she touched my skin but it feels like so much more this time. The feeling of her hands on my bare skin makes me want the same feeling of skin under my own hands. I slip my hands under her shirt and feel her warm soft skin under my touch. I slide my hands up her sides dragging the bottom of her shirt up with them revealing her tan skin until I reach the clasp of her bra. Just as I begin to slide my hands underneath the clasp, Olivia pulls away.

"Alex, wait." Her hands which were just under my shirt are now pulling my own from behind her back. She holds my hands gently in her lap and looks me in the eyes. "Alex, I want this, believe I truly do, but I don't want you to wake up tomorrow and look at me the same way you did the last time."

For a short moment I lower my head in shame? Or maybe embarrassment? Whatever it is, I can't look at her as I recall the morning after and the shock I must have showed on my face when I realized it was her I'd spent the night with. 

"Olivia, that was..."

"It's okay, I understand Alex, but I just don't want a replay of that morning."

"There won't be, I know exactly what I want tonight."

"I know your body wants that but you've just decided to let your mind be a part of this and maybe you should give yourself some time to fully come around to what's happening. Plus," she adds before I have a chance to answer, "I want to take you out on an official date first at the very least."

"A date," I repeat, mulling the word around in my head. She wants to take me out on a date, like an actual couple. Not just two consenting adults but a couple, a real couple. The idea makes me stop and wonder. I told her I wanted to try, and I do, but it didn't occur to me that we'd go out on dates. I mean it did occur to me but it didn't really sink it when I said I wanted to try this. What would happen if we ran into people we knew, someone who knew my family? Would I need to tell them I was on a date with a woman, would they ask? 

"Alex?" I hear Olivia's voice break through my thoughts. "Are you ok?"

"Yes, sorry. You want to take me out on a date?"

"That's generally how it's done, well usually at least. Is there something wrong with that?"

"No," I tell her. Yes, I think to myself. Maybe I'm not completely ready for this. Maybe I was wrong. But then I look at her again, look into her eyes and I know that I wasn't wrong. I might not be completely ready for this but I wasn't wrong when I told her I wanted to try. 

"I'd love to go out on a date with you Olivia."

Olivia's POV

Alex didn't stay much longer after our short make-out session, if you can call it that. Once she agreed to go on a date with me we planned a day for out first official date and then she left, it was a school night after all. As soon as Alex leaves I start planning what we should do for our first date. I told her I would make the plans, all she had to do was let me pick her up. We'd agreed that Friday would be the best day for our date as it was the first day when I wouldn't be first on-call and honestly, I wasn't sure I could wait another week to take her out.

The week seems to crawl by and we get caught with a case that has us out knocking on doors more than staying in the bullpen. I hardly get a chance to see Alex, not even for quick warrant requests and even when we do have a request, mostly I make them via phone. By the time Friday rolls around I'm at my wit's end. The week had been so long and not being able to see Alex just seemed to make the week even longer. It's around 3 on Friday afternoon that I realize, not only have I not had a chance to talk to Alex, but I haven't even been able to confirm that we were still on for our date. So I grab my phone and tap out a text.

Hey stranger, do I still have the honor of seeing you tonight?" 

It's only a few minutes before my phone buzzes on my desk. 

Of course! I've been looking forward to it all week.

I can't hide the smile that plasters itself to my face. 

"Someone looks all giddy," I hear Elliot say. "So what's got you smiling so big? Big date?" He's only joking but he's definitely right. It is a big date tonight but though I want to tell him all about it it's not my place to tell him about my date being with Alex so I just respond nonchalantly.

"Something like that." He seems to understand I don't want to talk about it and let's it go.

"Well have a great time then," he says. "I've finally finished all my DD5s so before something happens and we get a call I'm going to sneak out for the night, you should sneak out too," he suggests as he packs his things up.

"I think I might just do that," I say. Not that it truly matters, should something come up and we get called in it won't matter if I'm at my desk or not, I would still have to come in and work it. Taking his lead I begin to pack up my things and quickly send one more text to Alex.

I'm sneaking out for the night, can I pick you up at 7?

7 is perfect. I'll see you in a few hours Olivia.

Once I'm home I jump into the shower. I feel like a teenager going on my first date ever. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I'm excited because, though Alex and I have gone out together and done things that could be mistaken as a date, they weren't truly dates and this was absolutely a date. An official date with Alex was something I've only ever allowed myself to hope for and even when I did, I hoped with extreme caution. Truthfully, I never really expected to ever be in this situation; hoped but never actually expected it to happen. So while I'm excited that my hopes have come true I'm also very nervous. It's Alex Cabot. The woman who, the first time I laid eyes on her stole my breath from me. This is the woman who captivates me in every way possible. It's not just that she's beautiful but she's full of passion and she's brilliant. Over the years I've seen so much of her beauty and brains and I've seen exactly what it can do. I've seen the fire in her eyes when she's angry, I've seen that fire directly aimed at me. I've seen the sadness in her eyes when she feels justice hasn't been served correctly. I've seen the care in her eyes and the fear. I've seen it all and that's why I fell in love with her. Sure she was absolutely gorgeous, but I didn't fall for her because of that. I fell for her because of who she is. And because I love her, I'd do anything she asked; even take a chance with my own heart. She and I both know there's a risk in dating her since she doesn't know if this is a life she can live, but she doesn't know how much I love her and how that love makes me willing to try to be whatever she needs. Maybe this will end with heartbreak, but if there's even a glimmer of a chance it won't, well there was no way I was going to pass up that chance. 

By the time I've showered and gotten myself ready it's just about time for me to leave to pick up Alex. It didn't really take me that long to style my hair or to put on my makeup but picking something to wear was a considerably longer process. I might have tried on every possible outfit combination in my entire closet before I finally decided on dark navy cocktail dress and black stiletto heels. I take one last look in the mirror inspecting myself for what feels like the 400th time tonight. My hair is down with a slight curl to the ends. I opted for a more natural look for my makeup tonight; just a little eyeshadow and a light pink lipstick. My dress is a simple cocktail dress though with the low cut neckline which creates a v in the perfect spot down my chest, showing just the right amount of cleavage. It's more cleavage than I show generally but it's still mostly family friendly. The back of the dress is a near duplicate of the front of the dress, dipping down my back to end in a v midway down my back. The dress is shorter than I would normally wear but tonight I don't seem to care that it cuts off about 4 inches above my knees. Tonight I want to feel like I look good. Tonight I want to look good for myself and for Alex.

Alex's POV

With my hair and makeup done I'm standing in front of my closet trying my hardest to pick out an outfit to wear. Tonight I've chosen to wear my hair up in a simple french twist. I'm wearing a little more makeup than usual and have chosen to try a darker shade of red lipstick than I usually wear; Melanie always insists that I wear red lipstick whenever we go out and while she would have no idea if I actually have or not, I still choose the red. Something about the red lipstick gives me the extra boost of confidence I feel I need. Tonight is the first official date with Olivia and I'm nervous about it. I know we've spent time together in what could be considered dates but they've never been something official. Making it official has my nerves on edge and I want everything to be perfect for Olivia. So I went with the red lipstick and red heels that always make me feel invincible whenever I wear them. But now I'm standing in front of my closet at a loss as to what I should wear to go with my confidence building lipstick and heels. I finally decide on a sleeveless red cocktail dress that stops just above my knees. The front of the dress is simple with a scooped neckline nothing too spectacular, but the reason I bought the dress was because I loved the back of the dress. The back has an diamond shaped opening with intricate laced edging that buttons at the nape of my neck which is the top of the open diamond. The bottom of the cut out reaches just above the base of my spine. The side points of the diamond reach all the way to the edge of my sides, creeping towards the front of the dress leaving most of my back completely bare. 

As I take in my appearance to ensure everything looks perfect the house phone rings. I have no doubts it's Larry the doorman calling to tell me I have a visitor. I answer and ask him to allow her up to my apartment. As I wait for Olivia to arrive my nervousness and excitement returns and I find myself anxiously moving through my apartment to make sure it's clean. It is of course. One would be hard-pressed to find my apartment a mess ever, much less after I spent an afternoon taking out my nervous energy on my apartment. Right now I'm certain a person could eat off the floor or conduct science experiments on my counters. After what feels like hours I hear a knock at my door.

I peek through the peephole just to be sure it's Olivia at my door and once I've confirmed it's her I open the door. Olivia is standing in my doorway holding a single pink tulip but I can't concentrate on that. All I can do is stare at her. She's stunning. She's wearing a short black dress that shows off a lot more of her long tan legs than I've seen before. My eyes continue their journey up her body. Her dress is fitted to her as though it was made for the sole purpose of highlighting the curves of just one Olivia Benson. The neckline of her dress, if you could call it a neckline, plunges down the front of her chest showing off ample cleavage and for a moment all I can do is look very intently at the v of her dress. My eyes follow her skin on display for me as they travel up her neck where I can only imagine it's her pulse I think I see at the base of her jaw. My eyes reach her lips and all I can't seem to look away. I feel my tongue dart out and wet my own lips in some type of baser response to her appearance. 

"Uh, Alex?" Her voice pulls me from my staring and my eyes dart up to her own. Even as I see the gleam in her eyes I can feel myself blushing. I don't have to look away from her eyes to her mouth to know she's smiling because that smile reaches her eyes.

"Sorry," I say half-heartedly. Mostly I'm sorry I got caught practically leering at her.

"I brought you this," Olivia says as she hands me the tulip. "I know it's a little corny, but..."

"It's not corny at all, I love tulips, thank you." Taking the flower from her hand I open the door allowing her to step into my apartment. "I'm going to put this into some water," I tell her. She turns to close and lock the door then follows me into the kitchen. After filling a tall thin vase with water I place the single tulip into the water and turn to face her. She's standing at the edge of the kitchen leaning her hip on the counter looking at me with a smile on her face.

"What?" I ask, suddenly self-conscious.

"Nothing, it's just, you look beautiful Alex."

Olivia's POV

When Alex opened the door you could have knocked me over with a feather. She looked radiant and absolutely stunning. I couldn't stop my eyes from roaming all over her body from her red heels that made her legs look even longer than they already are, to the matching red dress that shows off her long slim body perfectly. She's wearing her hair up tonight and it gives me a view of her perfect neck which makes me want to do not-so innocent things. It's not until I'm done taking in every inch of Alex that I realize she's just staring at me, my lips to be exact. I watch her tongue peek out and wet her lips. If I thought I could string a coherent sentence together I would tease her for staring so blatantly at me but I'm mostly at a loss for words thanks to the look in her eyes. All I can manage to say is her name, snapping her out of her staring. I see a faint blush grace her cheeks knowing she's been caught. If she'd only been paying attention she would have noticed I was staring just as intently at her as she was at me. I hand her the tulip I bought her, feeling a little foolish for doing something so cheesy but I couldn't help myself, I had wanted to bring her something as if to confirm this was a true date. She takes the flower and allows me to step into her apartment. I turn to close and lock the door and when I turn around I'm staring at the back of Alex's dress, or rather in this case, her back. While the front of her dress seems innocent enough, the back of her dress is anything but. Her back is framed by red lace and nearly all of her back is exposed to me. I follow her to the kitchen and watch her as she fills a vase with water and places the flower into the vase. As she goes through the motions, I can't help but stare at her exposed skin. She's got a beautiful back. I can see the tiny muscles making their small movements as she goes about setting the flower on the counter. It makes me want to touch every inch of her back. To trace the outline of the lace. To kiss the soft expanse of her back. 

When she turns back to face me, she tilts her head slightly, "what?" she asks me.

Doesn't she know? Can't she tell why I'm staring at her? "Nothing," I tell her. "It's just, you look beautiful Alex."

She smiles at me, the blush returning to her cheeks. I gently push my hip off the counter and slowly walk over to her. I step into her space and place my hands on her hips leaning into her slow enough that if she wants to stop me she has ample time. I feel her hands run up my arms and across my shoulders before reaching behind my neck and pulling me closer into her personal space. We lean into each other at the same time, as though we're being pulled like magnets. I touch my lips to hers in a gentle kiss. Her lips respond to mine, moving against mine with the same gentle slow movements. We kiss slowly, knowing there's no rush for either of us. It's not until I hear myself hum my contentment that the gentle movements change speed. No sooner do I make my soft sound than I feel Alex move to deepen the kiss. Her tongue sweeps against my lips and I part them allowing her to take my lower lip between her teeth and lightly bite down. The feeling of her teeth nipping lighting at my lip breaks whatever resolve I had to keep this a gentle hello sort of kiss and suddenly I pull back breaking the kiss before looking into her eyes. When I'm met with deep blue aroused eyes, I take another step into her space and lightly push her until her back is pressed against the counter and held there by my body, pressed fully against the front of her. I lean back in and take her lower lip and suck it into my mouth. I release her lip and swipe my tongue between her upper and lower lip seeking entrance into her mouth. I don't have to wait long before she parts her lips allowing me full access to her which I greedily take. My tongue swipes against hers as my hips push against her of their own accord. I feel more than hear the groan that comes from the back of her throat. With my mouth capturing her own and my body trapping her against the counter, I slide my thigh between her legs as both our dresses rise higher to allowing my bare thigh to push against her center, hearing her moan at the feeling. When I feel the damp heat on my thigh I'm overwhelmed and can't help but break the kiss. I rest my forehead against hers and try to catch my breath even as my thigh continues to gently push against her. She grabs my face with her hands and pulls my lips back to hers, clearly hungry for more. My hands want to roam her entire body but my mind reminds me this how I want this to happen. So I use my hands, still on her hips to help force myself physically away from her enough to separate us so I can focus on anything but sitting her on the counter and having my way with her. I remove my thigh from between hers and slow our kiss, gently easing us back to reality. 

When I pull my face back to look at her, she's looking at with hooded eyes, her pupils a dark blue but I can see the confusion beneath the arousal in her eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Absolutely nothing Alex, I just think it's best if maybe we try to make it to our reservation," I tell her, my eyes pleading with her to understand why we should leave now. Whether she understands what I'm asking with my eyes or she just knows, she doesn't make any indication either way, but nods before giving me a quick chaste kiss on the lips and stepping out from between me and the counter.

"Take me to dinner Detective," she says as she smiles one of her one thousand watt smiles in my direction. I take a deep steadying breath before following her out the door. Oh boy I'm in for a hell of a dinner, I think.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So how did Olivia "know"?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys still hanging in there with me?

Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, sadly. Well Melanie came from my own head...

Rated: M

My very first fic ever, PLEASE be kind, I'm sorry if it sucks.

Summary: Alex heads out to a bar at the behest of her best friend. Her life will never be the same.

Notes: Thank you guys for sticking with me and for your support in your reviews. It definitely gives me the boost I need to keep writing through my block. As always, if my quality drops and you feel I'm not doing the story or the character justice, please (kindly) let me know cause I'm writing this for you guys who have been so supportive through this whole story. So...? Am I still doing okay with this story? I still feel like I'm struggling with some apsects so any kind feedback would be very welcomed. Thanks guys and I hope you're still enjoying this.

Alex's POV

I'm not sure I can remember being as turned on as I am with Olivia's leg between my own and her body pressed completely against mine. I know I've been far more intimate with Olivia but the truth is that I can remember it in my mind but like watching a movie, I only see it happening. The physical feelings aren't there because my mind remembers but my body doesn't, so the feeling of having Olivia pressed fully against me trapping me between the counter and her own body is overwhelming, to say the least, and incredibly arousing causing me to moan at the sensations.

I feel Olivia break the kiss and press her forehead to mine. It's a tender touch, having her forehead touching mine, and a completely different feeling to the thigh that's moving slowly against my center. The two touches which are so different but so strong have me wanting more of her and so I reach up and place both hands on her face and bring her mouth back to mine. It's only a few moments before I feel her slowly pushing herself away from me and removing her thigh. She's slowing the kiss and before I know it she's no longer we are separated and she's just looking at me. Had I done something wrong? In the heat of the moment I wonder if I've made a mistake. So I look back at her and with a mixture of arousal and confusion I ask her, "what's wrong?"

"Absolutely nothing Alex, I just think it's best if maybe we try to make it to our reservation," she says. I can see the arousal in her eyes but I can also see the struggle she seems to be having to control that arousal. I can see in her eyes that she needs me to help her; to keep her from letting her desire take complete control. Not trusting my own voice all I can do is nod before placing a quick kiss on her lips and stepping away from her giving us both the distance we need to control our urges. I walk to the door and open it before turning around and fully smiling to her. "Take me to dinner, Detective."

Neither of us speak in the cab as we ride to the restaurant. It's a comfortable silence but I long to feel more connected to her so I reach out and grasp her hand. She glances over at me and smiles before lightly squeezing it and rubbing her thumb across along the top of my hand. We ride like that, quietly holding hands for another few blocks until we arrive in front of our destination. It's a small Japanese restaurant called Rah that I've been wanting to try for a while now. I mention that to her as we step out of the cab.

"I know," she responds. "I remember you telling me about the review you read and how you couldn't ever get a reservation for a time when you were free, so..." she drifts off.

Is there anything this woman can't do right? She is continually amazing me with her kindness and awareness of my wants. It's not a normal feeling. It's strange to have someone who has listened to what I had to say and remembered. Usually when someone does do something like this for me it's because he's sure that if he does something kind for me I'll repay him physically, but with Olivia I know there's no ulterior motive. Olivia doesn't work that way so it's even more touching that she's done this for me just because. I have a strong urge to kiss her right here on the street in front of everyone but I hesitate and instead lean into her and kiss her cheek. My lips linger just a second longer than would be socially appropriate if we were just two friends meeting for a meal together. It's hard wanting to just kiss her out here in public and if she were a male date, I would. But she's not a man and I just can't bring myself to cross that line with her. She seems to understand because instead of pushing for something I'm not ready for she simply steps away from me to reach for the door handle opening it for me. She guides me into the restaurant the same way she's guided me hundreds of times before only this time when I feel her hand rest on my lower back just below the area where the fabric of my dress ends. I feel her thumb grazing back and forth against the bare skin of my back but it doesn't stay there long and as soon as her hand leaves my back I feel myself missing that warm touch.

Olivia's POV

Alex and I have eaten meals together before, though usually it's from a take out box surrounded by files for some case we're working on. Of course there were the few recent meals we've had together but tonight everything feels different. Maybe it's because it's a date and for us, that means so much more than just a meal together, or maybe it's because I nearly took her right there in her kitchen before we even left her apartment. Whatever the reason, tonight's dinner is totally different. It's as though this is the real moment of truth. As though this will be the deciding factor for Alex; can she actually date a woman or will she realize it's just not her. I try not to focus on the idea that it's possible this could be the only date I ever go on with Alex, instead I try to focus on the moment, on just being here with her. Spending time with Alex is like finding nuggets of gold, it's rare, but it brings me so much joy to be with her. We don't find it difficult to keep the conversation going, though we never really do have difficulty making conversation. We're finishing our last few bites of sushi when she asks me how I knew.

"I mean, was it something you just figured out one day and that was that? Or did you struggle with it? Did you have to come to terms or anything like that?" I don't have to ask what she's talking about I already know. She wants to know what it was like when I realized I preferred women to men. "I don't mean to pry, you don't have to answer if you don't want to Olivia."

"It's okay Alex, I don't mind," I assure her. "I think I'm lucky in that regard," I begin. "Growing up I didn't really have time for dating. I spent a lot of time at home because that's where my mom wanted me to be, 'directly home after school Olivia' she would tell me. She never really wanted me around though, so really she just wanted me in my room. So I didn't really get to date much, at all. It wasn't until college that I started meeting people who were romantically interested in me. My first boyfriend was a junior when I was a freshman and I was enamored with him. Looking back I'm sure it's because he was the first person to show interest in me and so I soaked that feeling up. I couldn't get enough of feeling wanted, so our relationship progressed based more on that than for any other reason. The first time we were together I remember feeling uncomfortable because we hadn't been dating for too long before he wanted to make it more physical. I went with it though because that's what he wanted and I wanted him to be happy with me. It was, like many first times for women, uncomfortable and awkward but as time went on I got used to it, my body adjusted and we would do what any couple would do. We'd have sex. Eventually we broke up, he moved away after graduating. I dated other guys during the next few years and of course sex was a part of dating. Sometimes it was really bad sex and other times it was good but it never felt one hundred percent perfect. It always felt like something was missing or off. Then one day I met this girl in one of my lab classes. We had a great connection, hit it off as friends immediately. We hung out together all the time. It got to the point that my boyfriend at the time started to get insecure. He would tell me how she was 'just a dyke' trying to get into my pants. The idea was absurd to me, she wasn't trying to get into my pants she was my best friend and that was all. Plus I didn't even think she was gay, we'd never spoken about that and she never really dated anyone so I just assumed she was happily single and straight. But she became a point of contention in our relationship and eventually I ended up breaking it off with him.

"Because of her?"

"Yes and no. Yes, in the sense that I didn't want to be with someone who seemed so intolerant of someone who might or might not be a lesbian. But no, I didn't break up with him to be with her or anything like that." Alex just watches me and nods, waiting for me to continue. "After I broke up with Tom, Sarah and I spent even more time together, we became inseparable. Eventually she took me to a gay bar with her one night, that was the only time her sexuality was brought up. I mean if you consider bringing your best friend to a gay bar as bringing up one's sexuality."

"So you were friends with her for, I'm guessing a rather long time and that whole time you had no idea what her sexuality was?"

"You had no idea what mine was and we've worked together for a very long time," I respond. "Plus, sexuality tends to be a face-value sort of thing. If no one talks about it, everyone just assumes that they're straight. I think it's pretty rare to sit down with friends and just say, 'hey, I'm gay' or 'hey, I'm straight' unless there's an actual reason to bring it up."

"Yes, I suppose you're right. So she brought you to a gay bar and..." Alex prompts me to continue.

"And she almost immediately ditched me because she saw a girl she just had to meet." I can't help but laugh as I remember that night. "There I was, sitting at the bar, in a gay bar, that I'd never been to before and that I only went to because my best friend had asked me to go with her and then within five minutes she'd left me on my own."

"I know the feeling, Melanie tends to leave me at bars too."

"Well, I'm glad she did," I tell her. She smiles back at me and I swear I see a faint blush on her fair cheeks. "Anyway, it wasn't long before a rather kind but very butch woman started to not so subtly hit on me. Before I could formulate a response to tell her I wasn't interested the bartender showed up and asked the butch woman to stop hitting on her girlfriend. When the woman left the bartender told me that woman was always trying to hit on the pretty girls and rarely took the first 9 no's for an answer. It was a slow night at the bar that night so the bartender spent most of the night chatting with me. At the end of the night she kissed me and asked for my number. The moment her lips touched mine it was like a flip had been switched. I knew immediately what had been missing all those years with my ex-boyfriends. They weren't women. And for me, it was as easy as that. All it took was a kiss from a pretty woman to know what felt right. To know that THAT felt right. And the rest is history."

Alex just looks at me, as though she's contemplating something. "It was just that simple?" she asks when she finally speaks.

"It was, but I'm lucky. I know that more often than not, that most people struggle to come to terms with their sexuality and that most people don't just get a kiss and think, 'okay, I'm gay.'"

"I wish more people had that sort of experience, like you did," she says with a small smile that hints at just a bit of sadness.

Just then the waiter shows up and presents us with the bill and I realize that the restaurant is nearly empty. It's just us and one other table. I look at my watch and realize it's nearly 11 o'clock, time truly does fly when you're having fun. I pay the bill not even allowing Alex a chance to argue, telling her I asked her on the date so I get to foot the bill. She allows me my small victory and doesn't put up a fight to split or pay the bill. We walk outside and wait for a cab to stop for us.

"Olivia," Alex says, pulling my attention from the street. "I don't really want to take a cab home, would you walk me home instead?"

I would carry her home if that was what she wanted. "I would love to Alex."

Alex's POV

We walk the 10 blocks back to my apartment in that comfortable silence I'm getting used to having with Olivia. As we walk together I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be able to be so comfortable with my sexuality like Olivia was. Why couldn't it be a bolt of lightning and just be okay? There no doubt that my body is all for it and parts of my mind are on that same page but then there's the part of me that's Alexandra Cabot of the Cabot family, the very straight-laced Cabot family. And if it wasn't my family ties then being ADA doesn't make it any easier. If I want the big chair I have to play the role the world wants and that role doesn't involve me dating a woman. I've spent my life working towards the goal of becoming District Attorney and for as long as I can remember that's what I've always strove for. It's what we Cabots do, we succeed greatly and we make sacrifices for that success. But then I think about the woman walking next to me. I think about how she makes me feel, physically, emotionally, mentally, and I wonder why can't it be different?

There are so many great and amazing things about Olivia Benson, things that are rare to find in another person. She's amazing at her job, she cares so much about what she does and who she protects. She cares about the people in her life. She's beautiful inside and out and that's so rare to find these days. She's unlike anyone I've ever known and that makes me want her as a strong fixture in my life. I just wish it could be easy like it was for

"Alex?" Olivia interrupts my thoughts, "You ok?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I was just thinking about what it must be like to be able to just accept your sexuality like you did."

"Alex, I wish I could say something to make this all easier for you, I can't pretend to know what you're going through, but I can tell you that whatever I can do to help you, whatever you need, I'll do it."

"I just don't want to hurt you Olivia. You're my friend first and foremost and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that."

"We've talked about this, I'm an adult and I know the risks are and I also know you'd never intentionally hurt me."

We're standing outside my apartment building, the ten block walk took significantly less time than I expected it would. I'm still not ready to part from Olivia just yet.

"Will you come up? Just for a little while?" I ask her.

She hesitates for a few seconds before answering, "I'd love to Alex."

We enter the building and have a brief conversation with the evening doorman before continuing on to the elevators. Once the elevator doors open we step inside and press the button for my floor. I feel Olivia's hand grab my own and I can't stop the smile that spreads across my face. The elevator reaches my floor and still holding hands, we exit and walk down the hallway until we reach my door. I reluctantly let go of her hand to dig through my purse and grab my keys. Once we're inside I offer Olivia something to drink.

"Whatever you're having will be fine," she tells me.

"I have a bottle of red wine, would that be okay?"

"Of course."

"You can go sit down if you want," I say to her, but when I turn around to to face her she's standing directly in front of me. She takes the bottle of wine from my hands and sets it on the counter behind me. She takes my hands in hers and steps impossibly closer into my space. Holding my eyes with her own before speaking.

"There's something I want to tell you Alex. I know you're scared about all this and I can't say anything that won't make it less scary. And I know you're worried about hurting me and I've told you that I understand the risks and I'm an adult. I can handle my own. But I need you to know that you're worth the risk Alex. No matter what they are, you'll always be worth the risk."

I can't control myself when she says those words, I lean forward and capture her lips with mine. I'm hungry for her and my desire is evident when I pull her lower lip into my mouth and suck on it. I hear her moan and her lips part enough for me to swipe my tongue into her mouth running it against her own tongue. She seems surprised by my aggressive moves and I take that to my advantage and spin us so that it's her trapped against the counter this time instead of me. I mimic her move from earlier this evening and slip my leg between her thighs and push up against her center.

"Jesus Alex," she groans before rolling her hips against my leg. I nearly lose focus when I feel her damp underwear on my bare leg. With both our dresses riding up and her leg pushing against my center there's not much to hide our arousal except a small piece of fabric. The thought of that has my hips thrusting against her leg. I know I should feel ashamed at my teenage like behavior but I can't think past the feeling of having her so close.

I'm surprised when I feel myself being lifted off the ground and spun until I'm sitting on the counter with Olivia standing between my legs. I immediately miss the contact of her thigh against me but find that this new position allows me to wrap my legs around her and pull her as close to me as possible.

Olivia's POV

If I'm dreaming I never want to wake up. Right now I'm standing in Alex's kitchen between her legs being pulled closer by the legs she's wrapped around my back. I take advantage of my position to slide my hands up her bare legs until I reach the hem of her skirt. There's nothing I'd like to do more than let my hands continue up her legs lifting her skirt, but instead I satisfy another desire I've had all night. Wrapping my arms around her back I trace the outline of the lace before spreading my hands flush along the skin of her back. As I caress her back I break from our kiss and lean forward trace the shell of her ear with my tongue. I continue tracing down the shell of her ear until I reach the soft flesh of earlobe and softly bit down on the flesh eliciting a soft groan from her. The sound causes my hips to jerk into her shamelessly thrusting against her. Her body responds pushing her center against my stomach, seeking more friction than she's currently getting from me. I reach down and grab her ass and pull her towards me as much as possible.

"Jesus Alex I want you so bad," I husk into her ear.

"Olivia," is all she manages to get out before I recapture her lips. I could take her right here; the urge to kneel down in front of her and have my way with her is nearly all I can think about. That's all I want to do and for a brief moment I feel myself giving in to that urge. But just as quickly as it came to me, so does reality. I want Alex so badly but not like this. I won't just fuck her on a counter, not our first real time together. So I slow the thrusting of my hips and raise my hands to her face before leaning back and looking at her.

"Alex," I say and wait as her body catches up with mine and slows it's motions. I wait until her deep blue eyes are looking into mine.

"I know, Olivia," she sighs. "I know."

She releases her grasp of me with her legs and I step out from between them and help her down from the counter. She smooths her dress down her legs before looking back up at me and sighing. I rest my forehead against hers.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to happen. You must know how much I want you," I tell her. She just nods. "I want it to be right Alex."

"So do I Olivia. And I want you too but I know we shouldn't just leap into bed. I don't want to just leap into bed with you. I want it to be right too."

"I probably shouldn't stay for that glass of wine," I say with smile, "I may not be as honorable," I joke.

"You're always honorable Olivia," she responds, "but you are probably right about the wine."

"I had an amazing night Alex, I hope you'll let me take you out again."

"Not likely," she says.

"What?"

"Olivia, you've already taken me out a number of times, next time it's my turn to take you out," she says with a smirk.

"Not cute Alex."

"I don't know, you're shocked face was a little adorable," she answers before quickly kissing me on the lips. "Now get out of here before I change my mind and soil your honor."

I kiss her once more on the lips, tender and gentle before heading for her door. I open her door and turn around to find she's followed me to the door. "Lock this," I tell her before closing the door. I wait to leave until I hear the lock click. Once I'm sure it's locked I head for the elevator. I need to get home and take a very cold shower.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex hits up happy hour with Melanie and gets some sound advice. And Olivia and Elliot join for a short drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, so we are caught up on here and on ff.net. I'm working as fast as I can between sleep and work.

Chapter 15

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, sadly. Well Melanie came from my own head...

Rated: M

My very first fic ever, PLEASE be kind, I'm sorry if it sucks.

Summary: Alex heads out to a bar at the behest of her best friend. Her life will never be the same.

Notes: As always, thank you all for your support in reviews. To abiddings, I'm not sure if I am going to stick with the POV switches back and forth, I'd prefer to switch back and forth however I will try harder to keep if from getting confusing because I understand what you mean. If the switch is confusing anyone else too much, please feel free to let me know and I'll try to step it up so that there's minimal confusion. As always, again, thank you all so much for the reviews, it helps keep me going! *hint* ;)

Alex's POV

I find myself wishing Olivia hadn't left mere minutes after locking my door. Being with her tonight was so different to any other dates I've ever been on. Olivia makes it so easy to forget all my fears of a conservative upbringing. If you'd asked me a year ago if I thought I'd ever find myself longing to be with a woman physically, much less actually being with a woman I would have thought you were nuts. How is it that I've worked closely with Olivia for years but never felt the pull that I feel when I'm with her now? How has this attraction laid formant for so long without even an inkling that it was there? I worry that maybe it's just a novelty; like some very delayed college co-ed thing, as though my body is making up for those years when I should have been drunkenly making out with girls in bars. But then I think about other women and I have no desire for them like I do when it comes to Olivia.

Olivia has awoken something in me I never knew existed and now that it's awake, I'm not sure I can put it back. I don't know entirely that I want to put it back but I'm not confident I can be what Olivia deserves. I sigh, the answers to all my questions will absolutely not be answered in one nigh, so I resign myself to a few files before settling on going to bed with what feels like a million questions running through my mind.

The next day Melanie convinces me to meet her for happy hour, though it doesn't take as much convincing on her part as it usually does. Melanie is the only one I can talk to about this without worrying about what she'll think or who she might tell, because I know she won't judge me or tell anyone anything.

"Grab a seat my friend and tell Melanie all about it." I sit down and Melanie slides a glass of wine towards me. "Here, I presume you'll want this."

"Thanks," I tell her as I take the glass and raise it to her. She taps the glass with her own and we both take a sip.

"Thanks for calling me Mel, I needed a little Melanie in my life today."

Melanie is like no other person I know. Our years of friendship allows me to always be one hundred percent free with her. There's a safety in that feeling. When you grow up in a household where socially "acceptable" behavior dictates everything you do and say then you go to law school and meet someone like Melanie; someone who seemingly refuses to behave based on social norms, well at first, if you're me then she sort of terrifies you. But for whatever reason, Melanie took a liking to me and made it her mission to cement herself into my life even when at first I thought there was no way I could be friends with a girl like her. She never gave up though. No matter how much distance I tried to put between us, to keep from this odd girl, she never gave up. After a break up she once climbed onto the balcony of my third floor dorm room because I refused to leave my dorm for a week. When she let herself into my room via the balcony door I finally give in. That was when I realized that Melanie was always going to climb the proverbial wall to my balcony door and so I stopped locking her out and instead accepted my fate of having this crazy, wonderful woman in my life. To this day I still don't know why exactly Melanie decided to make it her mission to be my friend but I do know that because she did and because she refused to give up, I ended up making the best decision in my life; letting her in. She truly is my very best friend and she's made my life all that much more interesting by being in it. So whenever I find myself in a dilemma or needing honest friendly advice, she's always my first phone call.

"Alex. Light of my life, wind beneath my wings, you need a lot of Melanie all day, every day in yout life. That's why I let you be my bestie. Without me you'd be lost."

I hate Melanie. I sigh and roll my eyes before looking back at her.

"Without you my life would be far less complicated and I'd be considerably saner," I tell her with a smile on my face.

"That's possibly true, but you'd be so boring without me. Bored! You'd be so bored without me."

I roll my eyes again at her, "I'd have a lot less eye strain, that's for sure."

"Aww you love me Al..."

"Like someone with Stockholm Syndrome," I say, completing her sentence.

"Tsk tsk, such hostility." Melanie looks me in the eyes with the impish gleam that's almost always there before her eyes soften and she speaks again. "So what's up Alex, what's really going on?"

"Where do I even start?" I look down at a spot on the table as I formulate what to say. "I'm sure you must hate that the only thing I talk about these days is this thing with Olivia," I begin.

Melanie reaches across the table and grabs the hand that's currently pushing my cocktail napkin aimlessly around the table. She waits before I raise my eyes to her to speak.

"Alex, if you have to talk about this for months straight, I'll listen. I can't imagine what it's like to be in your shoes, but I know what it was like for me and even though it came easily in the whole scheme of things, I still had moments where it scared me. Moments when I wasn't sure I could be gay without it messing up my life. Hell, I STILL have moments when someone assumes I'm straight and a part of me isn't sure if it's okay to correct them."

"Great, so you're saying is it doesn't get any easier."

"No Alex. It does get easier but it's never going to be simple." She gives my hand a squeeze before releasing it. "It may always be more difficult than the 2.5 kids, white picket fence thing but that doesn't mean that it's an impossibility. But I can promise you that it absolutely won't get easier until you start to accept this attraction to Olivia. It's scary; going against what's been your norm all your life, but it doesn't have to be as scary as you make it for yourself. You're adding so much pressure to yourself with this need to understand or define all this. You don't have to start wearing rainbows and being the Marshal of the Pride Parade, but you'll only make it harder for yourself if you have to have a complete definition before you even fully try. You can't label yourself if you don't know which label to use because you're too afraid to even try picking up the label maker Alex."

We sit in silence while I take in what Melanie has said.

"I like her a lot Melanie. I've never felt like this about another person before. She's such an amazing person. She's smart, brave, kind, generous and I can't deny that my body really likes hers."

"I believe what you're trying to say Counselor, is that she turns you on."

I feel the blush rising on my face. Melanie, never one to miss out on an opportunity to tease me, notices the blush on my cheeks and begins her assault.

"So did the good detective make you all we..."

"Melanie!" I'm sure my entire face is bright red right now. I honestly can't take her anywhere.

"Hey Alex." I turn my head and find myself staring into the brown eyes of the very same person I was just talking about as I hear Melanie burst out laughing behind me.

Olivia's POV

"Well Liv, what do you say." Elliot starts. "I think a drink is in order?"

I glance at the clock, it's six-thirty and it's been a fairly quiet day so I agree with him before we grab our jackets and pack up for the night.

The bar is crowded when we arrive so we take the only available table we see at the front of the bar near the door. Elliot orders a beer and I order a glass wine. We sit in a silence we're used to with each other while we wait for our drinks to arrive. Once our drinks arrive Elliot takes a large gulp of his beer before setting it down on the table and folding his hands in front of him.

"So Alex," he says.

"Alex," I repeat.

"How's it going with her?"

"It's going well, I think." I take a pause before sighing and continuing. "I'm not really sure, to be honest. Even before there was an official date there was definitely something there but it's tough because things will be progressing and then we'll both remember that this is new for her and then one or both of us will slam on the breaks. It's just a lot of stop and go and that's never much fun ,especially when you just want to go. But it's going fine I think. She hasn't run screaming from me yet so that's a positive." I try to make a joke of it but the honest truth is that it's a concern for me; that at some point she's going to decide she doesn't want to try this, or it's too hard, or I'm just not worth the risk.

"Liv, she's be an idiot to run screaming from you," Elliot tells me with genuine care in his eyes. "We've both watched her work Liv, she's no idiot."

I can only hope he's right. I change subjects and soon he's telling me about all the various types of chaos happening at home, taking my mind off of Alex for the time being. It's not long before the wine has me excusing myself to run to the restroom. I weave my way to the back of the bar to the restroom. A few tables before the hallway to the restroom I see Alex sitting at a table with the woman I recognize from the night in the bar; Alex's friend Melanie. Suddenly I hear Alex squeal her friend's name loudly as I approach the two women.

"Hey Alex."

Alex turns to me and I notice her face and neck are a bright shade of red and I hear her friend Melanie laughing and suddenly I feel like I've missed a very big joke.

"Olivia?!" Alex's voice comes out in a high-pitched squeak very similar to the same squeal I heard come from her mouth moments before only when she says my name she sounds far more surprised than when she said her friend's name.

"I... we... Uhh, what are you doing here?"

"Elliot and I decided to come in for a drink," I say to her before leaning over and introducing myself to her friend. "Hi, I'm Olivia." I reach around Alex, leaning over the back of her chair to shake Melanie's already extended hand.

"Yes, you're the Detective from the bar," Melanie says giving my hand a firm shake. "I'm Melanie. The competition."

"Melanie," Alex says with a warning tone I've heard before in her voice.

"Oh Alex, relax, she knows I'm probably kidding," Melanie says back as she laughs. "So Detective Olivia, where's this friend of yours Elliot? Why don't you both come and join us?"

"Uhh," I look to Alex to see if she seems uncomfortable with me joining her but I can't really make anything out in her facial expression. "You know, I was just heading to the restroom, I should probably check with Elliot to see if he has to go home or anything so..."

"You both should join us Olivia," Alex says, interrupting my reasoning. "If you're both planning on being here for a little longer that is."

"Ok. I'll just run to the restroom and then get El."

"Ok, great! We'll be here Detective Olivia," Melanie responds.

I quickly use the restroom and head back to our table and tell Elliot about running into Alex and her friend and their invite to join them.

"Sure," he responds as he sets enough money to cover our bill down on the table. "Let's go," he says before gesturing for me to lead the way.

We approach Alex's booth and for a brief moment I'm not sure which seat I should be taking. Do I slide into the booth on the same side as Alex or do I sit on the side with her friend? Before too long passes and I look too awkward Melanie pats the spot next to her offering the seat to Elliot. Decision made for me, I slide in next to Alex smiling at her briefly before looking across the table where Melanie and Elliot are introducing themselves.

Melanie is a firecracker I realize after just a short time in her presence. I can't help but wonder how it is that Melanie and Alex became friends, they seem so different from each other. Where Alex is generally reserved and serious, Melanie doesn't seem to have a serious bone in her body and is definitely not reserved. Currently she has Elliot and Alex laughing at some story from her college years involving a spring break adventure in Cancun. I take the time to watch Alex. She looks so relaxed and happy. Melanie brings out a completely different Alex than the ADA Alexandra Cabot that Elliot and I work with and I can't help but wonder if Alex was different in her younger years, back when she met Melanie. Or maybe Melanie has the secret key to unlocking this other side of Alex that's sitting next to me so carefree and at ease.

"And that is the very last time I mix those stupid chocolate liqueur-filled bottles and free Mai Tais," Melanie finishes her story making the others at the table laugh out loud. I'm sure I would be laughing along if I hadn't been so focused on Alex that I didn't listen to the story at all. Elliot begins telling a story of his own about spring break and I feign attention as best I can but I can't stop myself from stealing looks at Alex.

Alex is beautiful any way you throw the dice but seeing her in this atmoshpere, hearing her laughter and seeing her easy smiles takes her beauty to another level. Sitting next to her and watching her smile, being privilege to this side of her makes me want to pull her to me and kiss her until she can't remember her name. It makes me want things I have no business wanting. She must feel my eyes on her because she looks at me saying nothing but raising a single eyebrow at me. I just smile and turn my head back across the table and listen to Elliot as he continues his spring break story. Instead of a getting a smile back from Alex I find myself with something even better. I feel her warm hand on the top of my thigh. She rubs her thumb against my leg and I'm sure that everyone in the room must be able to hear my heart as it hammers in my chest. It's a simple touch but it has my heart racing nonetheless. If I wanted to kiss her senseless to begin with, this only adds fuel to that fire.

"Well ladies," Elliot says and I feel Alex's hand leave my thigh. I miss the feeling of her hand instantly but try to hide my disappointment. "I think it's about time for me to leave, Kathy'll kill me if I don't get home to help get the kids down."

"Shit," Melanie says as she looks at her watch. "I had no idea it was already 7:30, I'm supposed to meet up with a girl in a half an hour. Hey Detective Olivia, do me a favor?"

"Sure, what can I do?"

"Can you make sure my girl makes it home safe and sound?" She smiles briefly at Alex before making eye contact with me.

"Absolutely," I respond sincerely. I would have made sure Alex made it home safe without the request but I suspect this was Melanie's way of making sure I know how important Alex is to her.

Elliot drops money on the table to cover the bill again before denying any of us the chance to pay it ourselves. He tells us we can cover it the next time before saying goodbye to the three of us. Melanie is sliding out of the booth and I slide myself out as well so that Alex can get up and say goodbye to her friend. Before Alex is fully out of the booth, Melanie pulls me into a hug telling me how nice it is to meet me. I repeat the sentiment. Once Melanie has me close enough for just me to hear she whispers in my ear.

"You know what I'm required to say as Alex's best friend so I won't say it but know I take my best friend's heartbreaks very seriously."

I nod before quickly responding, "I take her heart very seriously too."

Melanie pulls away from me and holds me at arm's length while she looks me in the eyes; studying what she sees in them. Once she's satisfied, she nods and releases me. She grabs Alex in a tight hug and Alex hugs her back just as tight.

"I love you Al," I hear Melanie say.

"I love you to Mel. Have fun tonight, stay out of trouble," Alex jokes as she releases Melanie from her hug.

"Try getting into some trouble Al, it's a lot of fun." Melanie winks at Alex and before Alex can respond Melanie is making her way through the crowd and out the door.

I turn to Alex and see the blush coloring her cheeks, notice she won't fully look at me. "She's the embarrassing sibling I never wanted," she says to me.

I smile at her even though she's not completely looking at me. "So Alex, are you ready for me to get you home safe like I promised?"

"You don't actually have to take me home if you have somewhere else you need to be, I can get myself home fine."

"I know you can Alex, but I would hate for Melanie to find out I didn't walk you home, I'm sure I'd be in deep trouble with her if she ever found out," I tell her with a smile.

"Well, would you like to join me for dinner then? I was just going to grab something on the way home, we could get something and just take it to my place, put on a movie or something? If you want, that is. If it's not too late for you?" Alex seems shy as she asks me to join her.

"I would love to, that sounds wonderful," I tell her as I start to direct us towards the door. As usual my hand settles on the small of her back as I guide her through the crowded bar. Once we step outside I take my hand from her back. "Should I get us a cab?"

"Yes, a cab is probably best, what would you like for dinner?"

"I'm happy with whatever you'd like Alex, do you have any preference?" I ask as I scan for a cab. One pulls up in front of us and I open the door for Alex. I wait as she slides across the seat settling on the other side of the cab behind the driver.

"I suppose Thai would be easiest if you aren't tired of it," she suggests as I sit next to her.

"Thai is great Alex." Anything with Alex is great in my opinion.

Alex tells the driver the cross street for the Thai place then sits back in the cab as we pull into the flow of traffic. I find myself looking at Alex again, her face lighting up with the lights of the city. At some point I fully expect to be used to her beauty, I mean eventually it has to happen, but I don't see that happening any time soon. Even in a dingy city cab with city lights in all sort of colors speeding by she still manages to be stunning.

"You've been doing that all night long Olivia."

"Doing what?" I ask her though I'm sure I already know what she's going to say.

"Looking at me," she answers without taking her eyes off the street in front of her.

"I'm sorry. I just can't seem to stop myself."

It's a miserable excuse but it is the truth. She doesn't say anything, instead she looks down at my hands sitting in my lap and takes my left one in her right and pulls it into her lap. She looks up at my face and I watch her eyes glance down at my lips before back up to my eyes. I wait for her to see if she will make a move. Though I truly want her to lean into me she just smiles at me before turning back to the street in front of us. Even though it's not exactly what I want, I want to have her lips on mine, I still can't stop the stupid smile that appears on my face. I'm certain I must look like a complete idiot but I can't seem to care. We ride in silence holding hands, me with a stupid smile on my face, until we reach our destination.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, sadly. Well Melanie came from my own head...

Rated: M

My very first fic ever, PLEASE be kind, I'm sorry if it sucks. It's been like, literal years since I picked this back up and if you're still with me, you're amazing. Because it's been so long I feel like this is the first time I've ever written so please continue to be kind because I feel like this hiatus made me an even worse writer. Also I was going to just finish the whole story then upload it but as I wrote these last two chapters I truly feel like they suck and if they suck I don't want to continue writing crappy chapters only to upload a finished shite story, so I'm uploading these two and you guys have to tell me (kindly please) if they suck, because if they do, I'll need to figure out how to make future chapters suck less. I tried guys, I really did but please be nice it they're terrible. PS I do all this on my mobile devices so nothing ever edits over in the italics or bold that I want, I'm sorry, texts are supposed to be in italics as are internal thoughts...

Summary: Alex heads out to a bar at the behest of her best friend. Her life will never be the same.

Olivia's POV

We arrive at Alex's and she immediately heads to the kitchen and begins unpacking our dinner. She has her back to me and I can't help my desire to have her in my arms, so I walk up behind her and hope I'm not overstepping as I slowly reach my arms around her, giving her time to see and feel me. When I feel no movement from her to stop me I fully wrap my arms around her waist and step into her, pressing my front against her back. She stops her movements and places her hands on top of mine as she leans back against me. Alex leans her head back, resting it on my shoulder before tilting her face to me and looking up.

"Hi," she says with a relaxed smile on her face.

"Hi," I answer back before pulling my eyes from her own and sweeping them over her face before letting them settle on her lips for a moment. I look back to her eyes and find them closed, seemingly content in my arms. Like so many other urges I've had tonight, I can't stop myself from reaching my left hand up to her face and gently stroking my fingers down her right cheek, down her chin and down the side of her neck to her collarbone. My eyes follow my hand until they reach her collarbone. I gently retrace my path back up her neck with my whole hand, caressing the column of her neck until I reach her chin again. I tear my eyes away from the slow perusal of her face and neck as they settle back on her lips which are now slightly parted with small puffs of breath passing through them. Even as I focus on her lips I can see her chest rising and falling heavily from the corner of my eye. I slowly move her chin, tilting it closer to me as I lean towards her with my own. Just as I'm about to touch my lips to hers I feel her pulling herself away but before I have a chance to be disappointed she spins in my arms facing herself to me. Her hands link together at the back of my neck as she looks me in the eyes with a smile one her face.

"This is much more comfortable," she says before pulling me to her and touching our lips together.

It's a soft and gentle kiss; it's like melting chocolate against my lips. It's perfect. It's the exact kiss I've been wanting to give her all night long. I hope I can convey to Alex through this kiss that I don't want to simply fall into bed with her, but rather that I care about her. Instead of deepening the kiss I keep it gentle, letting our lips dance together and enjoy the simple feeling of having Alex in my arms; her body pressed against mine as our lips speak the words we may both be too afraid to speak out loud. We kiss for what feels like forever and yet not long enough at the same time when Alex eventually pulls away before resting her forehead against mine and speaking.

"Wow," she says slightly breathless.

"I've been wanting to do that for hours," I tell her equally breathless.

"Well maybe I should make you wait like that more often," she answers jokingly.

"Not too long I hope," I say quietly as I pull back to look into her blue eyes. Before she has a chance to respond, I lean back in and give her a chaste kiss before spinning her hips with my hands so she's facing the counter again. "Now feed me," I whisper in her ear. I place a soft kiss just below her ear and then step away from her and open her fridge to find us drinks.

After we pick some drinks, Alex suggests I head to the living room and find something for us to watch and she'll bring the food in. I open her Netflix account and laugh when I see that her most recently watched movie is "Minions". Turning up the volume so I'm sure she'll hear it in the kitchen and press play and wait. It's a mere seconds before the sounds of minions singing plays through the apartment. The next thing I know I'm being tackled from behind by Alex who is desperately trying to grab the remote from my hands. "Olivia, give me that remote!"

"Minions Alex?" Holding the remote out of reach of Alex as I continue teasing her through my barely contained laughter. She has now slid over back of the couch and is doing her best to grab the remote from me.

"I was babysitting the neighbor's kid last night! Give me that remote!"

"Liar, you were watching Minions! You like cartoons! Assistant District Attorney, defender of justice, Alexandra Cabot likes cartoons!" I continue to tease her as she lays across me trying to grab the remote from my outstretched hand. She's laying on top of me when she realizes she's a mere millimeters from my face. Suddenly she's no longer interested in the remote. Suddenly the mood becomes serious as she looks down at my lips. I wait as she moves slowly towards me until our lips touch softly. It's gentle and sweet, a tender kiss; until it's not. Alex takes my bottom lip between her teeth tugs it between her lips eliciting a moan from me. I open my lips giving her full access which she takes with vigor. She runs her tongue over mine and my mind nearly short-circuits. The remote drops from my hands and I tangle one hand into her hair and pull her impossibly closer. My other hand goes around her back just above the waist of her pants as I slide my right leg between hers and pull her body into mine. She rocks her body against my leg as I thrust my leg up into her. She moans into my mouth as she slides her left hand down the side of my body, leaning just slightly more into my body. I feel her shift her body and the next thing I know she's sitting with her back on the couch between my legs holding the previously forgotten remote.

"Sucker" she says as she holds the remote like a trophy she's just won.

"You are a cruel cruel woman Alex."

"I didn't hear you complaining in the moment."

"I think we should forget all about this silly movie that you clearly love, and go back to what we were previously doing," I tell her with a wink. She knows I'm teasing her and she knows I would never pressure her into doing something physical.

"Or we could watch this silly movie I love and eat dinner like we actually planned." Alex gets up and walks to the kitchen returning with two plates, handing one to me. "Eat, then maybe if you clean your plate you'll get a treat." She winks at me and watches as I work towards ensuring I get my treat.

We eat in silence watching little yellow characters behave in the stupidest possible manner and I honestly can't help but laugh along either with Alex as she watches or at the actual movie, it is pretty funny in that silly sort of way. At the end of it I reluctantly admit it was a cute movie, but that doesn't mean I won't continue to tease Alex about it, ever. With the movie over, I take it upon myself to clean up our dishes from dinner, ordering Alex to stay put on the couch. When I return to the living room Alex put on music instead of something new to watch. It's a soft jazzy sound; a mix of piano and trumpets.

"This is beautiful Alex, who is it?"

"It's Chet Baker, he's one of my favorites." She looks down at the floor for a moment as though suddenly she's become shy for some reason. "Will you dance with me Olivia?"

I don't wait for her to look back up to me, nor do I respond, I simply walk over to her and take her in my arms. We sway slowly back and forth and I revel in the feel of having her in my arms like this. My arms are wrapped around her waist holding her close to me as she wraps her arms around my neck and rests her cheek on my shoulder; burying her nose in my neck.

Alex's POV

I know I shouldn't have felt so silly asking Olivia to dance with me but it felt juvenile and it made me shy to ask. But I did and she when she stepped forward and held me in her arms I couldn't help the way my arms wrap around the back of her neck. I bury my face in her neck and take a deep breath filling my senses with only Olivia. I can feel every breath she takes; her chest expanding against mine. I can hear her long sighs of contentment. I feel the pulse in her neck as it beats against my nose where I've settled myself in her neck. I can't stop myself from pressing a light kiss against that spot on her neck. Leaning back just enough to look at her face, we stare into each other's eyes searching for answers to questions we haven't yet asked each other or ourselves. Finally she breaks eye contact and as though she's touching my face with her hands, her eyes roam every inch of my face before finally settling on my lips. My tongue darts out to wet them, waiting for her.

"Alex." She looks back into my eyes. "God Alex," she continues, "You have no idea how much I want you, how much I NEED you."

I wait for her to finish. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want her too, but while by body wants her my mind is still so conflicted. I want to give in to my body, I want to do all the things we've been leading up to thus far but my mind isn't ready yet. As though she's found a way to read my mind she continues, "I know you want this, physically, but I also know you're not there yet mentally. And that's okay because I've waited this long so far and I'd wait forever if I needed to for you. But tonight, right now, I have to go. I have to go because if I don't go now, if I touch you tonight, I won't want to stop and I know I'll have to stop."

"I do want you Olivia, so much. I want this more than you can imagine and I want to say forget all that other stuff and let you take me into the bedroom but I'm afraid that if I do that, it would just be using you because I don't know if I'm mentally ready. I don't know what to do Olivia. What happens if we do this and I can't be the woman you need outside of the bedroom, or even in the bedroom for that matter."

"I can't tell you want to do Alex, this is your life and I won't ever push you to do something you're not ready for, but I need you to know I'm not expecting anything from you, inside or outside of the bedroom. Do I want you? Yes. Do I want to walk down the street holding your hand and kissing you just because I can? Yes. But I will not force you to move further or faster than you're ready. I should go Alex, I think maybe some time without me in your space might help you. I care about you Alex, so let me give you a goodnight kiss and tell you I'll talk to you tomorrow."

So I let her, and she gives me a tender, sweet goodnight kiss. The kiss I give her in return I hope conveys my thoughts to her; thank you I try to tell her through our kiss. She steps away and walks over to the door with me following her.

"Lock this" she says as though it's becoming our tradition. It's only when I lock the door do I hear her footsteps recede down the hallway.

I get myself settled into bed for the night and pick up my phone, dialing a number I know by heart.

"Hey best friend, to what do I own the honor of this late night call?" It's always Melanie I call when I need to talk anything out.

"I want her Mel, physically I want her, bad," I tell her even though I'm sure she already knows this information.

"So it's just the mental stuff right?"

"We've had some great physical situations but I can't get past the mental part of it."

"What part exactly is holding you back?" Her inquiry is like Pandora's Box.

"What part isn't holding me back?" I ask somewhat sardonically. "Melanie, I just want to shut off all the crap that's been told to me for years about how it's bad, wrong, won't be good for my career, it's right... Blah blah blah. I just want to be able to be with her, completely, 100 percent because she deserves that. And I don't what someone else giving her that. I want her but I'm afraid I can't give her everything she deserves. And she deserves it all Mel. Every single thing."

"Do you really feel that way? Do you really feel she deserves everything from you? Do you think the world will implode if you stood somewhere and said, 'My name is Alexandra Cabot and I love a woman?"

"I never said I..."

"You didn't have to. It's time to make a decision, do you want to be happy with Olivia and chance what life throws at you? Or do you want to hope that your professional successes will make you as happy as being with Olivia will?"

"Damnit..."

"Think about it Alex and call me later. I love you kid."

"I love you too Mel, Thanks. Goodnight."

I send one last text before I got to sleep. It's to Olivia.

Can I take you on a date?


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17  
Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, sadly. Well Melanie came from my own head...

Rated: M

My very first fic ever, PLEASE be kind, I'm sorry if it sucks. It's been like, literal years since I picked this back up and if you're still with me, you're amazing. Because it's been so long I feel like this is the first time I've ever written so please continue to be kind because I feel like this hiatus made me an even worse writer. Also I was going to just finish the whole story then upload it but as I wrote these last two chapters I truly feel like they suck and if they suck I don't want to continue writing crappy chapters only to upload a finished shite story, so I'm uploading these two and you guys have to tell me (kindly please) if they suck, because if they do, I'll need to figure out how to make future chapters suck less. I tried guys, I really did but please be nice it they're terrible.

Summary: Alex heads out to a bar at the behest of her best friend. Her life will never be the same.

Olivia's POV

I'm just beginning to doze off when my phone buzzes on the bedside table. Picking it up I see a text from Alex. She's asking to take me out on a date; officially it would seem. Usually it's random meals or I do the asking but this time it's her asking and she's not asking to grab lunch or dinner, she asking to take me out on a date. An actual date. I don't have to think twice before responding; telling her I would love for her to take me out on a date.

Friday, at 7, I'll pick you up. She responds. I fall asleep with a smile on my face, wishing it was Friday already.

I'm not sure if the week goes by slower because I'm looking forward to my date with Alex or if it's because apparently everyone in New York City has gone completely nuts and all I've been doing is running around chasing sadistic idiots. Despite all the criminal activity I haven't had a chance to see Alex. Anytime we needed a warrant someone else was already on their way to get it. We had a few phone calls at the end of the day, checking in on each other, which was nice but it just made my desire to see her in person even stronger. When Friday afternoon finally rolled around it looked as though I might actually get away from my desk at a reasonable time which should give me enough time to get home, shower the grime of the day off and get into something date-worthy. I'm just packing up my things when the phone on my desk rings.

"Damnit, I swear to God if this is a case I'll hunt down the perp myself and cut their,..." Before I can finish my sentence I pick up the phone and answer "Benson," I speak into the receiver with perhaps a bit too much frustration.

"Detective?" Alex's soft voice fills my ear, "You seem a bit, frustrated." She's flirting with me, I can tell, I'd have to be stupid not to hear it.

"Not anymore," I tell her. "Unless you're calling to tell me you have to cancel or there's a psycho on the loose that I have to chase down because if either of those things are about to happen, frustrated will be the lesser of the words one might use to describe me."

"No psychos, not cancelling, just making sure you were going to leave with enough time to beat me to your place, since I do intend on picking you up there."

"I was packing up just as you called, I'm headed home to wash the filth of New York off of me before you get there."

"Well then I won't keep you. You'd better make sure you spend enough time making sure every single inch of you is clean, I'll know if you skipped a spot." Her enunciation on the words "every single inch" has me early dropping the phone.

"Uhhhhh..."

"Are you okay Detective?"

"Uhhhhh..."

"I'll take that as a yes, I'll see you soon Detective," and with that she's hung up the phone and I'm stuck standing at my desk with the inability to make a coherent sentence. That is until a wadded up piece of paper hits me square in the face.

"Yo, Detective Speechless, beat it, you have a hot date if you didn't quite recall." For once I'm thrilled Elliot has chosen to only slightly tease me, lord knows it could be worse.

"Uhh, yeah, see ya El." Grabbing my gear I hightail it home only slightly hearing Elliot's laughter, at my expense no doubt.

Standing in my shower, body lathered up with my body wash I try my hardest not to think of Alex's teasing over the phone just a short while ago. I try my hardest to make it a mechanical cleaning of my body as I lather soap over my breasts. I try not not to think of what it would be like to have Alex's hands washing me clean, or to have Alex with her mouth on my breast making sure to follow through with her threat of knowing if I had skipped a spot. Damnit! I shake those thoughts from my mind and rinse the soap off my body before my brain comes up with any other scenarios. The instant I'm free of soap and clean I turn off the water and step out of the shower drying myself with a towel as fast as possible. If I can just keep myself from thinking about Alex while I'm naked I should be just fine. Yeah right, sure, cause that totally works when I'm clothed.

Alex didn't specify where we were going so I have no basis for what I should be wearing. I decide on a pair of black slacks that I personally think show off my ass pretty darn well. I grab a maroon sleeveless button-up leaving the top few buttons undone, not enough to show too much, but enough to show off just enough cleavage. I decide to leave my hair down, giving it a blow dry to help speed up the drying process but not styling it, instead letting it fall as naturally as it would if I'd let it air dry, I do my makeup a little darker and smokier than I normally do for work, finishing with a deep wine colored lipstick. I take one last look in the mirror and hope I look good enough.

Normally I wouldn't be nervous about a date, but this is Alex. And this isn't just Alex, this is Alex who asked ME out on a date. Alex who is still unclear what her head wants but who clearly asked me out on a date. Alex who I've been head over heels for since the first day I met her when she came into the bullpen like a hurricane; a hurricane who owned the very land she was about to destroy. And she did-destroy me that is. From that moment on, there were women, but they were never Alex. They were never the woman whose body I wanted to worship, they were simply stand-ins for the real thing. And now I have a date with that real thing. A date that could lead to anything. I know in my heart of hearts it could lead to nothing as well but you won't take my hope away from me that one day her mind will catch up with her body. Just as I head to the kitchen to grab a glass of wine and wait for Alex I hear the doorbell. Looking at my watch, it reads 18:58, she's punctual, a little early even. I can't help but wonder if she's looking forward to this date as much as I am.

"Just a second" I shout as I grab a pair of black heels and throw them on while walking to the door. Checking through the peephole to make sure it really is Alex I'm filled with the sight of her. While it's only through a fish-eye type lens, I can still see she's stunning and for a moment I forget that I'm staring at her through the door.

"Olivia?" Her voice shakes me out of my reverie and I quickly unlock the door opening it and then I'm back to staring. She's wearing a deep blue strapless dress that stops just above her knees. The dress looks like it was made specifically for her body alone and quite frankly shouldn't be legal. I'm thinking I might have to bring my weapon because there's no way people are going to leave her alone looking like that. Her hair is down with soft curls gently framing her face. I'm not sure how long it's been that I've just been staring at her like an idiot but I finally hear her speak.

"Do I get to come in or are you just going to leave me in the hallway while you stare all evening long?"

I step out of the way and let her into my apartment closing the door behind me, my eyes never leaving her as she steps into my apartment. The door isn't shut for more than a mere second before I am being pushed against the door, Alex's lips crashing into mine, her hands tangled in my hair. My surprise at her boldness freezes me for only a moment before I'm kissing her back and spinning her so she's the one trapped between me and the door. I use my hands and push them onto her waist pushing her even more into the door with both my hands and my body. I push my right leg between hers and pull her hips down to grind onto my leg. I feel her gasp and then moan as she grinds herself down even more to meet my leg as I push up into her. I move my mouth down the side of her face to her neck and nip lightly then slightly harder with my teeth as I feel her lower body react to my teeth. I reach her collarbone and am so close to ripping the top of her dress down when I come to my senses. I'm standing in the doorway about to take Alex right there against the door and I know I can't do that. So I pull back, physically step out of her space and run my hands through my hair. I look at Alex as she leans back against the door looking very close to being thoroughly fucked and I swear, "Fuck Alex."

She runs her hands through her hair to straighten it back into place and smooths down her dress before looking up at me, eyes full of lust. "You can't just look at a girl like that and not expect her to react." As though that's a perfectly good excuse for her practically tackling me against my door. Actually, it's not a bad excuse because if she wants to tackle me far be it for me to tell her she shouldn't. But for now I have to get out of this apartment because I'm not sure I can control myself right now, because though she's fixed her dress and her hair no longer looks like she's just been fucked sideways, she's still looking at me like she wants that to happen and right now we have to leave.

"Stop looking at me like that Alex," I tell her.

"Like what?" She's trying to be innocent but instead she just sounds far too flirty and breathless to be anything resembling innocent.

"Like you wouldn't care if I took you right here against the door."

"Maybe I wouldn't" she responds with a wink.

"You're trying to kill me aren't you" I groan. "Go clean my lipstick off your neck and then we are going out for a date like YOU asked ME. A date Alex, not a teenage groping."

"If that's what you'd prefer," she says as she walks down the hallway to the bathroom. I take the time while she's gone to figure out what the hell I'm going to do tonight. I thought she wanted to go slow, I thought she needed to go slow. Has she been drinking? I take a few calming breaths trying to convince myself I can make it through this date with an apparently sex-charged Alex. I can make it through this date without letting it go too far. Because maybe she wants this but what if she's not ready for it yet. And I can't do that again, I can't wake up and see the look on her face when she realizes what she's done, or who she's done it with. Alex returns just as I finish my small mental pep talk.

"Ready?" She asks as though nothing had just happened.

"After you," I say opening the door for her.

We step into the elevator and press the button for the lobby. Alex seems quiet and shy suddenly. I vast difference from the woman who just in my apartment against the door.

"I'm sorry," she starts.

"What for?" I ask with confusion.

"For in your apartment, it's not fair to you. It's not excuse but you were looking at me and suddenly I just had to kiss you, and it got heavy, and I'm sorry because..."

I stop her, "There's no reason to be sorry. I'm sorry for taking it that far, I let my body get the better of me." The elevator dings open and we step into the lobby, seemingly ending our apologies to each other, accepting them for what they are; two people apologizing more to themselves than to each other.

We step out of my building and onto the sidewalk. Turning to her I ask her "So where are we going pretty lady?"

"You'll see," she says as she flags down a cab. We settle into the back of the cab and she gives the driver the address.

Alex's POV

This has been the longest week of my life, I'm sure of it. It's been one ridiculous case after another and no Olivia coming for warrants to break up the monotony of the week. We've spoken, on the phone a few times but it's not the same as seeing her in person. When Friday finally arrives I wake as usual and try to go about my day as though it weren't the day of our big date. I say big date because until now I've not had the guts to use the word date out loud when it comes to Olivia. But I've put it out there, I asked her out and I can't go back. I can't be sure I even want to go back. Not seeing Olivia for a whole week has given me a lot of think about. It allows me to miss her, and not just as my friend. I mean we've spoken on the phone, but this week has allowed me to miss her physically. I did, I didn't realize that I would miss her physically. But with each passing day I found myself missing the feel of her lips on mine, of her body touching mine. It got so strong that I found myself having dreams about her. They started out simple and very pg-rated. We would be out someplace and I'd reach over and hold her hand, or I would lean over a table where we'd be having a meal and give her a quick kiss on the lips. I would dream of waking up in her arms or wrapped around her. Then I started dreaming less innocent things. Things that had me waking up on the verge of an orgasm or on the end of one. Dreams where she would worship my body until I found myself begging her to let me come. Dreams where I would make her beg, doing things to her that I didn't know I knew how do to. Those were the hardest days. Those days I both wished she'd show up in my office but also feared that she might and that I'd have to look at her knowing full well that I'd had dreams where we both brought each other to climax in the most amazing ways possible.

So now it's Friday and I've already called Olivia to make sure she's not going to be stuck at the office. I may have flirted a little when I called her. I couldn't help it. I can't wait for our date and I guess I just couldn't keep that excitement from coming out in a flirtatious way. When I'm sure she's heading home, I head home myself. I jump into my shower and just stand there thinking about Olivia. I'm nervous about our date, because what does she expect, but I'm also very excited because I've missed Olivia. I know she would never expect more than I can give her but I also don't want to disappoint her. I wish I could give Olivia everything she deserves. I think I could give her my body, but without my head how is that fair to her. I stand in the shower, letting the water wash over me wishing I could be a different person. Wishing I'd never had the idea of straight being the "norm" in put in my head ever. Wishing I could be fluid. "If wishes were horses" I say to myself before turning off the shower and stepping out. I dry myself off and head to my closet. I search through nearly everything I own before finally settling on a dark blue, skin-tight, knee-length strapless dress. I've had it in my closet for what feels like forever having bought it for a wedding that was eventually cancelled and I never got around to returning it. It's sexy to be sure, but classy enough that I could have gotten away with it at the wedding if it had actually happened.

Clothing picked, I head back to the bathroom to dry my hair giving it a little light curl but leaving it down. I keep my makeup fairly simple; more than work but less than if I were going to a gala. Finally I step out to the bedroom and step into my dress. It's been a while since I bought it but it still fits like a glove. I grab a pair of deep blue heels and step in front of my mirror. I take out my phone and take a picture of myself, sending it to Melanie for approval and for a confidence booster. It's mere moments before my phone buzzes with Melanie's response which is mostly a bunch of various emojis including the fire emoji, a bunch of heart eyes emoji and "Are you trying to give her a heart attack?" I take that as a positive response to my attire and the confidence boost I need. I type out a quick "thanks, wish me luck" and grab my purse before stepping out of my apartment and locking the door.

I arrive at Olivia's nearly at 7 on the dot and ring her doorbell. I hear her respond and wait for her to open the door. The seconds tick by before I begin to wonder if she's going to open the door.

"Olivia?" She opens the door nearly immediately after I call out her name but makes no move to let me in. Instead she's just staring at me. Which is fine because it allows me to take in her appearance. She's beautiful. There's no other way to say it. Even in a simple pair of black slacks and a maroon button up, sleeveless I might add, god she's got amazing arms; she's still beautiful. Her button up is undone just enough to see enough cleavage to make me want to reach out and trace my fingers down her chest. When I finally look up at her face I'm a little shocked to see the way she's looking at me. It's like she wants to drag me inside and do devilish things to me. I ask if she's going to let me into her apartment or just stare at me and she steps aside letting me in. The moment she closes the door I spin on her and push her against the door, crashing my lips against hers. I've wanted to kiss her all week long, but that feeling was nothing compared to the feeling I got when I looked at her looking at me as I stood in her hallway. It's not long before she's switched our positions and I'm now the one being pushed against the door, her leg between mine and she pulls me down while she pushes her leg up into me. I feel her lips on my neck, lightly nipping before I feel her teeth scraping against the soft part of my throat. I hear myself moaning at the sensation of her teeth on my neck along with her leg between my own. I feel her mouth moving to my collarbone and just as quickly as it was started I feel her stepping away from me.

She tells me I need to stop looking at her like I don't care if she took me right here against her door. "Maybe I wouldn't," I tell her, because right now, I don't think I would care if she took me here and now. But instead she directs me to her bathroom to clean myself up. When I step in and turn on the light, I look in the mirror and I'm a bit surprised by the woman I see looking back at me. Her lipstick is messed up, she's got someone else's lipstick marring her like lines on a map. I wipe the lipstick from my neck and fix my own. And though I attempted to tame my hair and straighten my dress, there's no denying that just a few minutes ago I was ravished, even if for just a few moments, I was clearly ravished. Once I've made myself presentable I step back into the hallway and we make our way out for our big date. I try to apologize in the elevator, because I know I'm running hot and cold with her but instead she's the one apologizing to me. When the elevator doors open we seem to silently agree that our apologies are over. We step out onto the sidewalk and instead of telling her where we are going I flag down a cab, both of us sliding in before I give him the address and we are on our way.


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, sadly. Well Melanie came from my own head....

 

Rated: M

 

My very first fic ever, PLEASE be kind, I'm sorry if it sucks. It's been like, literal years since I picked this back up and if you're still with me, you're amazing. Because it's been so long I feel like this is the first time I've ever written so please continue to be kind because I feel like this hiatus made me an even worse writer. Also I was going to just finish the whole story then upload it but as I wrote these last two chapters I truly feel like they suck and if they suck I don't want to continue writing crappy chapters only to upload a finished shite story, so I'm uploading these two and you guys have to tell me (kindly please) if they suck, because if they do, I'll need to figure out how to make future chapters suck less. I tried guys, I really did but please be nice it they're terrible. Friendly reminder, I can't seem to quite make the italics show up so texts and inner thoughts should be in italics, I'm sorry if it confuses anyone. Also, still sorry if this sucks, I'm swear I'm trying to make it not suck.

 

Summary: Alex heads out to a bar at the behest of her best friend. Her life will never be the same.

 

Alex's POV

When we arrive at the restaurant, it occurs to me that I merely assumed Olivia eats sushi, I've had many meals with her but I can't recall one that involved raw fish. It's evident that the restaurant is a Japanese one and when she doesn't say anything about it, I take that as a silent okay to our cuisine for the night. You would be hard-pressed to find this restaurant on your basic "places to go in New York" books, articles or any other place that reviews restaurants. It's my very favorite sushi place. It looks like a something that was plucked right out of Tokyo, tiny sliding door and a banner outside with Kanji written on it. I still don't actually know the name of the place, everything is in Japanese. 

When I was younger I took a trip to Japan and was a "distinguished guest speaker" for a law event which really meant that from the moment I stepped off the plane in Japan, I was given a handler. This person's sole purpose was to follow me around, make sure I got the best of whatever I wanted and to make sure ever need I had or could possibly have was met nearly immediately. I stopped talking about how beautiful this or that was when we were out in shops because almost immediately my handler would be buying said item that I had merely mentioned based on the beauty of it. There were many traditional ceremonial things that happened on that trip, dinners, events, all the expected things for a large scale international event. Those things were wonderful and beautiful experiences, but one of my favorite experiences there was when my handler took me to her favorite sushi restaurant, though I use the term restaurant very loosely--in Japan most of the sushi places are more like bars. You walk in and sit at a bar, rarely do you get a menu, you are simply fed sushi, a single piece at a time. What you are served depends upon what was best that day. How you eat your sushi will sometimes dictate what you are served as well. You learn very quickly that to get the best and the most out of your experience at your sushi bar, you simply trust your chef. You let them pick your fish, you let them add the amount of wasabi they think will be best with the fish. You can use your chopsticks but many people don't. They say if you don't use your chopsticks your chef will not pack the sushi rice as tightly as they would if you used chopsticks. My handler explained that they did this so that the rice would "melt" in your mouth and combine with the flavor of the fish better than if it were packed tight. The chef will tell you which pieces should get a touch of soy sauce and which should be left to their own flavors. Sushi in a sushi bar in Japan wasn't sushi, it wasn't a meal, it was an experience. The place I've picked for Olivia and I tonight is the closest to that genuine experience I had in Japan those years ago.

As we step in we are greeted with a loud shout in Japanese by the man behind the sushi bar. We take two seats at the far end of the bar. I'm very lucky that this man speaks some very broken English otherwise I would have no way of communicating with him. I'm also lucky that he happens to be related to that very same handler from many years ago which is how I found this place. Somehow he's managed to remember me all these years, maybe he doesn't see too many blonde white ladies who seem to know the way it should work, or maybe he remembers because of that woman from years ago in Japan. We haven't been seated for long before a small container and three smaller cups appear in front of us.

"Sake," the chef says nodding his head towards the container and cups. 

"Domo," I respond to him, a strange mix of causal and yet partially formal for thank you, as I pick up the cups and pour a small amount of the warm liquid into both cups. I hand one small cup to Olivia who has thus far been on the silent side, simply following my lead. I place one cup on the bar and pick the third up for myself. I raise the glass, first looking at Olivia who follows my lead picking hers up, then turn to the chef raising my small cup to him. I look him in the eyes and say "Kanpai." He returns with the same phrase but with much more gusto than me and we all three take a drink from our small cups before setting them down. The chef and I just smile at each other as he begins to decide exactly what our meal will consist of tonight. Ceremony over I turn my attention back to Olivia.

"I hope you eat sushi, I'd forgotten that I never asked until the moment we stopped in the cab in the front of the restaurant," I admit to Olivia.

"Yes of course, I love sushi, but I have a feeling this won't be the same thing I've eaten ever before."

"You're right, this will be very different but it's as traditional as you can find outside of Tokyo, or at least in New York City."

"Where did you find this place Alex?"

I proceed to tell her about my trip to Japan and the handler and the sushi bar and etiquette I learned back then. I explain that the woman from back then was related to the man currently, expertly slicing up a piece of fish.

"So you brought me to Japan for our date," she says teasing me.

"I guess I did," I tell her as I pour another small cup of sake for each of us.

Eventually I lost track of how many pieces of delicious pieces of sushi we consumed, between the individual pieces simply showing up in front of us over and over we talked about everything one expects to talk about on a first date, only this isn't really our first date. It is, but we know each other pretty well as friends. So we touch on the things we don't really know about each other. My trips overseas, Olivia's trips overseas. How she knows so many languages. How many do I know? My favorite place in the world; hers. We would we go that we haven't already gone to if we had the time. All together, it's a pretty amazing dinner. But like so many things, it eventually has to end. I signal to our chef that we can't continue, laughing I tell him "no more room" pointing to my stomach. He nods his head and shortly afterwards our bill shows up. I know I asked Olivia out on this date but I also know Olivia and know that she will try to pay. The moment the bill sets down in front of us I look her in the eyes, Alexandra Cabot glare seriously fixed on her eyes. "Don't even think about it."

She pulls her hands out from where I expect she was holding a credit card and raises them in surrender. "I wasn't even considering doing such a thing," she said with a smirk on her face.

"Liar," I tell her as I place my credit card down on the bill and it's whisked away. When it returns I leave a very hefty tip before looking at the chef, "Domo arigatou gozaimasu," I say respectfully thanking him very much.

"See you next time," he speaks out with a heavy accent and smiles.

As we step out onto the street Olivia looks over at me, "That was the most amazing dining experience I think I've ever had. Thank you Alex," she says sincerely.

"You're so very welcome Olivia, I'm really glad you enjoyed it," I tell her as I turn to face her.

"We could have gone to a McDonald's and I'm sure I would have enjoyed it too but this was something completely amazing. Thank you for taking me to Japan," she says with a smile on her face.

For a moment I feel myself getting shy and look down at my hands as I feel the blush tinging my cheeks. When I look back up into Olivia's eyes it's like time stands still for a moment. We're not standing in the middle of a busy New York sidewalk, instead we're transported someplace else where it's just the two of us standing together, looking into each other's eyes. I don't realize I've done it until I feel her lips on mine and feel myself leaning into her body. It's a soft, gentle kiss and I feel my tongue sweeping across her bottom lip seeking an entrance I'm granted a mere moment later. We stand there with me leaning into her, our tongues touching lightly until I hear a "Whoo hoo YEAH" coming from a passing car. Reality come racing back and I pull myself away from Olivia immediately feeling both embarrassed and missing her simultaneously. I can't believe I just did that. In the middle of the street with no regard for anything or anyone, I kissed Olivia, like it didn't matter that she's a woman.

"Umm," I start, not quite making eye contact with her, "we should probably grab a cab."

"Yeah, sure, of course," she says raising her hand at the first cab she sees heading our way. It comes to a stop and she opens the door for me. I slide in to the far side allowing her space to slide in beside me. Instead of sliding in beside me she hesitates.

She looks down to the ground before back up at me, "I, uh, I think I'll let you take this one... Um, I'll get the next one." Her eyes leave mine as she searches the street for a cab she can take.

"Olivia, that's not necessary, I picked you up and I should take you home, or least the New York version of that, you know, share a cab back to your apartment," I tell her. I'm sure I sound like pleading and maybe I am. I can't help but feel, no, I know I caused this. "I'm sorry Olivia, I..." I don't know what I want to say to her. I want to apologize, tell her I'm sorry for kissing her in the street. Tell her I'm even sorrier for jumping away from her, for behaving as though I was ashamed because I know that's what it must have felt like to her. The thing is, I'm not ashamed of her. How could I be? But I just... I'm out of my element.

"Olivia, please," I plead, every part of me pleading with her. "Please just let me see you to your apartment." I wait for her response. If she denies me I won't push it, it wouldn't be fair to do so, but I just can't let the night end like this.

She looks at me, her face unsure, "Okay," she responds quietly before sliding into the cab with me. 

She keeps her distance though and I can't help but regret it because I know that distance is a direct result of my involuntary actions. I give the driver her address and as we pull into traffic I look over at her. She's staring straight ahead, her eyes not leaving the street in front of us. I want to look away from her but a part of me can't, hoping that maybe she'll look at me.

~~~~~~~

A/N: Alex's experience is the Japanese version of what happened when my dad was a distinguished, honored speaker at some nerdy mechanical engineering thing in China. He brought his wife and they'd take them shopping and my stepmom would say, "oh look, isn't that beautiful" and next think they knew the handler was buying them all the things she'd say she liked. She had to stop saying anything when she saw something she even remotely liked, lest they buy it for her.

I know I usually add the other POV at some point, but truthfully, A) I wasn't feeling like doing it this time, it was either going to be a HUGE chapter or this sorta short one and B) I'm not really sure anyone is out there anymore so, if not then there's no one to care I didn't do anything involving Olivia's thoughts right now.


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, sadly. Well Melanie came from my own head....

 

Rated: M

 

Okay, so over on ff.net, I got some friendly advice about my A/Ns and how they think I should stop saying that I think my story sucks, so while it's a hard habit to break, being so self-critical I get it 100%, why would I want to read something the author didn't believe in, so I'm skipping that part this time. I will answer a few questions/comments that came through in PMs and reviews from there. I too believe it's time for Alex to start to make a choice and I do think it was strange to have Olivia nearly send Alex home in her own cab but this is proving not so easy for either of them. I've been on both sides, I've loved (did I say love? Dated? I loved, Olivia is dating... ;) ) someone who wasn't out and who was figuring it out whilst dating me, it's hard. You'll see a little more about Olivia's thoughts on that cab decision. I didn't like it either. I no longer have as much control over these characters I've written as I'd like. As for Alex, while I've mentioned before, coming out for me was pretty simple, for so many it's not easy, Alex is struggling. Bear with her, they are end game, it's just a process. I want them to jump into bed too and for Alex to just accept it, but I don't want to simply pass go and collect $200 if you get what I mean. I promise though it's not going to be another 18 chapters before it happens, just please understand this isn't an easy process for either of them and I'm trying to stay true to the emotions and feelings that goes into the realization that you like someone of the same sex. I hope that and the following chapter answers your questions and address some of your concerns, story and writer related. Thank you all for sticking with me and supporting me and this story, it means a ton. The reviews help me write better, y'all are great.

OH WAIT! One last thing, I am no longer writing on a computer, merely an ipad and it's rough with formatting, getting from my ipad to the internet. It has been driving me nuts that italics for texts aren't editing in and you have no clue (or maybe you do) how frustrating it is to attempt to fix that on an ipad. From here on out, it's it's okay, texts will be started and ended with * and *. And I'm hoping at least that will make texts a little more obvious.

LORD the A/N on this one... They won't continue to be long like this I swear. Okay enough of that, back to our ladies.

 

Summary: Alex heads out to a bar at the behest of her best friend. Her life will never be the same.

 

Olivia's POV

I flop back onto my back on my bed and stare up at the ceiling before sighing out loud to no one but myself. My mind takes me back to my evening with Alex as images play out in front of my eyes.

When we step out onto the street in front of a small restaurant it's clear, Japanese is on the menu tonight. We walk into the restaurant and are greeted by a man behind a sushi bar in Japanese. This didn't look like any sushi restaurant I'd ever been to before in my life. It's set up more like a tiny bistro with a large bar. I follow Alex's lead as she walks up to the bar and settles down towards the back of the bar. I can merely watch and follow along as Alex pours Sake for me, herself and apparently the sushi chef. She looks at me, then to him and says something which he repeats much louder and with much more force than her and we take sips of our sake. 

It's a bit like being in the passenger seat of a car going to an unknown destination, all I can do is sit back and follow along as Alex explains the true proper etiquette of sushi straight from her experience in Japan some years ago. I listen intently as she tells me all about the time she was a distinguished speaker in Japan, though not surprised at all that a giant international law event would want her as their speaker. Interspersed in our conversation, beautiful individual pieces of sushi show up in front of us and I again follow Alex's lead as I use my hands, skip the wasabi, use soy sauce only when she's been directed by the chef to do so. The first piece we are presented with was easily the best piece of sushi I've ever eaten in my life and each piece after that just seems to build upon the piece before. It's not until Alex finally tells the chef we can't continue that the pieces stop arriving and instead a bill arrives. I begin to reach for my wallet before being not so subtly told not to even think about trying. So I give in, I'm merely a passenger on this dining experience. After Alex pays, she says something in Japanese and our chef responds in a very heavy accent and we step out into the street.

As we step out into the street I try to convey my thanks to Alex for the dinner. I know this wasn't just a sushi date, I'd joked earlier that she'd taken me to Japan for our date and after what we just experienced I knew for a least one meal we really were transported to another country, another place entirely where we could just be Alex and Olivia on a date enjoying each other's company. True to Alex, she modestly accepts my words and seems genuinely happy that I enjoyed our dinner. When she looks down I see a small tinge of red beginning to rise on her cheeks. She only looks away for a moment before looking back up and into my eyes. I stare back at her, because really that's all I can do right now as this beautiful, smart, amazing, wonderful woman looks deep into my eyes, touching my soul. I feel her lips touching mine, so soft and gentle and close my eyes allowing my sense of touch be my main sense. Her tongue slides across my bottom lip and I give in to her silent request, almost immediately allowing her tongue to seek out my own. It's barely even before I hear some hoots from a passing car. I don't really think much of it, as someone who has kissed girls in the streets you hear that a lot, you get used to it, or as used to it as you can given it happens so frequently, but before I've even enough to not care about the passing car Alex has pulled away from me as though she's been physically yanked away from me. It happens so fast that I hardly have a moment to even register a feeling before Alex mentions we should grab a cab.

Still a bit startled by the rapid change, I raise my arm signaling the first cab I see as I tell her, "Yeah, sure, of course."

When the cab stops I open the door for Alex and she slides in. She's waiting for me to slide in next to her, I can tell by the way she's looking at me from the far side of the cab. I want to get in beside her, I want to pretend that the first feeling I'm feeling as they begin to swarm me isn't hurt followed by confusion. It was just a kiss. Was she so ashamed to be kissing me that she had to pull away as though I physically burned her? Was it that horrible a thing, to be seen kissing a woman? I want to slide in beside her but there's a part of me that really doesn't want to right now. I understand, to a degree, where Alex is coming from but that doesn't stop it from hurting me, even if unintentional. I want to slide in next to her but my defenses are screaming, don't do it Olivia. Protect yourself Olivia. I tell her I'll take the next one as I begin searching the street for another cab. I hate myself for even saying that, but right now inside me is a war, one that wants one thing that feels like I will never have and the hurt of knowing that could be true. I told her I was an adult; I knew being hurt was a possibility, but I also knew she wouldn't hurt me on purpose. She's telling me she should share a cab back to my apartment because she picked me up. When I don't respond I hear her say, "I'm sorry Olivia, I..." but she doesn't finish her sentence. She would never hurt me on purpose.

"Olivia, please. Please just let me see you to your apartment," I hear. I finally take my eyes off the street and look at her. She's sitting in the cab, leaning herself towards the open door of the cab. Looking into her eyes I know I can't say no. She would never hurt me on purpose.

"Okay," I tell her as I slip into the cab, staying on the far side of the cab, keeping my distance from her. I know she won't hurt me on purpose, but that doesn't mean I can't be hurt. It's a defense mechanism, one I'm trying hard to control but failing at. I can't look at her right now. Right now I need to focus on not building a wall of safety so high neither of us would never be able to climb it. But I need a small fence of self-preservation right now, so I keep my distance and my eyes on the street in front of us. I can feel her eyes on me. I can't bring myself to look over at her despite wanting to. So instead we just ride in silence. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Alex looking at me, then away, then back to me; repeating it over and over we finally pull up in front of my apartment. 

I start to pay for the cab when she puts her hand on mine and I finally bring my eyes to her, "Please let me pay Olivia," she says before handing the driver cash. I want to ask her up, but "protect yourself" and "she would never hurt you on purpose" and actually feeling hurt, are still waging war within me.

"Thank you Alex," I start, "I'm sorry that I can't ask you up right now, but I just can't right now."

She looks at me with eyes that seem more understanding than I expected. "It's okay, I understand. I'm sorry about..." instead of finishing she just gestures to nothing in particular.

"It's okay, please let me know when you get home safe?"

"Okay. Goodnight Olivia."

I step out of the cab, "Goodnight Alex," I say before closing the door and tapping my hand on the top of the car. I watch as the cab drives out into traffic before turning and stepping into my building.

I've barely washed the makeup off my face when I hear my phone buzz. I look at the screen telling me there is a message from Alex. I unlock the phone and open the message.

*I'm home* reads the text.

*Good, I'm glad* I quickly send back before plugging my phone in next to the bed and laying it on the bedside table.

She must understand that I'm not up for more tonight because my phone doesn't light again after that. I lay down in my bed and close my eyes. Hours later I'm still trying to sleep, flopping over on my back I let out a long sigh and stare at the ceiling. I can't stop thinking about Alex and wishing the answer would just come to me magically. I know I told her she was worth the risk. I know I told her I would handle my own and that I knew I could be hurt but as I lay in bed I begin to wonder if maybe I hadn't believed it was actually a possibility. Maybe I said it thinking it would never come up. I don't know if I was being hopeful or naive. Maybe I thought she'd think I was worth the risk too.

I hated how tonight ended. Everything about the date was so perfect and then to have it end the way it had feels wrong on every level. I'm angry at myself for not being able to have just accepted the jump back. I'm angry that in that moment, I forgot what it can be like to be unsure of being with another woman out in public. Despite my very simple dive into realizing I preferred women to men that didn't mean that it didn't come with some difficulties. Nothing like most people, but it took a while to get more used to public displays of affection when I was out with someone. I remember the first time a woman kissed me in public in a non-LGBT place and I remember letting it happen but afterwards waiting for the backlash; waiting for someone to come up and tell us we were gross, or this wasn't the place for that or we had to leave or any other number of things. I suppose I still occasionally feel that feeling but I've learned over the years to just ignore it because really, rarely does anything like that happen.

I continue staring at the ceiling wondering if I'd just let it go would I feel better or worse right now? Would it have been healthier for me to just be okay with it and accept it or would that create an acceptance of a behavior that I know over time I wouldn't be okay with it? Or if I hadn't made a big deal of it, would she just struggle through it and over time learn to be okay with something as small as a kiss on a sidewalk? I think about the feeling of Alex pulling away and it feels more like being pushed back into the closet because of her fear of shame, or whatever specifically caused that. I don't think I could go back. Alex means the world to me, but I know I could never go back into the closet for someone, not even her. I WOULD go back in for her, but it would probably break me. I'm not sure how long I laid there before I finally fell asleep, but eventually I did.

 

Alex's POV

*I'm home* I text Olivia once I step into my apartment, I did promise her after all. My phone beeps shortly after with a short, "Good, I'm glad" response. I want desperately to text her back or call her and try to explain to her, or to apologize to her again but even if I thought she wanted to hear from me right now, I wouldn't know what to say. I can't explain to her and my apologies would just be the same I'm sorries followed by silence because, while I know what I'm sorry for, I just can't put it all together--not enough for it to be something she deserves to hear.

As I go through the motions of getting ready for bed I can't help but think back to the moment when I screwed up. When I heard those shouts from the passing car my body just went into some sort of survival-mode, no that's the right word for it but whatever it was, it wasn't something I made the active decision to do. I had pulled away from her before I even fully realized I did it. But when I did realize it I also remembered that there I was, Alexandra Cabot, Assistant District Attorney standing on a sidewalk in New York City kissing another woman. Cabots don't do that. Cabots don't kiss women in plain view of anyone. I'm ashamed of my behavior, I shouldn't have behaved like that but I most certainly can't take it back. I made it uncomfortable for Olivia, I made it weird for both of us. I single-handedly made our wonderful evening end more like a terrible first date than the way it should have ended. I was embarrassed being caught kissing a woman in the streets but the logical part of my brain knows that being with Olivia means that's something that probably has to happen, and probably more often than my brain wants to process right now. Ugh, as I flop down into my bed, uncharacteristically ungraceful, and climb under my cover I wish that I could just push all that Cabot family crap away. All the years of Cabot family members representing clients who are being sued because someone from the LGBT community was wronged. All those cases where some Cabot family member fought hard to win for the company being sued. Hearing far too many politics at the dinner tables growing up about things concerning the members of the LGBT community. All those things that were planted into my brain that in the Cabot family, this was not an acceptable choice. Next to me my phone buzzes. I look over hoping it's Olivia.

*How'd the big date go? Is it still going on ;)* Of course it's Melanie, why would it be Olivia, I'm sure she wants nothing to do with me now.

I sigh, typing out my response. *It was great, amazing, until I screwed it up.*

It's mere seconds after hitting send does my phone light up; my screen telling me it's Melanie calling.

"Hi," I answer.

"I'm sure it's not that bad, tell me what happened Alex."

I proceed to tell Melanie about taking Olivia to the sushi place, how we'd talked through the entire meal not really having a lack of anything to talk about. How we could have lost track of time had our stomachs not told us we'd been there for quite a while. And then I told her about the kiss.

"You kissed her in the street?! YOU kissed HER?? Wow."

"I did, we were just standing there and it was like it was just us and before I knew it I was kissing her, a kiss I'd started."

"So how did it get screwed up then?" She asks.

"Someone in a passing car brought me back to reality and before I knew it I'd pulled away from her and made it weird and screwed it up." Melanie stays silent, waiting for me to continue. "She nearly sent me home in my own cab, that's not like Olivia, at all," I continue. "I had to plead with her to let me at least take her home in the same cab. She did, but she didn't say anything the whole ride and I'm not sure she could have sat further from me. She didn't even look at me. She really only looked at me when we got to her building and I asked her to let me pay. I wanted to apologize but what was I supposed to say Melanie? I had nothing to say other than sorry, and I know I'm sorry, but I can't quite put into words all the exact reasons. I screwed up Melanie. She's gotta be so mad at me, she told me she wanted to invite me up but couldn't. And though she asked me to text her when I got home that's just Olivia, she'd say that if she hated me.... She probably does. She must be so mad at me," I finish feeling tears well up in my eyes at the idea of Olivia hating me.

"Alex, how long have I been out as a lesbian?"

"Were you ever in?" I respond sardonically.

"No, probably not," she states plainly. "Alex I've been where Olivia was tonight. A NUMBER of times. You're right, she could be mad at you," she tells me.

"Great," I sigh out sadly.

"BUT," Melanie cuts in, "do remember Rebecca?"

"The woman you dated for like 3 years? The one you met our first year?"

"Yup, that's the one. You know we dated for like 3 years but do you know how long we were friends before that happened?" When I don't respond she continues. "We were friends for a long time first. I was busy sowing my wild oats, sleeping around but I had a huge crush on her. She was straight you know. Still is I suppose, after we broke up she met a nice man and got married and has all these tiny Rebeccas running around. Eventually, somehow I got her to date me, but by the time that happened I was probably already in love with her. But she wasn't in love with me, not yet. There were a lot of missteps. It was like being on the local train. We'd get going and then something would happen and we'd stop. Then we'd start up again and something else would happen and we'd stop. The first time she chose to kiss me in public was at a park. We'd had a beautiful morning brunch and decided to take a walk. We were walking through the park, talking about something, I can't really remember what but she stopped me. She looked at me and just as though it was the most natural thing in the world, she leaned in and kissed me. But she stopped as soon as she heard a little girl giggling as she walked by. The girl wasn't even paying attention to us, nor was her mother, they were walking their dog and I assume it did something silly to make her laugh, but that was enough to make Rebecca pull away and take a step away from me. Honestly she looked like a scared cornered animal."

"Were you mad at her?"

"Mad? NO. Not at all. Alex I think you're not seeing it from the other side. I wasn't mad at her. How could I be mad at her for something that, until she met me was unnatural? I could understand how it could be hard to go against what your normal has been for as long as you know. But understanding DOES NOT mean that it didn't hurt."

"What do you mean?" The question sounds stupid and I know the instant that I say it because I feel a little stupid asking, and though I think maybe I might have an idea of what and why, I'm not entirely sure.

"Alex, imagine being out someplace with someone you love or very strongly care about and they're showing you a small bit of affection when they immediately pull away for fear of what other people think." I can feel my mind beginning to wrap around the words Melanie is saying to me. "For a moment, I thought her kissing me in public meant she cared about me the same way I cared about her and her ideas of societal norms had slipped away, even if for just a moment. To me it wasn't just a kiss. To me it felt like she was saying, 'okay, I can do this, I can take chances and risks for you. You're worth those risks.' But when she pulled away it was like that feeling was ripped from me and instead of feeling positive about my place in her life I felt like she was saying the opposite. 'I can't do this, you're not worth the stigma. You're not worth changing, risking, trying.' That's what hurt Alex. I wasn't mad at her, I was just hurt. Maybe that's how Olivia felt tonight."

Melanie's words hit me like a ton of bricks. How could I not see that? How could I be so stupid to think that my behavior simply made it awkward?

"God I'm an idiot," I say more to myself than to Melanie.

"You're not an idiot Alex, you just have to realize that while this isn't easy for you, it's really not easy to care about someone you're not sure thinks you're worth challenging their views or ideas or whatever. There's a lot of pain if feeling unworthy."

"Oh my God. Melanie, I really fucked up. She's told me I'm worth the risk to her, all I told her was that I wanted to try; that I didn't want to hurt her and I did. What's worse, I did but I didn't even realize it. I was so absorbed in my own fears that I hurt her and didn't even try, like I told her I would." I'm so ashamed of myself in this very moment. I'm ashamed and sorry and I feel horrible for hurting Olivia like I did.

"Okay, whoa, let's slow down. Yes, it's very possible you hurt her," leave it to Melanie to be painfully blunt. "But to say you aren't trying would be a lie. Perhaps you didn't try tonight when you pulled away, but you are trying, maybe it's just time to try a little harder, for both of you." I stay silent as I think about what she's said. "Alex, I love you but I'm about to be brutally honest with you."

"I'd expect nothing less," I say to her, preparing for whatever harsh truths she's about to dish out to me.

"You gotta step up. You gotta step up or you gotta step off. I know this isn't easy for you, and I would never push you towards something that I thought would hurt or harm you but I would and will push you towards something that I think you need to work harder at. You have to trust that you can do this and learn to accept that or you have to cut her loose. It's gonna be hell for you to push past those boundaries but if you want to keep this 'I'll try for you' thing going, you have to actually try, you can't keep doing this partial trying this. It's not good for her and really, it can't be good for you either. Simply put: you gotta shit or get off the pot Alex.". I breathe out a half-hearted laugh at her bluntness. "Take some time to think about it, but know that if you commit to truly trying, you really have to, no matter how hard it is. You'll still stumble but you'll actually be stumbling over something real, not some tiny pebble that only existed in your head. Think about it, but don't take too long, that woman, while she clearly would jump in front of a bullet for you, she won't be able to go through nights like this over and over for long and once she decides she can't she'll force herself to move forward without you and she won't stay single long. Women like that don't."

"Okay." It's the only thing I can think to say to her at the moment.

"Okay, you'll be okay. It will be okay, just hear what I said."

"Okay," I repeat.

"Now go to bed knowing I love you dearly and am always here for you."

"I love you Melanie, you're amazing."

"I know," I can see in my head her smug smile. "Night Alex."

"Night Mel."


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, sadly. Well Melanie came from my own head....

 

Rated: M

 

They're at the bottom this time, the notes, not the ladies....

 

Summary: Alex heads out to a bar at the behest of her best friend. Her life will never be the same.

 

Alex's POV

To say that I'd slept terribly after hanging up with Melanie would be gross understatement. I spent a large majority of the night flopping around on my bed like a fish out of water, which seems a bit fitting for me at the moment. Melanie told me I needed to truly try if I had any intentions of being with Olivia. I spent most of my night, when I wasn't trying to fall asleep thinking about whether or not I could do it. Really do it. I'm sure that's part of what kept me up because the idea of truly being with Olivia in a way that she deserves means changing my life and that's terrifying. 

All my life all I've wanted was to climb the ladder of professional success, putting my personal life second more than once to ensure that would happen. I know how to navigate that world. I know how to make sure each step I take is one in the direction I want to go in; the one that will reach my intended goal of success. I do not lack confidence in that realm of my life. It's a familiar and safe place for me and I honestly don't know what I do if that that place no longer existed for me. Would being with Olivia mean that part of me had to go away? I know Olivia would never want me to stop or change how I work, but would being with a woman mean that I wouldn't have the same options I would have if I were with a man or alone? I know there's a difference between dating someone and truly being with someone for a long period of time, if not for the rest of one's life. However, I don't pretend to believe that when someone who has only ever shown the world they are straight, then begins to date without boundaries, someone of the same sex, won't be seen and judged based on that dating relationship. When you change something so obvious, no matter how serious or not the relationship may be, you are judged. And then what should happen if it doesn't work out? I'm not a lesbian, then I am judged as, what? As someone who is bi? Or as someone who is experimenting at an age at which, rarely do people experiment; i.e. I'm not in college anymore. Or possibly worse, am I viewed as someone who just can't quite make up my mind and thus am labelled as flaky or something along those lines? Those are things that I imagine would be hard enough in a personal aspect but this wouldn't be just a personal level. I'm not just someone you see once in your life at a restaurant or a movie theater, I'm an Assistant District Attorney, no matter what, my life is public, no matter how small or big it might seem. And no matter how much it truly is not someone else's business, it would be everyone's business. To potentially lose credibility in the professional arena is a terrifying idea.

Then there's my personal life. I don't really have to worry about how it would affect my friendships, I've got Melanie, she matters most and she doesn't care. Either way, man or woman, she wants happiness for me. I have acquaintances but they truly are acquaintances and I don't speak to them daily or much at all. Really they're the society ladies I grew up with whose family knows my family who knows this one's family whose knows that one's family and blah blah blah. These are people I see at society functions; who if they didn't care to speak to me because of a personal life decision, there'd be no love lost. But Love. There could be a loss; a huge loss. I could lose my family. The Cabot family is like no other. Nearly all of us are lawyers--mostly corporate--and me, and a few judges. The black sheep of the family is my cousin who is a heart surgeon. The entire family was aghast when he stated his intention to go to med school instead of law school. Well not the entire family, I could care less what career he chose, if being a bartender made him happy, I'd be fine with that. Despite some of the Cabot family being spread out, we still manage so see each other almost every year for a holiday and we see the ones located closer to New York during big family events, social galas, the usual for an upper class family in New York. And though we don't always see each other or speak to each other frequently and while we seem to be terrible at that traditional happy, loving, outwardly affectionate family; a Cabot is a Cabot. That doesn't mean however, that there could be something that could change that dynamic and suddenly you're still a Cabot but only because that's your last name, not because you're family anymore. My biggest fear is that dating a woman would be the thing that did it. People in my family don't date out of the proper social circles and somehow I don't expect that the same sex is considered the proper social circle. I'm terrified of losing my family.

All night long those thoughts ran through my mind. But so did thoughts of Olivia. She's certainly an extraordinary woman, and Melanie is right, she would never be lacking a line of women to be with her. Taking her physical beauty out of the equation what does that leave? Olivia is brilliant. Need someone to help translate for you? Chances are Olivia can do it, and while sometimes it could be choppy and not entirely fluent, more often than not, it is fluent. Being fluent in multiple languages is not a simple thing and yet Olivia has done it and she makes it seem like it's not a big deal.

Melanie said that Olivia would jump in front of a bullet for me and while that is true, she would jump in front of a bullet for anyone who needed it. She has risked her own safety to protect complete strangers more times that I can count. A lot of that seems to be part of the foundation that is Olivia, but I also believe a lot of it stems from how much she cares. The fact that she works to catch people who harm others is just another layer on top of that foundation of caring she has. It takes a special heart and soul to do what she does and to not lose oneself to what they see daily. I see that heart and soul when they bring someone in who has been hurt and is scared, whether it be an adult or a child, Olivia has a way of showing them how much she cares about them, as though she's known them forever. She connects to them in a way that's deeper than just a few words; it's indescribable. There have been times when I've witnessed her turn a scared child into an animated and trusting one and have had to excuse myself because of how strong my emotions become witnessing it. 

But caring is not to be mistaken as weak. I have seen the fire in Olivia. I have seen her scare grown men. I have been on the receiving end of that fire. I have pissed her off quite a few times, of course she's done the same to me as well. Sometimes when we argue it's not just the fire and anger she has blazing in her eyes; it's the passion she feels. And I don't mean passion for me, though, as of recent, I have seen that as well. I see the passion behind the fire in her eyes for what she's fighting for, for the person she feels is being wronged. For the injustices and the things she can't fix on her own. I think she wants to single-handedly fix the world and she would if she could do it, I have no doubt about that in the slightest. Her strength isn't limited to mental and emotional though, I've seen her take down men twice her size never backing away, even when she probably should. I don't know if that physical strength came from the mental or emotional strength or vice versa, but I wouldn't want to be the on the receiving end of that power.

There is so much to Olivia, so much more that I can even think about before I finally fall asleep with her on my mind.

 

Olivia's POV

When I wake up after tossing and turning most of the night the first thought in my mind is a plead to whatever God I need to to ensure I have coffee in the apartment. I swing my legs off the bed and trudge, tired and miserable, to the kitchen, moving more on instinct than truly open eyes. I find 3 coffee pods sitting in the cabinet and send out a silent thanks to whichever God made sure they were there. I start poking buttons on the machine before placing a pod in the top of it and setting a mug underneath to catch the coffee. I stand there as the machine warms up, staring at it with a tired glare, willing it to give me coffee faster. The spiteful little machine has the audacity to tell me it's out of water, thus slowing the process of getting me coffee just that much. I hate sleeping terribly. Machine refilled with water, I go back to glaring at it waiting for the coffee to start dripping into the mug. After what feels like an eternity I finally have cup of coffee, I take it to the living room and turn on the news. It's on but it's really not my main focus. As the coffee starts to set it and the fog of the mostly sleepless night begins to clear my thoughts go to Alex.

I'd be lying to myself if I didn't admit that I could very possibly already be in love with Alex. I certainly care a lot about her, more than anyone I've ever dated. And maybe I'm not already in love with her but if I'm not, I'm damn close. The idea of it wasn't nearly as scary until last night. If something as seemingly small as her pulling away from a kiss with me in a public place could hurt me as much as it did, then what hope did I have if there was something that truly hurt me. What if she told me tomorrow that she couldn't do this and ended it? The idea of that seems like a strong possibility and just the idea of it gives me a pretty strong feeling of pain. Or worse, what if she says she can and we continue dating and I do truly fall in love with her and then she can't. I've never felt like there was so much riding on a possible relationship like this before and it's really, if I am to admit it, scaring me. But there's a small part of me that says, take the chance, take the risk, it's still worth it. SHE'S still worth it. That's the part I want to believe and go with but I'm afraid that maybe I'm not strong enough to believe and trust that part of me.

After last night, I have no idea whatsoever where we stand. A lot of that is my fault, I shut down, I didn't give her any explanation and maybe I should have. The truth is, I don't know what she was thinking or feeling after she pulled away from me. I have no idea if she knows why I needed distance from her, maybe she thought I was angry at her, or upset with what she did. Maybe she knew I was hurt, maybe she didn't. I suppose that's exactly where I stand too but with her. I don't know if she pulled away because she was ashamed of me or being seen kissing a woman in general. Was she embarrassed for being caught or shy because maybe she's modest. Maybe she's not into public displays of affection whether it be gay or straight. Was it because she initiated it and that was strange for her in a public setting? Or was it me and that's something she will never be able to do? Frankly I don't know and I'm beginning to believe that I have to assume she doesn't know my feelings either. God we're a mess. We really need to talk it out. I need to talk because I'll never know what I can do in regards to a possible relationship with her if I have no idea where she's coming from. Honestly, the idea of talking about it scares me also. I don't know if I want to hear what she's going to say, it could be terrible, but the part of me that cares so much for Alex hopes, maybe it won't be terrible. Maybe it'll be something we can work through. I'll never know if I don't get up the courage to find out. Reluctantly I grab my phone and start typing out a text.

"There are some things I'd really like to clear up between us," I begin typing. No, that doesn't feel right, so I delete it.

"I'd like to talk about last night when you have a moment," Ugh, too professional. Delete.

"I'm confused, what happened?" NOPE. Just no to that one. Delete.

I finally settle on "Can we talk?" before hitting send. I watch as the three dots indicating she's typing pop up so quickly. I watch as they disappear, then reappear and disappear again.

*Yes, I'd like that. Can we wait until tomorrow? Please?*

*Tomorrow is fine* Mostly I feel like I'm lying a little because tomorrow feels like decades from now considering my mind just won't stop running with all sorts of options for how this talk could go. Phone buzzes again.

*How about brunch at 11?*

*Okay* I respond. Her response comes quickly.

*Would Sarabeth's West be okay?*

*Of course, I'll see you there tomorrow at 11*

*See you then*

One day, I can wait one day without having a panic attack that I didn't know I could even possibly have. What the hell am I going to do all day today to pass the time?

 

Alex's POV

*See you then*

I've given myself a day to sort my thoughts out. If I don't give myself a time-frame I'm not sure I'll ever have the courage to force myself to make a decision. One day to decide if I can do this.

I tried working a bit but I couldn't really focus the way I needed to focus. Eventually I gave up because really, I probably should be focusing on my decision rather than work. I pick up my phone and tap out Melanie's number and press the call button.

"Hey Al, you okay?"

"Yes. No. I told Olivia we could talk tomorrow. I keep playing all these deciding factors through my mind and I still don't know if I can do it. I'm terrified to say yes," I admit.

"If it weren't terrifying that would mean it didn't meant much. The easy decisions are the ones we don't have to fret over. Think about it, how often to you spend hours considering what you want for dinner? The answer to that better be, 'never' otherwise we've got bigger issues." I chuckle at her joke. Despite my stress level feeling like it's at one million percent Melanie can nearly always give me a brief moment of relief with something ridiculous or witty or just behaving like... Well like Melanie. "Seriously, being afraid of the decision you need to make is proof of how important that decision is, how serious it is, and how much it means. Take that fear and make sure you know that in this case, it's a good thing. It means that Olivia isn't just some fling sort of thing. Even if you don't go forward, or you do, it's meaningful of how much Olivia means to you. This time, fear doesn't mean a bad thing. This time fear is showing you what's important. Crap, Alex, I have to run, I'm babysitting for my cousin and the youngest just walked into the kitchen completely covered in what I can only hope is Nutella." The last thing Melanie hears is me laughing so hard I nearly drop the phone. That woman, I think to myself, shaking my head. I would trust her with my children's lives if I had any but I would NOT trust that I'd get them back as clean as I had left them or with a less colorful vocabulary. 

She's right though. I let that fear of my decision lead my thoughts. Yes I'm terrified but it's because it's Olivia. I would never want to hurt Olivia, not as someone she's dating nor as a friend. She's not a fling. She could never be a fling. Maybe that's what scares me the most, if I choose to go forward with Olivia; to really commit to this, it's for real. It's not something that I will choose to push aside for a bigger office, or because my family doesn't approve. If I go forward that's it. All those other things become things that could possibly change because of my decision. This isn't a decision or try harder and maybe be a better dater or don't try at all. This is Olivia and all the other things that could happen because I chose Olivia. That's why it's so terrifying. Because Olivia could never be a fling. Olivia would be...

"Shit," I exclaim out loud to myself. I whip out my phone and rapidly type a message out to Melanie.

*Why didn't you tell me??*

*Tell you what? PS, it was Nutella, THANK GOD.*

*That I love her?*

*FUCKING FINALLY!!!!*

~~~~~~~~~~~

Before anyone starts freaking out, I have no intention of requiring Alex to pick job or Olivia... Or do I? Ha ha, just seriously, don't freak out over her thought process right now. The important thing is that she knows what we ALL know now! She was harder to write this time as I have no REAL connection to the fear of choosing a woman but I do know the fear of what if my family hates me, so I went with that to help get into her head.

And Mother Cabot was going to show up in the chapter, I already had it planned out after I finished 19, but I'm putting a break in here because I feel like if I went as far as I wanted to where she enters the story, this would possibly have been a monster chapter, maybe not, but possibly. So expect maybe she'll show up next chapter.

As for why Melanie is single, well, I'm sure she could be her own story... Lol she's still sowing her oats, she thinks, plus she's got shit in her head that makes her a great sounding board but she's pretty crappy at taking care of her own shit. PS, I'm basically Melanie, only I have no one who wants to sow my wild oats with and only a few friends occasionally need my advice.


	21. Chapter 21

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, sadly. Well Melanie came from my own head....

 

Rated: M

 

At the bottom folks!

 

Summary: Alex heads out to a bar at the behest of her best friend. Her life will never be the same.

 

Alex's POV

It's a strange feeling; realizing you love someone you never expected you'd love. It's no big shock that I care about Olivia, that wasn't something someone else had to help point out to me. But care and love are two very different things, especially if it's a friend you care about and then suddenly out of the blue you find out you love them. It's exceptionally startling when this person was never even remotely your idea of who it was that you would love. Suddenly out of no where you go from thinking your future will be more than likely solo because you were too focused on work or because you just never met someone who seemed to stand up to what it was you wanted. Then you meet someone and you don't realize it but suddenly they're what you want.

With the realization that I loved Olivia there was no question as to what I needed to do, what I wanted to do. You can't love someone halfway. I still have my concerns; how will this affect my relationships and my job. I'm still very worried that when the time comes my family won't accept this decision and that they won't allow me to be part of the Cabot family in the only way I know. And I fear that what if, now that I've come to this realization of what I want; what if it's not the same thing Olivia wants? What if Friday night changed how she feels about me and whether or not she wants to continue seeing me? Perhaps right now, that's the scariest part. Not knowing where Olivia stands now.

I guess I'll find out soon enough, I think as I wait at a table in the restaurant, a little early; about 20 minutes early. I really tried to not be so early, I took an extra long shower, I drank a third cup of coffee which may not have been in my best interest as my heart feels like it's going to leap out of my chest at any moment. I took extra time picking out my clothes, and though I ended up picking a simple pair of dark denim jeans and a light blue silk sleeveless button down, I had tried on every option rather than just hold them up in front of the mirror. That took up an extra 20 minutes, so really, I could have ended up being 40 minutes early. But here I am, sitting at our quaint little table solo with a single cup of coffee, as the brunch masses seem to glare at me extra hard and my server continues to stop by to make sure "you don't need anything". Pretty sure he hates me right now but he will be absolutely be rewarded at the end of this, regardless of the outcome between Olivia and I. I'm only subjected to the glares of the brunch crowd when I spot Olivia trying to slide through to talk to the hostess. She looks like she does when she's trying to leave the courthouse through the throng of reporters; annoyed. And beautiful. Has she always looked this gorgeous annoyed? Probably, I was just too dense to realize it.

"Olivia," I jump up raising my hand speaking loud enough that not only does she hear me but the masses she's currently fighting to get through, as well as the hostess who seems to take her job as Gatekeeper of Brunch very seriously. That seems to appease the hostess/gatekeeper and she allows Olivia to pass into the much desired land of "Sunday Brunch". I'm still standing when Olivia reaches the table and we stand awkwardly, looking at each other, neither of us really knowing how to greet the other. Gotta jump at some point, I think I as I lean into her, pulling her into a hug. I feel her hesitate for just a moment before fully hugging me back. We pull away from each other and I look her in the eyes.

"Hi."

"Hi," she returns, her face unreadable.

"Uh, well, let's sit," I say pulling out the chair nearest her. Only when she makes a move to sit in the chair do I take my own seat. "I got here a little early, they've been eyeing me like vultures in a desert and I'm the carcass that just won't die." Well that's a weird and slightly gross description. Get it together Alexandra. "Thanks for meeting me here, I've heard good things and I suppose 5,000 ants at a picnic can't be wrong, right?"

Finally she lights up a little, confusion and mirth written on her face. "5,000 ants at a picnic Alex?" 

"Yeah, you know, it can't be that great a picnic if no ants want what you've got. But 5,000 ants? They know there's something yummy happening. Haven't you ever heard that before?"

"I've heard of calling someone annoying ants at a picnic, but not 5,000 ants being wrong."

"I feel like no one has ever heard that and yet, I thought it was a pretty common idiom. Maybe it's not that common, I usually get the same look you gave me."

She laughs, "Maybe it's time to hang that one up then."

"What?" I look at her with mock insult, "Never." We both laugh. It feels good considering our last moments together. Maybe this won't be so bad.

We haven't been seated longer than a few minutes before our server appears, probably thrilled it might seem I'm planning on actually ordering something.

"Hello ladies, will it be the two of you or are you waiting on more?" I take the high road and assume he actually wants to know and isn't being passive aggressive.

"It's just the two of us," I reply. "Can we have a few moments and then we'll order."

"Sure," he says with borders on sounding like a pout.

I look at Olivia before picking up a menu and handing it to her, "I think we better order quick, I'm not sure he's been real thrilled with me thus far." Grabbing the menu Olivia begins to peruse it. I give her a few minutes. I myself, know exactly what I plan on ordering and could possibly recite the menu to her having had nothing much to do until she arrived. "How would you feel about a mimosa?" I ask as she continues to read the menu, perhaps I can buy her a few more minutes if I send him off for drinks.

"Yeah, that sounds nice," she responds without looking up. I merely have to look up to find our server before he appears at the table.

"Ladies ready?"

"Not entirely but we would like to start with a couple mimosas please," I tell him. He looks expectantly at Olivia, as though, maybe she's ready to put down her menu to order. I bring his attention back to me with a stern voice. "We'll start with mimosas and then let you know when we're ready to order food."

That seems to do it, "Yes of course, I'll go get those mimosas and you can just let me know when you're ready to order," he says before quickly scurrying away. By the time he returns with our mimosas Olivia is ready to order. We both give him or order and he jots them down before telling us to flag him down if we need anything before the food arrives. Once he walks away from the table we both stare at each other, neither of us really sure where to start so I lift my glass towards Olivia and tentatively say, "Cheers?"

"Cheers," she responds before tapping my glass with her own before we both take a sip. Setting our glasses down we both look at each other.

"Olivia," I start.

"Alex," she says at the same moment. We both then tell the other that they should go first. Personally I really want to say what I have to say first, maybe give myself a chance to not lose her, but if she wants to go first I'll let her.

"No, Alex, really, go ahead, it's okay," she says, giving me permission to begin.

"Okay," I say. I can do this, I just have to continue being honest with myself so I can be honest with her. "I want to start by saying how truly sorry I am about the other night. We were having such a great night and it ended terribly completely because of me. For that I am truly sorry Olivia. I'll be honest, that night I was sure you reacted the way you did because you were mad at me, and obviously I can't be 100% sure how you felt but Melanie helped me realize that it could very well have been hurt that caused you to pull away from me emotionally. And I'm inclined to go with that over mad." I pause to put my next thoughts together. When she doesn't say anything I continue. "I want you to know, no, I NEED you to know that I didn't pull away because it was you. Some of it was because because you're a woman and some of it wasn't. But NONE of it was because the woman was you. I might not be making sense, but just for now, please know that it wasn't YOU I pulled away from. I've never been big on public displays and given that all my previous relationships have only ever been men and therefore any public display that would occur would be what society seems is 'normal'," I say using my hands to air quote normal. "So to already be inclined to not be comfortable with that in a 'normal' society's ideas of that behavior, changing it up and making it a different version of that display was even harder to be comfortable with. And I know that I started it, I have no excuse, but that's one reason I pulled away the way I did. But NEVER because it was YOU. I started it because it was you but I didn't end it because it was you. I come from a family that is not outwardly affectionate, it's never been something we've done and over the years I guess it just cemented within me to not be outwardly affectionate in front of others. So I got scared; in that moment because of that car I got scared and moved on instinct, and I hurt you. And I wish I could take it back. You have no idea how much I wish I could take it back. I never want to hurt you, but I did. I got scared because I'm not used to public displays and I'm certainly not used to them being with a woman."

"I would never expect that of you Alex, nor would I require it," she says quietly, finally speaking.

"I know, but you deserve someone willing to be okay with it."

 

Olivia's POV

It feels like it's been forever since Alex and I planned our brunch yesterday. I spent most of yesterday trying to focus on anything other than our planned brunch. I went for a very long run, hit the weight room, I even try a yoga class at the gym because it was an hour long and if I could distract myself for an hour than, why not. I've learned I hate yoga. I passionately hate yoga. I worked on paperwork, tidied the apartment and eventually gave up and found a movie on Netflix. Somehow I managed to waste enough time to find myself at a somewhat decent bedtime.

Of course, this morning I wake up well before need be and once again find myself looking for things to do. I opt for coffee and a run, add in a shower and time to pick out clothes I'm still ready well before I need to be but at least I won't be hours early. Maybe there'll be traffic I think to myself leaving early enough to seem overeager if there's no traffic. Fortunately there seems to be a bit more traffic than usual and perhaps I won't arrive a half an hour early. When the cab finally pulls to a stop I'm about fifteen minutes early and looking at the line out the door I decide perhaps that's not such a bad thing. I weave my way through the very large group of people and nearly make it to a hostess who seems very practiced at being uninterested. I hear my voice being called and look past the hostess into the restaurant to see Alex at a table with her hand raised to catch my eye. I walk past the hostess who doesn't seem to care. When I reach the table Alex and I stand awkwardly for a moment before she pulls me into a hug. I'm a little surprised at first but I get over it quickly and sincerely return the hug. We exchange "hi"s and she pulls out a chair for me to sit.

I can't quite gauge her mood and given how nervous I am, I simply sit down and listen to her tell me about being early and the vultures watching her. Now I wish I had shown up earlier so she hadn't had to sit alone for even a moment. When she mentions something about "5,000 ants at a picnic" which just sounds so ridiculous I can only look at her confused and chuckling lightly. She explains the meaning and how I seem to be in the majority of people who haven't quite heard this idiom of hers. I tease her about hanging up the phrase and when she jokes back I feel much more at ease. Perhaps this won't be as terrible as I'm worried it will be. Shortly after the server appears and Alex informs him it's just us two, she hands me a menu. As I browse over the menu Alex asks if I'd like a mimosa, I agree as I continue reading the menu. The server returns with our mimosas and we order sending him scurrying away, I get the feeling Alex has given him the glare at some point since sitting down at the table. Once he leaves we sit there quietly before Alex lifts her glass to me and asks quietly to toast. We tap out glasses together before placing our glasses down and looking back at each other. It's as though neither of us really want to start the conversation but both know it has to start. We say each other's names simultaneously clearly we've both decided to just get on with it. I tell her to go ahead and sit back and listen to what she has to say.

She begins with an apology blaming the way the evening ended because of her and how sorry she is for that. She tells me that she was worried I was mad at her and that's why I pulled away. Her friend Melanie helps her realize perhaps it was hurt that caused my distance. She tells me she's inclined to believe it was hurt rather than my being mad. She pauses for a moment, I wait silently for her to continue. I feel a bit of relief knowing she is able to see that it was more about being hurt than anything else. She sounds so guilty and I feel bad for causing her to feel that way. I should have just said something then, but of course I didn't. Of course had I said something than, perhaps we'd be having brunch under different circumstances.

When I don't say anything she continues. When she tells me that she didn't pull away because it was me, I feel another weight lift off my shoulders. This one helps me breath much easier. I was so worried that her reaction was out of shame or embarrassment of being seen kissing me and to hear that it wasn't because it was me is like being given fresh air. She goes on to tell me that she's never been comfortable with public displays of affection even though she's only ever dated men before. Her inability to be comfortable with public displays with a man is made even worse when it's with a woman which is a different version than society's normal version, using air quotes for normal. She reiterates how it wasn't about me, in fact she goes so far as to tell me that she started the kiss because it was me but didn't end it because of that. Apparently her family isn't very affectionate and somehow that seems to have cemented into her that she shouldn't be outwardly affectionate in public. It seems that inherent behavior or lack of caused her to be scared and that hurt me. She wishes she could take it back but knows she can't.

"I never want to hurt you, but I did. I got scared because I'm not used to public displays and certainly not used to them being with a woman," she tells me. I begin to truly understand why she reacted she did that night. The more she divulges to me the easier and easier it gets to breathe. It makes so much more sense and I can't blame her for hurting me when I hear how much is going through her mind over what seems to me as simple kiss in the street. It's not as simple to her.

"I would never expect that of your Alex, nor would I require it," I tell her quietly. And it's true. While I would be willing to stand in the middle of a packed Madison Square Garden and kiss her silly if she wanted, I would never ask her to do something that made her uncomfortable, Madison Square Garden or a tiny unknown empty street--if it made her uncomfortable I would never ask that of her ever.

"I know," she replies, "but you deserve someone willing to be okay with it." And suddenly I'm terrified again. I'm not sure that sounds like something one says after everything she's just told me. In fact I begin to feel like maybe she was telling me all that just so I would understand when she tells me that's why she can't continue this. I don't respond, I'm not sure what to say to that. I'm a bit too afraid to say anything. We both sit staring at each other, neither of us saying anything. We're interrupted by our food arriving; our server telling us if we need anything else to please let him know. This feels like perfect timing, maybe for just a short moment or two we can eat and I can put off the next part of our conversation.

"This looks great," I say, trying my hardest to divert our conversation towards our food and away from whatever she might say next.

"Yeah, it does," she answers back. "I suppose we should dig in." And we do, both comfortable enough to eat silently together. Or maybe it's our shared diversion tactic right now. Either way, we don't speak, we just focus on our food as though our lives depend on it. Meals finished and plates cleared the server leaves our bill on the table and before I can grab it Alex takes it and and hands it back to the server with her credit card.

"Please, this is on me," she says to me. The bill returns quickly and Alex adds her tip and signs the bottom before placing her card back into her wallet and placing her wallet in her purse. After all this she finally looks up at me. "Can we maybe grab a coffee, take a walk? Central Park is just a few blocks over."

"Yeah, I'd like that," I tell her with as much fake confidence as I can muster. I know we weren't done when our food arrived so despite being afraid to finish the conversation, I know we really need to. We get up and weave our way out of the restaurant. We walk out of the restaurant in the same way we've done so many times before; my hand barely touching the small of her back as I lead the way through the crowd until we step out onto the sidewalk. Once outside I step away from her to a normal, friendly distance. We walk towards Central Park and stop at a small coffee shop. We grab 2 coffees, which I insisted I pay for, this time not allowing her to even try to pay. Coffees in hand we walk the few blocks towards Central Park in silence. It's a beautiful day today and with it being a Sunday the park is busy but not unbearably so. We walk a little more before Alex suggests we take an open park bench. I sit down allowing her to pick her spot on the bench. She chooses a spot close to me but not so close that we wouldn't be confused for anything but two friends on a bench talking. She turns her body towards me so she can look at me comfortably. I mirror her action, facing her and I wait. I still don't have something to say to her telling me I deserve someone who would be okay with public displays.

 

Alex's POV

The food had arrived just before I could start my next sentence. I've been waiting to continue for what feels like forever. We've eaten, paid, walked, gotten coffee and are now facing each other on a park bench in Central Park. She's sitting quietly. I can only assume she's waiting for me to continue as she still has yet to say anything.

"Olivia, I know you deserve someone who will give you everything you deserve, and Olivia, you deserve the world. But know that I might not be able to give you everything you deserve. I know I can give you so many things. If you wanted a weekend trip to Rome, I could make that happen. If you wanted to rent out a movie theater, I can buy all the tickets. But what scares me is that I know those aren't the things you need, want maybe, but not need. You need someone who can hold your hand in the street. Someone who will stop in the middle of the sidewalk and pull you into their arms to kiss you because they can't resist you. I don't know if I can give you those things." 

"Alex, you're wrong," she cuts in. "I don't NEED those things. Do I want them? Sure, who wouldn't, but could I learn to live without that? For the right person, I would."

"But you shouldn't have to sacrifice those things, not for anyone, not ever," I tell her vehemently.

Olivia sighs, "I think I understand Alex, and it's okay. Really."

"I don't think you do Olivia," I say before leaning into her space, placing my left hand on her cheek and pressing my lips to hers gently. I lean back from the kiss, leaving my hand on her face, my thumb softly stroking her cheek. Looking into her eyes I repeat my previous words, "You shouldn't have to sacrifice for those things. I told you I'd try, but I wasn't really trying. I was afraid. Afraid I'd have to pick you or my career, or you or my family, but I have to stop being afraid. Who knows what will happen but whatever happens I want it to be because I took the risk for you. And when whatever happens happens, I want it to be you next to me. I'm done half-trying. I'm done being afraid of something that hasn't even happened." Holding her gaze I place my coffee cup on the bench and bring my other hand to her face, holding it directly in front of me, giving her no place but my own eyes to look at. "I just want to be what you deserve." And with that I lean in and kiss her again, stronger than before hoping that I can convey to her how much she means to me.

We lean back from the kiss and she just smiles at me, a large, vibrant truly stunning smile. A smile that lights up her entire face.

"I definitely don't deserve you Alex," she says her smile never leaving her face. I take my hands from her face and lean back against the bench. She leans back next to me our shoulders touching. I reach over and grab her hand, holding it in mine as I stare down at it. This is something so foreign to me but yet it still feels so easy and comfortable. I'm still staring at our intertwined fingers when suddenly I hear, "Alexandra."

I jump at the voice and as gently as I can I slide my hand out of Olivia's before standing up from the bench. I know I told her about taking the risk, and she is worth the risk but I'm still learning to wade in the middle of the pool and I can't just jump into the deep end, not right this moment. I send a silent plea to the heavens that Olivia will understand.

"Mother."

 

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A/N

Oh HELLO Mother Cabot...

Hey so are Alex and I the only ones who have ever heard/used the idiom X amount of "ants at a picnic can't be wrong" cause I use it and always have to describe what I mean afterwards. Who knows, I probably picked it up from my 90 year old grandma. Maybe it was a grandma-iom. ;)

Okay, well enter Mother Cabot Center Stage!


	22. Chapter 22

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, sadly. Well Melanie came from my own head....

 

Rated: M

 

For the guest who wondered why the M rating, I think it's Chapter 4 that really makes it M, but I'm sure as the story goes forward that rating will come back into play. When I started writing this, this was (still is) my first fic ever and I didn't have any idea what I was doing other than writing, so I knew it was going to have the first scenes making it M but I didn't know I would make this a LONG story that ends up being a slow burn. That's why. Okay, anything else that occurs to me as I write will be at the bottom.

 

Summary: Alex heads out to a bar at the behest of her best friend. Her life will never be the same.

 

Olivia's POV

I don't speak once we sit down on the bench; waiting for Alex to to begin speaking.

"Olivia, I know you deserve someone who will give you everything you deserve, and Olivia, you deserve the world," she begins. "But know that I might now be able to give you everything you deserve. I know I can give you so many things. If you wanted a weekend trip to Rome, I could make that happen. If you wanted to rent out a movie theater, I can but all the tickets. But what scares me is that I know those aren't the things you need, want maybe, but not need. You need someone who can hold your hand in the street. Someone who will stop in the middle of the sidewalk and pull you into their arms to kiss you because they can't resist you. I don't know if I can give you those things."

"Alex, you're wrong," I tell her. Because she is wrong, very wrong. "I don't NEED those things. Do I want them? Sure, who wouldn't, but could I learn to live without that? For the right person, I would." And I mean that completely, for the right person I would be willing to learn to live without that behavior. It wouldn't be easy for me, when I'm with someone I naturally want to show my affection to them. I want to walk through the street holding their hand. It sounds a little stupid and overly romantic but I want to be able to show the world the person I'm with, let them see our love. Really, who wouldn't. Especially if that "right person" was Alex, but I can't tell her that. Not now.

"But you shouldn't have to sacrifice those things, not for anyone, not ever," she tells me with intensity. I can feel a sense of conviction in her words, but I'm afraid of what that conviction means for me, for us. In this moment, it feels more like she's preparing to tell this is why she can't be with me. Why we can't try this, because she doesn't believe she can do it and only feels I deserve nothing less than everything.

I sigh, I might as well make it easy for her, "I think I understand Alex, and it's okay. Really." Just rip the bandaid off quick and easy, that's always the best way.

"I don't think you do Olivia," she responds. And then I feel her hand on my cheek and she's kissing me. It's soft and gentle and my heart and my mind are fighting. My heart can feel her lips on mine but my mind it's afraid. What if this isn't real. Can this be real? Before I know it she's leaned back and her lips aren't on mine anymore. I can still feel her hand on my cheek, her thumb gently passing back and forth over my cheek. Her eyes meet mine and before she even speaks I can see something strong in them. Something I'm afraid to truly hope for, staring back into my eyes. "You shouldn't have to sacrifice for those things. I told you I'd try, but I wasn't really trying. I was afraid. Afraid I'd have to pick you or my career, or you or my family, but I have to stop being afraid." My heart picks up it's pace out, the hope rising more and more to the surface with each passing moment. "Who knows what will happen but whatever happens I want it to be because I took the risk for you. And when whatever happens happens, I want it to be you next to me. I'm done half-trying. I'm done being afraid of something that hasn't even happened," she says never breaking her eye contact as I feel her other hand on the other side of my face, holding me in place and giving me no where else to look but into her eyes. Not that I could look away even if my life depended on it. "I just want to be what you deserve," and then she's kissing me again, only this time it's not as gentle as before. It's still a simple kiss but there's a force behind it that speaks volumes. It's as if this kiss is her promise to me. When we lean back I can't control the smile on my face, it's one of those smiles that you feel in your cheeks and you eyes and you know that this is going to be one of the reasons you'll eventually have crow's feet around your eyes and yet I can't care at all, because if every crinkle I have around my eyes is because of her, I'll take them all.

"I definitely don't deserve you Alex," my smile not fading in the slightest. Alex removes her hands from my face before leaning her back to the bench, seemingly content with just being near each other. I follow her lead and sit with my back against the bench as well, allowing our shoulders to touch. I feel her hand reach out and hold mine, lacing our fingers together. I can feel her looking at them, studying what they look like together when I notice an older who seems to have just appeared directly in front of us.

The woman looks familiar and I wonder if maybe I've met her on a case before. The woman in front of us has long wavy blonde hair with darker blonde low lights mixed throughout. She's wearing a pair of dark blue slacks and a light beige silk button down, a blue blazer carried in one arm with a tan leather satchel style purse dangling from the crook of the opposite arm. It's understated but there is no question, this woman comes from money.

"Alexandra." The woman says the single word while not taking her eyes off Alex. Suddenly I have a sinking feeling I know why this woman looks so familiar.

I feel Alex flinch next to me before gently sliding her hand from mine and standing from the bench. Shoulders back and head held high, a posture I've seen so many times in the courtroom, she speaks back to the woman.

"Mother."

My suspicions regarding this woman's familiarity slam into me with that one single word uttered by Alex. I see it instantly, this is Alex in 30 years. They have the same long blonde hair, the same piercing blue eyes, even the same posture. I imagine this woman commands the same amount of respect by simply entering as room in the exact same way Alex does. And at this very moment, they both look as though they have the exact same amount of tension running through their bodies. I stand next to Alex, fighting the urge to touch her in some way, let her know it's okay, I'm here. Instead I wait as Alex begins to speak.

"Mother, this is..."

I immediately cut her off, "Olivia Benson, Mrs Cabot, I'm a friend of your daughter's," I tell her before sticking my hand out between us, waiting for her to move. I watch as her eyes briefly take in my appearance as she takes her jacket off her arm and into her left hand as she reaches out and grabs my hand and shakes firmly before letting it go. In what I previously thought was a classic Alex gesture but might be more a classic Cabot woman gesture, a single eyebrow raises before she speaks.

"Benson... Why does that name sound familiar?" Her question is clearly a rhetorical as she doesn't wait for me to respond. "Oh, you work with Alexandra don't you? Are you a lawyer too?"

"No Mother, Olivia works with me but she works for the NYPD, she's a detective with the Special Victims Unit," Alex answers.

"Oh, well, that's... Lovely."

"What are you doing here Mother?" Alex asks perhaps in an effort to turn the attention back to her mother and off of me.

"I was having lunch with the ladies and thought I might walk through the park before going back home. And what about you? What are YOU doing here?" I don't know Alex's mother from Joe and this could just be how she speaks but I bristle a little at the tone in her voice as she questions Alex. 

"Brunch Mother same as you," Alex responds, her tone steady and strong.

"Brunch perhaps," her mother answers before looking over at me again some form of judgement clear on her face, I'm just not sure what exactly the judgement is. "Yes, well," she continues before looking away from me and looking down at her watch. "I must be on my way," she says with a air of boredom and possibly disdain. Looking up at Alex she speaks, "Alexandra, I'd like to see you this week, please call me later today so we can schedule a time." 

"Of course Mother," Alex answers.

Her mother looks in my direction, "Ms. Benson." Her tone can't be confused for anything a clear ending of this conversation, a goodbye I suppose.

"Mrs. Cabot, it was nice to meet you." I tell her while debating whether or not to stick my hand out to shake goodbye or not. I end up deciding against it. I watch as she an Alex lean into each other and kiss the air next to each other's cheeks once then a second time on the other cheek. Her mother looks once more between Alex and I before looking at Alex ending the conversation the same way she started it; with one word. "Alexandra." And then she's walking away as if they were simply two associated people who happen to run in the same circle and not like a mother and daughter running into each other in the park. At least I assume most mothers and daughters don't behave like that. It's only once she's turned her back and seems to be far enough away that it's clear she's not returning, though I had no doubts as soon as she started walked away that she would not be coming back for more stimulating conversation. Alex slumps down onto the bench and drops her head into her hands. I've never seen Alex look so, defeated is the only word I can use. I sit down next to her, not too close, truly concerned I might terrify her.

She lifts her head from her hands and looks over at me, "So, that was my mother."

"Yes, it was," I respond, leaving my tone flat and giving nothing away, though I'm not sure I have anything to give away, I'm not sure what to think of her. My first inclination is not to throw her a party for being such a pleasant woman, but I certainly don't want Alex to know that. I hope my tone will give Alex the opportunity to pick how she wants the conversation to go, assuming she wants to talk about it.

"I'm sorry about her," she begins.

"You have nothing to apologize for."

"She's,... Well she's a Cabot matriarch. That's no excuse and normally she stands on social ceremony a bit more, but clearly she saw us holding hands. And I'm so sorry for not holding your hand just then. God, just after I got done telling you I was willing to risk things like family for you and she waltzes in and I throw that right out the window and introduce you as a co-worker, my god Olivia I'm so sorry, please, please, don't think...."

I cut her off, "Alex, take a breath." I breath in and out slowly hoping to help trigger a calming breathing motion within her. "You absolutely don't have to apologize for that, we JUST had that conversation. If perhaps we'd had the conversation months ago and you reacted that way, then yes, I'd probably want an apology, but I'm not asking you to do a complete one eighty in a matter of seconds, and even if you actually kinda did, I CERTAINLY don't expect you to do so with your family in a mere matter of seconds. And for the record, YOU didn't introduce me as a co-worker, I introduced myself as your friend and then your mother realized the name sounded familiar and then you told her we work together. Alex, you did NOTHING wrong, at all," I inform her. I need her to understand what I'm saying completely, I know if she doesn't she'll beat herself up for this but she doesn't deserve to do that to herself. I wouldn't wish what just happened to my worst enemy. You don't come to a decision like Alex did and then immediately run into your mom and put into practice this huge behavioral change. That's like jumping off the high dive into the deepest end of the pool without even knowing if you can swim. I wouldn't have expected her to behave any way than she did and today, right now, that's okay, completely and totally ok. I look her in the eyes, "Do you believe me Alex? Do you know you did nothing wrong?"

"I... I...," she stammers, "I feel like I did do something wrong, like I should have stood up and said, this is Olivia and I'm dating her, but instead I just stood there and let it all happen around me."

"That's not true Alex and you know it. If our roles had been reversed would you understand if I had to take a step back for a moment because a family member interrupted us just after I told you I was taking this HUGE step?"

"Of course not Olivia," she answers quickly without thinking.

"Well...," I lead her.

She lifts her head a little higher and I can actually see the strength coming back to her. "You're right, while I'm still sorry I couldn't, I understand what you're saying. Thank you for understanding that particular situation Olivia, and for stepping in and helping me."

"Alex, I lo... like you a lot and care about you, of course I would step in, and of course I understand. Just please don't let this scare you off."

"Absolutely not," she says as she leans over and kisses me for the third time today in the span of an hour. She wasn't kidding when she said she was done half-trying.

 

Alex's POV

I fight everything in my brain that was just triggered by my mother show up and lean over and kiss Olivia for the third time today. I told her I didn't want to be afraid anymore and while I was when my mother showed up, Olivia has helped me understand that this time it was okay because she's right, if the situation had been reversed, I would not expect her to just change so much in front of her unexpected family, I would give her a free pass I guess this was my free pass and while a part of me wants to dwell on being a failure at what I just said I wouldn't do I let Olivia's presence and her words shut that part down. For once I just want to feel happy and only happy about Olivia, so I let her talk me off my ledge and back to where I can be happy, just happy.

We stay in the park a while longer just enjoying the day and each other's company and before we know it, it's late afternoon and though I don't want to leave her side I know I have a lot of work at home waiting for me. We walk out of the park side by side until we reach the street. We stand in front of each other comfortably.

"I really enjoyed our day Olivia."

"So did I Alex, thank you for everything," she tells me though I don't think she just means breakfast.

"No, thank YOU," I respond definitely meaning more than just brunch with her. She raises her arm to catch a passing cab. When it comes to a stop next to us, she opens the door for me. I thank her before pulling her into a hug. When the hug ends I lean in and touch my lips to hers again. This time taking a moment to savor it. The previous kisses today were about promises and trust, this one is a little less promises and trust and a little more, hungry. I suck on her bottom lip while sliding my tongue past her lips brushing it up against hers. I feel her put her hands on my waist and pull me against her.

"Hey! You getting in or not lady?!" Clearly the cab driver has gotten impatient, can't blame him, it's Sunday evening and he's missing out on some good day drinking fares. We pull apart from each other smiling. I press my lips quickly against hers one last time and slide into the cab. 

"Text me when you're home," she instructs then shuts the door and I hear her tap the roof before I feel the car start to pull into traffic.

I lean back in the cab's seat before looking up and catching the eyes of the driver in the rearview mirror. I wait for the worst, already knowing, this is how it goes now. Displays like that get brought up, you get everyone's opinion on how much they dislike seeing THAT sort of thing. I know how this goes.

"She's cute," he says before genuinely smiling at me through the mirror. I'm surprised to say the least, I expected some lecture about decency or whatever is the bigot's choice of the day. I smile back, just as genuinely, feeling really happy about how my day has gone.

"Yeah, she's really great." He's still smiling as he looks back to the road and for the first time in a long time I relax into the feelings of happiness today has brought, and only those feelings. For now.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N

Awww look at our baby budding lesbian! She's starting to actually make the effort. Hooray!

Try not to hate Mother Cabot, maybe she had a catty lunch with her catty friends, maybe. I mean she could just be a bitch, who knows... ;) You'll just have to wait and see.

On a quick personal note, you guys have no idea how much this story and everything that comes with it means to me. And by everything that comes with it, I mean you guys. I've been dealing with a lot of shit, when am I not... but recently it's been A LOT of shit, and writing this (while sometimes is not easy), has been a great challenge for me while I deal with my crap. And to know that you guys are enjoying it really means a lot. You guys are helping me in a way I can't even describe, so thanks to all of you out there reading and and encouraging me and loving the story and taking this trip with our Ladies with me! <3


	23. Chapter 23

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, sadly. Well Melanie came from my own head as do any Cabots who appear going forward.

 

Rated: M

 

Geez! How did this tiny idea I had years ago turn into 23 chapters?! Whoa.

 

Summary: Alex heads out to a bar at the behest of her best friend. Her life will never be the same.

 

Alex's POV

It's Wednesday afternoon and despite my current workload I'm reluctantly packing up my things for the day because I have to meet my mother for what I'm certain will be a pretty miserable conversation. I had called her Sunday evening and through a very short and rather clipped tone she instructed me that Wednesday was the only time she had available, and I'm smart enough to know that one does not say no to a Cabot matriarch. So I'm packing up and getting ready for a conversation I never once thought I'd ever be having with my mother.

As I slip into a cab and give him an address located in the Lenox Hill area. As we pull away the nerves begin to set in. I've spent the last few days terrified about this moment, I want nothing more than to storm in and tell her that I'm with Olivia and that's that. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the look of disappointment on her face. I'm afraid that I'll immediately no longer be an existent member of the Cabot family. I'm afraid this will be the last time I ever get to see my mother. I want to be able to help her understand that my being with Olivia doesn't make me a different person, that I'm still her daughter Alexandra, that I'll never stop being her daughter. But I'm scared she won't understand. What if she refuses to see me as her daughter any more. I'm afraid she'll tell me I'm a sin, and while we're not religious not like true devote Catholics or Christians are, she'll still pick this time to finally be religious and use it as an excuse. I'm scared of losing her. Of losing my whole family. No one goes against a Cabot matriarch. I want to tell her how I have no choice in this. How, because of who Olivia is, I can't not have this relationship with her. How I tried to resist this pull to her but how I failed and how having failed that pull, I have no choice in being with Olivia. But I'm afraid she'll just tell me to fight it harder, to be stronger, to be a Cabot. By the time we pull up in front of my parents building I nearly so terrified I'm not sure I can get out of the cab, but I know if I don't it won't matter, this conversation will happen. If I'm with Olivia, this conversation has to happen. 

I think of Olivia and how supportive she was that day and how her support this week has kept me safe and strong and grounded to my inner strength. She even texted today to ask if I wanted her there with her. She really would jump in front of a bullet for me. I keep that thought with me as I step out of the cab, that Olivia would be willing to be here with me had I not told her I needed to do this alone. That, even if she's not physically here, her words are and those give me the strength I need to ring the doorbell. The door opens and my mother is standing in front of me, her face completely neutral.

"Alexandra, thank you for coming. Come in please," she speaks as she steps out of the way.

"Thank you Mother," I say before stepping past her, but not before kissing her cheek lightly in greeting. I hand my jacket on the hooks near the door and place my briefcase on the floor below it.

"Come into the sitting room please," she insisted giving me no choice but to follow her. Civilized as ever mother has set the sitting room up for tea, as though this is a simple meeting between two society women on the same committee for some event. 

The added touch of tea makes this feel just that much more formal. I have rarely been in this room. I know it exists and I know what it looks like as anyone who enters must walk past this room to enter the main living room but it's always just been a room. When she got new furniture for it she was excited to show it off to me and that's the last time I stepped into this room--to look at new furniture. This time however, I'm resigned to "sitting room" status for this conversation. She directs me to a one of the two chairs in the room. It's an antique. It's beautiful, deep mahogany wooden chair. The back of the chair have small amounts of stuffing covered by intricate embroidered fabric covering the thin stuffing. It's truly an antique in every sense of the word, I believe it's centuries old if I remember properly. It cost most than most people's cars no doubt. It's horribly uncomfortable and I hate it. It's one of three sitting pieces in the room; a twin second chair and a love seat that is clearly from the same collection. The three pieces are surrounding a deep mahogany, short, round coffee table which is where the tea is set up. Mother sits on the love seat as directly in front of me as one can be in a circle of 3 pieces. I don't speak, simply waiting as she sits down and pours a cup of tea before handing it to me, saucer and all. She pours herself one and take a sip before looking up at me. Here we go, I think to myself.

"So Alexandra," she begins. "What was it I saw happening the other day?"

"Well Mother, I'm not quite sure what you saw so I can't answer that properly," I state, not giving up anything just yet. Knowing what she saw will give me the opportunity to truly respond appropriately.

"Well, I had just hung up with your father and placed my phone in my purse when I looked up and there you were, sitting on a bench next to this Ms. Benson, holding her hand." She mentions nothing of seeing us kiss which I'm sure if she'd seen she would have mentioned and which I'm not sure if I'm relieved about or not.

"Well then Mother, it's exactly what you saw and there's really no need explaining that you saw me holding OLIVIA'S hand," I inform her. Olivia told me to go with my gut, that if it didn't feel like the right time to leap out of the closet that she would understand. That because this was so new for us as two people dating, that she didn't want me to feel pressure to take that step just yet if it wasn't the time. I think about that for a moment before speaking again. "Mother, Olivia is a very dear and close friend of mine. We have worked together for years she was there the night I was shot and she was there when I came back. She is my closest friend next to Melanie." She just nods when I mention Melanie. She doesn't dislike Melanie but she feels Melanie is a bit "uncouth" for a Cabot to have as a close friend, but she has learned that Melanie is a fixture in my life and has seemed to accept that no matter what she thinks about Melanie, Melanie isn't going anywhere from my life.

"Is she like Melanie?" Melanie has never once been in the closet, I'm pretty sure she was born outside the closet at a pride parade with a rainbow flag wrapped around her. The first time she met my mother she called my mother beautiful, which of course Mother loved, but then proceeded to tell her that it made sense where I got my beauty from and how she was no longer sure which one of us she was going to steal away with. It was easily the most awkward and speechless I'd ever seen my mother. I'm pretty sure she stuttered, multiple times. To this day I'm still not entirely sure how Mother and I got out of that part of the introductions as I think I blacked out mentally when it happened.

"Do you mean does she date women Mother? Are you asking me if Olivia is gay?" I counter back.

"Well?" Her respond bland though knowing my mother as I do, I can feel the annoyance simmering just below.

Getting more frustrated by the minute, knowing my lashing out isn't going to help the situation but unable to contain the frustration I snap back my response. "Would it matter if she was?"

"I'll take that as a yes." She keeps her response stoic and mostly neutral. "Does she share that information with the general public like your friend Melanie does?"

"Well considering I just recently found out and I've known her for years, I'll have to say it would seem that she doesn't Mother," I challenge back. I know I shouldn't be behaving like this. I was raised not to talk back, not to sass, to stay the Cabot course and be a well behaved daughter, but it's hard to do all that right now. This isn't arguing over a pony or a puppy and how Cabot children have horses and not dogs. This is Olivia she's trying to pick away at.

"And how did you find out this information," she inquires.

Not feeling great about that question I answer quietly and with a less fervor than I had a moment before. "Melanie and I went out to a bar and Olivia happened to be there," I respond as diplomatically as I can.

"A bar?" Damn, I know better than to try that with her.

"A lesbian bar Mother," I explain trying not to show my nerves.

"So, you went to a lesbian bar with your lesbian friend Melanie," she begins raising her eyebrow at me. "And you happened to run into this Olivia there. Was she alone?"

I flash back to that night and pray I don't flush at the memory of seeing her on the dance floor most definitely not alone. "When I noticed her, she was in the company of another person but she but I believe she went there alone."

"Did she leave with that person?" Another question fired immediately after I respond. I can't help but wonder why she cares so much about whether or not Olivia showed up alone or left alone or why she even cares about any of this, but my mother is a teacher in how not to give anything away in a discussion.

"No, she did not."

"And how do you know that?"

"We ended up leaving at the same time." I'm still unwilling to give away anything more than need be just yet.

"I see. Alexandra, you may think I know nothing of the world today and perhaps I don't but that does not make me oblivious to people like Melanie and Olivia, I did go to Wellesley if you recall. There were a few women there just like your friends. I didn't really associate with them but we all knew them. Many of them eventually realized that that particular lifestyle was unsustainable and grew up to marry and have children as expected. Some did not." She pauses to look me directly in the eyes. Once she is completely sure she has my attention she continues. "Do you love her Alexandra?" To say that her question floored me would be an understatement. For a moment I can only stare at her, focus on breathing in and out and not passing out. I take a few breaths and think of Olivia before answering her.

"Yes, I think I do." My response was meant to come out with more conviction than that but instead it came out like a small guilty child, but I refuse to look away, she won't take that part of my courage away from me.

"I see," she responds again in a completely unreadable tone. She look past me at the clock on the wall behind me, "It's getting late, I'm sure you have a lot of work to do tonight still. I'll see you out." And with that, I know this discussion is over. I have no idea where we stand, what she's thinking, but I know that I won't find out tonight.

"Of course Mother," I answer quietly as I stand and walk in front of her to the door. I stop and grab my jacket and my briefcase and put my hand on the handle before turning around and glancing around the inside of the building, taking it in fearing for the worst. Before I open the door I quickly lean forward and touch my lips to her cheek. "I love you Mother," I tell her solemnly and step outside, bringing the door closed behind me. I step down the stairs onto the sidewalk and turn around and look at their building before sighing and raising my arm for a cab. Once I'm settled in the cab I pull out out my phone and send off a text.

*Are you home?*

 

Olivia's POV

I've been worried about Alex all day long. I've tried to be there for her but she told me she needed to do this alone. I told her I was around if there was anything I could do, I am completely at her disposal right now because I can't imagine what it must be like. I have no idea if things are going well or are going terribly. I don't even know what she plans on telling her mother. I told her it was okay to not say anything just yet. I mean that. I can't imagine being in her place, with family to lose, and while one day if we're together months from now I do want her to take that step but today, after just deciding this really was what she wanted, it isn't fair to her to expect her to leap out of the closet. We haven't even said we're actually dating, so I make sure she knows it's okay to keep it to herself right now if she needs to. But that doesn't stop me from worrying about her. If her mother saw us kissing she'll have a hard time explaining that as just two friends having coffee. And if she didn't see us kissing that still doesn't explain holding hands. I'm not unaware that women from the older generation weren't very physical with their friends. Alex and my generation, we're a little more open with our platonic friendships but the generations younger than ours are so affectionate with each other sometimes it's hard to know who are friends and who are more and that's common to that generation. But it's not as much within our generation and it certainly is not within her mother's generation. So even if she saw us holding hands that could be just as damning as if she had seen us kissing.

I've been checking my phone nearly every minute since she texted me telling me she was leaving her office heading to her mother's. She told me she would let me know when it was done so I've been waiting. I tried to stay at the precinct but I couldn't keep listening to Elliot trying to help keep my mind off it. Eventually I just gave up and headed home. I've been home for about an hour when my phone finally beeps.

*Are you home?* It's from Alex.

*Yes, do you want to come here?*

*Please.*

*I'll be here waiting with wine and open arms* I hit send and wait. I don't have to wait too long, only about thirty minutes before I hear quiet knocks on my front door. I walk over, check the peephole to ensure it's Alex and when I confirm it is, I swing the door open. She looks, not sad, but not happy either. I'm unable to gauge from her expression what happened at her mothers so instead of trying I grab her briefcase of her hand and grab her hand, pulling her into my apartment. I put her briefcase down and pull her into my arms and hold her. She doesn't move for a moment and then I can feel her relax into me and wrap her arms around me laying her head on my shoulder her face buried in my neck. I hear and feel her sigh into my neck.

"That bad huh?" I ask gently. She doesn't respond. "Wine?" I offer instead. Feeling her nod, I pull back from her. Before I step away, I press my lips to hers. She seems to relax a little more to that and I feel her gently kissing me back. It's quick but like many of our kisses, there's more to it than just mere physical contact, in this case it's comfort I'm trying to give her. I step away from her and push her towards my couch, "I'll be in just a second." I head to the kitchen and grab a bottle of wine, opening it and pouring two glasses I walk into the living room. I hand her a glass of wine and sit down beside her. I tap my glass against hers quickly before we both take a sip and she leans back into the couch. I lean back next to her, holding my wine in the hand furthest from her. I wrap my empty arm around her shoulders and pull her gently into me.

"Wanna talk about it?" I inquire gently to make sure she knows I'm not going to push her to talk.

"I don't know what to even say," she muttered. "I don't really know what happened."

"How did it end?"

"I'm not sure. We were talking about you and how I've known you for so long and how you're my only close friend other than Melanie. Then she started asking about you, if you were 'like Melanie', if you were out like Melanie. How I found out, which was strange having to tell my mother I was in a lesbian bar, regardless of the reason, it was still strange. She didn't really react to anything, she just kept asking things. She wanted to know if you'd been alone, if you'd left alone, weird things. Then she told me she knew girls at Wellesley like 'Melanie and Olivia' and how some realized they couldn't sustain a life like that and ended up marrying and having kids and how some didn't." She sits next to me silent for a moment as if replaying the conversation in an attempt to understand why her mother asked her those questions and why she brought up her time in college.

"Uhh, do you think she was trying to tell you that... You know, maybe she was one of those girls?" I inquire cautiously.

"Oh, I should be so lucky, no definitely not, she made sure to mention that she didn't ASSOCIATE with those girls. Imagine how much easier it would be if she'd at least associated with them." Her answer comes out a mixture of sadness and concealed anger. "She asked if I love you," she continues. I look over at her, surprised to hear that her mother asked that. She's staring out not looking at anything really. As much as I want to know the answer to that, I wait for her to decide if she wants to share what she told her mother. "After I answered her, she just sent me home. That was it. That's how it ended." She finally looks at me. I can see the fear and worry written on her face, she's afraid after today she'll no longer have her family the way she always has. I try not to focus on the idea that perhaps she told her mother she does love me, now's not the time for that, but that doesn't stop my heart from taking a second to hope maybe she does. But no sooner do I think that do I realize what that means for Alex; a perfect double-edged sword between the two of us. She either loves me which is great for me but horrible for her, or she doesn't and that's great for her to keep her family but not great for me; either way, one of us doesn't get what we care about.

I don't know what to tell her. I want to tell her I'm sorry, but those words won't mean much right now; they won't break through the worry and fear. So I do the only thing I know think is the right thing to do and place my wine glass down on the table at the end of the couch and wrap my other arm around her, pulling her in even closer than she was before and just sit there holding her, trying to protect her from whatever comes down the road for her. Promising her without words that no matter what happens, I'll always be here, ready to hold her and protect her in any way I can. We don't speak, we just sit there until I feel her breathing even out and realize she's asleep. For the moment I don't want to wake her by moving her to a bed so I just stay where I am holding her in my arms.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N

I've been trying to get a chapter our a day, which is why they might be shorter than usual some days. But yesterday I was hit with massive exhaustion in the middle of writing this one, so a day's break from it for you guys but I'm trying to stay on top of it. :) 

But so, there's Mother Cabot. Lord only knows what's going on in that old lady's head! Yikes. She really doesn't like to give much away does she? :\


	24. Chapter 24

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, sadly. Well Melanie came from my own head as do any Cabots who appear going forward.

 

Rated: M

 

It's at the bottom. :)

 

Summary: Alex heads out to a bar at the behest of her best friend. Her life will never be the same.

 

Olivia's POV

It was nearly just after midnight when I woke up with Alex in my arms, the two of us still nestled into the couch together. We've settled into it a bit more and Alex has wrapped her arms around my midsection. I feel a little like what you'd expect to see if you ran across two mountain climbers, frozen together, their last attempts clearly to stay warm and close together. I carefully extract myself from her arms trying my hardest not to wake her. I got into my bedroom, pull the covers down and set an alarm on my phone for 5:30. I head back into the living room, turning off all the lights but one and head to the couch. I carefully pick Alex up into my arms and, trying not to wake her, carry her into my bedroom and set her down where I'd pulled back the covers. I slip off her heels and slide her legs under the comforter. I'm just pulling the covers up over her when I see her start to stir.

"Shhh, go back to sleep," I whisper.

"Olivia?" she mumbles through sleep.

"Yeah Al, shhh, just go back to sleep." I pull the covers up to cover her shoulders and head to the living room. Even though we've slept in the same bed together I don't want to make any assumptions that doing so tonight would be okay.

"Wait," I hear a I reach the door, "Olivia, where are you going? Are you coming back?"

"I'm going to the couch to sleep Alex."

"Please don't," I hear. "Please, stay." How can I say no to her request?

"Okay," I answer, "I'll be there in just a second, do you need anything? Pajamas maybe?"

"No, just you."

"Okay," I say as I step into the living room to turn off the light I left on. I give my eyes a moment to adjust and then walk back into my bedroom and grab something to sleep in. Quickly I change before walking back to the bed and slipping in on the other side next to Alex. No sooner am I settled in the bed do I feel Alex slide over and wrap her arms around me. I attempt to wiggle my arm underneath her shoulder, getting the idea she lifts herself up so I can slide my arm under her and wrap it around her pulling her even closer.

"Thank you Olivia," she whispers.

"Always," I tell her before kissing the crown of her head.

When my alarm goes off at 5:30 I hear a groan and incoherent mumbling. I can feel Alex blindly feeling around for a phone or an alarm. More mumbling when she can't find what she's used to finding when she reaches out at her own home. I smile even through the haze of sleep and reach behind me and grab my phone off the bedside table, hitting the snooze button before rolling back over and pulling her closer in my arms. When the alarm went off and I consciousness came to me I realize Alex's back is nestled against my front and I'm spooning her from behind. Once I shut off the alarm she settles.

"What time is it?" She mutters, her voice low and gravelly from sleep.

"5:30," I respond, "I didn't know if you needed to go home or not before you go in."

"Can I borrow a shirt?"

"Of course."

She suddenly seems to realize she's still wearing her clothes from yesterday, "And pants? Just something to get me to work, I have spare clothes there," she adds.

"Yes, of course you can borrow pants too, you'd look weird walking into work without any," I tease. I can almost feel her eyes rolling at me.

"Shhh, none of that before the sun comes up," she chastises me and snuggles impossibly closer to me. 

"Hang on, don't too settled," I warn her, "I've got to turn off the snooze alarm and reset it."

"Just turn off the snooze, I won't fall back asleep," she informs me. So I do as instructed and turn off the snooze and then curl back around Alex. We lay together, silent; enjoying each other's company and letting the world wake up around us.

"Do you think she'll ever forgive me?" Alex asks breaking the silence in a quiet voice. "Do you think I'll ever see my family again?"

"Oh Alex, sweetie," I murmur tightening my arms around her, holding and hugging her. "I think your family would be completely idiotic to let this come between you all. They'd be missing out on one of the best people ever to walk this earth," I tell her before kissing the back of her head.

"But they could, couldn't they? They could just let me go because I'm dating a woman. I don't even know where I stand with them. That's the hardest part, not knowing. Just being dismissed as though we hadn't been talking about more than just my mother seeing me holding a woman's hand. As though the outcome of our conversation wouldn't potentially be the end of our family's relationship."

"I'm sure it wasn't that bad Alex. I'm sure it won't be like that," I say trying to comfort her and hoping I'm right because, the reality of it is that she could lose her family over this. Over her conversation with her mother and I know to her that would be devastating.

"I...," she stammers, "I told her, that..." I feel her sigh, "I just don't know if she will ever understand," she finishes, her two thoughts mixed together. 

"Well I know I'm not an entire family, but you've always got me, no matter what happens." And it's true, no matter what happens, if she loses her family, if we don't work out, if she can't do this, no matter what, she will always have me.

We lay together in silence and for this moment in time, it's just us while the world continues to turn around us, without us. As I lay with Alex in my arms, I try to give her all my strength, everything she could ever need to be strong enough to take this path with me. Almost as though it's worked, she wiggles herself and I loosen my arms around her allowing her to spin around and face me. She places her hand on my cheek, looking directly into my eyes before leaning in and placing a gentle kiss on my lips.

"Thank you Olivia. For everything. For always." Before I can even answer, she's moving to climb out of bed our special safe bubble about to burst and the day won't wait for anyone. I climb out of the bed on my side and tell her to take the shower first while I start coffee and find her some clothes. I instruct her on where she can find an extra toothbrush and tell her anything in there is hers to use. Once she's closed in the bathroom and I hear the shower running, I head to the kitchen to start up the coffee and peek in my fridge to see what I have, realizing that neither of us ate last night. I start up the first cup of coffee when the machine alerts me that it's ready. Once it's finished I grab it and head to the bathroom. I knock lightly and hear her tell me to come in through the sounds of the shower. Thank god I have a white shower curtain because I'm not sure I'd be able to walk in there if I had a transparent one.

"I'm putting a cup of coffee on the counter," I inform her. While I'm in there I dig through a small cupboard where I keep my all my towels, not just the ones I used once or twice and pull out a fresh, clean towel setting it next to the cup of coffee. "There's a fresh towel next to your coffee too, and I'm sorry but I don't have creamer in my apartment. And I don't have much in my fridge either, want an egg?" I offer bleakly.

"No, don't worry about that, I can grab something once I'm at work, and thanks for the coffee and the towel."

"Of course, I'm going to go find some clothes for you," I respond before slipping back out of the bathroom. As I rummage through my closet I can only hope we are close-ish in size. I know she won't be wearing it for long but I don't want her showing up to her office looking like a hobo, not that she could ever look like a hobo. I find a pair of gray slacks and a black button down that should suffice to get her to her own clothing. I knock on the bathroom door again and am once again told to come in. She's still in the shower as I hang the clothes on the back of the bathroom door.

"I'm leaving an outfit that should fit enough to get you to your office," I inform her.

"Thanks, I'm nearly done here, then you can have a turn," she responds.

"Take your time," I answer as I slip back out the door.

When she finally appears from the bathroom I'm reminded once again that she could wear anything and look stunning. The clothes are a little big but not so much that it looks funny or strange. Her hair is dry and twisted up off her neck. Her face is clean of make-up and I realize that she could go the rest of her life without wearing make-up and she'd still look as beautiful. She's holding her cup of coffee and watching me look at her.

"Is it too big?" she asks.

"Nope, you look perfect as always," I answer her. 

I see her face blush lightly, "Well, bathroom's all yours."

"Thanks," I say as I walk into the bathroom and head straight to my toothbrush. I take a minute to brush my teeth before stepping out of the bathroom to find her in the kitchen making coffee.

"Oh, I was just making you a cup of...," she tells me before being cut off as I kiss her. It doesn't even take a second for her to catch up and she's kissing me back, wrapping her hands up around the back of my neck pulling me in closer. I pull her bottom lip into my mouth and suck and hear her breathing speed up, then her tongue is rubbing against mine. We stand in the kitchen, wrapped up in each other with our tongues mixing the flavors of toothpaste and coffee. When I feel my body reacting to our kiss, I pull back from the kiss, this was only meant to be a good morning sort of kiss. Well a good morning and I can't help myself sort of kiss.

I look into her eyes, "Morning," I say. Her eyes a slightly hooded and her breathing is heavy.

"Morning," she answers in a breathy voice, a smile on her face.

"Okay, I'm going to shower now, I just wanted to say good morning," I tell her.

"Olivia," she stops me, "Would it be okay if I headed out now, I just didn't get any work done yesterday and having left early from the office on top of that, I just need all the extra time I can get to make sure I'm caught up for today. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, absolutely Alex, I completely understand. Well let me see you out before I get in the shower then." She grabs her shoes from the bedroom before meeting me at the door where she grabs her coat and briefcase. I reach behind her to grab the door handle and she leans into me before I can open the door, touching her lips to mine gently.

When she pulls back, she looks into my eyes, "Thank you Olivia."

"Always," I repeat my words from many times before. I pull open the door and let her out, "Have a great day Alex."

"You too Olivia, I'll text you later," she tells me and with a little wave she turns and walks down the hall. I close the door, locking it, before sighing happily and heading off to get ready for the day.

It's been a relatively slow day, nothing that requires us to do much more than paperwork. Sometimes it's nice, I guess, to catch up on the pile of paperwork, I mean it has to be done anyway, may as well have a day to just focus on that. It's about three in the afternoon when I hear the familiar staccato click of heels walking into the bullpen. I look up expecting to see Alex but am instead faced with her mother standing in the doorway, clearly looking for someone and I'm afraid that someone is me.

Standing up I walk ever to her, "Mrs. Cabot? Can I help you? Alex isn't here." I can only assume she's looking for Alex, or rather, I can only hope she's looking for Alex.

"I'm not looking for my daughter Ms. Benson," she states. Yup, there's that sinking feeling I was waiting for. "I'm looking for you, I'd like to talk to you." Crap.

"Yes, of course, let's, uh, let's find someplace a little more private," I say as I direct her towards, ironically, an interrogation room. I'd like to say that the room is meant to make her feel a little less secure knowing that this is where I work, but I'm sad to say, it's more me that feels a little less secure. I don't find the irony of the situation funny at all, though if I'm lucky, maybe one day I will. I offer her a seat on one side of the table, she declines, so we stand there. I wait for her to begin. She fixes her eyes on me before she begins speaking.

"Ms. Benson, do you love my daughter?" Well never let it be said that Mrs. Cabot wastes time or words. She's straight to the point. In any other situation I would admire this quality, and while a part of me still does, the fact that I'm currently the recipient of this bluntness scares me a bit. I debate to myself what the right answer is. I know what the right answer for myself is but I'm not sure what answer makes Alex's life easier, which is what I'd prefer to do if I could. In the end, honesty wins out, hoping it won't make things worse.

"Yes, very much," I answer.

"Do you really believe that you can make my daughter happy? Do you really think that if the two of you are in a relationship she can succeed in her personal and professional life?" Her question coming out neutral, not forced with anger but there's no sentiment behind it either. I wait, wondering if this is a rhetorical question. "Well, do you?" Nope, not rhetorical.

"I do believe I can make her happy and I do think that she can succeed personally AND professionally even if we are in a relationship. The world is more accepting of..."

"YOUR lifestyle?" She finishes the sentence for me.

"I was going to say, LGBTQ relationships but I suppose you can call it that if you need." Toe the line, I think to myself. Let her have her words, don't make it worse for Alex.

"It's not a matter of need Ms. Benson. It is, in fact, your lifestyle and not Alexandra's. But I am curious, if the world is as accepting as you claim, why is it Alexandra just found out about you? If it's so accepting, as you claim, why are you hiding in the shadows?" I sigh hearing her words. Less than a minute into this conversation I'm already feeling exhausted from it. 

"Mrs. Cabot," I begin.

"No," she cuts me off. "I've heard all I care to hear." And with that she turns on her heel and walks out of the room.

I slump down onto the table after I'm sure she's not going to walk back in, I won't let her see me as anything but as strong as I can be in her presence. Sitting on the edge of the table I try to figure out what she really wanted. Will she take this information to Alex? Will she use this as fuel to her fire of, whatever this is she seems to have regarding Alex and me? I half expected her to pull out a check and attempt to find a price that would keep me away from her daughter. There isn't one by the way, no price could keep me from her daughter, but I expected it nonetheless. Maybe that's a second visit. Maybe the movies have it wrong, first they talk to you, then they come back with the check later.

I debate whether or not I should tell Alex about her mother's surprise visit. If I tell her will it just stress her out more? If I don't and her mother tells her she came to visit me, will she be upset that I didn't tell her? In the end, just like with her mother I opt for honesty and hope for the best. I go back to my desk and grab my phone taking it with me back to the interrogation room. I'd rather have this conversation in private. I dial her office.

"Alex Cabot," she answers.

"Hey, it's Olivia."

"Hey!" I can hear the smile in her voice, and begin to worry I'm making the wrong decision. "How's your day?"

"Well," I start, "Uh, your mother just left here."

"Excuse me?" The confusion is evident in her voice. "Did you just say my mother just left there? As in she was there at all?"

"Yeah, she came to talk to me," I explain.

"She came to talk to you?"

"Yes." There's silence on the phone and for a moment I think maybe the call dropped. "Alex? Are you there?"

"Yeah," she responds. "Olivia, I'm going to have to go, I'll call you later okay?"

"Sure." Before she has a chance to hang up I add one more thing, "Alex? I'm sorry." I'm not entirely sure what I'm apologizing for--that her mother showed up, that I talked to her, that I told her mother I loved her. It's more an umbrella apology that she's even in having to go through this.

"It's okay, it's not you. I'll call you later." And then she's gone.

 

Alex's POV

I am shocked to hear that my mother showed up at the precinct to talk to Olivia. The morning had been going so well, from the moment the alarm went off and I woke up in Olivia's arms, to the moment I hear her voice on the other end of the line when she calls. But then my mother went and changed that. When Olivia told me, I was sure I'd heard her wrong. But I hadn't and now I'm aggressively pacing my office. I want to call my mother and demand to know why she went there. I want to tell her she can't just do that. I want tell her to leave Olivia out of this, but mostly I want to know why. But I know nothing ever comes of talking to a Cabot this way, and I would be doing myself no favors if I spoke to my mother that way, so I take a few deep breaths to calm myself down before I sit at my desk and pick up my phone, dialing my mother's number.

"Alexandra, I expected to hear from you," she answers.

"Mother," I strain out. I'm about to continue when she cuts me off before I've even begun.

"Your father and I would like you to come to the house tonight, we all need to sit down and have a discussion," she informs me. In a rare moment that is very much so not me, I drop my head to my desk and just stay there; forehead touching the desk, holding the phone to my ear. "Alexandra? Did you..."

I sit back up, as though she can see me through the phone. "Yes Mother, I heard you. I guess I'll see you tonight but it will need to be when I'm through with work, will seven suffice?" I ask as I push my glasses up on top of my head and pinch the bridge of my nose.

"Seven will be fine. We will see you then." And then she's gone. I set the phone back onto the receiver and sigh. How stupid I am to believe that it could be as simple as it was this morning. Of course it can't be simple, I'm a Cabot, eventually yesterday's conversation would have to have a real and solid conclusion. I guess I just hoped I could have more than one day, but then again Mother never wastes time, I should have expected her to call today. Crap, I think as I try to focus on work and not on the fact that in less than four hours I'll be in front of the judge, jury and executioner.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N

As I've mentioned before, realizing I was gay and coming out went pretty well for me, my dad and mom thought I might be gay when I was in middle school. I came out to my dad and stepmom when I was 25, my stepmom just said, yay, and my dad told me he pretty much already knew. But when it was time to come out to my extended family I was scared because we'd never talked about it before. I truly feared that from then on it was going to be core family for me only. Heck, I was even worried when I told my dad and stepmom even though my stepmom's sister is gay and I knew my dad wouldn't care, but still having to say those things are scary, even if you mostly know. I tried to tap back into that fear for Alex, because that's something I can understand her journey.

Anyway, you guys are great!


	25. Chapter 25

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, sadly. Well Melanie came from my own head as do any Cabots who appear going forward.

 

Rated: M

 

Wow, you guys ROCK!! Thank you all for the support and reviews that let me know you're still with me on this path regardless of the length. Thank you for understanding that this is the path Alex and Olivia need to take and riding it out with them. It really means a lot.

2 things: 1. This is shorter than usual because I wanted this chapter to be about the conversation. And 2. Given I've been trying to get an update out daily or very close to daily, I feel like this is later than I wanted it to be. Blame that on my one friend here in this crappy town who dragged me out Friday night, which meant, hangover Saturday. 

 

Summary: Alex heads out to a bar at the behest of her best friend. Her life will never be the same.

 

Alex's POV

I have been as focused as possible on work for the last three hours though it's been difficult considering I stop what feels like every few minutes to check the time, it would not be wise to show up late tonight. Around 6:15 I begin to pack up my work, knowing there's not much left for me to do to put off the inevitable. I'm in a cab by 6:30 contemplating what's in store for me this evening. Typically I would know what's in store at a Cabot function, but my mother has done nothing to lead me on to what might be going through her mind but I expect the worst. She's been far too rapid in her response to this whole situation and she has never let a single feeling show.

In a way, I'm happy this is going so quickly, I don't want to wait to hear what she has to say, like a bandaid I'd prefer just getting the painful part out of the way as fast as possible. But at the same time, the quicker it happens, the sooner I will have a concrete answer. An answer I don't expect I'll be happy to hear. As I sit in the cab staring out as the world passes by I promise myself I won't cry in front of them. I've made this decision and while this is happening much sooner than I would ever have liked, it IS in fact happening and I WILL be strong enough. I have to be. This conversation is only part of this decision and if I can be strong enough to do this I can be strong enough to be open in my professional life too..

I step out of the cab and stand on the sidewalk in front of my parent's place, looking at the building, it suddenly seems much larger than it ever has before. Or perhaps I feel smaller. I take a deep breath and climb the stairs. I reach out a shaking hand, and ring the doorbell and wait for an answer. It's my mother who opens the door, a simple, "Alexandra," as a greeting. I follow her into the house and as usual; place my jacket on the hanger by the door and set my briefcase on the floor below it. 

"Your father is in the living room, let's join him," she instructs me. 

We walk through the foyer into the living room, it's settled two small steps below the foyer, two large couches taking up half the space of the room. My father is seated on one end of one of the two large couches. When we enter the room he stands up buttoning his blazer more out of habit than professional etiquette. 

"Alexandra," he greets me. I want to walk to him and hug him in my usual greeting. Cabots aren't outwardly affectionate, but there's always a place for a hug in greeting between my father and me but today it doesn't feel like it would be welcome. Today this feels like a meeting and that scares me. The last time we had a conversation that started this tense it was when they both found out I'd applied to Yale as well as Harvard. It was a shock and, apparently, a disappointment to them and required a long talk about how Harvard was the only acceptable school for a Cabot. That day feels like a cakewalk compared to today.

"Father," I respond before stepping fully into the living room. I take the seat my father directs me towards and only after I'm seated do both my mother and father sit across from me on the other couch. This time there's no tea, no social niceties, today, clearly it's all business.

"Alexandra," my mother begins, "Your father and I have been talking about this whole Olivia thing." I bristle at the phrasing. "As you know I have spoken to Olivia."

"Yes, Mother, I am more than well aware you spoke to Olivia, which wasn't your right to do," I tell her, a small bit of courage seeping in to me.

"Alexandra," my father says with a stern voice, "Let your mother speak please."

"Of course, I'm sorry," I apologize.

"As I was saying, your father and I have been talking about this Olivia situation and I have spoken to Olivia." I wait for her to continue. "Your father and I have spoken, we understand you believe you are in love with this woman. Is that correct?"

"Yes Mother, I do," I tell her.

"Do you truly believe you can live a life like that with a woman and still succeed personally?" I want to lie and tell her I'm completely certain I can but I know she'll see through me.

"Honestly,"I start, "I don't know. I want believe that's the case; that I can be professionally successful while dating a woman, but I don't know if that's something that will happen."

"And all the work you've put into your current position, and the work you've put in towards a future in law, what about that? Would it all be worth throwing away?" my mother follows up.

"I've put a lot of thought into it Mother, Father," I say turning my attention towards my father for a moment. "As I told you before Mother," I look back to her, "Olivia means a lot to me. I care about her and I believe she cares about me. I have two people in my life who I can count on outside of family. Melanie, which has been by my side for over a decade and Olivia, who has been there for me for years. I don't see any downside to having either of them in my life and I certainly don't see anything as throwing a future away. Is it possible things could change due to a relationship with Olivia, yes. But I don't believe it would be throwing away a career in law. I was certain, for so long, that I wanted only to climb the ladder of success, but I'm not sure that's only what I want anymore. I still want a successful career, but I don't want it alone. For so long I've put my love life on the back burner for success but I'm not sure that's how I want to define success anymore."

"How do you define success then Alexandra," my father asks.

"I don't know, but I look at you and Mother, and I see the happiness you both have together and I know that that's part of my definition of success."

"Alexandra, this is different and you know it," pipes in my mother. "Your father and I have a socially acceptable relationship, a relationship with Olivia would not be socially acceptable and unacceptable relationships do not get one into the DA's chair."

"You would essentially be giving that up for some woman," states my father.

"She's not just some woman. She's fierce, loyal, kind, strong, intelligent, funny, caring,... Simply put, she's an amazing person. One I'm proud to call a friend and am lucky enough to be the recipient of her kindness, caring, loyalty and all that comes with having a woman like Olivia in my life. My feelings for Olivia came out of the blue, and they terrify me. I love her. I never meant to fall in love with her, but it happened and I can't go back now. And I'm terrified that means I'll lose everything."

"You very well could Alexandra," states my mother. I feel my heart sink into my gut. "This is something you must be sure of Alexandra," she tells me. "This is not something you can simply,... pursue," she says, clearly unsure as to what word she prefers to use, "And then simply change your mind. You don't get the right to be non-committal about this situation."

"I fully understand the gravity of this. There is no mistake there. And I have thought long and hard about Olivia and my feelings for her. This is not a passing fling, that much I know. For either of us," I say as switch my eye contact between the two of them. Surely they have to see it in my eyes; that what I am saying, I truly, deeply mean. 

"Then you're willing to give up your dreams of the DA's chair, of the success you've always wanted, for her," reiterates my mother.

"Well, Mother, if you believe that's the only way, then I suppose my only answer is yes, but I don't believe that's the way it has to be."

"You're being naive Alexandra," she retorts.

"I truly wish I was Mother," I tell her. "I've put too much time and energy along with deep thought into this to consider myself naive. I know what I'm risking, personally and professionally. Are my career goals altered? Yes, is that because of Olivia? No. It's because I'm not who I was years ago, my future wants and needs have changed over time, as is fairly common for most people."

"We're concerned about this and about you Alexandra," my father states. "We're worried you're making a decision you've not fully thought about and that you'll regret this decision later."

"As I have stated a number of times now," I begin, "I have put more than enough time and thought into my decision to go forward with Olivia. I have thought about every possible consequence there could be, including what this means for my career and what it means regarding my family. I have fully weighed it all and I have come to realize that my life means more with Olivia in it than it would without her in it."

"And a friendship isn't enough?" asks my mother.

"No, you both know well enough what it's like to have a partner in your life, someone who loves you beyond just the platonic. Platonic love is different and I know I don't have to describe to either of you the difference. You both love each other platonically and romantically. If this can give me what you have, why would you want to keep me from it? Why wouldn't you want me to have the opportunity to have you what you have?" My question comes out sounding more like a plea than I'd like it to, but I cannot fathom not wanting my child to have something special like I know my parents have. 

"It's not that we don't want you to have what we have Alex," says my mom, her voice softer than it's been in days. "We do, we're worried this isn't won't be that. And if this doesn't turn out to be what you are expecting it could change everything in your life and you'd regret it."

"Any relationship choice could change everything in my life, perhaps not as drastically as a relationship with Olivia, but I could meet a man who I fell in love with and suddenly instead of wanting a career maybe I'd want children and decide to leave law entirely. That could change my life entirely too but somehow I don't think we'd be having this discussion if that is how it were to play out. It's taken a lot for me to get to this point, to where I accept the ramifications of being with Olivia, but I've gotten here and I won't go backwards. And as much as it kills me, I won't go backwards even if that means I lose you both." My eyes dart between the two of them as I speak the words, my chin held high. I won't be ashamed to tell them I choose her. I won't let the fear and sadness set in as I speak my words.

"I see," says my father before looking over at my mother and then back to me. "Well then, I suppose we have no choice."

"What does that mean?" I'm afraid to hear his answer. I won't cry, not in front of them, I tell myself. My heart is pounding s hard in my chest I'm worried they'll hear it. I won't cry in front of them.

"What that means, Alexandra," my mother says, "Is that we will always worry for you, we will always want to protect you and help keep you on the right path but if this is the path that you feel is the right one for you, you don't give us much choice. You're my only daughter Alexandra. I've tried my hardest to help guide you through the years, to help you grow into a strong confident woman. We need to know you'll be happy."

"I'll be happy," I speak trying to keep the tremor in my voice from being apparent, "I'll always be sorry I forced you to choose but, I will accept your choice and I will be happy, even f that means losing you both."

"Alexandra, I think you've misunderstood your mother." What on earth is he talking about? There's no mistaking what she's said, she's made it clear enough. "We need to know that this decision has been thought out clearly and with a realistic view of what could happen because of it, but it's evident you have thought this through and if your conclusion is that this means you'll be happy regardless of how this affects your career then we have no choice. You're our daughter, you'll always be our daughter. That's the choice we don't get to make. Perhaps this isn't something we're completely comfortable with, but this is what makes you happy and as your parents we don't get a choice, we just have to learn to live with it. We're Cabots, we don't turn out backs on each other simply because we are uncomfortable, not if it's over something as simple as having a happy daughter or not having one at all. That's not even remotely a choice. We just needed to know you had thought...."

I cut him off as I leap off the couch and in a very un-Cabot manner, I throw myself into my father's unexpected arms as I kneel on the floor. He's caught off guard but it only takes him a second to wrap is big arms around me and hug me back. I feel the tears prick my eyes and let them fall lightly down my cheek. I pull back and look at my mother wanting to say something but not entirely sure what. She wipes a tear from my cheek and places her hand on my cheek.

"I'm terrible with affection Alexandra, as you know, but I do love you. Even if I had 10 daughters, I'd still only have one Alexandra and I would never give her up. I won't lie to you and tell you that I'm completely comfortable but most of that is simply because I worry about you, but I will learn to be more comfortable because I have no choice. I only have one of you." I wrap my arms around her and hug her tighter than I think I've ever done in my entire life. I pull back from her and look between the two of them. My parents who have just told me that it wasn't a choice between Olivia or them, somehow I get to have both.

"I'm sorry for doubting you, for assuming you'd just shun me, I should have known better," I tell them.

"How could you know how we'd react Alex," my father says. "We've never talked about things like this in our family. For that, WE are sorry. You should never have had reason to doubt that we would stand with you. It's a parent's duty to worry about the things they aren't sure their children have taken the time to consider, but it's also a parent's duty to love their children regardless of what conclusions they come to in regards to the things that make them happy. We must learn to be better at that, at making sure you know that we are with you now, and we will continue to stand with you as you navigate forward personally AND professionally."

"I love you both, so much." I tell them. "Thank you." And for the first time since I saw my mother in the park, I feel at ease. I made it through this on my own, maybe being an ADA in a relationship with a woman won't be as hard with them on my side, with me.

"I think I'd like to meet this Olivia," says my father, "To meet the woman who has captured my daughter's heart so completely that she was willing to chance losing her family and could be altering her future in law because of this one woman whom I have yet to meet. Yes, I think I'd like to meet this woman."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N

Well, turns out the Cabot blood is pretty strong. Soon enough Olivia will meet Father Cabot and Mother Cabot OFFICIALLY. Meeting the parents... Yikes!

But hooray for the Cabots, and yay for Alex, one of her major hurdles down and she soared over it! I'm so proud of my little baby! *heart eyes* :)


	26. Chapter 26

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, sadly. Well Melanie came from my own head as do any Cabots who appear going forward.

Rated: M

Holy cow! An update! I finally got a working computer and now I don't have to do this on just my ipad… not that that's the reason for the big break between the last chapter and now. I'm sorry this has taken SOOO long, if you're still out there thank you for waiting around for me to come back.

Summary: Alex heads out to a bar at the behest of her best friend. Her life will never be the same.

Olivia's POV

I must look ridiculous as I stand outside Alex's door arm poised to knock but nervous enough that I can't. I'm having brunch with Alex and her parents today and I've been both dreading and looking forward to this day since she told me her parents wanted to meet me. I'm terrified they won't approve of me. They've since accepted that Alex is in a relationship with a woman but accepting the gender is different from accepting the person. What if I'm not the right woman for her in their eyes. I know I'm the right one, but if they don't that could change things. What if they don't approve of me?

Laughter drifting through the door pulls me back and I knock lightly on the door. It's only a moment before Alex opens the door and steps into the hallway closing the door behind her.

"Uhh, everything OK?" I ask her a little concerned that she seems to need to speak to me privately.

"Everything is great," she replies before leaning in and pressing her lips against mine. I instinctively wrap my arms around her waist and pull her closer to me. I swipe my tongue along her bottom lip and feel her parting her lips. Her tongue touches mine as she deepens the kiss. Before I can do what I really want, which is to push her up against the door, I feel her pulling back. When I open my eyes I'm met with her piercing blue eyes and a smile across her face.

"I wasn't sure I would make it through an entire meal without doing that," she tells me. "That should hold me about 45 seconds," she says smiling as she reaches behind herself to turn the knob with her left hand.

Her right hand grabs mine and tugs me behind her into her apartment. She doesn't let go of my hand as she leads me toward the kitchen. As we step into view of the kitchen I see for the first time, Mr. Cabot. I've sort of met Mrs. Cabot, if you can call our previous encounter a meeting.

Mr. Cabot is a tall man which makes sense given Alex's height. He's distinguished looking from head to toe. He has aged quite gracefully though I imagine he was quite an attractive young man; now he's an attractive older gentleman. He has salt and pepper hair, not quite at the point where he's fully gray but has certainly started making that path. He's not a small man by any means, in fact he's a bear of a man. Even on a causal Sunday at his daughter's apartment he's still wearing a pressed collared shirt with dark blue slacks. He looks like he could throw a jacket on and step right into a courtroom.

"Dad, this is Olivia."

I reach my hand out to meet his and it is engulfed by his hand. It's like shaking a bear paw.

"It's nice to meet you Mr. Cabot," I tell him.

"Detective Benson, I've heard quite a bit about you, though not enough," he fixes his stare on me and I suddenly feel like a school girl in the principal's office.

"Well I hope I can answer any questions you might have for me," I respond before he releases my hand. When he does I turn to Alex's mother and and greet her. "Mrs. Cabot, it's nice to see you again."

"Detective Benson," she says, her voice conveying nothing as to her thoughts about today's meeting. "Alexandra and I will grab some drinks and meet you two in the living room," she says to both me and Alex's father, no room for questioning or argument from either of us, though I doubt he would argue it for a number of reasons. I send one partially concerned look towards Alex before following him to the living room.

He takes a seat in a chair and I take a seat on the couch turning myself towards him. I already know what's going to happen. He's going to grill me about anything and everything. He's going to give me whatever version of an upperclass shovel talk might be and if somehow I manage to pass this test he'll maybe learn to accept me as the woman Alex is dating. I am a grown adult though as I sit there waiting for him to begin, I feel a little like a small child about to be admonished. I push the idea and image out of my head and raise my head just slightly higher, refusing to let him scare me. I've taken down perps scarier than him, although the perps weren't Alex's father, so that did make them slightly easier to deal with.

"Detective Benson," he begins. "May I call you Olivia?" I answer him with a nod. "Listen Olivia, my wife wants to me ask you every conceivable question I could possibly come up with, but the truth is, Alexandra thinks highly of you. She was willing to risk her family and is willing to risk her career for you. I only have one question that I truly believe matters, 'Would you do the same for her?'"

Would I do the same for Alex? If I had family who cared would I give them up? Would I risk my career to be with her? There's no question about it.

"Of course I would," I respond with conviction. "If anyone was lucky enough to have Alex in their life but not willing to take chances for her then they would't deserve to have her in their life. I know how lucky I am to know Alex, to have her in my life. I would do everything in my power to make sure I didn't lose her presence in my life." I pause and look around to make sure I won't be overheard because this shouldn't be heard as a third party but he should know how I feel. When I'm sure Alex isn't in hearing distance I continue speaking. "Sir, you may not be ready to hear this—I know this is all a little new to you but I love your daughter. I'm IN LOVE with your daughter. And for as long as she'll let me be there for her, with her, beside her, I'll be there."

"You're right, Olivia, I'm not sure I'm fully ready to hear that a woman is in love with my daughter, but if I must hear it from a woman, I suspect you're the woman whom I'd prefer to hear it."

"I'm sorry sir, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," I answer honestly. "I know this can't be easy and to have someone tell you that they love your daughter but to have that someone not be what you've imagined can't be easy."

"It's alright. The fact is, no matter how uncomfortable I might be it won't change who Alex is in a relationship with. I don't plan on always being uncomfortable, I would prefer to just flip a switch and accept it, but it will take time. I hope you understand that."

"Of course, it's not easy for anyone, this has been difficult for Alex to accept too, but having her parents accept it and not shun her, helps."

"Despite still not fully being comfortable I do want to reiterate, if it's going to be a woman, I'd prefer it to be you."

"Thank you sir." And with that, it would seem the conversation is over. And a few moments later it really is over as Alex and her mother walk into the living room. Alex takes a seat next to me and her mother sits in the chair opposite her father on the other side of the coffee table.

"So what have you two been chatting about," asks Alex.

"Oh just the best golf courses in the world," her dad responds causally.

"Neither of you like golf, try again."

"Your wedding," her dad says back. Her mom nearly spits her coffee across the coffee table, Alex just stares at him like he's lost his mind and her father leans back in his chair laughing out loud. I just sit there smiling like a fool. I know it's not easy for every but for just a single moment it feels easy. It feels okay. It feels natural.

Alex's POV

Brunch was fairly successful, I think. I'm not entirely certain how one measures a situation like this. Considering I just came out to my parents and not having them be completely comfortable with me being in a relationship with a woman, they managed to make it through meeting said woman without any major incidents. The relief I feel is a weight off my shoulders. I was nearly as nervous about this as I was about my conversation with my parents. Logically I know my parents would act respectable, good breeding rarely lets one completely lose it in social situations but I also am smart enough to know that they could very well have been cold and frigid to Olivia. Instead they were friendly and kind. My father was a bit more comfortable with the situation than my mother was but she tried and I know she tried for no other reason than she loves me. She told me as much in the kitchen.

"Alexandra and I will grab some drinks and meet you two in the living room," my mother states. There's no questioning in her voice and my father knows her well enough that rather than responding he simply leads the way to the living room. Olivia shares a short look with me before following behind him. I follow my mother into the kitchen and begin making coffee. There's really nothing to do for brunch; I chose to have things delivered that way we could spend more time together. Normally I would just cook and we'd all congregate in the kitchen and it would be very informal but I felt my parents weren't ready for that just yet. That's too normal and I'm not sure they're ready for this to be normalized yet. Maybe there's a part of me that's not ready for it to be normalized yet.

"Alexandra," my mother grabs my attention from the coffee pot that I've been staring at for the last few minutes. "Your father really wanted this meeting to happen. I'm not fully ready yet," she tells me.

"I understand mother, I'm sorry he's pushing you faster than you're ready for," I answer back.

"He's not pushing me per say, I'm just not sure I'm accepting this as quickly as he seems to be."

"Mother, you're trying, and that's all I can ask from you or from him."

She pauses, mulling over my words, "I love you Alexandra. And I'm trying because I love you, but I can't promise it will be a fast process."

"You're trying," I repeat before stepping closer to her and pulling her into a hug. "I love you too mother."

The sound of the coffeemaker finishing pulls me back and I pour various cups full of coffee. My mother doctors my fathers coffee the way he likes it as I do the same for Olivia. It feels very domestic; dangerously normal. After settling into the living room I ask what Olivia and my father have been talking about in our absence. His response about golf courses is an utter lie and so he responds with another answer only this one makes my mother choke on her coffee. I'm fairly certain he must have a concussion or has entirely lost his mind. Olivia just sits there with a smile on her face while my father laughs so hard I think he might start crying. I'm mostly certain he was joking but either way, joking or not, it's a tad bit out of character for him.

Nearly four hours later my parents finally leave. Brunch seemed to go well. My parents got on well with Olivia and she seemed to enjoy herself despite her initial nervousness which she tried to hide from me. She wasn't very good at hiding it but she tried.

"Well, you are quite the trooper," I say to Olivia as I shut the door behind my parents.

"Nah, it wasn't bad at all. I like your parents. They're making an effort, not all parents do," she says with a brief look of sadness in her eyes before snapping herself out of it and looking back at me with a smile on her face.

"Well I still say you're a trooper, not a lot of people would agree to meeting their girlfriend's parents right after she had come out to them."

"Girlfriend?" I hear Olivia's quiet mutter, though it was so soft I'm not sure I was meant to hear it.

"Girlfriend." I saunter up to her and into her personal bubble slowly wrapping my arms around her neck and pulling her even closer to me as I lean in and press my lips close to the shell of her ear. "Girlfriend," I whisper my lips grazing her ear. When I feel her take a deep breath in I grin and lean back to look at her face. Her eyes are closed and she's lightly biting her lower lip. I wait until she opens her eyes before speaking again, this time my tone is mockingly serious. "Unless you'd prefer we not be girlfriends and just be friends." I emphasize the word friends as though it's an affront to me personally. She leans into me and captures my lips in a searing hot kiss, swiping her tongue into my mouth caressing my own and making my knees buckle just slightly.

"Friends don't do that do they?" She pretends to mull over the decision and all I can do is make some sort of incoherent noise that is hopefully taken as a negative to her answer. "Yeah, I suppose I'll be your girlfriend."

"Well gee, when you put it that way, maybe don't go out of your way," I joke back.

"Alexandra Jacqueline Cabot, will you please be my girlfriend?" The joking tone is gone from her voice.

"Nothing would make me happier," I respond before leaning down and recapturing her lips. I feel myself being pushed back towards the door until I feel the door against my back. Olivia's lips leave mine to explore the column of my neck. She started near my jawline and slowly makes her way down to my collarbone before slowly nipping her way back up to my ear. I feel her lips settle on my ear and feel her breath as she speaks in a low husky voice.

"Does this feel familiar?" And it does. The sensation of being trapped against the door from our one night together comes flooding back to me. I wrap my arms around her neck before turning my head towards her hoping she understands my need to feel her lips on mine. She takes my silent signal and presses her lips back to mine before parting her lips and pulling my bottom lip into the warm wet space of her mouth. I hear a quiet moan and realize it's me. I pull her impossibly closer to me as I feel her tongue swiping over my lip before seeking entrance into my mouth. I don't deny her, I couldn't deny her even if I wanted. I slide my right leg between hers as I move my hands down to the loops on her pants. I grab the loops on either side of her pants and use them to pull her closer to me and down onto my leg. I can feel more than even hear the deep moan she lets out as I make contact with her center over our clothing. I feel it against my chest which is pressed tight between hers and the door. I feel it in my mouth when the sound leaves her body and enters mine. I feel it when her body grinds down on my leg. I'm surrounded entirely by Olivia and it's mildly overwhelming in the best possible way. My body, struggling for more of Olivia, begins to rock into her and she rocks back, meeting my body and dancing with it. My body knows what it wants. My body wants Olivia but the part of me that isn't still completely ready to do this yet pulls me back. Everything is too much. My family was just here, they've met Olivia, this should put me completely at ease but it doesn't. There's a small part of me that still isn't completely ready and I want to bulldoze that part of me but I can't. Instead I pull back slightly and rest my head against the door.

"We should slow down," says Olivia.

"I'm sorry," I tell her. "I want to not have this small inkling. It's just a lot now. It's like I have permission now and I can't quite do it. But Jesus do I want to."  
"It's okay Alex, it really is. There's no rush. You're right, you do have permission now and that alone can be very overwhelming. I'm not going anywhere," she says before quickly kissing me n the lips and then walking away towards the living room.

"I thought you said you weren't going anywhere!" I shout after her with a smile then push myself off the door and follow her to the living room. She's settled onto the couch and is already scanning through things to watch. "I guess you're staying here for a little while?" I give her a stare and arch my eyebrow for effect.

"Yup, can't get rid of me that easily, I'm not just in this for the sexy fun times," she says with a wink.

Good thing, I think to myself, cause she hasn't had sexy fun times since our first night. Sure there's been some make out sessions but mostly it's been a slow process. A slow process which she has been amazingly kind and patient about. I know this can't be fun for her. I feel like every day I get her worked up only to stop it before it goes too far. I realize how lucky I am to have her. I lean over the back of the couch and kiss her gently on the cheek.

"What's that for?"

"Because you're kind, and good, and sweet, and caring and I'm a very very lucky woman," I answer.

A/N:

So I've decided that I'm going to write the chapters and not upload them until I'm finished with the story because I think if you've stuck around this long then you deserve an ending and I hate myself for not finishing the story sooner for you. So if you're reading this then it's finished and no more wondering if I'll ever update this and give you an ending.

ALSO I'm sure some of you feel this was a long wait for a quick and simple interaction, I thought about a number of scenarios and I opted to go with quick and simple on purpose, I wanted the Cabots to just kinda be okay with it without it being a huge deal, even if they aren't 100% okay.


	27. Chapter 27

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, sadly. Well Melanie came from my own head as do any Cabots who appear going forward.

Rated: M

For the record, I know NOTHING about a Policeman's Ball so please be aware I'm totally making anything about it up and I know I am, shouldn't be a huge deal anyway, it's not like this is about the Policeman's Ball. Anywhoo file under "Artistic license." *shrug*

Summary: Alex heads out to a bar at the behest of her best friend. Her life will never be the same.

Olivia's POV

God I hate going to this stupid thing. The Policeman's Ball just seems like a lot of showing off in our fanciest which is not what we actually do on a daily basis. We're far from fancy on a daily basis. I understand the idea behind it and the funds we raise but all this pomp and circumstance is just a bit over the top to me. That and I truly dislike wearing my Class As. I feel like a dude. I feel like a stereotype "lesbian" in my slightly blocky, overly starched blue uniform on show all the rich donators who want to show how humanitarian they are by the amount of zeros they put on their checks. But Cragen threatened me with taking over paperwork for the entire team for a month and I'll be damned if I'm doing Finn, Elliot and Munch's crap work just so I can skip this silly thing. Plus Alex told me she would be there with the District Attorney's office and how could I pass up a chance to see her? We talked about possibly going together and Alex was game for it but I'm not sure she was completely ready for it so we're going to be there at the same time together but not there together. I'm going with the squad and she's going with some of the others from the DA's office.

The Ball is being held at the Schwarzman Building. When we arrive at the library it's a zoo, with a red carpet. Person upon person dressed to the nines slowly making their way into the building as they stop to have their pictures taken by the press for what I assume is the society pages. The guys and I all stop and take the obligatory photo for the press. We continue our way up the stairs into the building. We're in a room called the Bartos Forum although to call it a room is clearly an insult. The room is an enormous open space with columns around the edge of the room. The ceiling is a looks like a domed class spiderweb. Lights from all over bathe the room in a blue glow, giving everything a tinge of blue to it. The room is filling with expensively dressed men and women; the men in their simple tuxes and the women in their ornate gowns with jewelry to match. Caters are quietly weaving their way through the crowd of people with small finger foods and tall glasses of champagne. From the corner nearest me I hear someone remarking on the champagne.

"Hell yes, the is the good stuff! You invite me to the fanciest places Alex!" I turn around and see Alex's friend Melanie facing me. Alex has her back to me, I don't need to see her from the front to recognize her. I could find her anywhere. Her long blonde hair is cascading down her back, light waves seem to make it bounce around even more than usual when she moves her head. She's wearing a long red dress which is cut low in the back leaving almost half of her back exposed. When she shakes her head her hair moves back and forth giving small glimpses of even more exposed skin. I can feel my fingers twitch in desire to touch her.

"Whoa." Elliot snaps me out of my possibly leering stare. "Is that Cabot?"

"Yes," I respond.

"Well shit, get over there," he says before nudging me towards Alex and Melanie. I begin to make my way through the crowd towards them when Melanie looks over Alex's shoulder at me. I smile and she smiles back. As if in slow motion I watch Alex turn around, presumably to see who Melanie is smiling at. Her head whips around first and honestly, if I were in a movie this moment would be in slow motion. As she turns her head over her right shoulder her hair flips over her left. Her eyes make find mine and she turns the rest of her body as her face lights up and she smiles at me with one of those smiles that could solve the entire world's problems. She starts walking towards me as I continue making my way to her. The front of her dress is simple and understated in the best way, or so I assumed until she takes her first step in my direction and I realize her dress is hiding a slit from the bottom of the dress all the way up to the middle of her thigh. For just a moment my feet falter and fail me and my step stutters. I regain my footing as quickly as possible and hope no one noticed, but the smirk I see on Alex's face and the mirth in her eyes tells me at least one person saw. When I finally reach her it takes everything in my power not to pull her into my arms and kiss her senseless. Instead we both reach out to each other at the same time and pull each other into a seemingly casual hug. She smells fantastic—the perfect mixture of her perfume and the scent that is entirely Alex.

"Alex," I say when we have pulled away from each other. I took the opportunity to grab her hands in what could be seen as a friendly connection. I look deep into her eyes and hope she knows I mean so much more than I can say right now. "You look stunning. Absolutely breathtaking," I tell her. My fingers hidden by her hands slowly caress her palms.

"Thank you." A light blush tinges her cheeks, "You look amazing yourself Olivia. But then again I might be biased." She winks at me and smiles her thousand watt smile. We stand there for a few moments just looking each other over, as though no one else exists. We definitely aren't alone though as we are soon reminded.

"Ugh, gross, seriously you guys?" Melanie interrupts our moment and I let go of Alex's hands and pull Melanie into a hug which she resists jokingly. "Okay okay, let go, I've been known to accidentally woo a girl or two away from their dudes, I'm sure my friend would hate it if I stole you."

"Yes, I imagine your friend would bury you twelve feet under if you stole the girl they were dating," Alex chimes in.

"But I doubt I would fall for you cause the friend of yours I'm dating is one hell of a catch, no offense," I add.

"None taken, if my friend had eyes for me, I'd have settled them down a long time ago. Well that and if settling down with my friend didn't feel like something they do in a Deliverance movie."

"You're so weird," Alex tell Melanie.

"Yup, and that's why you keep me around. I make these boring stuffy events fun!" Melanie gestures around as if to prove her point.

"You make it an embarrassment to be your friend and I only invited you to this because your firm is paying a large chunk to get you in and if I'm lucky everyone will find out that the embarrassing woman is my friend and refuse to let me come to another one of these again," Alex banters back.

"Wounded Al," Melanie says miming out an injury to her chest. "You're only using me for my money and to hopefully be banned. Just for that I'm going to be on my best be…. Oohhh bacon wrapped shrimp and a hot caterer!" And with that Melanie is gone chasing after either shrimp or the server carrying the shrimp. I already feel for the caterer, I hope she at least likes women.

"She can't even make it through that sentence, she'll never behave all night long," Alex says to me. She pauses for a moment before speaking again. "Hi."

"Hi back," I say suddenly a little shy. This feels different. This feels like a first date even though we are well past that point. Perhaps it's the crowd of people or all our friends and co-workers or just that we are pretending that we're simply friends. Whatever it is, it feels different and it has me feeling shy. Alex must feel the same way because she starts to do that cute rambling thing she does occasionally.

"Melanie is always like this, and this is just the tip of the iceberg, she'll get worse. She's so charming though that soon enough she'll have half the room doing a conga line or something else completely ridiculous. She once got my father to sing karaoke at a Cabot event. To this day I still don't know how she did it."

"What song was it?" The idea of her father singing in front of a group of people at one of their events is baffling.

"My Heart Will Go On," she answers laughing.

"Oh my God." I laugh along with her the image just too much. Her father is even more surprising than I originally thought.

"She likes to remind him of that frequently."

"Your father is a bit of a softy on the inside isn't he," I state more than ask.

"Yes, he's tough at first, but at his core, he loves his family more than I even knew until recently," she says with a smile on her face.

"They're good people Alex," I tell her.

"They really are," she agrees.

"Al! Look what the giant cat dragged in!" Melanie is storming back through the crowd of people with Alex's parents following along as though it's completely natural to have a human bulldozer clear a path for them. I didn't realize they would be here tonight, though why wouldn't they, all of New York's elite society is here of course they would be too.

"Alexandra," her mother greets her with a hug before turning to me. "Hello Detective Benson, it's lovely to see you again." She surprises me as she reaches out and pulls me into a quick hug.

"Mrs. Cabot it's a pleasure to see you again too," I tell her back. I turn to her father and stick my hand out. "Mr. Cabot it's nice to see you." He grabs my hand giving it a strong firm shake.

"It's very nice to see you again as well Detective Benson, you look quite nice in your uniform."

"Thank you sir." I can't help but stand just a little taller in front of him, not in an attempt to overshadow him, I'm not sure that's possible, but rather in an effort to be as tall and proud as I feel after getting a compliment from him.

"Hey Alexander, they're queueing up the band, want me to see if they'll play your song?" Melanie gently elbows Alex's father in the side as she winks at him in an over exaggerated manner. I'm amazed at how informal she is with him, though I'm sure if I weren't in love with Alex and had known her family for years perhaps maybe I'd be a bit more casual with them. But not as casual as she is, ever.

"Well if anyone can get him to do it Melanie, it would be you," her mother adds.

"Perhaps after a few rounds of tequila shooters," her father answers with a smile and a wink. "In the meantime I suppose you and I," he says holding his hand out for her mother to grab, "should get back to mingling through the room, I'm fairly certain I just saw Judge Donnelly. We'll find you ladies a little later," he says before disappearing with his wife back into the sea of people.

"Damn, I was sure I'd get him to sing tonight," Melanie says.

"Honestly, I don't know how you do it. He lets you get away with so much more than me and I'm his daughter, I should have him wrapped around my little finger."

"Oh you do Al, but with me he doesn't have to care. If I do something insanely stupid he can just write me off and be done with me, but with you, he's stuck with you. And he knows my upbringing was considerably less cultured than yours and perhaps he feels I'm a cultured and fancy as I'll ever be so why fight it? You know?"

"He has succumbed to your charm though, you know that right?"

"Oh of course he has, I know that." Melanie takes a moment to look around the room. "Well this has been fun but I just saw a lady who looks like she needs a little Melanie in her life. Ta for now!" And with that Melanie is off again onto her next conquest.

"She never stops does she?" Alex turns back towards me.

"Nope, never. How do you think it came to be that I was drinking on my own that night? She always has her eye on me though, making sure I don't need help."

"Well she can take a break, I'll keep an eye on you tonight and protect you from random pick-ups."

"I highly doubt I'll have many people hitting on me at this function tonight," she says back with a classic eye-roll.

"You never know, I'm just saying, if you get hit on, I can pretend to be your girlfriend to start a rumor."

Alex's POV

From the moment I turned around and saw Olivia in her Class As I've been itching to physically show my affection for her uniform. I've always loved seeing her in it. I guess the idea of someone in uniform crosses either gender. Her hair is pulled back into a tight bun at the nape of her neck to keep the hair off her collar. She's standing even taller than she usually does. Like magnets, the moment I see her I begin to walk to her. I watch as her eyes travel down my gown to the exposed skin of my leg that shows when I walk. I smirk when I see her trip ever so slightly, I'm not saying it's because of me but I do know she hasn't taken her eyes off me since the moment we laid eyes on each other. When we reach each other, as much as I want to reach out and pull her lips to mine, I know I shouldn't so instead we pull each other in to a friendly hug. She grabs my hands and in what looks to the outside like a friendly gesture holds them as she tells me I look stunning. I can't help but blush. It's partly the compliment but it's also the feeling of her fingers stroking my palm. It's such a small gesture but it makes me a little warmer. Melanie interrupts us and on the one hand I could kill her because I want nothing more than just to stay there with Olivia holding my hands drawing figures on my palm. On the other hand if Olivia doesn't stop that things will happen that should not happen in a public arena.

It doesn't take very long for Melanie to disappear into the crowd looking for a hot woman. I find myself slightly nervous and so I begin to ramble on about Melanie and the things she can with her charm.

Melanie returns with my parents following behind her and we all exchange pleasantries before they disappear back to the crowd to find Judge Donnelly. Shortly after Melanie disappears again into the crowd looking for the notch on her bedpost Olivia sees Elliot and suggests we head over to him. As she's done hundreds of times, she places her hand on the small of my back to guide me through the room. I've only taken a few steps before I feel the warmth of her hand on my bare skin. Her hand is resting just under my shoulder blades and she's making impossibly small movements on my skin with her thumb. This time it's my turn to lose my footing. Olivia is quick though. She's spun around directly in front of me and has placed both her hands on my shoulders.  
"Careful Alex," she says and she slides her hands down my shoulders to my arms leaving goosebumps in their wake. "You wouldn't want to trip and fall," she tells me. The glint in her eyes tells me she's doing all of this on purpose. Two can play at that game.

"No, I certainly wouldn't," I respond. "Thank you so much for helping me Detective Benson, but I think your tie might have been a little messed up when you so gallantly caught me." I reach out and "fix" her the knot of her tie before pulling the tail through my fingers down her chest letting my fingers graze down her front while staring directly into her eyes. I can feel her breathe in a shaky breath and she closes her eyes for a moment. I reach the end of her tie and give it a firm yank downward. She opens her eyes and with dark eyes stares into mine.

"Be careful what games you play Detective you're liable to lose," I tell her before sauntering away towards Elliot who is trying to look anywhere but at us. I shouldn't have done that but I couldn't help it, she needed to learn she's not the only one who can tease.

By the time I reach Elliot Olivia has caught up and has retaken her place next to me.

"ADA Cabot you look fantastic," Elliot tells me before gesturing to his wife. "This is my wife Kathy."

I reach out to shake her hand, "Yes, we've met, last year at this same function if I remember correctly. You look lovely."

"Thank you and I agree with my husband, you look fantastic." She looks to Olivia, "Don't you agree Liv?"

Olivia just blushes and I can't help the small laugh that comes out of me. "Not funny," Olivia answers, pouting.  
"It's your own fault Olivia," I tell her smugly.

"What's with grumpy face," Melanie says returning from her latest adventure.

"She's just mad she was bested at her own game," I inform Melanie. "And that her friends saw."

"Ooh, are you two doing something weird and kinky?" Melanie looks between the two of us wiggling her eyebrows much like one of the Marx brothers; whichever one was more of an idiot.

"Just playing a game," I tell her trying to sound bored.

"A kinky game?" She's now alternating between wiggling her eyebrows and winking and nudging me in the waist. I simply roll my eyes before giving in and laughing. Melanie is nothing if not always entertaining. "So how much longer do we stay here in this room of stuffy though attractive women before we can leave and go some place fun prom-style?"

"What is prom-style," I ask Melanie.

"You know, when you leave prom you go out some place in your over-the-top prom dress, like a McDonald's and then go someplace else and dirty up the over-the-top prom dresses," she tells me.

"I'm quite sure we had two rather different proms."

"Ugh was yours stuffy? It totally was. Show of hands who had my version of prom?" She raises her hand and looks at the group waiting for them to raise their hands. They all raise their hands and I'm stuck standing there being the odd one out.

"It's settled then, let's blow this joint," Melanie says.

"We can't just leave, we just got here, it has barely started." The shock and horror I'm feeling at leaving an event well before it's proper to leave must be written all over my face because she looks back at me with the same shock and horror before for informing me that we absolutely can.

She leans into Olivia's space and whispers just loud enough for Olivia and I to hear, "Get your girl Olivia, she needs to see how the other half did prom."

Olivia looks at me with a glint in her eye and a face that says she feels Melanie is right before holding her hand out to me, "Whatdya say Cabot? Wanna be a rebel?"

A/N

Two today cause y'all have been so amazing. It'll be one a day from here til the end. Thanks again for being amazing and sticking around and being supportive of this chick who decided two write something years ago. 3


	28. Chapter 28

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, sadly. Well Melanie came from my own head as do any Cabots who appear going forward.

Rated: M

Who doesn't want to be a rebel every once in a while?

Summary: Alex heads out to a bar at the behest of her best friend. Her life will never be the same.

Alex's POV

"Whatdya say Cabot? Wanna be a rebel?" Olivia's hand is stretched out waiting for me to decide if I want to do something I've never done ever; leave an event before it's appropriate to do so. I'd like to say it was a difficult choice for me. I'd like to say that everything that has been taught to me to this moment guided me in the proper social etiquette direction but I can't. I look from her hand to her eyes which are sparkling with joy and have a glint of mischievousness and I can't say no. I grab her hand and uncharacteristically let her lead me through the room by my hand. Following behind us are Elliot and his wife and we are all following Melanie and the original server who I'm sure will be upset she snuck out of this event tomorrow. We weave our way through the room and I cringe when I make eye contact with my parents. To my surprise they shoot me a smile and my father winks before turning his attention back to the couple speaking to him. For the first time in a long time I don't hear my parent's voices in the back of my mind telling me not to behave this way. For the first time I hear them telling me to have fun; to enjoy myself and so I relax, fully planning on doing what they say like I always do.

Melanie leads our human train out of the building, down the red carpeted stairs and into the park across the street. We walk past a sign indicating a musical event in the park tonight. Melanie takes us to the center of the park where she drops down onto the grass with her date following suit. Olivia and Elliot exchange a look between the grass and each other before Olivia shrugs and takes off her jacket. She sits down on the grass next to her jacket and pats the makeshift blanket she has created for me. I gawk at her for a moment teetering between the desire to swoon at her very romantic gesture and shock at the idea that I could sit on her jacket and potentially ruin it. She must read my mind because before I refuse she stops me.

"It can be cleaned Alex. Sit down before Elliot copies me and I lose bragging rights about how gallant I am." She smiles that smile at me, the one that would probably get me to rob a bank with her if she asked. Elliot, taking his cue, is dramatically wrestling his jacket off making a big show of it and playing right along with Olivia's verbal cue. I laugh and quickly sit down on Olivia's jacket, well as quickly as one can in a floor length dress without giving an entire park of people a show. The moment I'm seated Elliot tosses his jacket on the ground.

"Damn," he says, "I lose most romantic to Olivia!"

"Don't worry El, I'll teach you everything I know that way Kathy won't leave you for me," she teases back. I lightly smack Olivia on the arm, Kathy taps her on the back of the head with her clutch and Elliot reaches over me and punches her in the arm. Kathy sits down on Elliot's jacket and kisses him on the cheek,

"Don't worry Elliot, I would never leave you for Olivia," she says before smiling in my direction, "she's clearly already taken. Melanie's cute too though." Elliot jokingly glares at Olivia then at Melanie.

"Relax dude, I'm no one's sloppy seconds," Melanie says smugly.

"You couldn't be even if you tried," Olivia reassures Melanie.

"I like this one Al, keep her, she thinks I'm cool."

"Kathy clearly hit her harder on her head than it appeared. She's obviously got a concussion."

"You are hilarious Alex. Really, you should quit your job and do a traveling stand up show. Why don't you start now?" Melanie, being the very tall toddler that she is, sticks her tongue out at me before laughing and smiling. Her date who has been sitting next to her looks between the group before deciding she didn't care enough and begins digging through her backpack. She pulls out what must be a change of clothes and another pair of shoes and finally she pulls out a large bottle of champagne which was clearly liberated from the ball.

"Ah ha!" She triumphantly lifts the bottle above her head like a trophy before pulling off the foil and cage and popping the bottle of champagne open. I look around quickly.

"Relax Al," Melanie says. "You can bring alcohol to these outdoor music things." As if to prove her point she lifts the bottle to her mouth and takes a generous drink before handing it back to her date who also takes a big sip before handing it to Olivia.

"In uniform, thanks but no thanks," Olivia says before handing the bottle to me. Having already had 2 glasses at the event I decline as well before seeing if Kathy wants any. She declines also and so I pass it back to Melanie's date.

"Lame," Melanie says with a smile.

A few minutes later five men in matching suits walk onto the stage. They step in front of each of the 5 standing microphones on the stage. Olivia leans into my space turning her head so her lips are just close enough that it looks friendly but just close enough that I can feel her breath on my ear. "I've never actually seen one of the live musical events here. I always read about them and want to go but never have gone to one before," she says.

I suppress the urge to close my eyes but I can't control the goosebumps that raise on my skin or the shuddering breath I take in. There's someone talking on from the stage but I can't concentrate on anything but the feeling of having Olivia's mouth so close to my skin. I know I could turn my head and catch her lips with mine but then she'd win. So I let her have this moment.

"Neither have I," I say back. She turns her head back to the stage and I take the chance to lean into her space. I lean in closer to her ear than she was to mine, much closer and purposefully husk into her ear letting my lips just barely graze the shell of her ear. "I suppose there's something to be said about a first time with someone you like." I see her take her lower lip into her mouth, biting lightly on it as she closes her eyes. Next to me I hear Elliot clear his throat and I lean back as if nothing important just happened. Olivia opens her eyes and glares the direction of Elliot and I. I'm not sure who specifically she's glaring at but she's glaring nonetheless.

"You're gonna give her blue balls," I hear Melanie say and now Olivia is glaring at Melanie as I feel Elliot shift, when I turn to look at him he's turned a shade of red that I've never actually seen on a person without face paint. He looks absurd and I can't help the laugh that comes freely out of my mouth. Kathy begins laughing next to me followed by Melanie. Olivia is trying to pretend she's mad at someone and Elliot looks as though he'll ever be able to make eye contact with me or Olivia ever again. It's not long before Olivia gives up her charade and begins laughing a long with us and while Elliot has moved onto muttering something about if he had a sister and he doesn't want to know about Olivia's blue anything. The men on stage begin singing, "Walk Like A Man".

"This must be an oldies song thing," Melanie states. "This is right up your alley Alex, man I'm good."

"Into the oldies are you?" Olivia asks.

"They remind me of my grandmother," I tell her. "She was a child of the 30s but she really loved the music from the 50s. She used to tell me it reminded her of her carefree years before full adult responsibly kicked in. We would sit in her living room and listen to records she kept from the 50s. If it was popular then, I probably know it. And the songs they wrote, the songs they wrote about heartbreak could break you heart. And the love songs. Amazing."

"Alex used to listen to oldies when we were trying to study. She might strike you as the kind of gal who listens to boring classical when she's studying because she read a study where they say it helps you learn or whatever, but not Alex. I used to make her put on headphones because she would blast the oldies and no one could concentrate on our floor. The problem with making her wear headphones was that she would sing along and let me tell you…"

"They get it Melanie, I like oldies."

"I'm just saying that if they had to listen to you sing they'd…"

"I swear to God Melanie I will tell them about the night in New Orleans," I threaten.

"They'd fall to their knees and profess marriage cause you're that good," she finishes her sentence.

"Good, now stuff it!"

"Wait. Wait, what about a night in New Orleans?" Elliot asks.

"Nothing! It was nothing right Al?" Melanie answers.

"Oh I love this song," I say changing the subject. It seems to have worked as no one is talking and we're all listening as the men on stage sing their rendition of "You've Really Got A Hold On Me."

Oivia's POV

I'm sitting next to Alex listen to the men on stage sing about being madly in love with someone. I can't help but think that's it's perfect, she really does have a hold on me. I do need her. She's right about the love songs. People have begun to casually dance with each other; mimicking the dances from the time period when the songs speed up and pulling each other close when the songs slow down. When they begin singing "Can't Help Falling In Love" I lean into Alex and sit with my shoulder touching hers. I feel as she leans into me allowing a little of her weight to meet my own. We sit there listening to the words of the song touching only at out shoulders. This feels important. Not just for me or for her but for us. When the song ends I turn and without thinking press a soft chaste kiss to her cheek. The moment I do it I realize what I've done and begin to apologize.

"I'm sorry Alex, I wasn't even thinking."

She doesn't respond. Instead she leans into me and pressing her lips to my cheek quickly before pulling back and looking me in the eyes. "It's okay," she tells me before turning her head back to the stage. Elliot catches my eye and instead of being embarrassed or acting shy he simply smiles at me; the kind of smile you smile when you see an adorable puppy being cute. I want to punch him. I want to hug him. He's been so supportive and best friend sort of way. He's also been a bit of an older brother about it but mostly it's been the best friend type of supportive, I give him a smile before turning my focus back to the stage.

I've lost track of how long we've been sitting listening to the singers on stage. I don't really care to be honest. I'm simply enjoying the time surrounded by Alex and our friends. It feels so easy and carefree. It feels right. On the stage the lead singer is introducing a new female singer. She will be singing a song called Misty originally sung by Johnny Mathis. I hear Alex say she loves this song before feeling her stand up. I watch as she stands in front of me looking down where I'm sitting before holding her hand out to me.

"Will you dance with me Olivia?"

I must have hesitated for just a moment too long because she begins apologizing and pulls her hand back. I didn't hesitate for any other reason than I was surprised, happily surprised. Before she can fully pull her hand away I grasp it. I feel like a man who has been adrift in the ocean for far too long, I reach for her like she's my lifeline. After grasping her hand pull myself up so I am directly in front of her.

"Wild horses couldn't keep me from dancing with you Alex," I tell her before leading her a few feet in front of our group. I know we aren't alone but I certainly don't want to feel like they're a part of this moment either, I love them but this is for Alex and I only.

When we reach a spot just far enough away I pull her into me and wrap my free arm around her waist pulling her even closer into me. My hand is wrapped around her hand and I pull it to my chest, letting it rest there right over my heart. My other arm is wrapped around her back, my hand splayed open at the place where her skin ends and her dress begins. I let half of my hand rest on her soft skin and the other rest on her dress. I feel her nestle even closer into me and can't help but smile when I feel her nose press against the skin on my neck. We stand together slowly swaying to the music. I take the chance to listen to the lyrics being sung from the stage.

"Look at me,  
I'm as helpless as a kitten up a tree;  
And I feel like I'm clingin' to a cloud,  
I can' t understand  
I get misty, just holding your hand.  
Walk my way,  
And a thousand violins begin to play,  
Or it might be the sound of your hello,  
That music I hear,  
I get misty, the moment you're near.  
Can't you see that you're leading me on?  
And it's just what I want you to do,  
Don't you notice how hopelessly  
I'm lost  
That's why I'm following you.  
On my own,  
When I wander through this wonderland alone,  
Never knowing my right foot from my left  
My hat from my glove  
I'm too misty, and too much in love.  
Too misty,  
And too much  
In love"

It feels like a fitting song for us to dance to as an official couple. I am too much in love with her. As the song ends I feel as though I should say something. I'm not sure what though. I know what I want to say to her but I know this is not the time for it, she wouldn't be ready for it yet.

"Alex I," I begin, not knowing how to answer. It turns out I don't have to answer. She pulls me in and captures my lips with her own. I am very effectively silenced as I can only focus on one thing now; her lips on mine. Everything else disappears but Alex and I and the feeling of her in my arms; the feeling of her on my lips. It's a simple kiss, nothing risqué but it speaks volumes and though it doesn't last long, it feels like it is never ending. She pulls back and waits for me to open my eyes. When I open them the only thing I see is Alex and the smile that's gracing her face.

"Thank you," she says and I'm not sure if she means for the dance, the kiss, or for something even bigger that we haven't exactly spoken about yet.

"Always," I tell her. And I mean it; I will always dance with her, I will always kiss her, I will always be there to love her. She takes my hand and leads me back to the group. It's not long before the show is over and we are standing up getting ready to leave.

"Okay gang, where to next?" Melanie asks clearly ready to hit up whatever open bar or club she can find.

"I think we're done," Elliot says. "The babysitter has class tomorrow, we told her we wouldn't be late."

"Adult responsibilities," Melanie responds with a sneer. "I'm never growing up."

"I'd be shocked if you did," Alex retorts.

"Yeah yeah Cabot, so where are we going?" Melanie looks at Alex hopeful that she will keep the evening going.

"WE," Alex begins gesturing between she and I, "are not going out with you, so wherever you two are going, I'm sure will be great and full of other tall children out past their bedtime."

"Oh it's past your bedtime is it Al? Need the babysitter to tuck you in?" Melanie is laughing as she wiggles her eyebrows teasing Alex.

"And that's my cue to take my wife home and stay out of whatever Alex and Olivia plan on doing at bedtime." Elliot smiles at me as I turn what must certainly be a shade of eggplant purple.

"Jesus El," I mutter. "Goodnight Kathy," I say before hugging Kathy. "Go away," I say to Elliot as I playfully shove him away from the group.

"Night Liv! Have a wonderful evening," he taunts even as he retreats from me. "Night Alex!"

"So babysitter," Melanie directs to me, "gonna make sure the kid gets home safe?"

"I'm right here," says Alex. "And I'm older than you."

"Sure, in THAT sense Al, but."

"Finish that sentence and Olivia will have to open a case on your death."

"Kay, night ladies! Hey don't let the bedbugs bite, unless ya know, you're into that sort of thing," Melanie says as she dodges Alex's hand. "Which... gross," Melanie continues. "I just imagined Alex in bed and now it's weird." She laughed before quickly sauntering off laughing leaving a red-faced Alex.

"I'm gonna kill her, it's like having the worst kid sister ever."

"So can I walk you home counselor?" I ask changing the subject.

"Only if you'll make sure my house is safe detective."

"Of course, what kind of a protector of the people would I be if I just dumped you off at your front door?" I put my arm out for her to grab. She chuckles before sliding her arm in mine and we head toward the street to find a cab.

Despite the majority of the crowd leaving the park at the same time, it doesn't take long to find a cab. Everyone must be doing what Melanie is doing; looking for the next place open for them to settle in until the night is officially over. Alex slides into the cab and I slide in after her. She gives her address to the driver and we settle in as she drives us through the streets of New York.

The way Alex is sitting makes the fabric of her dress fall off her leg showing off the expanse of her skin. The red dress contrasted against her light skin makes my heart jump and pick up its pace. I lean into her resting the weight on my arm closest to her and maneuver my lips so they are just barely touching the shell of her ear.

"Did I mention how much I really enjoy your dress this evening Alexandra?" My voice has dropped to a breathless husk and I see her breathing speed up at the sound of my voice. "Did you know how much I would love it?" Her breathing gets heavier and her eyes close slowly. "Do you know how much I wanted to reach out and touch that skin every time you moved and your leg would peek out at me?"

She opens her eyes and turns her head, looking me directly into my eyes with a challenge in hers. "What's stopping you?"

That's the permission I've been waiting for. I reach my right arm out to her and gently let my fingers feather over her exposed knee before slowly and lightly dragging them up her leg to where the meets her skin. I lift my hand off her leg and bring it up to her face before pulling her to me and claiming her lips with my own. The kiss starts out as soft and gentle but before I let her get the rhythm I swipe my tongue across her lower lip and seek entrance into her mouth. She allows me access and I slide my tongue against hers swallowing the soft moan that comes from her. She turns her body toward me and pushes both her hands into my hair and pulling me closer. She slides her tongue in rhythm with mine. My right hand moves from her head to her back and slides down until I reach her waist. I settle my hand on her waist squeezing and massaging it before moving it down to her thigh. I wrap my hand around the inside of her thigh and spread my fingers out reaching and touching as much of her has my hand can touch. I begin a slow massage of her skin. I slowly slide my hand up her inner thigh with each movement of my hand. I nearly reach the junction of her thigh when I hear the cab driver clear her throat. We pull ourselves a part and look out the window finding ourselves outside Alex's apartment. I reach for my wallet but the driver stops me.

"I'm not taking money from one of New York's finest," she tells me.

We argue about being on duty and not being on duty and eventually I give up, she's not going to take any money from me tonight. I sigh, thank her and open the door. Alex refuses to let her get off easy and pushes some money into her hand through the small hole in the partition and fixing her with the stare. That seems to suffice and the driver takes the money and the extremely large tip before saying goodnight and driving off.

Alex and I stand on the sidewalk for a moment looking at each other. We both know what will happen if I go upstairs, I need to know she's ready.

"Alex, I don't have to come up. It would be okay if I didn't," I tell her sincerely.

A/N

If you're curious about the song, here's a link to it. /xk8c17HuWOo


	29. Chapter 29

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, sadly. Well Melanie came from my own head as do any Cabots who appear going forward.

Rated: M

And so continues the saga of will she/won't she. Spoiler Alert: She will. It's that time again... Children shield your eyes!

Summary: Alex heads out to a bar at the behest of her best friend. Her life will never be the same.

Olivia's POV

"Alex, I don't have to come up. It would be okay if I didn't," I tell her sincerely. Both Alex and I know what it means if I come upstairs with her tonight. The whole night has been building up to what happens next and I want her to be completely sure she's ready for this. I don't want her to feel pushed or as though she never had a choice. She has a choice and she holds every single card.

"I want you to come up Olivia." She reaches for my hand and gives it a soft squeeze with her own. "I won't lie Olivia, I'm nervous, but there's nothing more I want than for you to come upstairs with me tonight." Without letting go of my hand she walks towards the building and opens the door with her other hand. She pulls me through the lobby. We stop at the desk and exchange niceties with the evening doorman. After a quick conversation we head to the elevators still connected by our hands. The ride in the elevator to her floor is quiet and neither of us speak even as we walk down the hall to her door. She finally lets go of my hand to dig her keys out of her clutch. She opens the door and like so many times before I follow her into her apartment and lock the door behind me. Only it's not like so many times before. We must both nervous because once the door is closed we stand facing each other like two awkward teenagers at the end of a first date. I break the silence first.

"Do you mind if I hang my jacket up? I feel rather formal standing in your apartment in full regalia," I tell her gesturing to my uniform.

"At least you're not in 3 inch heels," Alex responds gesturing to her outfit. When she shifts her leg peeks out from the slit in her dress.

"But those 3 inch heels do something amazing to your already stunning legs," I tell her openly staring at the bare skin on display.

"Oh really? You think my legs are stunning?" Alex saunters closer to me, moving her hips just enough to make the fabric of her dress sway and show off her legs with each step. I want to answer her, I want to respond with something witty but all I can do is try not to immediately attack the skin peeking out at me though I do fully intend on doing just that later tonight. I settle my hands on her hips when she steps close enough for me to touch her. I pull her closer to me until she and I are pressed close against each other. My thumbs make small patterns on her waist pulling and smoothing the fabric against her skin. I hear her breathing speed up and feel the muscles just above her hips tighten. I lean forward and speak very softly into her ear.

"I find everything about you stunning," I tell her before placing a soft kiss on the skin just below her ear. I feel her hands on my shoulders under my jacket.

"How about we hang up your jacket detective?" Her hands slowly push my jacket off my shoulders and I reluctantly let go of her waist and let her slide my jacket down my arms. Even through the fabric of my clothing my body still tingles where her hands touch me. She catches my jacket before it falls to the ground.

"It's fine," I tell her before she can step out of my reach. My jacket is the last thing on my mind right now. "Just toss it where ever." She does and then I feel her hands return to my shoulders. She slides them down in front of me to the collar of my shirt. I feel her slowly pulling my tie out of the knot at my neck until it's completely undone and tossed to the floor. Her fingers slowly begin to undo the button at the hollow of my neck, the backs of her fingers graze my skin as she moves her hands. She moves to the next button on my shirt undoing both my shirt and my sanity at the same time. I bring my hands to her face and pull her in close pressing my lips to hers. She parts her lips to sigh and take the chance to suck her lower lip in between mine. Our lips move in rhythm together leaving the buttons on my shirt temporarily forgotten. My hands are tangled in her hair and she has wrapped her arms around my neck pulling me in as close as possible. I feel her pull back just slightly, far enough to let air pass between us.

"Olivia," she sighs. I can feel her voice in the depths of my soul.

"Alex," I answer back.

Alex pulls away from me and grabs my hand leading me through her apartment into her bedroom. When we step into the room Alex let's go of my hand and walks through the room turning on certain lights which bathe the room with a low glow of light. She pushes a few buttons on a device on her bedside table and soft music fills the room. When she walks back to me she pulls me by the hand again further into the room near the bed. She stands in front of me her eyes looking down. I raise my hand to her chin and lift her face until she's looking at me. I lean in and touch my lips to her forehead then to each of her closed eyes, then the tip of her nose before finally capturing her lips with my own. The kiss is soft and slow.

I feel Alex's hands on my shirt working on the buttons, covering her hands with my own and together we undo the buttons to my shirt. With my shirt unbuttoned and untucked from my pants, Alex moves her hands to the opening of my shirt. Her hands slowly move up the opening on my shirt, hands grazing my skin as she moves. When she grazes her hands over my breasts we both hold our breath. It isn't until she reaches my shoulders that I let out a shaky breath. Mimicking her movements with my jacket, Alex pushes the shirt off my shoulders until it falls down my arms getting caught at my wrists. She takes my left hand in both her hands and very gently undoes the button at my wrist. She takes my other hand and repeats the action. She lets go of my hand and I let my shirt fall to the ground.

I'm standing in front of Alex wearing only my bra from the waist up. She's staring at me, seemingly mesmerized. She reaches out slowly and traces just above the fabric of my bra, gently caressing the tops of my breasts. I don't move; I couldn't if I wanted to. The feeling of Alex's fingertips on my skin is enough to make me moan a soft moan.

"Alex," I whisper. She takes my hands and guide them to her shoulders, weaving them under the thin material at her shoulders. I follow her direction as she guides my hands down her shoulders bringing the material with them. My hands continue down her arms until gravity takes hold of the material and it slides down as much as her breasts will let it. Alex takes a deep breath before letting it out. When she breathes out the dress slides down her chest before settling at her waist. I hold my breath, she is completely breathtaking. I've seen her before but before it was different; it was lust. This time it's love. I reach behind me and undo my bra before taking it off. I stand before her completely naked from the waist up mirroring her current state of undress. Alex reaches out and places her hand over my heart.

"You're beautiful Olivia." I place my hand over hers before leaning and pressing my lips to hers. Her mouth parts and I seek entrance with my tongue. The kiss quickly becomes heated, our tongues pressing against each other, teeth pressing into lips. My hands reach for her waist as I slowly run my hands up her sides. I stop just at her breasts, my thumbs slowly rubbing their undersides.

"Please," she whimpers.

I slide my hands to cover her breasts rubbing my thumbs over her nipples feeling them harden at my touch. She moans into our kiss. I gently roll her nipple and she breaks the kiss letting her head loll back. I take the opportunity to move my lips to her neck lightly sucking at her pulse which is hammering beneath my mouth. Her hands move to my the buckle on my pants and I feel her unbuckling my belt. Her hands slowly undo the button on my pants and she slides the zipper down. When Alex slides her hands into the waistband of my pants and slides them around behind me.

"These have got to go," she husks as she pushes my pants down. I step out of my shoes and out of my pants which are settled in a heap at my feet. I break the kiss to quickly lean down and pull off my socks because socks and underwear are absolutely not sexy. When I raise my head I'm staring directly at Alex's beautifully toned stomach. I can't help myself and I reach out and touch her stomach with my fingertips, tracing the outline of muscles. I continue to caress her skin until my hands find the place where fabric meets skin. Before I can ask permission her hands cover mine and together we push the fabric down letting it fall to the floor. Alex stands in front of me in dark blue lace underwear, her dress pooled at her feet. I slowly drop to my knees and maneuver the dress at her feet so she can step out. My hands go to her ankle and I pull one shoe off her foot before switching to the other foot. When she's barefoot I can't resist dragging my hands up her long lean legs as I slowly stand up. When we are face to face I look into her eyes which are dark and dilated. Her cheeks are tinged pink and she's breathing deep heavy breaths.

I feel Alex step out of my reach and sit down on the edge of her bed before moving back further onto the bed. When she reaches the headboard she leans back and reaches her hand out to me. I climb onto the bed and crawl on my hands and knees towards her, grabbing her hand when I reach her. I bring it to my lips and place featherlight kisses on the back of her hand before turning her hand over and pressing light kisses to the center of her palm.

"Come here Olivia," she tells me. I crawl between her legs and capture her lips with my own. I feel her hands wrap around my back and pull me down on top of her, when our bodies connect we both let out a soft sigh. The only things separating us is the thin material of our underwear but I can still feel the warmth coming from her center. Without thinking I thrust my hips and push myself against her. She lets a long moan out and I repeat the motion pushing myself against her center

"Yes," I hear her moan. She pulls my face down to hers grabs my lower lip between her swiping her tongue across before sliding her tongue into my mouth. Her tongue slides up and down and around my own. She pulls sucks my tongue pulling it into her mouth before releasing it. She pulls my lower lip between her teeth and softly bites down causing me to jerk my hips in response. My hips are pushing in rhythm against her and she's wrapped her long legs around my waist and is meeting each thrust with her own. I raise myself up on my elbow and move my hand to her breast. I grab her right breast and squeeze it and rub my thumb over her nipple. I roll her nipple between my thumb and forefinger in rhythm with my thrusts. She arches her back pushing her breasts up into my hand throwing her head back. I break the kiss and place open mouth kisses along her jawline to her throat. Baring my teeth I lightly scrape them down the length of her throat to her collarbone. I press light kisses to her collarbone before continuing my journey down the front of her chest until I reach her breast. I nuzzle the valley between her breasts and place a kiss over her heart before taking her breast into my mouth. I flick my tongue over her hardened nipple and feel her hips cant in response. I suck as much of her breast into my mouth and she lets out a long low groan. Her hands are on my ass pulling me into her with each thrust.

"Please Olivia," she begs. I know exactly what she wants but I can't give it to her yet, I'm not ready to leave where I am. "Please Olivia, I need more," she whimpers. My left hand releases her breast and travels down her side until it's settled on her waist, my thumb rubbing circles over her hip; teasing her. "Olivia please touch me," she says through a groan. I have no choice but to give in. I slide my hand down between our bodies and rub her through her damp lace underwear. Her body moves in time with my the movement of my hand. I find her clit through the fabric and focus my attention on the swollen bud. I can hear her moans speeding up and her hips move with a jerking motion. I know she's close. I pull my hand away and I hear her groan in frustration.

"I know baby," I whisper. I begin kissing my way down her stomach moving excruciatingly slow. My lips seek to touch every inch of her body. When I reach the top of her underwear I touch my tongue to her skin and slowly drag my tongue up her body through the valley of her breasts to her neck and up to her chin. I quickly capture her lips in a heated kiss before tracing the same line back down her body to her underwear.

"It's time to take these off," I tell her sitting back and grabbing her underwear with my hands and when she lifts her hips I pull it down her long legs and discard it on the floor. I make my way back up her legs taking the time to caress every inch of her with my mouth. I gently push her legs apart and kiss the inside of her thigh before looking up and making eye contact with her. She smiles at me with her thousand watt smile and I lean my head down and lick her wet slit from bottom to top. Her hands fly to my hair putting the slightest amount of pressure making sure to keep me there. I tense my tongue and push on her clit before swirling my tongue around it.

"Fuck, Olivia." I feel her legs tense around my head and I slide my hands over the top of her legs forcing them to stay open. I flick up and down on her clit before changing my motion and swiping back and forth. "Jesus Olivia. Please," she pleads. I know exactly what she wants. I move my mouth back over her opening and tense my tongue and push slightly into her. Her moans are unintelligible. I slide my tongue in and out of her her giving her barely the feeling that I know she wants. "Please, Olivia." Pulling my mouth away I move my mouth back to her clit. I move my hands under my chin and pull them through her wet slit coating them with her juices. My hand is positioned under my chin putting slight pressure on her entrance.

"Are you ready baby?" I ask her.

"Yes, please Olivia, please."

I slowly push two fingers into her and we both moan at the sensation. When I'm fully buried I wait to give her a second to get used to the feeling of my fingers. Once I feel her relax slightly I pull my fingers back out and push them back in. I continue massaging her clit with my tongue as I move my fingers in and out of her.

"Faster, please," she begs.

I speed up my hand and increase the speed of my tongue over her clit. She begins moving her hips with my thrusts. I place my left hand over her pubic bone to try to still her. I push my hand down and settle her hips while curling my fingers inside as I shorten my strokes. I can feel as she tightens her body trying to keep my fingers deep inside her. She's writhing against the sheets constant moans and coming from her lips. "Oh God Olivia, oh god I'm gonna come, fuck, please!" My hand is moving rapidly pushing in and out of her, my tongue trying to keep pace. "Fuck!" Her body tenses as her back arches off the bed and for a moment she's completely frozen except for the contractions I feel squeezing my fingers tight. When I feel the contractions begin to subside I push my tongue down hard on her clit causing her to immediately come again. "FUCK!" She's taken by surprise by the second orgasm and her legs clamp tight against my head. I lift my tongue off her clit and gently caress it milking out every last contraction before she pushes lightly against my head. I lift my head and slowly pull my fingers out of her before carefully licking her clean. Her legs fall to the bed.

"Jesus Olivia," she mutters out.

I crawl back up her body and kiss her deeply.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

She nods.

"Need a second?" I ask.

A/N

Give her a second guys, Olivia's kind of a killer in bed. We would all need a second after that if we were Alex.


	30. Chapter 30

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, sadly. Well Melanie came from my own head as do any Cabots who appear going forward.

Rated: M

Everyone alright? Y'all good? Okay, onward we go. Um, there's still smut so you've been warned. *insert dorky wink here*

Summary: Alex heads out to a bar at the behest of her best friend. Her life will never be the same.

Alex's POV

I remember my first night with Olivia but I don't REMEMBER it. It's more like little snippets of a movie I watched but didn't really pay attention to, so tonight, while expected, was still very much a shock to me. Olivia is very experienced to put it mildly; I'm quite certain I saw stars just now. She's asked me if I need a second and as much as I want to flip her onto her back and do for her what she just did for me, I do actually need a second to catch my breath; to get oxygen, blood and feeling back into my limbs.

Olivia is laying partially on top of me and partially on the bed allowing her hands access to my body as I recover. She is trailing her hand over my stomach watching as her fingers draw random patterns over my skin. My body begins to rapidly recover when her hands stray to the underside of my breast. Placing my right hand on her cheek I urge her face towards mine.

"Come here," I tell her before slowly capturing her lips. The kiss is a slow seduction; a reawakening of my body's needs. I maneuver my body and flip her over so I'm laying on top of her my lips never leaving hers. My right hand finds her waist before slowly running my hand up her side until it reaches the underside of her breast. I hesitate for a moment wanting her permission before continuing. It seems silly to be waiting for permission given what we've just done together but I still wait. It's only a matter of seconds before I feel her hand cover mine and guide my hand to her breast. She squeezes my hand once before releasing it. I take over squeezing and rubbing my thumb over her hardened nipple. She moans into my mouth. I pinch her nipple between my thumb and forefinger and she gasps releasing my mouth and throwing her head back. I move my mouth to her neck and leave open-mouth kisses down the column of her neck. I continue my path down her collarbone until I reach her breast. I place a soft kiss on her hard nipple before swirling my tongue around it. I feel her right hand come to the back on my neck not adding pressure but simply holding me. When I open my mouth and take her full breast into my mouth I hear Olivia moan above me. I suck on her trying to get as much of her into my mouth before slowly releasing her breast gliding my teeth lightly over her skin as I release her.

"Fuck Alex," I hear her groan and I grin. I must be doing something right. I continue to suck and swirl my tongue over her breast before switching breasts and repeating my actions with her left breast. She tangles both her hands into my hair adding the slightest amount of pressure to her my head, pulling me to her chest. When I'm finally satisfied with my exploration of her chest I move to the center of her body and kiss and nip my way down her body. Olivia has got a stunning stomach, it's toned and tanned and soft like velvet. I can't help but want to touch every inch of it and I do. I kiss across her stomach from one side to the other. I kiss up and down her sides nuzzling the underside of her breast when I reach it. I reach my tongue out and drag it along the underside to the other side of her body. I bare my teeth and slightly drag them down her side and I hear her rapid breathing mixed with soft moans that are music to my ears. Where my mouth isn't, my hands are, I can't get enough of her skin. I make my way back to the center of her body and drag my tongue from her navel down to where her underwear meets my tongue. My hands reach to the top of her underwear and I run my fingers between the fabric and her skin. Before I can grab the material and pull it out of the way I hear her speak to me as she gently pulls my head from her skin.

"Alex," she's breathes out. "You don't have to, it's okay I don't need that."

I pull my hands from where they are and use them to crawl my way back up her body, dragging my breasts up her body as I go. I reach her ear and lick the outside shell before pulling he soft lobe into my mouth and biting lightly. When I release her ear I press my lips close and speak.

"Do you think I'm doing that because I feel you NEED it?" I ask her and I slowly move my hand under the fabric covering her. "Do you think I would do anything I didn't want to do?" My hand creeps down until I reach her soft, wet slit. "Fuck, you're so wet for me Olivia," I husk into her ear. She just groans as I pull my fingers through her wetness and slide them over her clit. "Do you really want me to stop?" My fingers press down on her clit and I feel her hips jerk up looking for more pressure. I lift my fingers from her clit. "Do you REALLY want me to stop?" I ask again.

"Fuck! No. Alex please," she begs.

"Please what Olivia," I tease with a confidence I didn't know I would have.

"Please touch me Alex," she answers as she covers her hand over mine over the fabric of her underwear. I pull my hand out of her underwear and hear a frustrated groan.

"No helping Olivia," I husk out. She immediately moves her hand. I flick my tongue over her ear before sliding my way back down to where I was before I was interrupted. When I reach my destination I grab the hem of her underwear and very slowly pull it down her tan legs which I fully intend on worshipping later but now I have one goal in mind so I drop her underwear to the floor and slide my hands back up the inside of her legs before pushing them up for me. I can smell the musky scent of her sex and I see the juices glistening in front of me. A mix of arousal and nervousness comes over me and arousal wins out. I lean in and touch my tongue to her center licking all the way up to her clit. The taste is unlike anything I could ever describe. It's the essence of Olivia and I'm instantly obsessed with it. I swirl my tongue at her opening collecting more of her juices causing her to moan. I bring my tongue back to her clit and without knowing exactly what to do I let instinct take over. I try to mimic what feels good when I'm touching myself. I lightly flick my tongue up and down over the sensitive spot when I hear her moans I know I must being doing something right. I push down harder with my tongue and feel her hips start to move in time with my movements. Working on instinct I settle between her legs and bring my hand below my chin to her opening. I slide my fingers through her juices just like she did with me and like I've done to myself so many times before. I position my middle finger at her opening and wait.

"Please Alex," she whimpers out as she lifts her hips trying to get what she wants. I slowly slide my finger into her and she lets out low groan out. I'm fully buried in her and she so soft and so warm and so wet let out a groan of my own. "Please Alex," she repeats and I understand exactly what she wants as I grant her request and pull my finger nearly out of her before pushing it back into her. "Alex, I need more please."

When I pull back I slide a second finger back into her and she moans long and deep. "Fuck Alex." I speed up my movements with my hand and push and pull my fingers in and out of her as I continue working on her clit. "Fuck, yes, Alex! Just like that, please!" I'm loosing control of her hips and I abandon her clit and pull back as I watch my fingers disappear and reappear from her center. I speed up my movement before taking my other hand and rubbing over her clit with my thumb. "'Fuck Alex! Look at me baby, fuck, I'm gonna come, please." I look up and make eye contact with her and she smiles before throwing her head back and letting out a long moan, her body contracting against my hand. I push my fingers in and out of her a few more times before I pull them out all the way and replace them with my mouth. I lick up as much of her as I can as I feel her contractions slow down until they stop entirely. I place one more open-mouth kiss on her slit before I crawl back up to her and look in to her eyes.

"Hi," I say before placing a soft kiss on her mouth.

It was meant to be soft but she grabs my head between her hands and deepens the kiss immediately. She rolls me over and flips me onto my back sliding her leg between mine and making contact with my center with her leg. I can feel her moisture on my leg and I raise it up to give her something to push against. Her tongue is sweeping through my mouth as she pushes herself on my leg. With each push she's pushing her leg into my center. Her lips release mine as she presses her forehead to my neck and rides my leg. My arousal never having been fully sated comes back immediately and we ride each other's bodies before I hear Olivia.

"Fuck, Alex, I'm going to come again. Come with me Alex," she says before she slides her hand between our bodies and presses her fingers against my clit. The pressure of her leg and her fingers take me to the edge instantly.

"Olivia, I'm gonna come." She slides my clit between her fingers and pushes into me and she's groans into my neck coming on my leg. The sensations of her coming push me over the edge and I fall right behind her with her name coming from my mouth. She falls on me and before I can even get used to her full weight on me she slides herself mostly off me leaving our legs tangled together.

"Jesus Alex," she mumbles against my skin.

"Need a second?" I ask her repeating her words to me from earlier; a light teasing tone in my voice. She doesn't answer, instead she kisses the skin against her mouth.

"I'll take that as a yes?" She answers with a light bite to my skin. As much as I want to repeat what we just did, I stifle a yawn.

"Did I wear you out?" Her tone is teasing even as she begins to yawn herself.

"I think we wore each other out," I say smiling before kissing the top of her head. "Close your eyes Olivia, let me fall asleep with you in my arms."

"Mmmm," is the only answer I get before another soft kiss against my skin. When I look down to her I see a smile grace her face before she closes her eyes. It's not long before her breathing slows and becomes steady and I'm sure she's asleep.

"I love you Olivia Benson," I whisper to the quiet room before closing my eyes and falling asleep behind her.

Olivia's POV

When I wake up I'm surrounded by everything Alex. I'm pressed up against her back holding her tight around the waist pulling her close to me. My face is pressed into the back of her neck and when I breath in all I smell is Alex. It's the most glorious way to wake up ever I imagine. I nuzzle the back of her neck, not wanting to wake her but also unable to control the urge or press soft kisses to the base of her neck. I feel her slowly stir but only for a second when her hand comes to rest on my own wrapped around her waist.

"Mmmmm," she lets out a contented sigh. "Morning Olivia," she whispers out, her voice heavy with sleep.

"Good morning beautiful," I respond before pulling her impossibly closer into my body. She wiggles herself into me trying to get as close as possible to me. "Um, Alex, stop wiggling." Her movements and the proximity of her to me is rapidly waking me up.

"Why?" She asks, her voice laden with feigned innocence.

"You know exactly why," I answer my voice huskier than I expected it to be.

"Maybe I'm trying to send you subtle hints," she says as she pushes her butt into me still wiggling.

"What kind of hints could you possibly be trying to send me?" I say trying to sound innocent.

"Oh I don't know," she answers as she pulls my hand up to her breast before leaving it there. She raises her hand over her head and to the back of my head pulling my face to the side of her neck which she is putting on display for me. I couldn't hold out for any longer if my life depended on it. I squeeze her breast tight before pinching her nipple as my mouth descends on to her neck lightly biting and sucking on her neck. I lift my mouth to her ear and husk deeply into her ear.

"Is this what you wanted?" I twist her nipple causing her to gasp. I release her nipple and trail my hand down her front between her legs and cup her. She's already soaking wet. "You're already wet for me baby. Did you dream about me? About having my hands on you? Did you wake up wet for me? Or do I make you this wet this fast?" I start pressing my fingers over her clit. I run two fingers on either side of it applying pressure as I move up and down her clit. "Do you want more Alex?" I rasp into her ear. She's breathing heavily and pulling at the back of my head. Her left hand is on her own breast pulling and squeezing her breast.

"Fuck, Olivia yes, please."

"Please what Alex?" I abandon her clit and press my fingers to her opening.

"Fuck me Olivia, please fuck me."

I slide my fingers in to her quickly and firmly giving her a moment to adjust before I slide them out of her completely.

"FUCK. Olivia." Her voice comes out as a groan. I take her left leg and lift it up sliding it over the back of mine opening her up to me before sliding my fingers back into her. "Fuck," I hear her groan out. She buries her face in the pillow as I slide in and out of her with a measured force. "Fuck I need more," she moans out. I pull out completely and tell her to flip onto her stomach. She does and once she's laying on her stomach I kneel behind her and pull her to her knees. Her ass in is in the air on display for me as she leans on her elbows her face turned on her pillow so I can see half of her face. I position myself behind her and place my fingers at her entrance.

"Yes, Olivia, fuck me."

I slide my fingers into her and use my hips as leverage to push as deep into her as I can. She groans a long groan. I wait for her to readjust to this position. I feel her trying to move to get the friction she wants deep inside her. I place my left hand on her hip and pull myself nearly out of her and push back in with a long stroke.

"Faster please," she begs and I speed up my movements, pulling out and pushing back in with my hips. "More," she moans and I slide a third finger into her. She uses the leverage she has and meets my thrusts. I speed up pushing into her with more force than before. She's meeting each thrust with equal force riding me as I ride her movements. I watch as she reaches her hand down and disappears underneath her and I know she's touching herself.

"Fuck," I groan out at the thought of her touching herself. My hips speed up of their accord and she speeds up her thrusts against me. My clit begging for attention and when I push into her again I change the angle and push my clit on to the back of my hand. With each thrust my clit pushes on my hand and I can feel myself about to come.

"Alex baby, I'm so close," I warn her.

"Fuck Olivia, come for me. Come with me," she moans. And I do, all she had to do was ask me to and I do. I thrust my hips hard into her and come as she pushes her hips back into me and her back arches, her hand has abandoned it's mission and is now reaching back to my hip and pulling me into her.

"Fuuuuuck!" I hear as her insides clamp down around my fingers. I ride out my orgasm as I feel her ride out hers on my fingers. When I feel her body stop contracting I slowly pull my fingers out and collapse on the bed on my side before pulling off her knees onto her side and into me. We lay like that for a few moments before she turns over and faces me in my arms.

"Wow," she says. "I think I like waking up that way."

"I KNOW I like waking up that way," I answer back. "You're pretty amazing Alexandra Cabot."

"You're rather amazing yourself Olivia Benson," she says with a smile on her face.

"I'm a lucky woman," I continue. "To have your attention when you could have anyone you wanted, you're with me."

"Hmm, sex makes you a little sappy," she teases.  
"YOU make me sappy," I tell her before kissing her on the nose. "I love you Alex." Shit. I didn't mean to say that. I look away from her face, over her shoulder, anywhere but at her. I feel her hand snake between us and up to my chin. She turns my face to look at her before looking me in the eyes.

"I want to be very clear when I say this to you, and I need you looking at me when I say this to you," she says. She presses a soft kiss on my mouth. "I love you with all my heart Olivia Benson. Thank you for loving me."

A/N

Stick around for the epilogue, it's gonna be gross and sappy. LOL I hope you all enjoyed the ending, I'm sorry I made you wait for so long but I hope it was somewhat worth it. Stick around for the epilogue, see what happens with these two fools in love.


	31. Epilogue

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, sadly. Well Melanie came from my own head...

Rated: M

Well guys, this is it. We have reached the end. For those of you who are still here and who have stuck with me thank you. Thank you for your reviews, your support, your kindness and your patience. You are all amazing! I hope this lived up to everything you hoped it would.

Summary: Alex heads out to a bar at the behest of her best friend. Her life will never be the same.

Alex's POV

"Shit Alex! Get this adorable monster spawn to stand still! It's like trying to put a bow tie on a slithering eel!" Melanie is currently wrestling with a very determined 3 year old. He wants nothing to do with his current situation and would rather be running around with his sister.

"Well stop trying to put the bow tie on him! And watch your language!" I yell back from the other side of the room.

"Oh no! I'm not doing THAT again! When I gave up last time he yelled at me and I don't even know what he said, he doesn't make sentences Al!"

"He's three, what do you expect? Dissertations?" I yell back before sighing. It's never easy is it?

Having Melanie help out is like having an extra toddler only this one is tall, makes full sentences, swears like a sailor and gets into the liquor cabinet consistently. Why I made her the godmother is beyond me, I probably would have been better off making my children her godmother. I once came home to her sitting in the bathtub with all her clothes on in an attempt to show the kids there were no monsters in the bathtub. Every time there's a bath time they try to use that excuse and why she was in every article of clothing was beyond me. She did look rather hilarious covered in bubbles.

"Damnit Xander, how am I supposed to put the tie on if you won't let me PUT THE TIE ON?!"

"Ammit!" Great, now he's copying her, which he usually does but today is not the day for him to copy her swearing.

"Melanie! Language!"

"Al I can't help it! He won't let me put this stupid tie on but he won't go without one!"

"That's YOUR fault and stop calling him Xander." I answer back.

"It was only a joke, I thought Lauren would look cute in a bow tie so I just wanted to try it on her."

"Yes and she did look cute and SHE thought she looked cute and so now here we are. Hence: Your fault."

"Heeeelllpppp meeeeeeeeee!"

I smooth my dress down and finish clipping my earring in before taking one last look in the mirror. Satisfied, I sigh and walk over to Melanie and Thomas. I fix Thomas with a stare.

"Thomas Alexander, if you want to wear a bow tie like your big sister you have to sit still and let Aunt Melanie put it on otherwise you can't wear a bow tie. Do you want to wear one?"

"Yes mama." He stares up at me with his deep blue eyes.

"What do you have to do then?" I ask waiting for him to sit down.

""It down," he says as he plops his tiny body down on the floor in front of Melanie. He stares hard at her before lifting his chin.

"Why are you staring at me munchkin? You're the one who wants the bow tie," she says with exasperation in her voice.

"Melanie, please don't argue with my 3 year old, you'll never win," I tell her as I roll my eyes at her.

"Alright Xander, you're done buddy!" She lifts him up so he's standing up, his head coming to nearly the same height as her as she kneels in front of him. He falls into her arms and wraps his little arms around her neck hugging her tight.

"Thank you Auntie Mellie!"

"Any time pal!" And just like that, whatever war they were in is resolved as Thomas runs off to show his new bow tie off to his big sister. We watch as the two children show off their outfits to each other.

"I still can't believe you're letting her wear a tiny tux," Melanie says to me.

"Well we all tried to convince her to wear a dress. I can't be certain but I think my mother might have offered her a pony even though she says she 'did no such thing'. In the end we all decided to let her wear the tux, she does look really adorable in it. Plus she's got her grandfather wrapped around her little pinky, all she had to do was look at him and stick her tiny lip out at him and he was done. He didn't even have a chance."

"Yeah, I know the feeling, she's a charmer for sure."

As if on cue my little charmer comes running into the room with her younger brother following behind. I catch her in my arms and hoist her unto my hip. She's only a year older than Thomas but to him, she's the sun and moon. It's rare that she doesn't have her little shadow following her around so when he comes running up behind her Melanie grabs him before he runs smack into my legs and lifts him to her hip.

"Mama," Lauren begins, "Gandpa says it's time to goooooooo."

"Okay baby," I tell her before kissing her cheek. "I think we're forgetting someone though," I tell her. She begins to wiggle trying to get down. When I set her down she takes off like a bolt of lightning. Thomas is trying very unsuccessfully to get out of Melanie's grasp so he can follow his sister.

"No way mister, you're stuck with me!" She leans into his face and blows raspberries on his cheek to distract him from his sister's mission. He giggles and tries to blow raspberries on Melanie's cheek though he mostly ends up licking her cheek.

"Ugh, gross dude!" Melanie sets him down on the floor and he sprints out the door after his sister.

"He still hasn't figured out the raspberry Melanie," Olivia says as she walks in carrying Thomas and holding Lauren's hand. She looks stunning. She's wearing a deep slate cocktail dress that falls just below her knees. The neckline plunges just enough to show off but no so much that it's indecent. The dress hugs every curve and I immediately wish we didn't have a house full of people and an event to go to.

"What do you think Alex?" Olivia spins and gives me a full 360 view of her dress.

"I think we should blow this shindig off and stay here and make Melanie babysit," I tell her as I saunter up to her and capture her lips in a searing kiss.

"Keep it in your skirt Al," I hear as my little brother walks into the room and grabs Thomas out of Olivia's arms. "Jesus it's a good thing you two can't accidentally get pregnant. Come on Tom, Grandpa's in the car waiting for everyone and he isn't thrilled he's waiting," my brother hints.

"Send in Lauren first," I hear Melanie say. "She'll appease him."

"Good call," he replies and holds his hand out for Lauren. "Ready to save us all from your grandfather's wrath?" She happily grabs his hand and lets my brother lead her out the door.

"Wait for me," Melanie says as she jogs after the group. "These two are gonna make out again!"

Olivia and I laugh as Melanie makes a face before disappearing from the room and heads to the door behind my brother and the kids.

"She's right you know," I say to Olivia as I wrap my arms around her neck. "We are definitely going to make out again." I lean forward and capture her lips.

"You're father is going to kill us," she mumbles against my mouth.

"It'll be worth it," I answer before pulling her lower lip between my teeth and biting down on the soft flesh. We get lost in each other's mouths and before we know it my clutch which is lying on the bed begins to ring.

"Busted," says Olivia as she grabs my bag and pulls me out of the house to the car where my father is waiting at an open door.

"Really Alexandra? You're going to make us late to our own event because you can't stop making out with your wife? I expect this from her but Olivia, you're supposed to be responsible." He pins her with the Cabot stare and she just blushes.

"Olivia is responsible dad but when Alex has her tongue…"

"Okay! We're here and ready to go and if you finish that sentence Theo I will punch you in the nose!" I threaten my brother before practically leaping into the car. Olivia follows me and my father piles in last. We all settle into our seats and buckle in before indicating to the driver that it's safe for us to leave.

"I still don't see why we need to have this stupid event," I say, pouting just a little.

"It's not every day you get elected District Attorney Alexandra," my mother answers. I resist the urge to roll my eyes.

"I don't need a party mother," I remind her having told her this many times over the last few weeks.  
"Well maybe your father and I want to celebrate our daughter and her amazing accomplishments and her very beautiful family."

"Low blow Mom," says my brother. "You know she'll never complain about it if you bring Olivia and the kids into it."

"I may not be an attorney but I'm no dummy," my mother states before winking at me. I know I've lost, plus the kids will love it. And I love when my parents present Olivia and I as a family, it shows how much they've learned to grow and love Olivia just as much as they might love anyone who I would have brought home, if anything they love her more because of who she is and what kind of partner she's been to me through the years.

We pull up to the country club and begin to stream out of the car a like a well dressed group of clowns piling out of our fancy clown limo. My father steps out first as Olivia and I unbuckle the kids letting them out next. They begin to make a beeline up the stairs to the building until my father calls them back. Lauren reaches her grandfather first and grabs his hand smiling up at him innocently. Not to be outdone Thomas grabs his other hand and grins at him before they both tug his arms and he leans down and is nearly dragged up the stairs by two children who barely come up past his knees. My brother steps out next and reaches an arm out to help my mother out of the car. My brother waits to help Melanie out of the car which she lets him do but as soon as she's standing she swats his hands away telling him she doesn't want any ladies to get the wrong idea. My brother shrugs and leads my mother elegantly up the stairs. Olivia steps out the car next and mimicking my brother's actions she reaches out and holds her hand out for me to grab it. I reach out and grab her hand and step out of the car. She pulls me into her arms and placing a light kiss on my lips.

"Have I told you that you're absolutely stunning Alex?"

"Not in the last hour," I tease.

"Well you are, simply stunning."

"I'm just trying to keep up with my gorgeous wife," I tell her before kissing her one more time. I step out of her arms and reach for her hand. "Are you ready for another over-the-top Catherine Cabot event?"

"As long as I have you beside me, I'm ready to take on anything. I love you Alexandra Jacqueline Benson-Cabot, thank you for giving me our world."

A/N And that's my story of how these two fell in love! Thank you all for reading it, I truly hope you enjoyed it. Sidenote: I'm considering writing some one-shots within this world I've created. Maybe stories of how they moved in with each other, got engaged, how Lauren and Thomas came to be, etc. Would you all read them if I wrote them? I just love them and this story the have. I wanted this to be longer because I love the kids with Alex and Liv and family but I didn't want it forced or too long for no reason. That's all! You guys are amazing! Thanks again for sticking around!


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